The New Girl

You are a story. You are an author in charge of writing your own adventure.. your own happy ending.
You are a chain of events.. a never ending web of good and bad shooting in all directions.
Every thing you do.. every person you meet.. you influence something and someone.
Every move you make has an impact somewhere in the world on someone's life.
You are in a human orbit.

Have you ever thought of how much you affect the world around you? WIth each decision you make do you think to yourself.. wow. i really made that persons day.. or dang.. i was in a bad enough mood to send seismic waves into the hearts of those homies..
Every attitude. Every word. Every fleck of gold left out of your eyes is influencing those searching for something happier and better.. and depriving the world of the goodness you could bring to it.


When i was a little girl i developed this fantasy in my head that i've carried with me until recently. Every year at the beginning of school i would dream of moving to a new school.. new neighborhood.. new state.. somewhere where nobody knew who i was.. what i did.. or anything about me. The new girl that got to reinvent herself over and over and over again.. deciding who she was.. not letting the world around me do it for her. The girl that got to place herself strategically in the orbits of others.. influencing them precisely how i planned..
I wanted to be the new meat all the boys wanted to talk to.. the girl that all the girls wanted to play with at recess.. the new girl that was so mysterious that wild and crazy rumors about what my real favorite color was.. and if my dad was really an astronaut would be spread about.. at least the first couple months of school until the 'newness' wore off.

It wasn't that i didn't like the 'old' me.. i was never trying to run away from some outrageous 5th grade past of being the pencil outlaw or the drinking fountain hog... i never failed nap time.. i didn't need my record wiped clean. i just liked change. i saw how fun it would be to be the madonna of my time.. and constantly mold people's opinion of me.

As i got older.. this record became a little dimmer.. a little dirtier.. and the new girl fantasy became more and more attractive. Little mistakes here... bad habits picked up there... nothing serious.. but enough to put dust in my orbit. Enough to make me not the person that i would want people to remember me as.

I recently decided that i didn't like where i was in my life.. sad songs were all that came out of my head.. negative thoughts.. anti-social-ness.. i mean ok. no i wasn't depressed.. i just felt less shiny. Every area of my life was just going through the motions. day after day.. week after week.. waiting for the world to change around me so that i would be happier.. more satisfied.. less single.. healthier.. smarter.. anything.
I felt like there was so much to do that i didn't want to do any of it! the mere thought of the changes that i wanted to make were paralyzing!! so.. i did nothing. and then i did MORE nothing.. until nothing.. was kinda all i did.

Trying to change while the world around you stays the same is almost impossible.. so sometimes its the world around you that needs to change with you.

Through this lovely process of dulling my shininess.. i started developing a past that my future self would learn to hate. I started slowly spiraling into mediocracy.. and i had no problem with it. There was just too much to care about.. to care about anything at all. NO i wasn't depressed. NO i wasn't suicidal. duh. i was just blah. just chillin.. not doing a dang thing with my life.

I craved being the new girl more than ever before. i wanted to dump my dirty water somewhere and move to a clear Caribbean of people and places that expected me to be extraordinary.. leaving the people wishing me to fail behind.. so. i did what anyone looking for a change in their life would do... i googled it.

What do you do when something is dirty?? you clean it up! .. we've all seen the orbit commercials.
So. i googled 'cleansing'. and oh boy did i find what i was looking for.

the past 30 days i have done a complete 180. i have forced myself to become the new girl i had always craved to be...
i decided on emotional baggage i wanted to get rid of... spiritual goals i had never quite reached.. mental capacities i had failed to push myself to.. and physical things that i had been neglecting for waaay too long.. and started my 'new girl' transformation one day at a time.

Negative people.. gone.
Never going to class... fixed.
Insomnia.. cured.
Negative thoughts... replaced.
Bad eating habits.. changed.
Heartbreak hotel... closed for business.

The weight of the world was literally lifted as i realized that the first person i was affecting was myself.. so i was the only one that could change any of it. I was the key to being the new girl in my own life. In the orbits of others i could be a light in their life.. not a dusty magnifying glass of their own negativity..

the moment i decided to change there was no looking back. The new callymon had begun to form.. the old one buried in the ground rotting away with all the other gross things that she represented.

Love makes life hard.. but love also makes life worth it! and my heart was the biggest thing that i needed to fix. Once broken.. your heart needs the most rehab. Once betrayed.. your trust needs serious therapy before coming back in its fullness.

The thing that i learned the most from this cleansing process.. is that anything is possible.. if i want it to be. Like the little engine that could.... because i thought i would never get over someone.. i hadn't. Because i thought i was stuck never sleeping.. i wouldn't. Because i thought guys were all tools that were out to play girls.. they were. No one could be trusted.. because i wouldn't trust them. No man could be in my life.. because i didn't want anyone there.

Well folks. i'm happy to report that it can be done. and it SHOULD be done in your lives too!

It doesn't matter how hard your heart breaks.. fix it! It doesn't' matter how far away from your goal you are.. take one more step towards it! Sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk... and walk before you can run... but your life deserves you at your best. YOU deserve you at your best.. and your prince charming out there.. whoever he may be.. deserves you at your best.

Love likes the happy. Love doesn't' like the angry.. or the bitter. So get back to what makes you happy. Look at your life and think.. would i date me? would i put up with the crap that i put myself through? if the answer is no.. then you have a problem.

Pick things in your life that you can improve on... mentally.. physically.. emotionally.. spiritually.. intellectually... and decide to change them for the pure sake of happiness. For the fantasy of being the 'new girl' in your school.. your town.. and your life. Then if you're looking for love.. you'll at least have the right map.

Be the positive thing that people need in their lives. Choose happy. Choose amazing. Choose to lift people up not try and tear them down. Make people want to come into your orbit to get more of what you're hangin on to.

No one will ever come into your life if you dont let them.. including your new self thats been knocking on your door for way too long. Pour out your dirty water and cleanse yourself from the inside out. Out with the old.. in with the new.

Until Later..
xoxo
-Callymon