Something Buried.. Something Burned

I've always thought of love as a tug-of-war... a little give.. a little take.. finding the balance.. picking your battles.. surrendering the upper hand.. taking control... caring more.. caring less.. back and forth back and forth back and forth..
That sometimes you are running.. and sometimes you are chasing..
That at the end of the day, everything works itself out.
I've grown up believing the fairytale of love.. and everything that goes along with it.

I never understood the phrase 'falling in love alone'.. i just figured that if someone was dumb enough to fall without someone catching them.. that they had no idea what love was.. so therefore they weren't 'falling in love alone'.. they were just bungie jumping without a cord. retards.

In sports.. there are individual events.. like track.. and.. bowling.. but in love.. if you run with no one chasing you.. what the heck are you doing... if you're chasing something that never has any intention of stopping.. either your legs will fall off.. or you'll die of a heart attack in the middle of the love road somewhere... alone.
If you play the love tug-of-war by yourself... you just fall on your butt.

I've always believed that everything that is supposed to work out.. will. But what if something ISN'T working out that you want to?? what do you do?
How long can you hang on to something without needing to see a shrink?

This weekend i went to a funeral.
A funeral for all the lost love that my friends and i needed to finally stop complaining about and over analyzing.. the death of the love that we had kept as excuses to keep us from moving on with our relationships.

Our casket... was a box wrapped in black.. to obviously set the mood..
Our soundtrack.. a combination of the saddest songs we've ever heard.. and angriest revenge songs we could find... so basically a compilation of a bunch of songs i've written in the last couple years..
We each brought something to bury.. something to burn.. something to set free.. and something to take with us.

The something to bury was something we needed to put to rest.. love that hadn't gone the way that we had hoped... things that had broken our hearts.. things that we vowed would no longer affect us.. and hope that we needed to extinguish.

The something to burn.. was something that first off.. we reallllly wanted to see set on fire.. pictures of ex's.. old love letters that were doing us absolutely no good locked away in our 'special boxes'.. teddy bears that we had contemplated turning in to voodoo dolls.. and the tshirts ex's had once looked so good in.. that laid in drawers.. gathering dust.. making us sad anytime they would make their way to the top of the drawer.
The other things going up in flames were things that we had vowed we would never do again. Things that one relationship or another had brought out in us that we hated.. and just plain dumb moves that could've been avoided.

For setting something free.. we took things that we had held on to for dear life.. unrealistic comparisons that had forever plagued relationships since.. memories that we clung to in desperate moments.. feelings we would recall when we felt empty.. and ridiculous fears that we needed to send off into the wind.. tied to white balloons.. off into the universe.


The last thing was something we had learned from these long lost loves that had changed us for the better... the things that we finally had to recognize that made the heartbreak worth it all in the end. We wrote these things down and framed them.. not as a way of looking back.. but as a way of taking the good and moving forward with it.. leaving the rest in a pile of dirt and ashes.

This yah-yah sisterhood moment included: Jane.. Lola.. Katie.. and yours truly.

Jane had a problem of attracting 'the one that got away'. The ONE that got away became a salt lake marathon of boys signing up to be the one that walked away from her into the arms of another... going 26 miles with Jane.. to bail on the last .2 .. getting in a car and driving off into the sunset of another woman. I mean don't get me wrong.. the reason there are so many on this roster is because she dates more than anyone i've ever met.. and they all happen to be quality guys.. at one point in their relationship or another. But this long list of ex lovers was getting Jane down and inhibiting her from moving forward or taking any love seriously anymore. She would now take every relationship to that 26 miles and then even if they had a chance of working out.. she would be the one to bail.. following suit of her regular routine. She didn't want to get hurt.. which made her afraid of being happy.
So... into our casket the roster went.. complete with wedding invites from these ex's.. and papers where she had practiced writing her first name with their last.
She put to rest the pigeonhole she had put herself in of 'terminal bachelorette'.. she buried the fact that love hadnt worked out thus far.. to make room for the idea that someone was out there for her and she would find him soon. She buried her closedmindedness and opened her eyes to the possibilities in front of her.
Jane burned the letter an ex had written her parents about how special she was and how she had changed his life.. along with how sad he was, devastated that it hadn't worked out. psh.. liar got engaged like 2 months later... to the girl that he cheated on Jane with. awesome.
She burned a teddybear a different boy had won her at a fair.. the fair that he had told her that he loved her at.
She set free the name 'Jake'.. the boy that she had held so tightly in her heart that she had kept herself from the possible depth of other relationships.
And her frame contained the words 'Strength'.. 'Wisdom'.. and 'Experience'.

Lola just got out of a relationship that lasted 5 months... 5 months toooo lonnngg!
All this boy did was tear her down.. which of course she didn't see while she was in it.. hence the funeral.. and realization of her recent stupidity.
He would tell her she wasn't smart enough.. pretty enough.. skinny enough.. blonde enough.. social enough.. and that she didn't care enough about him. I mean no he wouldn't just come out and say it.. but over the course of these 5 months he broke her down into a fine powder.. something unrecognizable and weak.
She buried his picture. enough said. Earl had to die.
She set fire to the word "BLIND" along with everything he had ever given her.
She set free the words 'not good enough'.. vowing to never let this affect her future.. healing wounds that he had opened over and over again.. and her frame contained a picture of a key.. representing the fact that she has the ability and tools to get out of anything that isn't good for her.. before it breaks her like homie-retard did.

Katie had had a fire burning in her heart for the same boy since middle school. She had and thought she always would love this one boy, Nathan, all her life. He had been the only boy in her life for so long that she was scared she would never move past it.
They got engaged.. planned the wedding.. and then a month before they were scheduled to say 'i do'.. he had met someone else.. and broken not only the promise he had made Katie.. but her heart.
She had still held the hope that maybe someday.. he would realize that he was wrong.. that this girl was a pre-midlife crisis.. that they could get through this confusion together..
They broke off their engagement 7 months ago, and last month.. he got married... to the girl he had left his life long love for. The girl that had ruined katie's happily ever after.
Katie finally buried his picture.. his letters.. and her promise ring that she had had since she was 16.
She burned the last letter that he wrote her telling her 'i will always love you'.. and the chicks picture.. duh.
She set free the engagement ring that he gave her.. tying a fake diamond ring to the white balloon.. sending it off into the heavens. Setting herself free from this promise that she had held on to.
Katie's frame contained a picture of Prince Charming from the movie cinderella.. representing the fact that there was in fact someone that would sweep her off her feet again.. that she would love even deeper than Nathan.

The funeral for me was a different experience. As much as i would love to vent.. you can create the love story within the frame that i give you... fill in your own blanks.

Into the casket.. I put this song.. a song i wrote called 'Anything'.

I burned old pictures and letters..

My balloon sent a polkadotted ribbin into the universe..

And my frame holds a mirror with a picture of a music note.. and the words.. "everything happens for a reason".


Maybe it's time for you to finally let go of people or feelings that have been holding you back from the endless possibilities of love. Maybe its time to start not only a new chapter.. but a new story. Gather up your memories.. your fears and your insecurities and have a funeral of your own.
Everyone has a past.. it's what makes us who we are. But today will be tomorrow's yesterday. You're creating your future past.. making the memories you'll look back on.. taking the pictures you'll burn in the future.. and holding on to things that someday you might have to let go of.
Don't let what has happened in your past keep you from continuing on to your future. Continue to make memories that someday you and your girlfriends might cry over.. or laugh about. If you get hurt again.. hey.. grab an old box.. a set of matches.. a balloon.. and a picture frame and have yourself another funeral! The time will come soon enough that all of your heartache.. all of your 'falling in love alone' will make sense.. you'll find the person that will stay on the other side of your love tug-of-war rope.. promising to never let you fall alone again. Push forward and your happy ending will be right around the corner.

Until Later..
xoxo
-Callymon

ps.. this is the first blog that i've included my music on.. i'll do this every once in a while.. or more. whatevs. hope you like it!