October 18, 2013

How to know if you're dating a loser...

There are 2 types of people in this world: winners and losers.
Sure, some winners lose occasionally - some losers get lucky and win a few. But in the end, the winner's losses are for their benefit - the loser's wins to their demise. 

Winners surround themselves with people that are better than them. It could be that they know more about ONE thing, or that they're more skilled in ONE tiny area - if they're better than the winner, the winner wins by being around them. The tricky thing about being a true winner, is that winners often times feel like losers, and they're ok with it! They feel inferior, realize that they are the weak link in one aspect of a relationship or another, and they accept this fact - because a winner's inferiority wont last long. A winner that feels like a loser is simply a racehorse before they open the gates. They are constantly being lifted up by the winners around them in areas that they would otherwise fall short, being pushed towards finish lines they had no intention of crossing, improving their quality of character and becoming well rounded winners. 

Losers on the other hand surround themselves with people that make them feel like winners. They are constantly the one lifting others up so that they can maintain a feeling of being above them in one aspect or another. They have the upper-hand in most of their relationships and they like it that way. Losers HATE feeling like losers so they rarely associate with true winners - they simply broaden their circle with more losers. A loser that feels like a winner is an idiot.. and usually the guy at parties doing dumb stuff. 

Winners date people they feel are out of their league. 
Losers date people they feel superior to. 

Winners are comfortable being wrong, seeing it as a learning opportunity and a way to become right. 
Losers will never admit to being wrong, further increasing the odds of them always being wrong. 

Winners don't have to tell you they're winners.
Losers will tell you they're a winner to make sure you don't think they're a loser. 

When a winner dates a loser, the winner has most likely fallen for the smoke screen the loser has put up to hide their loserness. They are attracted to the things the loser has perfected faking. They are attracted to the loser's feeling and attitude of superiority at first like a moth to a flame, because winners are ok feeling like losers and see it as an opportunity for growth. Hopefully the loser doesn't get prego before the winner figures out they suck or this could be a miserable future for a true winner. 
On the loser's side - when they date a winner.. they like the feeling at first of feeling superior to a winner.. they see it as a win on their part and continue to perfect the facade that drugged the winner. However the loser, unless they are able to change, will be just as miserable in a long term relationship with a winner because sooner or later they'll have to admit they're a fraud when faced with actual winning circumstances or they'll have to walk away. It's a lose-lose. 

When a loser dates a loser... measuring sticks are kept in back pockets to be brought out at any time. Competing egos and constant wrestling for the upper-hand is to be expected. Instead of lifting each other up, they will find ways to put each other down so that they can feel superior picking them back up. They break each other so that they can fix each other. Everybody loses. 

When a winner dates a winner, it doesn't matter WHO is right but WHAT is right. They are constantly learning from each other and allowing each other to grow in and outside of their relationship. Winners are happy for each other's success. They want the winner they're dating to continue to win, and truly wish for them to be happy, healthy, successful, and productive. A winner knows that they are winning if their partner is winning. They also want to win not only for themselves, but to benefit their winning partner. They feel the need to win, not out of pressure, but out of a desire to be the best they can be for the person they feel is even better than they are. Winners together are known as "power couples". True winners allow their partner to lift them up, and are willing to lift up their partner when they fall. winners + winners = #winning. duh. 

if you're a winner and find yourself dating a loser: run. all ye perish who enter here. 

if you're a loser dating a winner: you probably want to tie them down before they realize you're a loser cuz whether you're dating a loser or a winner, life is going to suck for you. so. get prego. probably. 

if you're a loser dating a loser: good luck. hopefully two negatives will eventually make a positive here when you realize that you both suck someday? 

if you're a winner dating a winner: contact disney so they can make a movie about your life. Though life, dating, and relationships are hard - you have the formula for a happy ending. hold on to your winner. 

How to know if you're dating a loser: 
- they feel the need to make you feel like you're wrong.
- they are jealous and possessive 
- they celebrate mediocrity 
- when they lose, even silly things, they turn into the Hulk
- their friends suck (loser circle) 
- they don't like you being successful or having fun without them
- when others compliment you, they hate it/ get insecure 
- they drive big lifted trucks  (not always the case). 

Surround yourself with people that you think are more awesome than you are. Create your own winner's circle. Don't talk to losers. they suck.. and everybody wins! 


March 15, 2013

Tinder Loving Care

I believe that self worth, and your position on various social, emotional, and psychological spectrums -  comes from averaging your number of facebook friends, tinder-matches, twitter-followers, and likes on your most recent instagram picture. If this number is high, you most likely will succeed in every endeavor. If your number lies below average - get the freak out. You will most likely die alone. with 50 cats. and a photoshop/netflix addiction.
We all live vicariously through our much-cooler-internet-selves... wishing to someday live the life we pretend to on facebook .. with a newsfeed full of teen angst.. haters.. and golds gym die hards wearing nothing in their pictures but a flat-brimmed-hat.. begging us to draw them like one of our french girls..

"wearing this... wearing... ONLY this...." 

we couldn't possibly hope for more. 
I mean c'mon... the ability to add random strangers.. stalk them... search them without a warrant.. get all up in their koolaid.. while telling ourselves we're not creepy.. with their "Summer '09" album cover as our phone background - what more could a college student want?!! 

Oh ya.. a creepy internet dating app that exploits the shallowness of your peers and allows you to skip the "does he think i'm smokin hot or definitely not" convos you have with yourself about all your guy friends. Welcome to the world of Tinder.
For those of you who aren't hip.. Tinder is the new rage. A picture appears on your iphone screen... full of possibility... looking like this:
"I'm ready to party"

"I'm super athletic" 

"I'm really good with kids" 

or this: 
"I work at Vivint"

You then face the moment of truth.....the power of your future.. the existence of your future children... and the excitement of your friday night.. all depend on one thing: knowing the difference between your right.......... and your left. 
If you swipe the picture to the left.. this option is lost and gone forever... there are no take-backs on tinder... no second chances after they've completed their pre-spring-break-P90X cycle.
Once swiped left an option is lost and anonymously gone forever from your radar. yes. anonymously. This homie doesn't know that you swiped left.. he isn't notified that his awesome personality didn't shine through enough in his 4 chosen photos and sentence of a status... 
thanks tinder. You've avoided many broken hearts and shoulder chips. 

If you swipe the picture right..... this new acquaintance has just been accepted into your world... this new.. "i'm here to meet people for the sole purpose of something love related and therefore have given you permission to message me creepy things and have no shame while competing against other cheesy guys in pursuit of your phone number and a spot in your bootycall line up".. world. It's like facebook.. only you can't see how crazy they are... It's like instagram... but they have 4 pictures to go off of and can message you directly.. no witnesses. 

For the first hour.. you are generous with your right-swipes. you don't want to be match-less.. sitting alone.. without any creepy messages to compare with your friends... so you swipe a couple 5's right... a couple 6's at best... the ones you KNOW are going to swipe-right you right back. phew. a match. you don't have to jump off a bridge now. 

Then.. after you've spent the bulk of your afternoon giggling at how many people you know that are on here... pretending like you're the new bachelor/bachelorette.. giving each doosie a moment to say their goodbyes before swiping them left.. 

You find yourself with a plethora of semi-attractive.. super-tooled-out guys... hitting you with line after line like darts on a love board.. hoping one sticks. 
After the first hour you decide to get more selective while still contemplating the hardest question of your existence..... 
do you simply swipe right because you know someone... or because you know them and know you wouldn't date and/or hook up with them randomly... do they get swiped left...? 

Do you swipe this familiar face into a lonely tinder abyss because you are facing reality... or swipe them right to see if they secretly think you're hot...? 
Curiosity most likely gets to you.. and you swipe everyone you know right... including the occasional same-sex match that tinder likes to throw at you to keep things interesting. 

While i'm sure many success stories will come very soon.. complete with fantastic super convincing commercials... in the meantime we are left with #dysfunctionalmessengerprobs and the hope that our future soul mate is tindering his way to you one swipe at a time...

One swipe closer to forever everyday.. "congratulations you have a new match!" 

Happy Swiping! 

Until Later...

November 7, 2012


Ever hear the phrase you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?
Ok.. well what if it's not necessarily salad dressing vs. frosting.. it's that your honey is disgusting.. your bees suck.
No matter what kind of relationship you're in.. friendship.. dating.. engaged.. married.. enemies.. you're bound to battle with communication and confrontation...
Being able to see different perspectives becomes important.. allowing your ego to get a few cuts and bruises... and learning the art of an apology becomes essential.

"Im sorry" and "i was wrong" are the two hardest things for people to say in relationships.. it's like pulling teeth. To admit to a flaw, lapse of judgement, or complete brain fart is admitting that you're not perfect.. a hard concept for some people to grasp. So, when the spotlight of blame shines on them, they abandon the art of the apology.. and go with some version of "i'm sorry that you made this mistake" or "i'm sorry that you made me make this mistake" or worst of all "you should be sorry that I made this mistake". Completing the douche cycle of: make mistake --> try to cover up mistake --> get caught --> feed on insecurities of person i'm dating/confidence in their wanting to be with me --> somehow blame them for the mistake i made --> get them to feel guilty for me making the mistake --> get them to apologize... until they circle back to the beginning of "make mistake" again.
Ever been in a relationship where every time anything happens.. any disagreement... miscommunication.. or flat out intentional wrong doing... the apology you get sounds like this...?

Relationships shouldn't be a contest of who can have the upper hand. It shouldn't be tally-marks on the wall and keeping score.. When in a committed relationship.. it should be about WHAT is right rather than WHO is right. When the focus goes completely on resolving the issue and getting past it.. both parties involved should be more than willing to take responsibility and move on!

The art of the apology:

Here are a few pointers and a few rules to follow when trying to resolve issues in your relationships with other humans.

1. Be sincere.
This seems like a no-brainer... however, in a world where you never know who is your friend and who has your picture as a dart board based on conversations and interacting with people, sincerity is highly under-valued and underrated. You don't have to push your concerns under the rug just because you want to avoid confrontation. You don't have to back down from an argument just because you CAN pretend like everything is ok. Pretending will get you nowhere.. in life.. and in your relationships.

Which brings us to #2..
2. Be clear.

Now that we aren't going to push our concerns under our metaphorical rugs.. and we're putting on our boxing gloves.. you have to learn how to fight.. and learn how to apologize.
No low blows.. no emotional rants that have to do with nothing.. and no bringing up irrelevant jabs that you think will help you win the war.. no "well i just KNOW your sister hates me and it's troubling me and i try really hard!" when you're argument is about them not calling you back the night before.
Being clear about what you're apologizing for will help you remain sincere as well...
For instance, if you have a girlfriend that tends to be UBER jealous and you didn't know or didn't realize and were talking to a friend that's a girl and she freaks out.. out of nowhere because of it..
You don't have to apologize for talking to another girl.. because let's be honest.. you're not sorry for that.. the reason you're sorry.. and therefore the reason why you're apologizing is that you didn't know you talking to another girl would upset your girlfriend. You're SORRY because you hurt someone that you care about unintentionally. So... you remain clear in your argument and talk reasonably about it.
You don't say.. "i'm sorry i talked to another girl... i'll never talk to another girl ever again!"
because then you set unrealistic expectations as well as apologize for something that you're not really sorry for.. which lets be honest.. would make you crazy.
You say.. "I'm sorry. I didn't know/realize that me talking to that other girl would upset you. I would never intentionally hurt you. You know i like YOU and not HER. Im sorry if i made you feel otherwise.. you have nothing to worry about."
She hopefully would follow up with "i'm sorry im completely insane. i know you weren't trying to make me cut myself.. i just am a jealous homie.. and would appreciate it if you recognized that and tried to make me feel like im the only chick in your heart.. i will also try and work on my hulk-like jealous tantrums."
Even if you're not sorry about something your bf/gf is complaining about.. if you care about them.. you SHOULD care about hurting them.. however ridiculous the event or indiscretion was that did it. You can always help a confrontation or argument move forward by giving a sincere.. clear.. apology for making them feel bad.

3. Don't take completely unnecessary blame.
Some people, when faced with an argument feel as if taking all blame and avoiding having to hash something out is "them taking the high road". They give themselves medals in their sleep when they wake up with emotional bruises over and over again
Saying, "no.. no.. it's my fault! You didn't do anything wrong! I'M sorry that you made a mistake..".. may seem like the mother teresa thing to do.. but you're creating bad BAD habits that will be tremendously hard to break in the future. You're creating tyrants and making yourself out to be a very comfortable punching bag. Conflicts/fights don't have to be mean .. all out fist fights! If avoiding arguments is your struggle, remain tolerant.. but still present a two sided battle.
If they try to turn all "Gretchen Weiners" on you and make you feel like it was YOUR fault that THEY cheated on you.. or YOUR fault that THEY completely forgot about something.. and refuse to take responsibility.. first off.. RUN. cuz homie... this person is a tool.
and second.. give a clear apology... that you're very extremely sorry that their tool like ways keep them from seeing that no this wasn't your fault it was theirs. .. and ya you can apologize for yelling or making it a big deal or whatever the heck you did... but then say.. yes i'm sorry for what I did.. but you did do that.. and it made me feel this way... i'm not going to ride you about it forever, i would however appreciate an apology because THIS kind of behavior isn't something i like and we should both work on it.

4. Don't avoid admitting you're wrong.

If you did something wrong.. however small it was..or gastronomical . you need to take full responsibility for your actions.. who would've thought. congratulations.. welcome to grownup land. I know it's hard.. but it's necessary if you want to be a tolerable human.
Whether it be something google-able.. or some big bad sin... put your pride aside and deal with WHAT is right.. no matter WHO said it.
Your pride wont be very much fun to kiss.. it wont keep you warm and cuddle with you in the long winter ahead.. it'll just make your head bigger. Which isn't a good look for anyone.

5. Once apologies are given and arguments are had.. move on.

Girls.. in my experience, this is something you like to do .. A LOT.
Remember when i said in #2. be clear.. "don't bring up irrelevant jabs". uh chyeah.. that goes here too..
No. you don't get extra points for bringing up something they did wrong 6 months.. 2 weeks.. or 4 days ago. It wont help your argument to point out all the other times they've been wrong.. or that chick he kissed when you were on your break 2 months before.. or the girl he texted right as you were getting together..
You've already hashed that argument out.. now move on from it! burry it! it's dead! no zombie-arguments allowed!
If you never let things go.. things will add up fast.. and your brain will explode trying to keep up with all the things your bf/gf is doing wrong.. you'll miss out on everything they're doing right!

Fighting and conflict is inevitable in every relationship... it's how you handle them that separates the great relationships from the ones that suck. Take pride out of your relationship and you will be so much happier.. focus on WHAT is right, not WHO is right... and, together, you'll always be right! Make sure the honey you're using to catch your flies.. is sweet and edible.. otherwise you may as well be using vinegar.

Until Later..

October 29, 2012

Double Double Toil and Trouble

It's the most wonderful time of the year..
The time when you contemplate deleting your Facebook because of your suddenly 'politically active' friends.. Mid-terms are over.. wedding season has died down.. and you learn which of your friends is all talk with their modest-is-hottest facade.. the ones that really just have a caged little ho inside them waiting to be unleashed.
That's right folks. Its the most wonderful time of the year! ... Halloween.
The night.. or weekend, let's be honest.. that you get to escape yourself and be someone else... a time where you wont get arrested for not wearing pants.. and its completely socially acceptable to rank the boys in your apartment complex by who would make the prettiest girl.
You really learn things about yourself.... and the guys that you thought you wanted to date until you saw them in guy-liner and green tights.. and nothing else. We're in college so OBVIOUSLY halloween is like it is in Mean Girls.. only worse.

The creativity is thrown out the door... it's now a contest of who can wear the least amount of clothing and still get away with saying they're dressed up as something other than a Victoria's Secret model or an Olympic Swimmer. It's like round 2 for swim suit season... only for sluts.

It's cool. i know im offending a long tradition of bingeing on candy while wearing your underwear.. and i don't mean to. Halloween is my favorite holiday! woo! however....
we need to address a new issue.
People always talk about the slutty chicks on halloween.... uh.. what about the slutty DUDES.
Yes. we get it. you work out. taking off your shirt comes as second nature to you... but at least PRETEND you're dressing up as something other than a douche bag. It's a complete double standard.
Guys go out... scam on hot chicks in cellophane dresses... judge them for being ultra liberal with their privacy and public decency... and complain. ok they don't complain. but they should...seriously girls.. put some freakin clothes on. just because you dressed up as a hussy for halloween... doesn't mean you're fooling anyone... we now know what's under your sweater set... a cookoo in a cardigan. you let our dignity out of the bag... along with most of your butt... and now.. you can't get it back.. due to the extensive facebook pictures and rumors about you and the hot fireman at that one party.
I'm just sayin... be aware.
anyway.. back to dudes. Y'all are hussy's too.
Im gonna give my 5 second preachy speechy...
You'll get more high 5's dressed up as a fully clothed teenage mutant ninja turtle... than a chick in her bra.. with wings on. and land an actual decent boyfriend if there happens to be one lingering in the crowd.
Angel wings and butt show costume? probably making out in a sticky-floored-corner somewhere with a guy with a fake mullet and a leaf as his costume... HIS WHOLE COSTUME.
you decide.
ok. done. you lived.

All you college single co-eds that are just looking for some halloween action... do what you do.. hot people will hook up with hot people.. naked people.. will probably gravitate towards the naked people.. so whatever vibe you're puttin out.. you'll most likely get it back. Adam will find Eve.. The avengers will assemble.. you wont ask last names and you'll get on with your lives.

All you other.. normal people.. with some moral decency.. rent a kid.. and take them trick-or-treating. Then pull an obama and take their well deserved candy and eat it even though you did nothing for it.
It's a win-win! You can post on facebook how you're being politically aware.. AND show everyone that you're good with kids and will be great at being married someday.

If you need some costume ideas... Ellen is as helpful as ever..

And in case you haven't watched any scary movies this season... allow me to give you something that will make you NEVER SLEEP AGAIN......

FURBYS ARE BACK.. ya. NOW try and think one happy thought ever again... nope. told you.

Happy Halloween!
Until Later xoxox

- Callymon

October 11, 2012

..The Need For Speed..

Where I live, everybody runs. Figuratively.. and literally. 
You can look on any Provo, Utah street.. in any weather condition.. at ANY time of the day or night.. and find several people.. just running. They run for joy, they run for fitness, they run into dating, they run into marriage, everything is one big sprint with every runner competing for the fastest speed from one point to another.. it's sick. 

Heyy I just met you.... don't know if you're crazy ... But we've dated 2 months.. So marry me maybe? 
Slow your roll sparky.. you're about to pull a muscle. 
Guys. I don't think I've washed my car in 2 months.. or talked to close relatives.. or decided if I like my new bedspread.. or finished a jar of peanut butter. 

Now, while all of you fine people are insisting that you’re in your right mind.. sprinting down the isle into your future.. getting hitched and planning weddings.. let me first say.. congratulations. 
You've won the game.. And finally are deTERMINED to get out of the stressful and confusing life of dating for the rest of forever. I commend you. 
That being said. Before you say "I do".. "you don't". 
So right now... all of us are still in the same stage of the dating game.... not hitched... and semi-single. 
Pause.. stretch a little bit.. and breathe. 
Now. take that smile off of your ignorant blind little love struck face.. This crap just got real. 

I like to believe the best in people..I want all people to rock. However. In this case... not exploring and addressing all sides of an issue.. or human.. could be detrimental to.. hmm.. I don't know... YOUR SOUL AND LIFE FOREVER!? 
so. while love is blind... let me provide you with some glasses that we will refer to as... red flaggers. i'll be your seeing-eye dog for the moment.

I'm not you. and I will in no way tell you how to make decisions or which ones to make at all... I will however provide you with information and opinions that you can take or leave.. choose to ignore... orrrrrrrr at least stop and think about. You’re welcome. 

In the past couple months, my friends and i have compared notes... Guys and girls.. married and single.. about red flags in relationships that they wish they would've seen sooner. That if they would've realized... they would've either taken care of.. or gotten the FREAK OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP BEFORE THE SATAN-LIKE HOMIE THEY WERE DATING ATE THEIR HAPPINESS FOR BREAKFAST. 

Red Flag --> Jealousy. 

The first one we came up with... Jealousy.. Possessiveness.. and the "you're not allowed to" syndrome. 
Seeing as there's probably a little bit of each of these in most relationships.. the spectrum on this is wide.  Most girls get jealous.. it's built into our DNA... most guys are protective... it's built in theirs. and merging two lives becomes a bit of a game of give and take... 
that's not what I'm talking about. That crap can get figured out and gotten over. 
I'm talking about being in a serious enough relationship that if trust is an issue... YOU HAVE ISSUES. and insecurity rules who does what with who. 
Yes. jealousy can mean that someone cares... or.. it can mean.. that someone is PSYCHO. If you can't talk to family.. or hang out with buddies... and you're DATING... NOT MARRIED YET.. you think this is going to get BETTER when you tie the not?!!? are you on CRACK?! 
no. marriage amplifies things like this. nip it in the bud while you STILL HAVE A CHANCE MAN! 
There are levels that remain in the healthy range.. but if you can't talk to people that have always been in your life.. uh.. like your family.. because it takes a fraction of your attention off of this crackhead you're dating... DROP THEM LIKE THEY'RE HOT. 

Red Flag ---> Fighting.

alright. now I'm not a moron. i know fighting is inevitable in every relationship.. every marriage is going to be hard a LITTLE BIT. so look at the WAY you fight.. and the things you fight ABOUT.. remember.... YOU ARE DATING.. THIS IS THE EASY PART!!! do NOT mistake confrontation or contention as passion. sure the make-up.. making out.. is great. but homie.... that's not going to last you forever. 
Look at the fundamentals in your relationship... what are you fighting about...? How do they act when they win or lose an argument? cause once again... marriage is NOT GOING TO MAKE THESE THINGS GO AWAY. marriage will only amplify what you're throwing the kitchen sink at each other about now. 
put your red flag goggles on.. and evaluate your fighting. healthy? or at a level that in 5 years you'll seriously consider committing a crime.. like murder. 

Red Buttons ---> it’s in the details. 

Now that i've popped 3 blood vessels on my keyboard from caps-lock yelling so much.. I’ll take it down a notch to the red buttons. 
Look at their relationship with their family... these are people they are comfortable with and don't feel like they have to be on their best behavior for. If they don't get along with a particular sibling or parent.. find out why.. Don't pull a Jake and Vienna (from the bachelor duh) and find out that all the girls in the house HATE Vienna with a fiery passion and assume that it must be because they're jealous of her.. because one day in the near future you'll wake up to find that all the girls just had their psycho-radar on and were trying to do you a favor. 
If they have a good relationship with their family.. wahoo green flag!

Look at how they treat pets.. if they don't like dogs.. they have no soul. 
personal opinion? i think not. 

Look at the way they interact with your family and the way you interact with theirs.. to some people this isn’t a deal-breaker.. but be aware.. cuz you’re not going to live your holidays for the rest of your lives in isolation away from these people that gave you LIFE. Just sayin. 

Look at how they treat people that wont further them in life in anyway, that they wont gain anything from, like waiters, or room mates, or crazy strangers. People they don’t feel like they need to impress may bring out a different side of them that you haven’t paid attention to. 

Like i said, all relationships are unique. I’m not going to tell you what decisions to make, or how or when to make them. Just make sure you know the decision, the argument, the defense, and the honest probability of your future happiness with the person you want by your side forever. Marry the person you can’t live without.. not the person you know you can live with. Don’t settle. Cuz life would suck if you did. 

I know they say "when you know.. you know!" .. and I know I'm not going to get it until it happens to me or whatever... but if you don't KNOW the person... things get complicated. I’m not saying it has never worked.. there are always exceptions.. but forever is a dang long time. take the time to get to know this person you are thinking you want to spend it with. 

While life has the potential to be all puppies and rainbows.. to be incredible..  don’t let a relationship status-change on fb and a pretty party in a pretty dress.. ruin that for you. Don’t settle for less than the best for you. This is real life. We’re making real life decisions.. this is big folks. so before you take the plunge.. hold up.. wait a minute.. put your psycho-radar in it. Be smart. train for this marathon of marriage.. don't start sprinting into a snake-pit blindfolded. 

cuz hey.. you're just married.. she turns out crazy... you want to run now? she's having your baby. boom.

This is your life and future. Think about it... and let go of this unnecessary need for speed. 

until later 

- Callymon 

May 7, 2012

School of Love

I truly believe that knowledge is power.
We begin our scholastic journeys together at a young age. As they spoon feed us material from the given curriculum, we soak up the possibilities of our futures among peers.. dreaming of what lies ahead.
The knowledge we are provided with varies very little, offering power for the masses, and little opportunities for educational and preferential expression. As we grow and blossom in our educational careers, we are provided with more options, adding forks and exits to what has been up to this point, a pretty straight and narrow path. Through Jr. High and High School we pick and choose our schedules and what classes we'll most likely skip weekly.. and then we get to college. Areas of literal expertise are ours for the choosing. Blank road maps that will lead anywhere we are willing to imagine. At this collegiate level, our horizon broadens and we, if we choose to listen, learn about ourselves in entirely new ways.
At this age, we are expected to sit down and decide who and what matters to us, and what exactly we are willing to do and sacrifice in order to get it.
No pressure right? Oh no worries... they've provided us with every kind of class you can imagine to help us figure it out! I mean, when in the middle of an emotional, spiritual, physical, or intellectual crisis, who doesn't think "man i'm glad i took that synchronized swimming 101 class" or "WWSD.. what would shakespeare do?!".
I am so grateful for opportunities to learn and for classes that allow you to follow dreams and make possibilities realities... but what then? Where are our classes on stress.. love.. fear...heartbreak.. the 15 uses of nutella.. decision making..? What text book do we turn to with equations of the heart and soul? WIth questions of identity and purpose?
We learn all of these things.. and then don't know what to do with them. You're a doctor... you spend like half your life in medical school.. you graduate... get a great job... your life is planned out for you.... the end? You study to become an accountant.. political dictator.. seasoned writer... public relations guru.. rock star... and then what? Your life becomes puppies and rainbows? No. Logic makes sense. It can be measured and taught. Formulas and equations can be taught.. strategies learned.. It all makes sense once you understand it.
If we truly believe.. which i do.. that the things that matter the most in life are people.. not things... relationships.. not reason.. then why do we fail to educate the masses on the things that will make us the happiest?
If only... if only..they offered love 101... decision making 305... fulfilling your potential 900.. secrets of the universe 112... creating a purposeful identity 760..  we would be prepared to face LIFE not just OCCUPATION.

The text books of love that we're fed along with our logic, are the fairy tales that give us what? "and they lived happily ever after..".. alright homies... prove it.
Where are the movies that show you what happens after they fall in love and have the big kiss? The only thing we're taught about love.. is that it's full of sparkles and fireworks.. and when you KNOW.. you just KNOW.
Does that sound logical to anyone? no. And because we're taught to believe this.... we only look for sparkly relationships in where we get rainbows and puppies.. and disregard the ones that bring any form of discomfort or fear. We immediately jump to conclusions that something is wrong with THIS relationship because we're too scared or stubborn to move anywhere with it.. and hey now... cinderella was never SECOND GUESSING HERSELF when she was dancing on glass and off marrying prince charming!! They just sparkled and shined right down the isle.. and on into... "ever after... happily.."..obviously.
The reality of love... is that everyone is afraid of it. No one will admit that they were terrified or unwilling to change to make things work.. they claim that they followed the model of sparkly butterflies that led them straight to their prince.

Let's throw those love text books out the window and write our own. One's full of logic and reason that both our mind and hearts understand.

The best place to start... is with ourselves.

Kindergarten: Customizing relationships.

I was a part of a very interesting discussion tonight. 2 guys and 2 girls, not looking to date any one of the other (at least as far as i know) sat down and talked about relationships. Our individual needs, wants, expectations, and past experiences. I was genuinely surprised at how different we were.
The interesting part came when we started talking about what we were looking for, and what we felt people should see in us.
Stop what you're doing right now. Imagine that you have the opportunity to tell someone exactly how to love you. Not necessarily explaining your perfect companion.. but you are to explain to someone else how to make you fall in love with them.. and how exactly you want to be loved back.
I wanted someone to value my independence, who was able to be their own person, and be secure enough be alone with themselves in a room and not feel uncomfortable.
One of the guys wanted someone that would always be with them and want to be with them, not necessarily having to carry on conversation or even touching... but to be physically around them all the time.
The other girl wanted a guy that was in her face all the time that she would never ever get sick of.
The other guy wanted someone to want him.. but didn't necessarily need to be with her all the time, like he wanted her to need to.

Figure yourSELF out, what you want, what you need, what you're willing to compromise.. find out how to love YOU.. and then don't be afraid to communicate that.

This first lesson needs to be that every person you meet is so incredibly different from anyone you've ever known.. and as far as i know... nobody reads minds. You may find yourself ruling out relationships that could be wonderful based on the fact that you expected something out of it, that you didn't communicate.
You have the ability to love and be loved exactly how you want to be. So figure it out.. take yourself on a date and get to know YOU. if you don't know you... you're gonna confuse EVVERRRYYONE else trying to get to know the undecided opinion-less bafoon that you look at in the mirror. This isn't just for single people, anyone in or out of a relationship should take the time to get to know the person they actually are, as opposed to the person they assume they've always been. Customize your love like you customize your personality. Make it one of a kind, and perfect for the people in the relationship.

1st Grade: Some times things happen.

Honestly, after all these years, i still believe in everything happens for a reason. However, my understanding of the phrase has changed.
I believe that understanding, and providing understanding, is the key to every relationship in your life. If you can try to provide the logic and emotion behind decisions you've made or are making in a relationship... WHY you over reacted.. WHY you don't want to continue dating someone.. how you came to the conclusions that you did... you may even talk yourself out of your own stupidity and see that you didn't make sense.. and you need to change something.
Understanding is all i can ever ask for.
The new understanding that i've come to understand..... is that sometimes.... things happen.. and you're left guessing. Sometimes people don't provide logical explanations for what they do and how they act. Sometimes.... you don't understand.
And in these cases.. before you get frustrated.. and start building walls and digging holes in your heart.. try to learn to let things go. accept that maybe you'll never understand... but that all is well that ends well.... and you have just been provided an opportunity to rewrite your own happy ending.
I'm not saying you have to celebrate when something doesn't work out that you wanted to... i'm not sadistic.. or retarded... I"m just saying that rather than search for unattainable understanding of the unfathomable... let it go.. and dive in to something.. or someone else.
don't let it forever affect your ability to form lasting.. trusting relationships. You'll be fine. I promise.

2nd Grade: A little give.. a little take.

Please consider in love.. that everyone needs to talk.... and everyone needs to listen. Generally.. people are better at one.. and worse and the other. If you're a giver... work on being able to accept someone else doing something for you... if you're a taker... work on the ability to give someone more of yourself than you take from them.
If you are good at talking.. don't talk. Listen.
If you're good at listening.. don't just listen.. express your thoughts and feelings.
Stretching yourself in a relationship.. will only make you more invested in what you have with that person. It will allow you to balance yourself out in someone else.. and help teach you to need someone else.

As much as i could go on up into the high school years... and help all of us graduate with the heart of another.... it's like 3 am.

We all don't need lessons on how to make someone fall in love with us.... or how to make ourselves fall in love with someone else... there are plenty of past blogs for that.
The hard part is getting it to go both ways. and there are no books for that.
If we can constantly strive to be the best kind of person we can imagine ourselves to ever be... our love lives will never fail us. If we love the way that we want to be loved... and surround ourselves with people we actually want to be with.. as opposed to people we think we should be with.. one day.. we'll have happily ever after.
Look first at the faults in yourself before accusing someone else of being the problem in your relationships.. and never compromise who you are for who you think someone else wants you to be.
There's making things work... and making things worse. And giving up yourself in the process of looking for someone else.. is retarded.
Feel free to add your own chapters to our love/life book! There are many grades to go in our school of life and love.

Until Later..

April 17, 2012

Discovery Channel..

Who invented this torturous week that makes all college students contemplate suicide?
Happy Finals week.. and may the odds be ever in your favor..
Where's the trust?! We went to your class all semester (except that mental health week we needed when it was like 70 degrees in the middle of January).. we took all your pointless quizzes.. can't you just assume we learned oh so much from you? you REALLY have to test us on things you know for a fact we're going to attempt to cram into our brains the week before... regurgitate just for your hour of death test.. and forget for the rest of forever? These are supposed to be our glory days! And you know once we get senioritis in high school we never grow out of it...
As finals continue to kill me... i'll continue to take these breaks between study sessions that are longer than they should be..

I will warn you.. this post will not solve world hunger.. or your relationship problems.. however, it will provide you with a temporary break from thinking all together..
This is the discovery channel of pointlessness...

6 things i discovered this semester..

1. Red give me movies or give me death Box

Yaa sure i knew that redbox existed and what the whole idea of it was. I'm not retarded.. i don't live under a rock. But it's one of those things that until you try it... you have NO IDEA the impact that it will have on your life of procrastination. EPIC. I highly suggest that you go and explore.

2. Clarisonic face washing brush buzz thing of amazingness Mia

If you're wondering if it'll change your life... TRUST ME. it'll change your life. It A) feels awesome. 
B.) clears up all the yucky stuff on your skin.. and C) comes in adorable colors.. mine is purple, like this one.. It's worth every cent. 

It looks nothing short of disgusting.. but it's amazing! My mama has a crew of milfs that all work their little buns off together.. they've handed their health destiny over to my cousin.. whom i like to call "the milf whisperer" she got them all HOOKED on this stuff.. so naturally.. callymon tried it. It's amazing. seriously. yay for health and not dying. woo!

It charges your phone.. when you're not by a plug. uh.. duh. and doubles as a defibrillator and jet pack.. not really. but i love it. especially because i'm convinced that apple is making their batteries die sooner and sooner in a plot to take over the spot as the monopoly phone company.. oh wait. 

5. The dance dare.. 
Ellen.. one of my favorite humans ever... challenges all of the people that come on her show.. as well as eager fame hungry audience members.. to a double dog dance dare.. it's a fantastic way to spend a saturday.. or monday.. and like all of the other discoveries.. you wont know until you try.. and then you'll be addicted and go around dancing behind everyone.. looking ridiculous.. and having so much fun.

6. The JATD app...
If you enjoy quirky humor and like to laugh.. and your twitter doesn't refresh as fast as you may like when you're in classes that you cant stand... get JATD!! Just a Typical Day will fill your life with puppies and rainbows. 

4 things i've learned this semester...

1. Completely clear contacts SUCK. you can't see them when they fall out.. or get lost in your eyes. In the last week i've almost completely accepted the fact that i'll most likely go blind from the contact LOST somewhere in my freakin eye!! and then i got it out. 

2. Cell phones have airplane mode... when you dont want to talk to anyone... but still want to play bejeweled blitz on your cellular... flip it to airplane mode. Just don't forget to switch it back.. or your parents.. room mates.. and friends may sent out search parties. 

3. There's finally a "hide all engagement announcements" button on facebook!!!.. nope sorry. we can dream though right?  

4. You have to be happy single or you wont be happy in a relationship. It sounds cliche but it's true. Learn to be happy where ever you are in your life and marital status... if you're always happy no matter the circumstance, guess what...! you'll be happy... it's basically rocket science. 

5 sad songs i've written this semester: 

1. Anything..

2. Shadow Man...

3. Unlovable.. 

4.  Don't make me love you again

5. Whole

Dang.. i write bloody sad songs.. if you need a gateway into depression.. hey.. i'll provide the soundtrack.. its fine.

5 movies i'll definitely see this summer... (and reasons why)

1. The Avengers...

reasons? have you seen Chris Hemsworth? yep.

2. Madagascar 3.

.. because of the polka-dot afro zebra. obviously

3. Snow White and the Huntsman..

uh... Chris Hemsworth again. duh.

4. Rock of Ages..

Cuz it looks awesome.

5. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer.. no.. not really. that looks retarded.

5. The Dark Knight Rises.

Cuz it looks so incredibly Bad A.

3 reasons this will be the Summer of Love...

1. bearlake is so much better when you have a homie to tube.. boat.. lay out.. and nap with.

2. the world may end in december.. it may be the last summer we have.

3. and i need happy songs dang it!

5 boys that i've decided i will date in my lifetime/ have been dating in my head for quite sometime now..

1. Zac Efron.

we have HISTORY.. duh. can't fight a hsm love like ours.

2. Hunter Parish..

uh.. we have history.. when he sang on my album when i was 11 there was a definite connection that we both can't deny..

3. Chase Crawford..

uuh.. he's perfect. annd he went to high school with one of my friends. so. obviously that means we have to get married.

4. Ryan Reynolds

 He's perfect looking annnnd... he's hilarious.

5. Ryan Gosling

He a) stars in the best movie of all time... b) was in the mickey mouse club.. and c) looks incredible in a tailored suit with a little bit of scruff. yuuum.

4 things i hate...

1. Rude people. There's no reason to be mean. be nice.. retards.
2. Dark Chocolate.. why would they make chocolate.. that's bitter? so counter productive.
3. Gossiping. It's stupid. worry about your own dang lives.
4. finals.

2 things i want to do but probably will never be brave enough to..

1. Skydiving. the idea of it is incredible.. but no. i'm not going to jump out of a perfectly good airplane that's NOT going down.

2. Dye my hair this color..
the second i decide to go back blonde.. i'd probably end up bald.

7 things i'll never understand...

1. Where all the lost bobbie pins go.. you can buy a million.. and in 3 days.. you can't find ONE!

2. Why Nsync ever broke up.. i hated saying bye bye bye to boybands.. but now that they're comin back.. it makes me ill.

3. how facebook is legal... its a way to literally stalk every person you know.. and dont know.. without being arrested. Thank you ztalkerberg.. we love you.

4. how people pretend to hate Justin Bieber... he's adorable. he's talented. he's a bazillionare.. he wears purple. and he's like 12! what's the problem? and now he raps! bonus..

5. how they haven't invented a sarcastic font yet... if texting and emailing and facebooking really is the dark and dismal future of communication we're all headed for.. we at LEAST want to be understood!

6. Stingy red mango workers... you wont get paid any less if you actually fill my $10 cup of yogurt up.. why the heck do you get joy out of short changing me on my glutton free amazingness? fill-er-up!

7. Crocs.

1 song i've written that will most likely never make the album....
I wrote it with my friend BC for an Adam Sandler movie and they never used it... yes.. its called "Horizontal Hula"... #myybad

Happy Finals week. You're welcome for helping you procrastinate whatever you were supposed to be doing.
Until Later..