Honey

Ever hear the phrase you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?
Ok.. well what if it's not necessarily salad dressing vs. frosting.. it's that your honey is disgusting.. your bees suck.
No matter what kind of relationship you're in.. friendship.. dating.. engaged.. married.. enemies.. you're bound to battle with communication and confrontation...
Being able to see different perspectives becomes important.. allowing your ego to get a few cuts and bruises... and learning the art of an apology becomes essential.

"Im sorry" and "i was wrong" are the two hardest things for people to say in relationships.. it's like pulling teeth. To admit to a flaw, lapse of judgement, or complete brain fart is admitting that you're not perfect.. a hard concept for some people to grasp. So, when the spotlight of blame shines on them, they abandon the art of the apology.. and go with some version of "i'm sorry that you made this mistake" or "i'm sorry that you made me make this mistake" or worst of all "you should be sorry that I made this mistake". Completing the douche cycle of: make mistake --> try to cover up mistake --> get caught --> feed on insecurities of person i'm dating/confidence in their wanting to be with me --> somehow blame them for the mistake i made --> get them to feel guilty for me making the mistake --> get them to apologize... until they circle back to the beginning of "make mistake" again.
Ever been in a relationship where every time anything happens.. any disagreement... miscommunication.. or flat out intentional wrong doing... the apology you get sounds like this...?

Relationships shouldn't be a contest of who can have the upper hand. It shouldn't be tally-marks on the wall and keeping score.. When in a committed relationship.. it should be about WHAT is right rather than WHO is right. When the focus goes completely on resolving the issue and getting past it.. both parties involved should be more than willing to take responsibility and move on!


The art of the apology:

Here are a few pointers and a few rules to follow when trying to resolve issues in your relationships with other humans.

1. Be sincere.
This seems like a no-brainer... however, in a world where you never know who is your friend and who has your picture as a dart board based on conversations and interacting with people, sincerity is highly under-valued and underrated. You don't have to push your concerns under the rug just because you want to avoid confrontation. You don't have to back down from an argument just because you CAN pretend like everything is ok. Pretending will get you nowhere.. in life.. and in your relationships.

Which brings us to #2..
2. Be clear.

Now that we aren't going to push our concerns under our metaphorical rugs.. and we're putting on our boxing gloves.. you have to learn how to fight.. and learn how to apologize.
No low blows.. no emotional rants that have to do with nothing.. and no bringing up irrelevant jabs that you think will help you win the war.. no "well i just KNOW your sister hates me and it's troubling me and i try really hard!" when you're argument is about them not calling you back the night before.
Being clear about what you're apologizing for will help you remain sincere as well...
For instance, if you have a girlfriend that tends to be UBER jealous and you didn't know or didn't realize and were talking to a friend that's a girl and she freaks out.. out of nowhere because of it..
Apologize.
You don't have to apologize for talking to another girl.. because let's be honest.. you're not sorry for that.. the reason you're sorry.. and therefore the reason why you're apologizing is that you didn't know you talking to another girl would upset your girlfriend. You're SORRY because you hurt someone that you care about unintentionally. So... you remain clear in your argument and talk reasonably about it.
You don't say.. "i'm sorry i talked to another girl... i'll never talk to another girl ever again!"
because then you set unrealistic expectations as well as apologize for something that you're not really sorry for.. which lets be honest.. would make you crazy.
You say.. "I'm sorry. I didn't know/realize that me talking to that other girl would upset you. I would never intentionally hurt you. You know i like YOU and not HER. Im sorry if i made you feel otherwise.. you have nothing to worry about."
She hopefully would follow up with "i'm sorry im completely insane. i know you weren't trying to make me cut myself.. i just am a jealous homie.. and would appreciate it if you recognized that and tried to make me feel like im the only chick in your heart.. i will also try and work on my hulk-like jealous tantrums."
Even if you're not sorry about something your bf/gf is complaining about.. if you care about them.. you SHOULD care about hurting them.. however ridiculous the event or indiscretion was that did it. You can always help a confrontation or argument move forward by giving a sincere.. clear.. apology for making them feel bad.

3. Don't take completely unnecessary blame.
Some people, when faced with an argument feel as if taking all blame and avoiding having to hash something out is "them taking the high road". They give themselves medals in their sleep when they wake up with emotional bruises over and over again
Saying, "no.. no.. it's my fault! You didn't do anything wrong! I'M sorry that you made a mistake..".. may seem like the mother teresa thing to do.. but you're creating bad BAD habits that will be tremendously hard to break in the future. You're creating tyrants and making yourself out to be a very comfortable punching bag. Conflicts/fights don't have to be mean .. all out fist fights! If avoiding arguments is your struggle, remain tolerant.. but still present a two sided battle.
If they try to turn all "Gretchen Weiners" on you and make you feel like it was YOUR fault that THEY cheated on you.. or YOUR fault that THEY completely forgot about something.. and refuse to take responsibility.. first off.. RUN. cuz homie... this person is a tool.
and second.. give a clear apology... that you're very extremely sorry that their tool like ways keep them from seeing that no this wasn't your fault it was theirs. .. and ya you can apologize for yelling or making it a big deal or whatever the heck you did... but then say.. yes i'm sorry for what I did.. but you did do that.. and it made me feel this way... i'm not going to ride you about it forever, i would however appreciate an apology because THIS kind of behavior isn't something i like and we should both work on it.
boom.

4. Don't avoid admitting you're wrong.

If you did something wrong.. however small it was..or gastronomical . you need to take full responsibility for your actions.. who would've thought. congratulations.. welcome to grownup land. I know it's hard.. but it's necessary if you want to be a tolerable human.
Whether it be something google-able.. or some big bad sin... put your pride aside and deal with WHAT is right.. no matter WHO said it.
Your pride wont be very much fun to kiss.. it wont keep you warm and cuddle with you in the long winter ahead.. it'll just make your head bigger. Which isn't a good look for anyone.

5. Once apologies are given and arguments are had.. move on.

Girls.. in my experience, this is something you like to do .. A LOT.
Remember when i said in #2. be clear.. "don't bring up irrelevant jabs". uh chyeah.. that goes here too..
No. you don't get extra points for bringing up something they did wrong 6 months.. 2 weeks.. or 4 days ago. It wont help your argument to point out all the other times they've been wrong.. or that chick he kissed when you were on your break 2 months before.. or the girl he texted right as you were getting together..
You've already hashed that argument out.. now move on from it! burry it! it's dead! no zombie-arguments allowed!
If you never let things go.. things will add up fast.. and your brain will explode trying to keep up with all the things your bf/gf is doing wrong.. you'll miss out on everything they're doing right!


Fighting and conflict is inevitable in every relationship... it's how you handle them that separates the great relationships from the ones that suck. Take pride out of your relationship and you will be so much happier.. focus on WHAT is right, not WHO is right... and, together, you'll always be right! Make sure the honey you're using to catch your flies.. is sweet and edible.. otherwise you may as well be using vinegar.

Until Later..
xoxo
-Callymon