I learned at a very young age that the phrase, "It doesn't matter if you win or lose... it's how you play the game".. was obviously a phrase for losers.
A younger me stood on a painted line in over-grown grass. New tennis shoes on, hair slicked back.. i meant business. To my right was the boy i had beat a thousand times in the races on the playground.. to my left were the older.. faster 4th grade boy and girl.. not even registering the sassy little blonde girl determined to kick.their.BUTTS. in the next 2 minutes.
The 50 yard dash was a field day favorite.. a favorite that i had been training for since i was like..BORN. The first 2 races that day.. i had smoked. the other girls in the 3rd grade weren't all that fast.. and the boys.. well.. they were now trying to recruit me to their little league football teams. I thought i was pretty hot stuff... but i had to stay focused. I still had the 3rd grade/ 4th grade champion race to go.. the euphoria was stirring in my blood.. i was already on the 'winners high'.. i needed this.
The whistle blew and off we flew.. sprinting as fast as our little legs would take us. Half way there.. i almost fell behind.. but i dug and DUG my shoes into that grass pushing farther.. FASTER.. i could not.. WOULD NOT.. let that 4th grade sissy take my blue plastic ribbon with the gold star on it. The streamer indicated finish line.. held on both ends by teachers i never liked but always sucked up to.. never left my sight. I burned holes in it with my mind.. inching towards it.. giving the race of my life one last push..
The winner's high was going nowhere fast. My new tennis shoes proved their worth.. and my slicked back hair served it's aerodynamic purpose. I won!!
I knew from there on out that.. if you're not first.. you're last. This was a feeling i liked, and was determined to never let go of.
When i got to 9th grade, a new race started... His name was Ryan.
Ryan was one of those boys that had just had the best summer of his life.. he had gained 20 pounds.. grown 3 inches.. and switched schools from the rival middle school down the street. He was hot (well sort of) he was mysterious (well.. not really).. but more importantly.. he was wanted. yaaaaa to be completely honest.. i didn't think he was that great.. until that one thing was made very clear... that every girl in the 9th grade wanted him to be their boyfriend.
so.. the 9th grade version of me stood on a painted line in a crowded hallway. He was the blue ribbon.. so. naturally.. i had to have him. i put a new kind of battle shoe on.. again, strategically placing my hair so it would most benefit me in my quest.. obviously in the closest resemblance to Blake Lively that i could come up with..slapped some juicy-tube lip gloss on.. and made good use of the swing in my backyard.
I was gonna do everything necessary.. i was prepared to train hard. I sat with him at lunch.. i flirted with him in Math.. I sank my claws into him.. and he followed pursuit.
Within 2 weeks we had kissed.. and at the 3 week mark he asked me to ... drum roll please... be his girlfriend. After 4 days of being his girlfriend.. the ecstasy of winning wore off.. i got tired of him.. and moved on. The race was won.. the ribbon was duly noted.. i could now get on with my life.. and go searching for a new challenge.
Obviously it matters if you win or lose.. or nobody would keep score!
Can you imagine watching a game.. with one of these losing mentality individuals.. cough.. losers..cough --- woah sorry i have a cold.
"whose winning?"
"i have no idea! but look at the athleticism! they're all just trying so hard.."
"what's the score?"
"what's keeping score?? i just like guys in tight pants hitting each other!"
Good. Better. Best.. Even in individual sports progress is tracked.. and limits are challenged.
You set a point and set out to accomplish something further than that bar set for that feeling of crossing the finish line.. for that euphoric high that you get from scoring and proving the greatness you have worked hard for..
Winning is an EMOTION.
Or rather.. something that brings forth great emotion and/or has a great effect on our emotional state.
LOSING does the same thing.
Have you ever seen a guy after he loses a big game? it's like watching chicks watch A Walk To Remember..
Sadness.. rage.. depression.. every dark emotion that the Hulk side of them inhibits comes out.
When it comes to Love.. the same emotions are brought out.. the utmost joy and the darkest pain.. and seeing how you're dealing with the same set of emotions (your own).. it would be only natural to confuse different things.. when they cause the same result.
We play games in love.. because we like to keep score..
If someone is running from us.. we chase them.
If someone is running after us.. we keep the home court advantage.. and use the upper hand to rack up our points in the love game.
If we're with someone.. or suuuuper causally dating someone.. that we're not even really into.. and we walk away from them.. its whatever. 'another one bites the dust'.. and we move on.
but if they walk away from us...? even if we were PLANNING on breaking up with them the next day...all the sudden we liked them A WHOLE LOT more than we reaallly did. and we rack our brains with thoughts of 'why wasn't i good enough'.. 'why didn't he love me?!' and our 'i have to win' sense kicks in.
all the sudden this person is running away from you.. so naturally you're gonna run after them.
So if winning and falling in love can be so easily confused.. or even thought of as the same thing.. losing and losing someone you love or care about.. or what we describe as true heartbreak could be just as easily confused.
There's obviously 2 sides to this.. so lets address the first:
Winning at a losing game -
This emotional need and intensified state that winning gives each of us is the very fuel to the fire of the games we feel we need to play in love.. or what we like to pretend is love.
Playing games and keeping score of who has the upper hand.. who calls who first.. purposely provoked jealousy.. all dumb tactics proven successful by venting girls and willing to divulge guy friends.. are all examples of people playing with people's general need to 'win'.
My friend Nikki dated this boy Justin for a few months at a time.. over.. and over.. and over.. every time ending in her quickly fading out.. failing to return phone calls.. and popping back out on the scene with a new boyfriend.
They would never get serious enough for him to feel like he had real ground to hate her.. and it kept their relationship at almost a 'friend-zone' level.. a friend-zone that would cross into the 'old-married-couple' state every time they were with each other.
Don't get me wrong.. she liked Justin. She wasn't purposely stringing him along.. or trying to hurt him.. she just had other boys higher on her priority list that she "needed to date".. and when she wasn't dating them.. Justin always would pop back up!
She loved him as a person.. they always had fun together.. and he seemed to be dating other people in their off time too.. so no harm done right..?
She would date some douche bag.. find herself heartbroken.. and Justin would wander back.. her knight in shining armor keeping her from the dreaded loneliness she feared.
When Nikki got in.. what she thought was the relationship of her life.. wedding bells.. cake testing.. and an eccentric wedding board on pinterest.. she thought she had shut Justin out for good.. only to find.. a couple months down the road.. more heart broken than ever.
While she waited for the phone call she always got... she found out that Justin had also moved on.. but this time.. He wasn't coming back to be her shoulder to cry on..
She strategically showed up every place he was.. determined to get the dirt on whatever he was up to.
Seeing Justin with someone else triggered her competitive drive.. and she was determined to have him back at her feet.
Nikki... before you do anything stupid.. STOP. and listen. and think.
Justin is finally happy.. breaking up what he has JUST so that you can win because someone you so easily walked away from.. is now walking away from you.. will only prove to be destructive.
Yes.. stories like this do sometimes have happy endings of you finally realizing what you had and blah blah blah.. but that's the exception. You will most likely get him back to only realize that you knew what you were doing when you weren’t hanging on to him for dear life before.. You had your chance several times.. Let him be happy.
Don't let the joy you see in his eyes spark some jealous fire that only winning with truly extinguish. Let's take the mature.. high road here sis..
Let him go. If it's supposed to happen it will..
Evaluate your emotions.
When it comes to a relationship.. you need to at least date long enough to the point where you're no longer in the 'game' stage.. because until then.. you're just glad that you finally WON. and this feeling of WINNING is different than loving someone.
Yes.. bask in your victory of finally landing the girl that ran from you for a couple months or weeks or all through high school or whatever.
But before you make long term decisions.. let the winning wear off. and let the love and getting to know the prize you've won kick in.
Now the dark side of the 2 faced coin...
losing.
Ever think that losing is the real emotion you're feeling? not true heartache? This could be a great wake up call for some of you convincing yourselves that you're depressed over a relationship that ended a different way than you planned..
My friend Samantha dated this boy Neal all through high school. He was her first love.. and her first heartbreak.
As many of the cases of young love do.. Sam and Neal ended by him all of the sudden deciding that they were done.. or at least for now. After dating 2 years he, without warning, called her on the phone one night and shattered her heart.. claiming that he needed to be single right now.. but he knew they would be together again someday. Sam was heartbroken.. and completely shocked.. along with ashamed.. embarrassed.. and uh duh... she lost.
She was blindsided. She had offered no protection for her now shattered heart that laid on her floor. She never saw it coming.. and now.. she was determined to never let it happen again.
You can fill the middle of the story with your own imagined thoughts of a girl getting all tough and mighty slaying the heartbreakers everywhere..
But now we come to the 'someday' that Neal promised.
Neal came back years later in full force.. determined to claim his prize that he worked so hard for back in the day..
They tried it out for a while.. only to end with them walking away from each other.. They found out that together.. they weren't all that great after all.. and Sam saw that she really didn't want to be with Neal anyway.
A year after they broke up.. Neal started dating a girl they went to high school with.. Charlotte. and the happiness was something everyone could see...
Sam was crushed. Her thoughts completely turned to the losing mentality of 'why wasn't i enough..' and 'what does she have that i don't!?!?'.
She hadn't cared until someone else was in the picture... He was now walking away from her again.. in the fact that he had moved on.
She wanted to WIN DANG IT! She wanted to be the one crushing him.. or the one that ended up with him... the EXACT reason for her reinstated interest she was unsure.. but all she knew is.. he wasn't supposed to be with CHARLOTTE.. he was supposed to be with HER! He was supposed to want HER!! She was supposed to be the one happy here!
All the heartbroken feelings from high school returned.
Until she realized..
It wasn't losing NEAL and the heartbreak that she thought came along with that that drove her into her own imagined depression.. it was losing.
It wasn't love that kept her by her phone waiting for him to call... it was that she wanted to be right... she wanted to have the upper hand of happiness again.
She wanted to be wanted.. so that she could be the one not wanting him back.
In love.. you win some you lose some.. and round and round it goes..
But don't let your love of winning.. or anguish from losing.. keep you from or confused about your real emotional connections with people.
Don't play for wins or play for losing.. play for keeps.. and you'll never care to lose something or someone that was never intended to be yours.. and you'll win the only game and prize that ever truly mattered.. True love and happiness.
Until Later
xoxo
-Callymon
