Tinder Loving Care

I believe that self worth, and your position on various social, emotional, and psychological spectrums -  comes from averaging your number of facebook friends, tinder-matches, twitter-followers, and likes on your most recent instagram picture. If this number is high, you most likely will succeed in every endeavor. If your number lies below average - get the freak out. You will most likely die alone. with 50 cats. and a photoshop/netflix addiction.
We all live vicariously through our much-cooler-internet-selves... wishing to someday live the life we pretend to on facebook .. with a newsfeed full of teen angst.. haters.. and golds gym die hards wearing nothing in their pictures but a flat-brimmed-hat.. begging us to draw them like one of our french girls..

"wearing this... wearing... ONLY this...." 

we couldn't possibly hope for more. 

I mean c'mon... the ability to add random strangers.. stalk them... search them without a warrant.. get all up in their koolaid.. while telling ourselves we're not creepy.. with their "Summer '09" album cover as our phone background - what more could a college student want?!! 

Oh ya.. a creepy internet dating app that exploits the shallowness of your peers and allows you to skip the "does he think i'm smokin hot or definitely not" convos you have with yourself about all your guy friends. Welcome to the world of Tinder.
For those of you who aren't hip.. Tinder is the new rage. A picture appears on your iphone screen... full of possibility... looking like this:

"I'm ready to party"

This: 

"I'm super athletic" 

this: 

"I'm really good with kids" 

or this: 

"I work at Vivint"

You then face the moment of truth.....the power of your future.. the existence of your future children... and the excitement of your friday night.. all depend on one thing: knowing the difference between your right.......... and your left. 

If you swipe the picture to the left.. this option is lost and gone forever... there are no take-backs on tinder... no second chances after they've completed their pre-spring-break-P90X cycle.

Once swiped left an option is lost and anonymously gone forever from your radar. yes. anonymously. This homie doesn't know that you swiped left.. he isn't notified that his awesome personality didn't shine through enough in his 4 chosen photos and sentence of a status... 

thanks tinder. You've avoided many broken hearts and shoulder chips. 

If you swipe the picture right..... this new acquaintance has just been accepted into your world... this new.. "i'm here to meet people for the sole purpose of something love related and therefore have given you permission to message me creepy things and have no shame while competing against other cheesy guys in pursuit of your phone number and a spot in your bootycall line up".. world. It's like facebook.. only you can't see how crazy they are... It's like instagram... but they have 4 pictures to go off of and can message you directly.. no witnesses. 

For the first hour.. you are generous with your right-swipes. you don't want to be match-less.. sitting alone.. without any creepy messages to compare with your friends... so you swipe a couple 5's right... a couple 6's at best... the ones you KNOW are going to swipe-right you right back. phew. a match. you don't have to jump off a bridge now. 

Then.. after you've spent the bulk of your afternoon giggling at how many people you know that are on here... pretending like you're the new bachelor/bachelorette.. giving each doosie a moment to say their goodbyes before swiping them left.. 

You find yourself with a plethora of semi-attractive.. super-tooled-out guys... hitting you with line after line like darts on a love board.. hoping one sticks. 

After the first hour you decide to get more selective while still contemplating the hardest question of your existence..... 

do you simply swipe right because you know someone... or because you know them and know you wouldn't date and/or hook up with them randomly... do they get swiped left...? 

Do you swipe this familiar face into a lonely tinder abyss because you are facing reality... or swipe them right to see if they secretly think you're hot...? 

Curiosity most likely gets to you.. and you swipe everyone you know right... including the occasional same-sex match that tinder likes to throw at you to keep things interesting. 

While i'm sure many success stories will come very soon.. complete with fantastic super convincing commercials... in the meantime we are left with #dysfunctionalmessengerprobs and the hope that our future soul mate is tindering his way to you one swipe at a time...

One swipe closer to forever everyday.. "congratulations you have a new match!" 

Happy Swiping! 

Until Later...

xoxo 

Callymon