The New Girl

You are a story. You are an author in charge of writing your own adventure.. your own happy ending.
You are a chain of events.. a never ending web of good and bad shooting in all directions.
Every thing you do.. every person you meet.. you influence something and someone.
Every move you make has an impact somewhere in the world on someone's life.
You are in a human orbit.

Have you ever thought of how much you affect the world around you? WIth each decision you make do you think to yourself.. wow. i really made that persons day.. or dang.. i was in a bad enough mood to send seismic waves into the hearts of those homies..
Every attitude. Every word. Every fleck of gold left out of your eyes is influencing those searching for something happier and better.. and depriving the world of the goodness you could bring to it.


When i was a little girl i developed this fantasy in my head that i've carried with me until recently. Every year at the beginning of school i would dream of moving to a new school.. new neighborhood.. new state.. somewhere where nobody knew who i was.. what i did.. or anything about me. The new girl that got to reinvent herself over and over and over again.. deciding who she was.. not letting the world around me do it for her. The girl that got to place herself strategically in the orbits of others.. influencing them precisely how i planned..
I wanted to be the new meat all the boys wanted to talk to.. the girl that all the girls wanted to play with at recess.. the new girl that was so mysterious that wild and crazy rumors about what my real favorite color was.. and if my dad was really an astronaut would be spread about.. at least the first couple months of school until the 'newness' wore off.

It wasn't that i didn't like the 'old' me.. i was never trying to run away from some outrageous 5th grade past of being the pencil outlaw or the drinking fountain hog... i never failed nap time.. i didn't need my record wiped clean. i just liked change. i saw how fun it would be to be the madonna of my time.. and constantly mold people's opinion of me.

As i got older.. this record became a little dimmer.. a little dirtier.. and the new girl fantasy became more and more attractive. Little mistakes here... bad habits picked up there... nothing serious.. but enough to put dust in my orbit. Enough to make me not the person that i would want people to remember me as.

I recently decided that i didn't like where i was in my life.. sad songs were all that came out of my head.. negative thoughts.. anti-social-ness.. i mean ok. no i wasn't depressed.. i just felt less shiny. Every area of my life was just going through the motions. day after day.. week after week.. waiting for the world to change around me so that i would be happier.. more satisfied.. less single.. healthier.. smarter.. anything.
I felt like there was so much to do that i didn't want to do any of it! the mere thought of the changes that i wanted to make were paralyzing!! so.. i did nothing. and then i did MORE nothing.. until nothing.. was kinda all i did.

Trying to change while the world around you stays the same is almost impossible.. so sometimes its the world around you that needs to change with you.

Through this lovely process of dulling my shininess.. i started developing a past that my future self would learn to hate. I started slowly spiraling into mediocracy.. and i had no problem with it. There was just too much to care about.. to care about anything at all. NO i wasn't depressed. NO i wasn't suicidal. duh. i was just blah. just chillin.. not doing a dang thing with my life.

I craved being the new girl more than ever before. i wanted to dump my dirty water somewhere and move to a clear Caribbean of people and places that expected me to be extraordinary.. leaving the people wishing me to fail behind.. so. i did what anyone looking for a change in their life would do... i googled it.

What do you do when something is dirty?? you clean it up! .. we've all seen the orbit commercials.
So. i googled 'cleansing'. and oh boy did i find what i was looking for.

the past 30 days i have done a complete 180. i have forced myself to become the new girl i had always craved to be...
i decided on emotional baggage i wanted to get rid of... spiritual goals i had never quite reached.. mental capacities i had failed to push myself to.. and physical things that i had been neglecting for waaay too long.. and started my 'new girl' transformation one day at a time.

Negative people.. gone.
Never going to class... fixed.
Insomnia.. cured.
Negative thoughts... replaced.
Bad eating habits.. changed.
Heartbreak hotel... closed for business.

The weight of the world was literally lifted as i realized that the first person i was affecting was myself.. so i was the only one that could change any of it. I was the key to being the new girl in my own life. In the orbits of others i could be a light in their life.. not a dusty magnifying glass of their own negativity..

the moment i decided to change there was no looking back. The new callymon had begun to form.. the old one buried in the ground rotting away with all the other gross things that she represented.

Love makes life hard.. but love also makes life worth it! and my heart was the biggest thing that i needed to fix. Once broken.. your heart needs the most rehab. Once betrayed.. your trust needs serious therapy before coming back in its fullness.

The thing that i learned the most from this cleansing process.. is that anything is possible.. if i want it to be. Like the little engine that could.... because i thought i would never get over someone.. i hadn't. Because i thought i was stuck never sleeping.. i wouldn't. Because i thought guys were all tools that were out to play girls.. they were. No one could be trusted.. because i wouldn't trust them. No man could be in my life.. because i didn't want anyone there.

Well folks. i'm happy to report that it can be done. and it SHOULD be done in your lives too!

It doesn't matter how hard your heart breaks.. fix it! It doesn't' matter how far away from your goal you are.. take one more step towards it! Sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk... and walk before you can run... but your life deserves you at your best. YOU deserve you at your best.. and your prince charming out there.. whoever he may be.. deserves you at your best.

Love likes the happy. Love doesn't' like the angry.. or the bitter. So get back to what makes you happy. Look at your life and think.. would i date me? would i put up with the crap that i put myself through? if the answer is no.. then you have a problem.

Pick things in your life that you can improve on... mentally.. physically.. emotionally.. spiritually.. intellectually... and decide to change them for the pure sake of happiness. For the fantasy of being the 'new girl' in your school.. your town.. and your life. Then if you're looking for love.. you'll at least have the right map.

Be the positive thing that people need in their lives. Choose happy. Choose amazing. Choose to lift people up not try and tear them down. Make people want to come into your orbit to get more of what you're hangin on to.

No one will ever come into your life if you dont let them.. including your new self thats been knocking on your door for way too long. Pour out your dirty water and cleanse yourself from the inside out. Out with the old.. in with the new.

Until Later..
xoxo
-Callymon

.. Childish things with Grown up wings ..

Santa Clause. The Easter Bunny. The tooth fairy. The monster in your closet that would eat you if you didn't clean your room. (no..? just me?)
The things that we grew up on. Things that made our lives full of magic and excitement. The best kept secrets in the world! The things that kept us scared of being on the naughty list.. kept our rooms clean.. our trips to the dentist exciting.. and our easter dresses covered in multicolored food coloring. Things that i wish i still believed in. And even more than that.. things i wish were actually true!
I still remember the day that my friend broke the tragic Santa news to me. I cried. I even pretended like i believed in him for 2 more years before letting my parents figure out that i knew their secret. I was devastated that the strange telepathic fat man in red with rosey cheeks that stalked me in my sleep, always knew what i wanted, and always knew when i was awake wouldn't be breaking into my house that year through my chimney. I was traumatized when i realized that.. BUNNIES DON'T LAY EGGS!! and really.. what tiny person would give me a quarter for my gross teeth when mom was home.. and 10 bucks for the same tooth on the other side when dad was home?
The monster in my closet that would eat me if my room wasn't clean.. obviously never scared me THAT much.. ok it did... but not enough to make me clean my room.. i figured out at a very early age that.. hey.. im still here.. my room's still messy.. i may be grounded.. but things could be worse.. i could be in the belly of the mess monster! The only thing this fantasy got me.. was a fear of the dark that never went away.
The older we get, the more ridiculous and childish our once childhood fantasies seem. The more 'mature' we get.. The more we cling to them, waiting for the day we can lie to our own children about the red-suited burglar and freak hybrid egg-laying bunny. The magic we once lived for.. and thrived on.. becomes the fun - yet ridiculous - memory of the younger us.

Thank goodness for Harry Potter or my childhood would've become waaaay too muggle-ish at much too early an age.. For when we got a little older.. a new kind of magic was introduced to us.
A magical land of spells and witchcraft.. trolls.. appearing feasts.. defeating evil.. and having your best friends stick by you til the end.
I would love to tell you of a time that all these wild and ridiculous fantasies left my subconscious.. but lets be honest.. im still waiting for my Hogwarts letter.

We grow up on these nursery rhymes and fairy tales of bigger and better things.. of worry free holidays and magic always being there to clean up after our mistakes..
As we get older.. we don't let go of these magical fantasies.. cliches.. and happily ever afters.. No. Like our shift from Santa to Dumpledore... we just get new hopes.. new dreams.. and new magical worlds to replace the old ones.

True Love is our grown up version of Santa Clause.
Now hold it right there.. nooope i'm actually NOT turning this into a cynical 'man-hating' 'love sucks' blog. No bitterness here. So all you mushy love people can read on without thinking that i'm gonna jinx you.. and all you bitter single people can change your cd to something Ernie Halter and take a chill pill. i'm not here to fuel your love-hate fire.
But.
True Love.. or what we have grown up to recognize true love as... is our grown up version of Santa Clause. We grow up on this fantasy of boy meets girl.. fireworks explode.. they get married.. and live a happily ever after every day from there on.. (cue birds singing and fawns cleaning houses)
If you think love is easy... you are setting yourself up for failure.
Should love be HARD necessarily..? absolutely not. But it should be the hardest and the easiest decision you ever have to make... and the hardest and easiest problem you will ever have... confusing? and a litttttle contradicting? duh. its love.
People think that love comes without trying.. and if you have to 'try' that its not real love. This is false. Sorry dreamer.. bunnies don't LAY EGGS! People have to work at love everyday! Its what you're willing to go through to MAKE it perfect that makes it true love!
If you're getting into a relationship.. don't write it off so quickly if its not all peaches and creme.. weigh the good and the bad.. THEN decide if its worth it..
If you're getting married.. cuz lets be honest.. its kinda the thing to do right now.. don't go into it thinking that if you have a small argument.. or even a LARGE argument.. that 'you made the wrong decision'. Sometimes things get heated! Take a chill pill.. walk it off.. and come back to the issue with a logical.. more level headed approach.
If you've been married a while and you are just nodding your head to this. then woot woot. have a cookie. you've figured it out.

a couple more Santas?

'Love is Blind'
as much as i wish this absolutely WASN'T the case.. its true! When you're in a situation.. you rarely see the actuality of what is happening.. it can be a good thing or a bad thing.. depending on the relationship.
If you're in a bad relationship.. and everyone around you sees it.. but you don't. it's because you haven't filled your 'love prescription glasses' in a while. The best way to see if you're Stevie Wonder-ing it or if you're vision is just a little blurry but you wont crash your car..... when people talk to you about your relationship.. especially the ones that care about you.. don't lie. Don't make excuses.. tell them exactly how it is... if it sounds like a bad relationship when you say it out LOUD.. but then you back it up with.. yaa but you're not IN IT.. so you don't GET IT.. honey. you blind.
It's no one's decision but your own whether or not you want to put up with this relationship or not. And if you make the decision to.. then keep your relationship problems to yourself. The only thing venting to someone else about it will do.. is make them hate your girlfriend or boyfriend even more.. and tell you what an idiot you are.

'Love conquers all'
True.
It doesn't matter what your fight is about.. jealousy... money.. just plain stupidness.. if you love each other.. that's all that matters. It's like the 'good vs. evil' battle. Good will ALWAYS come out on top in the end.
If you are letting something come between love. you're an idiot. cause really... love conquers all. And as soon as you figure that out.. you're gonna feel..and look.. like a total moron. Save yourself that walk of shame.. Let the little things go.

'If you love something let it go.. if it comes back its yours.. if not.. it was never yours to begin with'.. (or something along those lines)
trust me this is a whole blog in itself ( probably the next one actually)
But, i used to think.. this phrase is sooo retarded! if you LOVE something.. why the heck would you want to 'let it go?!' wouldn't you want to fight for it? hang on to it? NEVER let it go?! why would you have to go through some weird process of yo-yo love dieting?
and then... it happened to me.
like i said.. get stolked for the next blog.. buut to finish this one out..
for real.. if you love something.. and you let it go.. and it comes back.. it's yours.
Sometimes you have to have the courage to walk away from something with the faith and hope that everything will work itself out. You have to be willing to lose someone if you love them because you may not be the best thing for them. This santa SUCKS. but its true!
.. If it was never meant to be and you walk away.. then trust me something even better is on the way!
and if it WAS.. then hey.. start planning the soundtrack for when you two run into each other's arms and have the 'epiphany of each other' moment when you realize you could never live without each other.
Either way.. win win!

You can believe in 'true love' if you bring truth to your love.
Breathe.
Forgive.
and dont spend forever festering over things that are out of your control.. its time wasted.

Until Later! xoxo
-Callymon