... It's about Time ...

It's a hard knock life for a single girl with a facebook newsfeed full of relationship updates and a fridge full of wedding invites.. if there was an 'opt out' button for all the people becoming FB official and getting engaged.. trust me i would've found it by now. Happiness is on the rise.. and lets face it, as much as i enjoy living my love life vicariously through my favorite facebook couples and their millions of pictures at every venue you can imagine.. this is an equation that it just plain sucks to be left out of.
'ugh.. annoying'.. 'what do they have to prove to the virtual world'.. and 'they probably don't love each other that much in person so they have to make up for it on the public front' have crossed my mind a time or two.. but when it comes down to it, when i get that certain future Mr. Callymon on my arm.. you know i'll be showing him off.. probably even more eccentrically.

'Only time will tell'... 'your time will come'... 'give it time..' along with old awkward relatives praying that you don't die alone while setting you up with awkward sons of families they grew up with... all become part of a broken record.
You turn 21 and your grandma basically throws you a relationship funeral because 'when she was your age she was not only engaged... she had 3 other boys trying to win her back before she said i do'.
Everyone's been dated.. there's nothing shiny and new anymore.. dull and bronzing silver seems to be all thats left with nothing to do other than dig out your old roster of ex's and go through them one by one.. trying to see if you missed a diamond in the rough.

My friend Melony, who dates more than a calendar, has literally pulled out the laundry list.. determined to put closure to her love past.. finally get over love that ended too soon.. and get under the radar by revisiting her boys that refuse to 'kiss and tell'. All is well.. if you measure success by the traffic in front of your lemonade stand. But Melony is sick of dating.. sick of the games.. and sick of not being able to seriously consider the pinterest board she has dedicated to her future wedding. She wants the fairy tale in her mind to become a reality dang it!

My friend Audry just got out of, what she called 'a practice relationship'. She wanted a boyfriend.. this kid, Scott, was 'cute enough'.. she enjoyed being in a relationship.. the 3 months that it lasted.. and then Scott did something stupid.. and Audry never talked to him again.
Her theory was that she was 'practicing' being in a relationship so that when the real thing came along.. she'd be better at it! She liked the kid.. enough.. made him fall in love with her.. realized that she was about to break his heart.. or get suckered into marrying him.. and aborted her mission. She did the 'boyfriend' thing.. just for the sake of having a boyfriend.. and reported fully that it was dumb. pointless. and only made her more lonely and more eager to find the right dude..

Her time will come... their time will come... time.. time.. time..
Well hey. guess what... its 2012. the time is now. its time to take your dating life out of the hands of destiny and into your balled up angry little single hands.

In the movie "The Wedding Date" Nick says that every woman has the exact love life she wants. To which Kat (the movie's heroine) replies 'you think i want to be single and miserable?!'... "yes" nick replies calmly, "when you're ready to be un-single and un-miserable.. you will be".

So. no more blaming time. It's TIME to get over the ex's and throw the dirty roster out the window.. it's TIME to be sick of being the awkward 5th wheel.. sick of justifying late night bootycalls, convincing yourself that beautiful relationships come out of hookup buddies cuz that one guy you made out with that one time married the next chick he was 'just hooking up with'.. it's time to stop having the 'what's wrong with me' talks with your roommates... and take control of the feelings you get every time you're interrogated by your mom after a date asking if she's every gonna get grand babies.

A little over a week ago, everyone sat down and made ridiculous resolutions that will most likely be procrastinated to the point of making next years lists as well..
-lose 400 pounds
-go skydiving
-read the encyclopedia
-win an olympic medal.
-call and text people back.. even when they're ugly.

How bout making one that will actually be achievable.. last.. and change you for the rest of the new years to come...?

It's 2012.. it's time for a makeover.
It's time to make this the year that something beautiful happens in your life... not just in your love life.. but we're about to make your over all world a better place for you to live in.

The thing about life is that everything in one life is connected, so, by fixing things in one area.. you fix things in other areas at the same time.
I'm convinced that all the single and miserable people in the world.. if they didn't change one thing about themselves... would end up single and miserable again sometime in their lives because of divorce or heartbreak. When dealing with a life makeover.. you have to start with square one... yourself.

There's the obvious ways to make yourself better.. like join a gym.. get a sassy new hair cut.. and look up blake lively on pinterest and copy and paste every look into your life.. read more.. swear less.. change the world one pair of toms at a time..

But i have a slightly different take on it for you to consider..


Coal is nothing special.
Kids are threatened that they will get it from santa when they misbehave their parents. It's the best part of the fire when trying to roast marshmallows perfectly golden brown. It heats.. and makes a mess.
Pressure is the same.
It fills balloons, makes teenagers do things they later regret, keeps tires moving, and hands clasped tightly together in scary movies. Nothing special.
In extraordinary circumstances.. coal.. and/or pressure could rise above these set predetermined constraints and levels of excellence.. but for the most part.. separate.. you're not left in any kind of awe. Are they needed? ya. but you're not baffled by either one.

But when combined.. you get a rock that symbolizes love.. that people pay obscene amounts of money for. When combined you get a whole that's way more than the sum of it's parts... You get a diamond.

i was watching a movie over the holidays that talked about this very thing... about the "whole picture and/or person" being more or less than the sum of its parts... I was seriously taken back and sent into a blog-worthy stupor of thought while the protagonist went through the people she had known all her life and decided if they were more or less than the sum of their parts..
While she rambled on about boys with sparkling eyes that suddenly became over rated...
i took a gander into my own life..

Am i more than a girl with this flaw.. that going for me.. and this set of over priced extensions? When all my valuable traits are added and then gross tweaks and corky twerks are subtracted.. does the sum equal who i am? Is an accurate description of me what i do.. how i dress.. who i spend my time with.. and how i look?

Is it wrong to want to make your number higher? to strive to have more things to add than to subtract? absolutely not! Do that! Make a list of everything you can do in your life to make yourself more shiny.. and closer to the 'hard 10' line..
But while you invest in colored contacts and p90x.. lets buy stock in something that will be worth what we put into it.. Our overall 'wholeness'.

Talk less.. think more.
Worry about making someone else's day.. legitimately bringing light into their life.
Be real. Leave all superficialness and fakeness at the 2011 door and promise yourself that you are going to be YOU... all the time. cuz no one will fall in love with you.. if you're not you.. Think about it... if likes attract... and you're being toolish in your fakeness and miserable attitude... you're bound to end up with a tool anyway.. and who wants that!? NO ONE.
Gossip less. Focus on what you want to be happening in your own life.. other than whats happening in the lives of others.
Quit judging people.. their business is their business. Everyone has struggles, and each struggle is as individual as the person with them.

Focus less on being single and miserable... and more on being the single most important thing in someone else's life.
Distract your single self with becoming whole... and soon you'll trip and fall in love with someone who's less of an a-hole... and more of a 'whole' thats even more than the sum of his parts.

Fall in love with the kind of person you choose to become.. cuz guys... this year... THIS time..... this is OUR time.
Make 2012 a year to remember..be someone meaningful and you're bound to find something meaningful soon!
Cheers!

Until Later
xoxo
-Callymon

..Love Letters..

Dear Cute boy in Chem,
Join a 'married' class. this one is for single people ONLY. duh!
and yes, the second time you asked me for a pen... you were flirting with me... im not the only one that has taken sneaking the words 'my wife' in there as a joke!
love,
Wear a ring.


Dear Boyfriend 85 miles away,
Our relationship is getting expensive.. and i will NOT ride tracks.. the bus.. or any other public transportation method that i've seen someone in a movie get raped on.
Love,
I'm dating via skype.

Dear Professor Anal much,
You lost me the second you said 'this wont be on the final but..'
im not learning anthro for kicks and giggles..
Love,
going back to sleep




Dear Ho trying to steal my future husband,
Apparently you haven't seen the notebook... let me clue you in... i win.
love,
its cute that you're trying.






Dear creeper at the library,
yes i'm watching you stalk me on facebook as we speak. i'm scared for my life.
love,
give a glance around before choosing a target.


Dear awkward couple walking with their arms around each other,
i dont care how much you love each other.. that just looks uncomfortable. stop it. hold hands like normal people.
love,
you're making winning 'awkward couple bingo' waaay too easy for me.


Dear Provo All Star on campus,
When answering the question 'what are you studying'.. don't admit that you've graduated.. it makes you look like a sex offender.
love,
what the heck are you doing here then


Dear lady with a swan on her head,
as much as i love Kate Middleton... the hat thing.. doesnt work for you.
love,
it looks like something died on your hair








Dear Cute Boy next door,
We both know you're falling in love with me. Just go with it.
the money we would save on gas alone is enough to make you my BF.
love,
you cant buy that kind of convenience


Dear testing center homie,
i dont care that i have dark hair in my student ID. For $80 you could too.
love,
identity theft to take a written final is highly unlikely


Dear walk-of-shame-girl,
next time you sleep at your bf's house.. take sweats... and flip-flops.
nobody wears those lady gaga shoes to get the mail..
love,
you're not fooling anyone

Dear Confused Chick,
Just because you put Ugg boots with booty shorts doesn't mean you are dressed for winter.
love,
Pick a season.. you look like a moron

Dear Boy texting,
read before sending. You sound like you dont speak english.
love,
the grammar police


Enjoy Finals!

xoxo
-Callymon

..Play for Keeps..

I learned at a very young age that the phrase, "It doesn't matter if you win or lose... it's how you play the game".. was obviously a phrase for losers.
A younger me stood on a painted line in over-grown grass. New tennis shoes on, hair slicked back.. i meant business. To my right was the boy i had beat a thousand times in the races on the playground.. to my left were the older.. faster 4th grade boy and girl.. not even registering the sassy little blonde girl determined to kick.their.BUTTS. in the next 2 minutes.
The 50 yard dash was a field day favorite.. a favorite that i had been training for since i was like..BORN. The first 2 races that day.. i had smoked. the other girls in the 3rd grade weren't all that fast.. and the boys.. well.. they were now trying to recruit me to their little league football teams. I thought i was pretty hot stuff... but i had to stay focused. I still had the 3rd grade/ 4th grade champion race to go.. the euphoria was stirring in my blood.. i was already on the 'winners high'.. i needed this.
The whistle blew and off we flew.. sprinting as fast as our little legs would take us. Half way there.. i almost fell behind.. but i dug and DUG my shoes into that grass pushing farther.. FASTER.. i could not.. WOULD NOT.. let that 4th grade sissy take my blue plastic ribbon with the gold star on it. The streamer indicated finish line.. held on both ends by teachers i never liked but always sucked up to.. never left my sight. I burned holes in it with my mind.. inching towards it.. giving the race of my life one last push..
The winner's high was going nowhere fast. My new tennis shoes proved their worth.. and my slicked back hair served it's aerodynamic purpose. I won!!
I knew from there on out that.. if you're not first.. you're last. This was a feeling i liked, and was determined to never let go of.

When i got to 9th grade, a new race started... His name was Ryan.
Ryan was one of those boys that had just had the best summer of his life.. he had gained 20 pounds.. grown 3 inches.. and switched schools from the rival middle school down the street. He was hot (well sort of) he was mysterious (well.. not really).. but more importantly.. he was wanted. yaaaaa to be completely honest.. i didn't think he was that great.. until that one thing was made very clear... that every girl in the 9th grade wanted him to be their boyfriend.
so.. the 9th grade version of me stood on a painted line in a crowded hallway. He was the blue ribbon.. so. naturally.. i had to have him. i put a new kind of battle shoe on.. again, strategically placing my hair so it would most benefit me in my quest.. obviously in the closest resemblance to Blake Lively that i could come up with..slapped some juicy-tube lip gloss on.. and made good use of the swing in my backyard.
I was gonna do everything necessary.. i was prepared to train hard. I sat with him at lunch.. i flirted with him in Math.. I sank my claws into him.. and he followed pursuit.
Within 2 weeks we had kissed.. and at the 3 week mark he asked me to ... drum roll please... be his girlfriend. After 4 days of being his girlfriend.. the ecstasy of winning wore off.. i got tired of him.. and moved on. The race was won.. the ribbon was duly noted.. i could now get on with my life.. and go searching for a new challenge.

Obviously it matters if you win or lose.. or nobody would keep score!
Can you imagine watching a game.. with one of these losing mentality individuals.. cough.. losers..cough --- woah sorry i have a cold.
"whose winning?"
"i have no idea! but look at the athleticism! they're all just trying so hard.."
"what's the score?"
"what's keeping score?? i just like guys in tight pants hitting each other!"

Good. Better. Best.. Even in individual sports progress is tracked.. and limits are challenged.
You set a point and set out to accomplish something further than that bar set for that feeling of crossing the finish line.. for that euphoric high that you get from scoring and proving the greatness you have worked hard for..

Winning is an EMOTION.
Or rather.. something that brings forth great emotion and/or has a great effect on our emotional state.
LOSING does the same thing.
Have you ever seen a guy after he loses a big game? it's like watching chicks watch A Walk To Remember..
Sadness.. rage.. depression.. every dark emotion that the Hulk side of them inhibits comes out.

When it comes to Love.. the same emotions are brought out.. the utmost joy and the darkest pain.. and seeing how you're dealing with the same set of emotions (your own).. it would be only natural to confuse different things.. when they cause the same result.

We play games in love.. because we like to keep score..
If someone is running from us.. we chase them.
If someone is running after us.. we keep the home court advantage.. and use the upper hand to rack up our points in the love game.

If we're with someone.. or suuuuper causally dating someone.. that we're not even really into.. and we walk away from them.. its whatever. 'another one bites the dust'.. and we move on.
but if they walk away from us...? even if we were PLANNING on breaking up with them the next day...all the sudden we liked them A WHOLE LOT more than we reaallly did. and we rack our brains with thoughts of 'why wasn't i good enough'.. 'why didn't he love me?!' and our 'i have to win' sense kicks in.
all the sudden this person is running away from you.. so naturally you're gonna run after them.

So if winning and falling in love can be so easily confused.. or even thought of as the same thing.. losing and losing someone you love or care about.. or what we describe as true heartbreak could be just as easily confused.

There's obviously 2 sides to this.. so lets address the first:

Winning at a losing game -

This emotional need and intensified state that winning gives each of us is the very fuel to the fire of the games we feel we need to play in love.. or what we like to pretend is love.
Playing games and keeping score of who has the upper hand.. who calls who first.. purposely provoked jealousy.. all dumb tactics proven successful by venting girls and willing to divulge guy friends.. are all examples of people playing with people's general need to 'win'.

My friend Nikki dated this boy Justin for a few months at a time.. over.. and over.. and over.. every time ending in her quickly fading out.. failing to return phone calls.. and popping back out on the scene with a new boyfriend.
They would never get serious enough for him to feel like he had real ground to hate her.. and it kept their relationship at almost a 'friend-zone' level.. a friend-zone that would cross into the 'old-married-couple' state every time they were with each other.
Don't get me wrong.. she liked Justin. She wasn't purposely stringing him along.. or trying to hurt him.. she just had other boys higher on her priority list that she "needed to date".. and when she wasn't dating them.. Justin always would pop back up!
She loved him as a person.. they always had fun together.. and he seemed to be dating other people in their off time too.. so no harm done right..?
She would date some douche bag.. find herself heartbroken.. and Justin would wander back.. her knight in shining armor keeping her from the dreaded loneliness she feared.

When Nikki got in.. what she thought was the relationship of her life.. wedding bells.. cake testing.. and an eccentric wedding board on pinterest.. she thought she had shut Justin out for good.. only to find.. a couple months down the road.. more heart broken than ever.

While she waited for the phone call she always got... she found out that Justin had also moved on.. but this time.. He wasn't coming back to be her shoulder to cry on..
She strategically showed up every place he was.. determined to get the dirt on whatever he was up to.
Seeing Justin with someone else triggered her competitive drive.. and she was determined to have him back at her feet.

Nikki... before you do anything stupid.. STOP. and listen. and think.

Justin is finally happy.. breaking up what he has JUST so that you can win because someone you so easily walked away from.. is now walking away from you.. will only prove to be destructive.
Yes.. stories like this do sometimes have happy endings of you finally realizing what you had and blah blah blah.. but that's the exception. You will most likely get him back to only realize that you knew what you were doing when you weren’t hanging on to him for dear life before.. You had your chance several times.. Let him be happy.
Don't let the joy you see in his eyes spark some jealous fire that only winning with truly extinguish. Let's take the mature.. high road here sis..
Let him go. If it's supposed to happen it will..

Evaluate your emotions.
When it comes to a relationship.. you need to at least date long enough to the point where you're no longer in the 'game' stage.. because until then.. you're just glad that you finally WON. and this feeling of WINNING is different than loving someone.
Yes.. bask in your victory of finally landing the girl that ran from you for a couple months or weeks or all through high school or whatever.
But before you make long term decisions.. let the winning wear off. and let the love and getting to know the prize you've won kick in.


Now the dark side of the 2 faced coin...
losing.

Ever think that losing is the real emotion you're feeling? not true heartache? This could be a great wake up call for some of you convincing yourselves that you're depressed over a relationship that ended a different way than you planned..

My friend Samantha dated this boy Neal all through high school. He was her first love.. and her first heartbreak.
As many of the cases of young love do.. Sam and Neal ended by him all of the sudden deciding that they were done.. or at least for now. After dating 2 years he, without warning, called her on the phone one night and shattered her heart.. claiming that he needed to be single right now.. but he knew they would be together again someday. Sam was heartbroken.. and completely shocked.. along with ashamed.. embarrassed.. and uh duh... she lost.
She was blindsided. She had offered no protection for her now shattered heart that laid on her floor. She never saw it coming.. and now.. she was determined to never let it happen again.
You can fill the middle of the story with your own imagined thoughts of a girl getting all tough and mighty slaying the heartbreakers everywhere..
But now we come to the 'someday' that Neal promised.
Neal came back years later in full force.. determined to claim his prize that he worked so hard for back in the day..
They tried it out for a while.. only to end with them walking away from each other.. They found out that together.. they weren't all that great after all.. and Sam saw that she really didn't want to be with Neal anyway.
A year after they broke up.. Neal started dating a girl they went to high school with.. Charlotte. and the happiness was something everyone could see...

Sam was crushed. Her thoughts completely turned to the losing mentality of 'why wasn't i enough..' and 'what does she have that i don't!?!?'.
She hadn't cared until someone else was in the picture... He was now walking away from her again.. in the fact that he had moved on.
She wanted to WIN DANG IT! She wanted to be the one crushing him.. or the one that ended up with him... the EXACT reason for her reinstated interest she was unsure.. but all she knew is.. he wasn't supposed to be with CHARLOTTE.. he was supposed to be with HER! He was supposed to want HER!! She was supposed to be the one happy here!
All the heartbroken feelings from high school returned.
Until she realized..
It wasn't losing NEAL and the heartbreak that she thought came along with that that drove her into her own imagined depression.. it was losing.
It wasn't love that kept her by her phone waiting for him to call... it was that she wanted to be right... she wanted to have the upper hand of happiness again.
She wanted to be wanted.. so that she could be the one not wanting him back.

In love.. you win some you lose some.. and round and round it goes..
But don't let your love of winning.. or anguish from losing.. keep you from or confused about your real emotional connections with people.
Don't play for wins or play for losing.. play for keeps.. and you'll never care to lose something or someone that was never intended to be yours.. and you'll win the only game and prize that ever truly mattered.. True love and happiness.

Until Later
xoxo
-Callymon

No Big Deal Just Clean it Up

A younger version of me sat at a fancy restaurant with my family. As we were one of two exceptions to the couples on romantic dates in the restaurant we drew a little bit of attention. My brother and sisters and I practiced our perfect table manners our parents took such pride in grilling into our heads, loving the 'may i pleases' and 'thank yous'.. millions of forks.. and waitresses dressed like a million dollars. We loved the ladies in their diamonds and the men in their best suits.. the older couples looking like comfortable old pros calling their favorite waiters by name.. the younger ones with nervous looks on their faces.. awaiting the doom of having to pronounce the chef's special of the night in front of a date they promised that they spoke fluent french.
After the initial shock of kids walking into this pish-posh place wore off.. those around us saw that we weren't there to cause dennis-the-mennace worthy chaos.. and all but forgot we were there. That is, until yours truly.. with my 7 year old short arms of destruction.. reached across the table to grab a roll.. knocking over my root beer and water, spilling brown stains all over the perfect white table cloth.
Silence filled the restaurant as all eyes turned to my parents.
Each couple slowly imagined a different fate for this poor little girl with still so much life to live... would my dad whip out the belt right here just to show his respect for the posh-level of where we were?! ... would i be forced to sit in the car..? Would they have me wash dishes.. or at least table clothes until my hands were to wrinkly to move?! .. i could even see one old man screaming 'run child.. run!!' in his eyes.
They watched and waited.. hearts beating in their ears.. while my dad, without skipping a beat, turned to me and said, 'McCall... what do we say when we spill..?'
With a care-free expression.. that should've been a dead giveaway to the punishment awaiting.. i looked up at my dad with big happy eyes.. giggled a little bit.. and said 'no big deal just clean it up!'
As a child i learned that if something was broken.. you fix it. 'No big deal just clean it up!' .. and move on. You don't fester about it... you don't let it build in your mind until it consumes you.. you don't pull the belt out and scar you and the transgressor to make sure the mistakes are remembered.. you clean it up.. and let it go.

Somewhere in my young adulthood this idea got distorted.
'No big deal just clean it up!'.. became.. 'WHAT!!!!! you're KIDDING?!... what have i DONE!??!.. ahhh!! the world is gonna end as we know it!!!!! hide ya wife.. hide ya kids.. im gonna DIE!!" then clean it up and yet still think... "can you see that nonexistent stain? ew cuz i can.. even the memory of that disgusting root beer stain makes me cringe.. ARE YOU STARING AT THAT SPOT?! eew.. you're totally judging me for spilling that root beer.. oh you can't see it..? ITS RIGHT THERE!!!"
Every mistake in the younger years was almost immediately forgotten.. and most of the time not even brain-logged as a mistake.. they were just events that happened throughout my day or my life that didn't get more brain space or worry than they deserved. Every mistake in the latter years became some earth shattering experience to journal about... something to make sure i remembered so as to NEVER DO IT AGAIN.. something to learn from.. something to tattoo on my forehead.. worry about.. fester over.. and consume my every thought until the next mistake was made.

Mistakes.. misfortune... heartache.. loss.. all things we once had learned to clean up and move on from.. have become the things that consume us.. control us.. break us.. and make us the people we are today.
Is it a bad thing? Not necessarily.. people really do and should learn from mistakes and heartache.. the breaking down is definitely character building and all that jazz.. but Is it a choice? Yes. and i think we've chosen wrong.

You can learn the same lesson from acknowledging and moving on as you can from shattering your world.. altering your universe.. slitting your wrists.. and hiding in a hole until you run out of blood to bleed and tears to cry.
I think people think that in order to make something worth the time you put into it.. it has to have a huge dramatic ending. That if you don't mourn the loss of the boy that just broke your heart then you didn't care enough... that input equals output. The more you put in.. the harder and longer it's gonna take you to get over it. Then.. if you do get over it.. and you don't feel like it was an adequate enough amount of time.. you drag it on.. putting yourself through more misery until you feel like you were sad enough for long enough.. that you've earned the right to move on.
People think that it's the sad.. bad.. depressing.. and miserable moments in their lives that make them great. The 'rise above syndrome'. And because of this thought process they believe that the sadness deserves the most attention because it's the most beneficial to their greatness in the end. that's retarded.

No big deal... just clean it up.
No I'm not a robot that's like.. man up! rub some dirt in it! heartbreak isnt that bad!!
duh. you've read my blog for how long now? you know im pro-pity-party. i know heartbreak sucks.
but take exactly the time you need to get over it.. and then remove it from your life. don't self sabotage. don't compare every boy and every relationship to the tragic one you just got out of.. you'll never allow yourself to be happy! you'll be so stuck in the past that nothing in the present will seem good enough.
By carrying the mess and baggage from the past.. you're not giving your current relationships even a fair chance.. cuz you now will associate the bad from the last relationship.. along with the sadness.. to your current state of mind with the new people in your life.

My friend Elizabeth went through her very own 'break up of her life' recently. The ones that you'll never forget.. the one that everyone has at least 1 of.. that consumes your entire existence. After mourning for almost 3 months.. she felt like she was truly over it and she started dating again. With every new boy she became interested in.. she felt guilty for being so happy.. she would stop herself in her tracks... have an anti-social-chick-flick-night and drown her sorrows in taylor swift songs and nutella.
She would bring up all the sadness of her last broken heart episode.. talk about expecting the worse... and then come to the conclusion that she 'just wasn’t happy with this new boy'.. that she 'found herself just like... sad.. all the time.. and that's not a good sign'.
Uh... duh you dipflip. you THINK you're sad all the time.. therefore... YOU'RE SAD ALL THE TIME!!! clean it up.. and MOVE ON.
You are sabotaging any chance of any and every new relationship that comes into your life. you've mourned.. you've dealt. if you're not over it.. then take more time to cleanse it out of your system.. if you are.. then BE over it.. don't keep coming back to it!
You don't have to KEEP learning from that mistake of a boy.. you've learned.. you've logged it.. now put it in the archives and live your life.

There's always gonna be heartache... there's always gonna be pain... hey. we're human. it comes with the territory.. But choosing to make it simply another part of your life as opposed to the very experiences and emotions that will break us.. mold us... and make us into soldiers.. will serve each of us greatly.

Yes. learn from your mistakes.. become better individuals from every experience given to you.. but don't dwell on the negative.. that will get you nowhere and nothing but sadness. It's not 'the sadder you are.. the stronger you are'.. happy people are strong people too!! they may even be stronger for choosing a more productive way to live. It doesn't mean they have less trials.. they just choose to say 'no big deal just clean it up!'.
Be ok with being ok.. and you'll be ok.

Until Later
xoxo
-Callymon

The Dark Knight

The definition of a hypocrite is "a person who pretends to be what he/she is not". So. for something to be hypocritical, it appears as one thing, yet it is really another.

There are righteous hypocrites and wicked hypocrites.. appearing to be something or do something.. but below the surface.. they fake the world out.
The hypocrites that we think about when the word comes to mind are the people that are preaching one thing and practicing another... like the preacher cheating on his wife that stands in front of a congregation preaching morality. The girl who claims she hates gossip in one breath and in the next she can't wait to get a rumor off her chest. The boy who says he'll never commit that walks away from the girl that decides to date other people.
All of them hypocritical in nature and practice. All of them pretending to be something they're not, condemning others for their flaws as they hide behind their smokescreens.

This is where we get phrases like.. "if you love someone let them go.. if they come back they're yours.. if not.. they were never yours to begin with"
Now.. i know in previous blogs i've argued FOR this phrase.. saying that hey.. its bloody true. Sometimes you have to let go and in order to realize the value of what you're holding on to. But today.. i have a different take on it.
Everyone in the single world claims that they hate games... yet we all play them until we're blue in the face. We all pretend to be something that we're not.. hiding our real reasons for doing what we do... lying to the face of love.. claiming to be tougher.. or sometimes weaker.. than we really are in order to get ahead in 'the game'. Hiding vulnerability... faking vulnerability.. putting a mask on to hide the real emotions that could legitimately get us hurt if we revealed them. Everyone plays. Everyone is hypocritical... and everyone whines about it. If everyone that claimed they hated games didn't play them.. the league would be out of business. so. i know you hate games.. so do i. stop playing them or shut up about it.
The thing that i've come to realize is... you wont play chicken with something you truly care about. You wont 'lead someone on' if you actually want to be with them.. you'll just be with them. You wont text someone if you don't wanna talk to them. And if you do.. sooner or later you'll either break down and text them.. or you'll realize the same thing holds true with them.. that they don't wanna talk to you.. or they would be texting you.
Do i think that games are stupid? yes. However, do i feel like they're completely necessary? Absolutely. The length of time that the games consume your relationship.. depends on the relationship.
Games are played until the level of like.. or the level of love.. is mutual. Once you both surrender the upper hand.. once you hit the point that you don't care if you have the 'power of caring less' card in your hand anymore.. and decide that you both actually care if the other walks away.. you both stop threatening to.
Once you want this person to be a part of you.. you stop the hypocritical behavior.. stop pretending to be something that you're not.. and you start being everything that you ARE.

You wouldn't walk away from something if you were truly afraid of losing it. If you cared about it THAT much.. you wouldn't let it out of your sight.
The phrase above only is valid BEFORE the level of love becomes mutual. If the other person cares less about you.. and you're holding on for dear life.. then yes. you need to let them go and allow them the time to realize that they need to come back. and if they don't.... then you never really had them in the first place. You tipped the scale by putting more into the love balance.. and you need to find someone that will put just as much into your relationship as you do.

In the definition of a hypocrite... it doesn't say.. "a person who pretends to be what he is not.. and hurts people because of it"... sometimes the only person the hypocrite hurts is themselves.. The definition leaves it at a person fooling those around them, hiding behind one thing in order to hide another. It never claims that you have to be preaching something good and doing something bad.


It's easy to believe that in a competition driven world that nobody in their right mind would do something if it didn't benefit them in some way. That a true self-less human being is a myth and farce.. and maybe that's true. But what about Robin Hood, Mother Teresa, Ghandi,Bat-Man.. the true Dark Knight, and the 98 Degrees song 'the hardest thing'..? Do people just FORGET about these incredible contributors to society?!

Robin Hood..a thief.. an outlaw... a hunted man that wealthy man fear and powerful men hate. A man that steals from the rich and gives to the poor. A man determined to bring justice to a world that justice overlooks. A man determined to level the playing field a little bit.

Bat Man.. being exactly what the city of Gotham needs. Not exactly a hero.. but exactly that at the same time. Saving the world one guts-out move at a time... doing what others refuse to, in order to get the results that benefit the same people that refuse to act.

Nick bloody Lachey that pretends he doesn't love a woman in order to allow her to get someone better for her than himself.. knowing that she would never walk away from him.. so he leaves her.. ending the best thing that's ever happened to him because he knows she can do better. He knows he cares less.. so he knows he has to walk away.

All of these heroic men wear masks in order to not only make their job easier.. but to make it possible. Giving themselves the responsibility and burden of living a double life.

My friend Susan recently got out of a bad relationship. After being best friends with him for 2 years.. she dated her recent ex boyfriend Nick for 15 months. At the beginning.. he pursued her HARD... he wanted all of these things.. promised her all of those things.. and made it seem like he wasn't going anywhere. He presented her with a perfect 'Lizzie - Gordo' relationship.. that he was gonna love her no matter what.. for however long.. until she felt the same. That he wasn’t.. no matter what happened.. gonna give up.. he loved her.. and would forever.
Suz didn't take it for granted.. sure she dollied around for a month or two.. trying to make the transition in her brain and heart from best friend - to lover.. but by 2 months into it.. she was having a hard time holding the upper-hand card at all. She realized that she cared just as much about Nick as he did about her. and she slowly started to take off her hypocritical mask.. slowly started to stop pretending to be something that she wasn't.. and she let her guard down.
Happily ever after seemed in her near future... her troubles and douche bag ex boyfriends in her wake.. and she allowed herself to be happy. At the 13th month mark... Nick turned the tables on her so fast.. her head is still spinning. First, he claimed that he wanted to be 'less-official'.. saying that they had forever ahead of them.. they didnt need to be in any sort of a rush to be together. Then.. he decided that they probably shouldn't see each other so much.. so that 'they didn't get sick of each other'.
At the end of the month.. after putting her through psychological hell.. He finally told her.. that he liked dating her.. but he never wanted to marry her.. so keeping her at arms length was probably the best thing for both of them. He didnt want her to GO anywhere.. the best friend relationship that they started out with would still benefit them both.. but the title.. and commitment of it all.. seemed a lot less attractive to him now. So at arms length is where he wanted her.. loving her at a distance. He claimed that all along.. he had never wanted to marry her.. he saw a peak of their relationship far before they reached it.. but he kept dating her.. balancing out the mutual love level.. until he saw the scale tip at her wanting a future with him.. and him remembering that he had no such plans with her.
He pretended to be something he wasn't.. truly in love with her.

Now. the story begins.
Suz got out of this relationship about a year ago. having suffered serious psychological trauma.. she took herself out of the scene and out of the game for a while.. After 4 months she decided she needed to force herself to date again.. kind of like the pilot that crashes and immediately gets in a plane.. she figured if she didn't start soon.. she'd be forever scared.. and die alone. (ps.. arms length relationship? ya right. she walked away from that moron) at 5 months she found herself dating one boy, Sean, over and over again. After 3 weeks of spending most of their time together.. they had the mutual.. unwritten.. sort of unspoken.. 'togetherness' about them.. They weren't dating other people... because they didn't have time to with all the time they spent together.
Suz wasn’t in the place where she wanted to be in love again.. she kind of had the screw-love-mentality still.. but she figured after being traumatized and falling so hard.. she needed practice. She needed to practice being with someone else without playing the tough girl she did before Nick came into her love life. She needed practice at vulnerability without running away from someone. She basically needed a stand in boyfriend to help her get over her issues and prepare her for being with someone else.
wellllp. Without even trying.. she found herself in a position where Sean was filling that roll in her life. Did she see herself marrying the kid? no. Did she see herself even seriously dating the dude? psh.. nahh. but he was fun.. he took her on lots of great dates.. and he was letting her practice being in love.. without actually caring.

Wellllll... first off.. Suz is a stone cold fox.. and second.. while she 'wasn't caring'.. she was being completely herself. And the combination of the two.. had Sean falling all over himself. The more time he spent with Suz.. the more he fell in love with her. They never really talked about their relationship and where they stood.. but he figured that it was building from both ends.. and would soon meet in the middle.. with the scale balanced.. and them in completely in love.
After 2 months of spending every day together.. Sean decided to test the 'mutual-love-waters'.. and bring up them being together...
'do you like me?' and 'do you see us like.. ya know.. being together' were the questions that filled Suz's texting inbox, as Sean, first off.. wasn't 'boyfriend material' in Suz's eyes partly contributed by the fact that he loved having these conversations via text messages.. and second, wasn't ready to hear the answers in person.
Suz.. in her practice mindset answered 'yes' cuz.. first off.. she did like Sean.. he was great! they had a lot of fun! and.. technically.. she would have to be closing her eyes for most her life to not 'see' them together.. so she figured.. what the heck.. sure.

over the next little bit.. Suz had Deja vu of a relationship not erased from her memory yet.. a relationship where.. one person had no interest in actually BEING with the other person.. yet led them on to believe that they did because they genuinely enjoyed spending time with that person. She also remembered the outcome of the relationship and the pain that came from the reality of the situation.. even though the honesty should've been refreshing.. that the enjoyment factor.. and the casual nature should've been no big deal... there was a lot of hurt when the scale tipped.

Suz.. not wanting to be a hypocrite, pretending to be something she wasn't, any longer.. decided that she needed to walk away. The hard thing was.. there was no reason to walk away from Sean.. she was having fun! She was enjoying herself! Yet.. she saw that too-familiar look in his eye.. and she knew that the scale had tipped, and she had no intention of balancing it out.
Suz became the Dark Knight.. the Robin Hood.. giving up her own happiness for the overall goodness and happiness of the situation. She walked away in order to save a heartache she knew too well. And she really did hurt because of it. She now understood why Nick wanted to keep her at arms length.. cuz that's exactly where she wanted Sean. But she wasn't about to ask him to stay there.

There is good.. and there is bad.. There is hurt.. and there is joy.
The world is pretty black and white. Overall happiness.. although is hard to see at times.. is what's important in the end. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your own happiness in order to give someone what they deserve.. someone to balance out their own scale. Sometimes as fun as it is to have someone obsessed with you.. you need to find someone you're just as obsessed with. Being a hypocrite doesn't always mean that you're doing something hurtful intentionally.. But a lot of heartache and pain would be prevented if we never pretended to be something we weren't. Don't pretend to care more than you do.. it is just as bad as pretending to care less than you do. Both instances lead you to places you don't wanna be. By wearing a mask.. you'll never get the right shade of make up. By pretending.. faking people out.. and putting on a hypocritical show.. you'll never get what you want.. and what you deserve.
So. Dark Knight or not.. take off the mask. Go to the places you never thought YOU would go.. before vowing to go to the places no man has. Allow yourself to be in love.. and when you're not.. be ok with walking away from it in order to let someone else find their own happy ending. Stop the hypocrisy and find the person that's right for YOU.. as opposed to the person that's right for who you're pretending to be.

Until Later xox
-Callymon

. . The 6th Sense . .

Every date we go on... every new potential lover we meet.. every crazy friend with a crazy set up idea you know you're gonna be forced to go on at the end of the day... all wanna know one question..
"so... what are you looking for in the opposite sex?"
To this question we have many answers.. all of which we believe to be true.
If you're talking to your best friend from high school that you, side by side filled the shallower end of your roster with . your answer usually goes something like... attractive.. sexy.. ryan gosling-like.. hot friends.. has swag.. drives a range rover.. all that good stuff.
When talking to someone on a date.. if you like them.. or could see yourself liking them.. your answers usually cater to their physical appearance.. occupation.. and what you know about their thoughts and feelings on things.
"weird... that's what you're looking for? well honey.. here i am!!!"
we all wanna be loved.. our brain takes the easier route by telling ourselves.. and the person we're with that.. "we must be DESTINED to be together! look at that.. you have EVERYTHING i'm looking for!"
If you're on a date with someone that has turned sour.. or that you never want to go out with again... you make your list IMPOSSIBLE to meet.
"oh ya know... some form of professional athlete.. in the peace core.. loves back packing.. has his massage therapist license... in culinary school.. loves to clean.. is a professional nanny in his spare time.. single handedly solved world hunger.. just simple things like that.... "
If you're on the rebound.. you want someone to make you feel less lonely.. more important.
If you're not even close to wanting to talk about marriage.. or avoiding it like the plague.. you're just looking for someone you can have a good time with..

We ask... we get asked... and we answer. But when no one else is watching... no one is asking.. and you finally realize that it's not who has the most impressive.. or hardest list to meet.. it's not a competition to see who can be the hardest person to be with.. When we sit down on a thursday night with the lights off.. alone.. contemplating the wonders of the universe and actually ask ourselves... what am i looking for in someone? How do we answer the only person that matters and the only person we can't lie to? What gets added to our list then? what gets removed??

I've said before that everyone that you date has a purpose at that given time in your life... but is that enough?
We're at the point in our lives that we're supposed to choose someone that we can spend the rest of forever with... how on EARTH are we supposed to make THAT decision?!

My friend Candice is one of those self-sabotaging types. She doesn't like to let herself be happy.. because she doesnt' want to get comfortable in something or someone that wont last.
Happiness is a scary word to her.
What if love is blind? What if her loneliness makes her make decisions that will matter more in the future than they do at the time she makes them? What if she mistakes substance for love?

On my couch a couple nights ago.. candice started venting about her current situation:
Candice loved this boy named Chris for almost 2 years. He was perfect on paper.. with her parents.. they liked to have the same kind of fun.. could talk about anything spiritual without having that uncomfortable 'dont wanna offend someone' vibe.. He fit perfectly into her life.
But. when the 'non-stagnant-relationship-movement' (see previous blog) took its toll on their relationship.. he decided that he no longer wanted to be with candice. That he loved her.. but forever was a long time.. and there were things (that he wouldn't mention) that he just couldn't live with forever.
As you can imagine.. Candice was crushed. She made the vow that many girls do... to never get hurt like that again.. and by doing so took herself out of the dating game for almost a full year.
Now... a couple months ago.. hot little candice decided to grace us all with her presence.. and boyyyyyyy was she on fiiiireeeeee.
For 3 1/2 weeks she was on a date with a different guy every single night. (i mean really? who goes out on a tuesday?.. oh ya.. candice.) It was disgusting how dialed in she was! Then one day.. she decided that she wanted something more stable than that. She wanted a boyfriend.
So.. she picked one of the boys she had gone out with and decided that he was now gonna be her boyfriend. (if only life were that easy for everyone... haaate her.)
John... the lucky winner of Candice's attention and love for the moment.. and Candice started hanging out more and more.. going out more and more.. Candice would turn down other date options.. and john kept asking. It was exactly how she had imagined it. The all dreaded loneliness that girls stay up late and cry about with their friends while snuggling in bed together.. was gone. The void.. filled. Everything was going great.

Now. we get to a couple nights ago on my couch...
Before Candice realized it... 5 months had gone by. Were they fun? absolutely! Was she lonely? Not at all. Was john the perfect date? over and over again.
But when you live in a state where everyone thinks the ship is goin down and you gotta grab someone and get off... marriage is bound to cross your mind after that long.. or at least get brought up in every single conversation you have - casual or not.
Candice said they hadn't even become official yet but it was right around the corner and she was gonna need to make some decisions in the next little bit about actually wanting to be with john or not..

Could she see herself marrying him? It wasn't even about that when they started hanging out! She couldn't even answer that question..
She was lonely.. he was there. and not just there... he was wonderful! But marriage? forever? Thats a long - A time! It wasn't that he was a filler... but he was doing just that.. occupying her mind and her heart... wasn't that enough for right now?
So. I calmed her down... put another scoop of creme brule ice cream in her now blabbering mouth.. and asked her the question....
What are you looking for in the man of your dreams? What are you looking for in your happily ever after? What does your future require for you to be constantly happy? Can john give you those things?

our once list of.. 'sexy abs' and 'man handling capabilities' all the sudden took a different turn.
We became CSI relationship.. dissecting every possibility and need for each others futures.

How did we want our children to be raised? How did John grow up? Would he understand the same things that Candice had been raised on?
What would happen when they fought? was this lonely void that he filled enough to keep them going when they hated each other?
Were the things that were important to Candice important to John?


Then we got to the next layer...
If the answer to any of these questions was no... did that mean that they needed to break up? Was there a time line she needed to follow before worrying about leading him on too much about forever?
People date for a long time... but isn't the ultimate goal marriage? and if she didn't see it going there now... would she? was she just scared? did she have any reason to break up with him?

What do you do when you feel like its give or let go but there's no reason to do either? When you feel like the pressure is on to make 'smart relationship decisions' but you don't feel like you're in an adequate place to make ANY decisions?
At what point can you not get away with 'just going with it'?

Let me give you the same advice i gave her...


You're the only one that truly knows yourself. People can live around you.. observe you.. and claim to know you.. but none of them are you.
Because you know yourself so well... subconsciously you would never let yourself get in a situation that would sacrifice your happiness. You date people that you're attracted to..
Yes we all go through 'phases' of crazy rock star boyfriends and guys that we don't see ourselves with past next tuesday... but we also recognize them as phases... even if we claim we could spend forever with them.. we know what’s up.
People that we actually date and actually love... the ones that make us throw our lists out the window.. are the ones that matter. if they don't meet 'future president' or 'cardiologist with a summer home in france' mold.. don't kick em to the curb quite yet.
Think of the list that is deeeeep inside you... not the one you want your mom to be impressed by... not the one that you've compiled with your friends on their couches late at night..
YOU are the only one that has to live with YOUR ending..
YOU are the one that marries the love of YOUR life.. so YOU have to follow your own heart.
If you are yourself with someone.. they accept you for you.. and you are having a great time... ride the wave that you've been given. With your own future comes your own time line.. no matter where you live.. or who's pushing what fate on you.
You're allowed to call your own shots.

Love is a 6th sense.
It will never lead you astray. You need to learn to trust your own instincts that have brought you into the relationship you find yourself in. Something about it was attractive to YOUR heart and subconsciously to YOUR future.. don't let what others think interfere or make you go into a panic mode full of time-lines and agendas.

Allow yourself to be happy. Not everything lasts forever.. and thats ok!! because someday.. something will! you don't need to worry about today being that someday!

And finally... don't date people that you couldn't marry.. If you have a list of what's truly important to you.. and they don't meet those points... don't start.
If they're missing the dumb stuff.. you aren't perfect and your list could change.. but never drop your priorities in love and your future for a weak or rebellious moment. It's as simple as that. there are a lot of people in the world.. its just as easy to fall in love with the right kind of person as the wrong kind of person.
If you feel like you're picking between love and eternal happiness... uh. you're retarded. if it doesn't make you happy.. its not love. and if it does.. and you're still questioning it.. maybe you're putting too much emphasis on the wrong things.. maybe you're too caught up in the rehearsed list you've given for so long. Or maybe you're filling a lonely void that you need to be ok with letting go.
Get back to listening to yourself. Follow the 6th sense that you've been given..
Follow your heart.. you're bound to have an adventure.. and your own kind of happy ending.


Until Later!
xoxo
-Callymon

The New Girl

You are a story. You are an author in charge of writing your own adventure.. your own happy ending.
You are a chain of events.. a never ending web of good and bad shooting in all directions.
Every thing you do.. every person you meet.. you influence something and someone.
Every move you make has an impact somewhere in the world on someone's life.
You are in a human orbit.

Have you ever thought of how much you affect the world around you? WIth each decision you make do you think to yourself.. wow. i really made that persons day.. or dang.. i was in a bad enough mood to send seismic waves into the hearts of those homies..
Every attitude. Every word. Every fleck of gold left out of your eyes is influencing those searching for something happier and better.. and depriving the world of the goodness you could bring to it.


When i was a little girl i developed this fantasy in my head that i've carried with me until recently. Every year at the beginning of school i would dream of moving to a new school.. new neighborhood.. new state.. somewhere where nobody knew who i was.. what i did.. or anything about me. The new girl that got to reinvent herself over and over and over again.. deciding who she was.. not letting the world around me do it for her. The girl that got to place herself strategically in the orbits of others.. influencing them precisely how i planned..
I wanted to be the new meat all the boys wanted to talk to.. the girl that all the girls wanted to play with at recess.. the new girl that was so mysterious that wild and crazy rumors about what my real favorite color was.. and if my dad was really an astronaut would be spread about.. at least the first couple months of school until the 'newness' wore off.

It wasn't that i didn't like the 'old' me.. i was never trying to run away from some outrageous 5th grade past of being the pencil outlaw or the drinking fountain hog... i never failed nap time.. i didn't need my record wiped clean. i just liked change. i saw how fun it would be to be the madonna of my time.. and constantly mold people's opinion of me.

As i got older.. this record became a little dimmer.. a little dirtier.. and the new girl fantasy became more and more attractive. Little mistakes here... bad habits picked up there... nothing serious.. but enough to put dust in my orbit. Enough to make me not the person that i would want people to remember me as.

I recently decided that i didn't like where i was in my life.. sad songs were all that came out of my head.. negative thoughts.. anti-social-ness.. i mean ok. no i wasn't depressed.. i just felt less shiny. Every area of my life was just going through the motions. day after day.. week after week.. waiting for the world to change around me so that i would be happier.. more satisfied.. less single.. healthier.. smarter.. anything.
I felt like there was so much to do that i didn't want to do any of it! the mere thought of the changes that i wanted to make were paralyzing!! so.. i did nothing. and then i did MORE nothing.. until nothing.. was kinda all i did.

Trying to change while the world around you stays the same is almost impossible.. so sometimes its the world around you that needs to change with you.

Through this lovely process of dulling my shininess.. i started developing a past that my future self would learn to hate. I started slowly spiraling into mediocracy.. and i had no problem with it. There was just too much to care about.. to care about anything at all. NO i wasn't depressed. NO i wasn't suicidal. duh. i was just blah. just chillin.. not doing a dang thing with my life.

I craved being the new girl more than ever before. i wanted to dump my dirty water somewhere and move to a clear Caribbean of people and places that expected me to be extraordinary.. leaving the people wishing me to fail behind.. so. i did what anyone looking for a change in their life would do... i googled it.

What do you do when something is dirty?? you clean it up! .. we've all seen the orbit commercials.
So. i googled 'cleansing'. and oh boy did i find what i was looking for.

the past 30 days i have done a complete 180. i have forced myself to become the new girl i had always craved to be...
i decided on emotional baggage i wanted to get rid of... spiritual goals i had never quite reached.. mental capacities i had failed to push myself to.. and physical things that i had been neglecting for waaay too long.. and started my 'new girl' transformation one day at a time.

Negative people.. gone.
Never going to class... fixed.
Insomnia.. cured.
Negative thoughts... replaced.
Bad eating habits.. changed.
Heartbreak hotel... closed for business.

The weight of the world was literally lifted as i realized that the first person i was affecting was myself.. so i was the only one that could change any of it. I was the key to being the new girl in my own life. In the orbits of others i could be a light in their life.. not a dusty magnifying glass of their own negativity..

the moment i decided to change there was no looking back. The new callymon had begun to form.. the old one buried in the ground rotting away with all the other gross things that she represented.

Love makes life hard.. but love also makes life worth it! and my heart was the biggest thing that i needed to fix. Once broken.. your heart needs the most rehab. Once betrayed.. your trust needs serious therapy before coming back in its fullness.

The thing that i learned the most from this cleansing process.. is that anything is possible.. if i want it to be. Like the little engine that could.... because i thought i would never get over someone.. i hadn't. Because i thought i was stuck never sleeping.. i wouldn't. Because i thought guys were all tools that were out to play girls.. they were. No one could be trusted.. because i wouldn't trust them. No man could be in my life.. because i didn't want anyone there.

Well folks. i'm happy to report that it can be done. and it SHOULD be done in your lives too!

It doesn't matter how hard your heart breaks.. fix it! It doesn't' matter how far away from your goal you are.. take one more step towards it! Sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk... and walk before you can run... but your life deserves you at your best. YOU deserve you at your best.. and your prince charming out there.. whoever he may be.. deserves you at your best.

Love likes the happy. Love doesn't' like the angry.. or the bitter. So get back to what makes you happy. Look at your life and think.. would i date me? would i put up with the crap that i put myself through? if the answer is no.. then you have a problem.

Pick things in your life that you can improve on... mentally.. physically.. emotionally.. spiritually.. intellectually... and decide to change them for the pure sake of happiness. For the fantasy of being the 'new girl' in your school.. your town.. and your life. Then if you're looking for love.. you'll at least have the right map.

Be the positive thing that people need in their lives. Choose happy. Choose amazing. Choose to lift people up not try and tear them down. Make people want to come into your orbit to get more of what you're hangin on to.

No one will ever come into your life if you dont let them.. including your new self thats been knocking on your door for way too long. Pour out your dirty water and cleanse yourself from the inside out. Out with the old.. in with the new.

Until Later..
xoxo
-Callymon