Blind sided..

I know i've said before that music makes everything make sense.. that i literally have a soundtrack to my life playing in my head ALL the time.. At happy times.. a great upbeat 'You make my dreams come true' by Hall and Oats is rockin in my noggin.. When i'm sad.. Celine ballads usually do the trick..

The soundtrack to our lives DEFINITELY doesn't yield to love lives.. in fact.. sometimes these tracks screw us over by enhancing the feelings that we're feeling already!
Music can make you fall in love.. it can make you sadder than you really are.. it does CRAZY THINGS!
Now.. i know that we're in the 'ipod' days.. but the soundtrack of love is DEFINITELY on a cd.. a scratched.. stomped on.. whacked out.. cd!
We wrestle both sad and happy emotions at the same time.. making the music CRACKED OUT!
This soundtrack is called 'Fearful'

I literally drive around in my car.. not knowing whether to listen to sad music or happy music..
I don't know if i'm supposed to let myself be happy where i'm at... or prepare myself for things that could be coming emotionally..

Fear immobilizes us. Fear makes us do things illogical and scary!! Fear makes us run away from things.. to things.. into things.. around things.. its horrible!!!!
The absence of confidence is fear.
Fear is insecurity...
The absence of security..
Fear is lost hope..
We fear things we can't control.. and we fear things we don't know..
We are afraid to be left alone.. in the dark.. and be completely taken by surprise..

i am deathly afraid of the dark. i always have been.
In high school.. when all my friends' parents would go out of town they'd be stolked!! They got the house to themselves to do what they pleased.. they didn't have to answer to anyone...
I.. however.. couldn't spend ONE NIGHT alone in my dark scary house! Every creek.. every rumble.. every tree against my window.. was a crazy ax murderer rapist coming to slaughter me in my sleep!
My basement was a camp ground for monsters.. my closet a rest stop for ghosts..
Angry men.. psychotic dudes with arm hair fetishes that would force me to shave my legs or something crazy.. i couldn't handle it...
i would call my aunt and sleep at her house!
The dark is the epitomy of the unknown! Things linger in the dark.. it blinds us.. literally! Anything could be happening around us.. and if it's dark.. we wouldn't know!!! AHH!! now YOU'RE afraid of the dark too huh! ...TOLD YOU!!!!

But fear is scary! It keeps us from doing things we should.. or would've otherwise..

One of my best friends Emily had her heart raked through the coals this week...
Her and her boyfriend Max had the most stable.. incredible.. secure.. relationship i've ever seen. They were in each other's lives to make each other happy! They didn't HAVE to be together every single second to know of their love for each other.. but they couldn't stay AWAY from each other..
They were a part of each other's families.. they WERE each other's family! No problem was left unsolved.. no issue left untalked about... They were lovers.. friends.. enemies... whatever they needed each other to be at the moment. They were each other's everything.
They had been dating.. coming up on 2 years this month..
One day Max started acting weird while Emily was on his computer.. she couldn't figure out where the sketchiness was coming from.. they had always gotten on each other's computers..? Em let it eat at her while he monitored her every move... she got the impression he was trying to hide something.. that Max had been lying about something.. but she couldn't put her finger on it so she decided not to say anything.. She told herself that she was just being dumb and that saying something would cause more harm than good at this point... so she kept quiet.

A few days later insecurity started coming out.. Emily casually asked Max who he was texting.. with a quick 'nobody'.. change the subject.. and put his phone down... Emily KNEW something was up.
A couple months earlier Max had been texting a girl named Kim he went to high school with that now lived out of state.. Emily knew that this girl had always had a 'thing' for Max.. and when she found out they were texting she was pretty bugged about it. She rightfully asked him to stop texting this chick cuz - not that she didn't trust him... but Kim was a sketchy pants.. and it made her feel uncomfortable knowing that his subconscious was getting more than it's fill of anti-emily thoughts from Kim.
Max had appoligized and said that he would never do anything to make Em feel uncomfortable....
crock. of. crap.
As soon as the new sketchy situation was brought up... Emily's thoughts went straight to Kim..
She asked him if he'd been texting Kim.. and if thats why he had been so sketchy...

Within hours of this conversation.. Emily and Max broke up..
Max ended up being someone that Em had never expected..
He had been lying about talking to Kim.. Texting her inappropriately behind Emily's back.. and not respecting the 2 FREAKING YEAR relationship he had with Emily at ALL!
He completely undermined it.. denying their closeness to Kim and talking crap about HIS GIRLFRIEND to some sketchy skank ho that would do whatever he wanted..

Emily was completely blind sided!! ALL of our friends were! Her sense of security has completely been rocked. The thoughts that fill her mind are that she should've seen it coming.. that she wasn't good enough or that if she had only said something more a couple months ago.. that it never would've ended this way..

The rock in her life crumbled.. and the angels of heartbreak cried more for her this week than anyone..

Emily.. this was completely out of your control.. there's absolutely nothing you could've done to prevent it.. and no way you could've known that this was coming..
Max was a huge stepping stone for you.. you learned things from him you never would've otherwise..
He taught you how to love.. how to feel.. how to question.. how to get what you want.. and how to rise above situations.. how to be the bigger person.. and find strength in yourself when you thought you had none.
You will recover.. you will heal.. and you will be a much better person because of this heartache.
You're going to find the things you loved in Max in someone else.. someone better for you.. and better for your life.
One day you WILL be able to look back at this and see why it was supposed to happen...
hang in there.

This fear is of something we can't control.
Love is scary.. because as much as you THINK you can control your OWN emotions.. you absolutely can NOT control the emotions and actions of others..
You leap.. you fall.. you hope and pray someone else is doing the same..

Another friend of mine named Karen is running around her love-house.. turning on all the lights.. determined to never be surprised.
Karen looks at Emily's situation and is scared for her life! Her fear of the dark is rising and rising.. hopefully soon to hit a peak where the fear can subside again..

Karen hasn't been in a relationship for a couple years.. The last boyfriend she had..tom.. had completely blind sided her as well.. just in a different way..
She thought everything was amazing and only getting better.. they loved each other.. and they had promised each other that they always would...
One day.. completely out of the blue.. Tom broke her heart.
He told her that all their talk of 'forever' had been a joke to him... that he was 'just kidding'.. and she would have to understand that.

Since this experience.. Karen has been anti-boy.. anti-relationship.. and anti-feelings..
She recently met an AMAZING guy named John..
John is good to her... he's everything she would want in a boyfriend.. if she hadn't sworn off having boyfriends..
She's happy with John... but... like me.. she doesn't know whether to rock out to 'I think i'm in Love' by Jessica Simpson.. or memorize the words to 'Last Kiss' by T-swift JUST in case...
Her own happiness is terrifying her.. and the closer they get.. the more scared she becomes.
She assumes that all men are like Tom.. that everything he tells her.. he will someday take back.. that every promise.. every compliment.. will soon have to be paid for in tears..

Karen.. you have to let yourself love again.
Love is scary.. like i said... but it should NEVER keep you from feeling!
NOBODY is happy alone... and you are bringing your situation upon yourself..
you have to be OPEN to the idea of being hurt again so that you can let yourself GO! Have faith that if it's supposed to happen with John.. that it will!! and if he breaks your heart.. you will have refined yourself in another.. preparing your heart for the joy that is in store..

It's ok to be hurt... It shows us we're human!
But we have to learn that with hurt... we shouldn't build walls..
Just because we get broken down.. doesn't mean we should gear up for war!
Our broken moments are beautiful after they pass.. they show us who we are.. they show us that we're capable of loving someone outside of ourselves so much that it hurts us to lose them..
and these moments really do prepare us to embrace a world full of happiness when our prince charming comes along!
Right now.. it's hard to imagine your life certain ways.. open your mind.. open your heart.. open your feelings.. and take off our masks.

Karen.. stop trying to put a band-aid over unbroken skin...


Grab ben.. grab jerry.. grab a chick flick and some fuzzy socks... and wait it out.
You're going to be fine... both of you. I promise.


xox
-McConfider