.. Masquerade ..

In life.. there are 2 ways to tackle a situation..
the easy way.. or the hard way
the obvious way.. or the subtle way..
You can go through the front door.... or the back door.

In most relationships.. there's a meeting.. you exchange numbers.. someone pursues.. there's some sort of a chase.. all gets resolved.. and you fall in love. Maybe slowly at first.. but you follow the natural path of progression.
We learn this 'front door' approach when we're really young... 'tommy and sally kissing in a tree.. k.i.s.s.i.n.g.. first comes love.. then comes marriage.. then comes baby in the baby carriage." You kiss. you fall in love. you get married. you have babies.
When we grow up and actually have to apply this method.. we find out that the front door is booby-trapped.
We have to Indiana Jones our way into the hearts of those we love.. dodging the big rolling ball of ex's.. swinging over the fire pit of mind games.. killing zombies.. rescuing trust.. until FINALLY we can walk through the front door and be in a functional relationship.
Even with the Indiana Jonesing.. the front door is still the easy way to go about things.
It's straight forward.. your motives are known.. you're on a mission.. both parties (willing or not) are aware of what you have set out to do.. and the adventure begins. GOOD LUCK.

In high school, my friend James met his dream girl Jane.
He literally tells the story as.. the first time their eyes met he KNEW he had to be with her forever.. cheese ball? yes. i love it.
They met at a party at a mutual friend's house and the chase began....
Most people called James just plain stupid for falling so fast.. because the ultimate booby-trap was laid in front of him.. flaming in all it's glory... Jane had a boyfriend.
Jane and Tommy had been dating for 11 months. They had been through A LOT together.. and neither one of them saw it ending anytime soon. It wasn't necessarily love... i mean they told each other they loved each other but it was more of a really comfortable friendship that neither one of them wanted to end. They had even tried to break up.. like 3 times.. it just didn't work. so they stopped trying! Everyone knew them as 'them'.. so they didn't really see the point in separating. It's safe to say it was pretty friggin high school.. but hey. they were IN high school so.... whatever.
When James came into Jane's life... of course she thought he was attractive and charming.. but she was at the party with her boyfriend.. so it was more of a 'recognizing beauty' attraction that a.. 'i WILL be with him' attraction. It was NOT like that for James.
As James pursued.. the idea of being without Tommy became more attractive to Jane.. She broke up with him 3 more times.. each time playing into James' ultimate fantasy of them being a couple.. she even agreed to being his girlfriend one of the times.. only to be back with Tommy within 2 weeks.
She didn't MEAN to play games with James' heart.. it just happened that way.
As her and Tommy started to fizzle out a little bit.. his family moved across the country. James' prayers had been answered.
Let's be honest here.. when has a long-distance-HIGH SCHOOL relationship EVER worked..? exactly.
So.. James'.. ya he stuck around this WHOLE time.. saw his window of opportunity..and Jane.. didn't really want to be alone. soo.. She went to James and told him.. 'i'm finally ready to be in a relationship'. He flipped! His dream was coming true.. he had made it to the Temple of Doom and he was claiming his prize.. RIGHT through the front door.. welcome mat and all.
With Tommy out of her life.. she was more open to the idea of James.. even though the first part of their relationship she was with him more out of convenience than anything. She didn't really want to go through that whole 'dating and finding' thing again.. so this was ideal.
James' dreaminess got to her little by little.. and they began to MUTUALLY fall in love. After a year of him dodging bullets.. building bridges.. and shooting ghosts.. James' finally got his princess.. and Jane slowly began to fall in love more than she ever had.

So.. loves sucks. It's hard. We learn this at an early age. James was a CHAMP. i don't know many guys that would go through THAT much heart ache.. and THAT many crazy booby traps to get the girl they want! Hopefully your love story is a litttttle less dramatic and a liiittle easier than our friend James here.. but you'll most likely follow the pattern.. up front. front door. Heroic entrance with theme music playing in the background. claim your prize and ride off into the sunset.

This next part should PROBABLY be in invisible ink.... cuz while all these people are rummaging through booby traps and getting set on fire... allow me to draw you a map to the back door.
It may be the hard way... but its the less flammable way.. and it turns the greatest results... let me explain.

Not many relationships take a backdoor approach.. because you have to take the time and effort to do some myth-busting.. while relying the whole time on the idea that these myths actually ARE myths. You have to take baby steps in unintended directions in order to claim your prize.. the whole time PRAYING you brought the right map! Knowing that if you succeed.. your prize will far outweigh the one you would've gotten going through the front door.. but if you fail.. then.. you are the weakest link. goodbye.
Although there may not be flame throwers.. you definitely have to play dead a couple times..
You may not be tackling the chuck norris method... but you get your double jeapordy.. CIA.. Jason Bourne on.. and still come out pretttty freakin bad A.
You have to perfect the art of the Masquerade.

The first time my friend Josh met Melissa.. it was like shhhaaawing.. fireworks.. every bit as epic as when James met Jane. He KNEW he had to be with her. After using all the strength he could muster NOT to get on his knee and propose.. He decided to talk to her for the first time. Through a long heart-to-heart.. he found out that she wasn't necessarily recently single.. but still claimed the term 'emotionally unavailable'. He sympathized with her telling her about his recent break up as well.. giving them not only somethin in common.. but a 'vent connection'.
You know what i'm talking about... the certain people that you get with to vent about certain things because 1.you feel less guilty talking about it with this person..and 2. you guys are on the same level of hatred.. heartbreak.. rebuilding.. or revenge.. so you have loads to talk about!
Well.. because Josh is a friggin genius.. him and Melissa formed this 'vent' bond. He made sure of it. She told him of guys that had tried to come and swoop her up in her rebounding phase.. so he made a mental note NOT to do that.. 'agreeing' with her about how insensitive they were.. when really he just wanted to be like welllll... nice talking to you.. lets get married.
They exchanged numbers as 'new friends'.. and Josh began his back door journey..

Now the backdoor is dangerous for many reasons... Josh had to make his motives unknown while still staying out of the all-dreaded 'friend zone'.. make Melissa love him.. without pursuing her in a way that she would think he was like 'every other insensitive guy that was preying on her in her weak state of instability'.. or her 'prime rebounding stage'. He had to carefully fill a void while trying to replace the void with comfortability.. but find the balance between the kind of comfortability that you never want to be with out in a best friend way.. and the kind of comfortability that you want to spend the rest of your life with.
He had to seem dreamy.. but uninterested.. while still being able to take full advantage of the opportunity when the window opened itself to go in for the kill..
Talk about the hard way!!

They began going on drives and going to parties of mutual friends together. He never called them 'dates' cuz he didn't want to be crammed into the friend-zone by having to tell people they were on a 'friend date'.. they were just hanging out. Melissa didn't even really consider herself single yet.. and she told Josh this.. putting a huge detour in his map.. and trying his patience even further.
He didn't set any expectations for her to feel bound by. She even went on some dates that she would TELL him about. It drove him NUTS!
The only way he could MANAGE staying completely out of the friend-zone.. and ride the crap out of that fine line in this big jig saw mess.. is to never talk about specific people he was currently dating.. But still let her know that he was desired.. and not gay.
and he was never afraid to be her knight in shining armor.. he was whatever she needed him to be.. like batman! hero.. dark knight.. person she hated when everything was wrong.
Finally after wading in the shallow end for 2 months.. the grand opportunity arose.
His parents had tickets to a basketball game that they couldn't use.. that he knew about for a week.. but.. knowing that her night was open.. he waited until that morning to call Melissa up.
He told her of the 'last minute' (that sly dog) game with seats that HAD to be filled and asked her if she would help him out and go with him. She obviously agreed to go.
Because he had a week to plan this out.. he had called his friend that worked at the arena who knew the one of the guys that filmed the games... aka.. the guy that did the kiss cam.
Josh picked Melissa up.. they went to dinner.. obviously had a blast.. and went to the game.
When the time came when the kiss cam was up they started giggling at all these people that had to 'awkwardly kiss on camera in front of everyone'.. then BAM!!! it was them.. on the camera.. no mercy!!! Melissa smiled.. kind of shrugged.. and said 'why not'.. and LEANED IN FOR A KISS!!!! Josh did the UNTHINKABLE!!! He turned her face and kissed her on the CHEEK!! and the kiss cam passed!! Melissa was confused. They were friends.. but she swore they had SOME sort of connection..? Why wouldn't he kiss her? every OTHER guy would've taken the opportunity.. it didn't even have to be THAT big of a deal!... it was on CAMERA.. it's like the cardinal RULE that if you get on a kiss cam.. you KISS!! the only exception is if it's your BROTHER!!
As she sat there over analyzing the situation.. like Josh knew she would.. He causally grabbed her hand and held it. Because her mind was sooo in another place... one of rejection and pissy-ness.. she thought nothing of it. After a couple minutes of them holding hands.. she became REALLY confused. BUT the rejection had snapped something inside of her.. WHY was it bugging her so bad that he hadn't kissed her!! She was totally fine with holding his hand. At least he would do THIS!
When the game was over they went on one of their drives to a place they often went to talk.. nothing out of the ordinary.. Josh was playin it cool.. but now there was this sense of twitterpation in the air..
When he started small-talking her about the game.. she would give him short answers until she couldn't take it anymore.. She straight up asked him.. 'why wouldn't you kiss me when we were on the kiss cam?... i mean it wasn't that big of a deal.. and i figured we were good enough friends that it wouldn't have been awkward..? did you just not want to kiss me?'...
At this.. Josh laughed... leaned over.. and BAM.. laid one ON HER!! ".. of course i wanted to kiss you.." he said when they pulled away.. like 10 minutes later.. "but that circumstance wasnt exactly ideal..."
This started the relationship of ALL relationships. From here.. they spent every waking moment together.. if it was even possible to spend more time than they had..
It was amazing because they already KNEW that they loved each other.. so they were seamlessly allowed to FALL in love with each other..
Josh had Jason Bourned the crap out of her.. putting any Chuck Norrising to shame. He creeped in the back door and stole her heart out from under her nose..

He began without setting expectations. Allowed her to be comfortable and secure enough to be herself. Allowed her to RECOGNIZE her feelings for him without drowning her in a decision or ultimatum.. and then made her smack herself in the face and wake herself up when he rejected her.. making HER address their connection between them that he had been forming.. and wanted all along.
After this long road.. when he admitted that he had loved her for a long time.. it wasn't a creepy confession of a friend that you had opened up to.. that all the sudden was telling you that he actually had lied.. he did like women.. and he couldn't JUST be your friend any longer!
It was a confession of patience.. and it was daaang sexy.
The early bird may get the worm... but the second mouse gets the cheese!
He strategized his way riiiight into her heart.. and was able to remain there forever.

He had 'busted the myth' in her eyes that men and women could be 'just friends' when the whole time PRAYING that the myth was really a myth. He had to endure the talk of other guys and her being uncomfortable with any other 'guy' in her life.. the whole time strategically making himself the only 'guy' that would be able to so seamlessly swoop in.

This back door approach requires SERIOUS Jason Bourneing.. its not for the faint of heart or the weak in self control.. you have to be batman.. and fill every window needed.. while making sure that it's not a 'strictly friends' relationship.
ways to do this?

1. be sexy.
Physical attraction is something that can't be denied. Even if you have sexy friends.. you wouldn't undermine their sexiness because they're JUST your friend.. you just address them as your sexy friend so... Be attractive. It's not that everyone is shallow... it's just that.. even when they claim NOT to be... EVERYONE IS SHALLOW. and this is important.
ugly friends... remain friends.

2. Don't be afraid to tell them when they're doing something that bugs you.
you don't have to be a doormat. with the complexity of the back door method.. comes the luxury and benefits of a 'platonic friendship' as well. Because you're taking your time.. you actually get to tell them when they're bugging the crap out of you. As weird as this may seem.. it actually puts you a couple steps forward in the right direction.
together you're conditioning each other into your 'ideal' people.. Of course you need to consider what things are 'changing peeves' and 'accepting peeves' (see 'under my skin' blog) but for the most part.. when something comes up that anyone trying to go through the FRONT door would ignore because they're just trying to be LOVED.. YOU get to address it and break down barriers that would come into your relationship later on when you move on to loving each other.


3. Watch that fine line.
Don't call them 'buddy'.. or 'friend'.. or heaven forbid.. 'dude'. This SCREAMS friend-zone.. and its just annoying.

4.Make sure you stay away from comments like 'you're suuch a good friend!'.. lean towards 'what would i do without you'.. and 'i love talking to you' or 'i'm so lucky to have you to relate to'.

5. Stay away from the word 'FRIEND' in general.. it just places unnecessary terms in their head. and subconsciously makes them think of you as a 'friend'. you can get around this and weasel into their subconscious as 'potential love candidate' without them even knowing!

6. Avoid ANY form of 'DTR' (define the relationship) at ALL costs! stay away from any conversation that you establish that you're 'JUST FRIENDS'..
If you play it cool at first and IMPLY that that's your intention.. you can then weasel past the actual conversation until its unclear how you actually feel about each other.. and then you slowly move in for the kill. Make them comfortable with EVERY step of the relationship without having to talk about it.

Be strong. Wait your turn.. line up your fireworks show carefully.. and then BOOM! Love will happen!
Most people want the glory of an Indiana Jones entrance.. fire BLAZING.. bridges FALLING.. swinging in by a rope.. breaking down the front door.
Yes Indiana Jonesing lights a fuse in someone and i'm not saying that the front door approach doesn't work.. cuz it DOES! But sometimes you have to slowly increase the heat in order to boil the frog or they'll jump out..
Once again.. hookerism.. killin stuff.. these aren't things i'm promoting. get over it that i just referred to your potential girlfriend/boyfriend as a boiling frog.
Be willing to be a double agent.. pull some undercover - Jason Bourning.. and your reward will be worth it.
Make some undercover magic..
The name of the game is Masquerade.

Until later!
xoxox
-Callymon