Red light.. Green light

It's a friday night. You're driving to get Del taco after that date that you didn't eat anything on cuz either.. you're 'one of those chicks' or the head of lettuce and 1/4 lb of cow stuck in your date's teeth literally made you queezy past the point of anorexia. You pull up to a stop sign at the same time as another car.. you both play the stop and go stop and go game.. waving at each other for both of you to go ahead.. cursing their idiot driving under your breath.. wondering if they ever went to drivers ed, when both of you just stop. sharing that awkward moment that everyone's had.. until you finally decide it's your right of way and you proceed... looking in your rearview just as the moron turning left finally pulls out and executes his task. As you shake your head thinking about the guy driving like your Uncle Ned.. You pull up to a round about.. and wake up in a hospital... taco-less.. wondering where that car came from.. wondering if you're ever going to see the car you've had since you were 16 again. Realizing that you didn't yield to the signs in front of you.. thinking you were invincible and your decision was the right one..  all the time wishing that you could go back and look like the safe idiot at the stop sign.

In life, we're given signs and sets of instructions that if followed, will help us get safely from birth to death.. from one end of our lives to the other.. (hopefully pushing death back one day at a time).

"Do not iron clothes on body"

"do NOT blow dry hair in bathtub"

"do not spray windex in eyes" 

all of which make me slightly lose hope in humanity. They should write a book called "LIVING for idiots" where they could include all of these complicated instructions. 

We subconsciously become slaves to the obvious logic attached to the simple signs of our everyday... assuming that others will do the same to keep the world from starting on fire. We learn that when we come to a big red octagon in the street... we're supposed to stop. That at a yellow light.. we punch it. We yield at cross walks and round- abouts. We follow the yellow brick road if we want to get to OZ. 

If you misread a sign and fail to act... you look like the idiot that's just chillin in the turn lane while the green arrow time ticks slowly by. You become that moron that wouldn't follow through at the stop sign while everyone sits there awkwardly waiting for someone to make a move. 

If you misread or disregard a sign and move too quickly.. you can end up in the hospital.. get nailed from the side while you run a red light.. get a mean ticket for running a stop sign.. or end up somewhere you never intended on going. 

With all of these obvious instructions given to us that you're now shaking your head at, you'd think that there would be a standard book of signs and body language for dating by now. I mean really.. if you have to tell someone that their microwave should never be used to dry their pet, and warn them that their hot chocolate is hot.. their knives are sharp.. and water is wet.. you'd think that the things people actually need instructions for would be an obvious choice for warning labels and handbooks. 

Love is a lot like driving.. if you wait to long to execute.. you look like a moron. If you misread signs or completely disregard them and move too quickly.. you look like a moron with a black eye and a now open friday night for the rest of the month. 

If everyone could just simply read the signs, their dating world would survive one more day. 

STOP signs..

With all the games that people play in dating.. some people have 'playing hard to get' down to a system.. it's become an art form they've perfected. While it works and executes a said objective for some people.. people use this realization to stay in denial.. cross over into creeper status.. or just plain not take hints that are thrown in their direction. 

There is a difference between 'playing hard to get'.. and enrolling yourself in the witness protection program.. contemplating getting a restraining order.. and playing 'never gonna happen'. 

Guys.. when a girl isn't calling you back.. texting you back.. answering your carrier pigeons.. all of the sudden 'moved to europe'.. or too sick to go out.. ever..? Please just take the big red stop sign in front of you for what it's worth.. 

Girls.. when a guy isn't calling after you've been out.. you know he isn't in the hospital.. you've driven past his parking space so you KNOW he hasn't moved to Cambodia.. and you check 6 times to make sure your phone isn't broken.. He's put the brakes on and taken a different route. 

As much as everyone says.. 'Just tell them you're not interested!!" and 'They'll appreciate your honesty!!'.. there is no easy way to tell someone that you're not attracted to them.. that you just dont see it working out with them.. that you had a lot of fun but there was no spark.. and they wear the same cologne as your dad and it confuses your hormones. When egos are involved.. no matter how big or small.. someone's feelings will always get hurt. 

However, while we pray that they get the hint.. most of the time.. lets be honest.. they wont. 

so. STOP signs... how to put the brakes on gently..? Be as nice as possible.. say what you need to.. and realize that even after you put your pretty face on and your puppy dog eyes.. you still might get a shoe in your face. Not being love hurts.. no matter what someone coats it in.  

Now.. hey y'all.. don't make a fool out of me..

If you actually LIKE someone... 

Guys.. i'm sorry.. it's up to you to show interest.. call them... text them.. facebook them.. email them.. send them a smoke signal.. ANYTHING to let them know that they don't need to over analyze every word they said.. what they wore.. and how the date was left. Even if you're busy.. show some effort if you want it to go anywhere before they go bald from pulling their hair out. 

Girls... if he shows interest.. SHOW IT BACK!! it's not rocket science here!! Playing hard to get is soooo over rated.. it'll only lead you both in circles. I mean don't get me wrong.. don't play..'eager to wed'.. but JUST not texting back for the sake of 'making him wait'... is dumb. 

 RED LIGHT.. GREEN LIGHT..

When it gets to the point where the question of kissing presents itself on the menu.. it gets tricky.

If you wait too long.. skipping the opportune moment.. the 'insert kiss here' times that cupid has magically planned out for you... you look like a moron. 

My favorite movie of all time is Tangled.. I thought it was flawless.. until recently. 

i was with my friend Steve when he pointed out the seam in the silk.... the dumb part of the movie that i had never even thought to question..

Flynn and Repunzel are in the most romantic setting you can imagine.. in the middle of a lake with floating lanterns all around them.. singing while looking deep into each other's eyes.. realizing how in love they are.. and BAM.. INSERT PERFECT KISS HERE moment comes...

Flynn sees two homies off in the distance that he has unsettled business with... DOESN'T KISS HER.. and says.. 'i'll be right back... there's something i have to take care of'... WHAT?! Disney... give me a BREAK here.. dude.. kiss the girl.. then go deal with big brawny ginger men that want to kill you.. duh! That's pretty much in the rule book!! 

So. If a moment like this presents itself.. don't be a fool and let it pass you by.

On the other hand...
If she avoids eye contact.... gives you a half-hearted hug... tries to keep you at arms length.. or starts coughing uncontrollably... do NOT.. i repeat.. DO NOT go in for the kill. awkkkwarddddd.
Read the body language. Guys.. i'm sorry.. it's up to you.. you have to go like 50.. see if she comes like 20... and when you finally realize that THIS IS HAPPENING.. THEN plant one on her!! .. but if you go 50... she goes -25.. chances are.. either a tic tac wouldn't kill you.. or she's not ready to kiss you.
So.. When you wait too long.. you are awkward.. and when you just GO for it with no indication if this is a mutual thing.. You're a sex offender.

Love is complicated.. obviously. It has the ability to make someone's day.. ruin someone's life.. break someone's heart.. and make someone whole again. It's a very powerful thing that we are in control of. Please be careful with it. Please read the instruction manual before going in one direction with full force with no intention of stopping.. Please be courteous to the other drivers out there trying to get from point A to point B so no one gets hurt. Be open with communication all along so people don't have to try and read your mind.. be maybe a little more obvious with your feelings than you feel you need to be to be sure that confusion is left out of the equation. Observe the rules of life.. don't spray windex in your eyes.. don't wait around assuming someone knows how you feel about them.. chances are.. both things will lead to disaster.

Until Later..
xoxo
-Callymon