No Big Deal Just Clean it Up

A younger version of me sat at a fancy restaurant with my family. As we were one of two exceptions to the couples on romantic dates in the restaurant we drew a little bit of attention. My brother and sisters and I practiced our perfect table manners our parents took such pride in grilling into our heads, loving the 'may i pleases' and 'thank yous'.. millions of forks.. and waitresses dressed like a million dollars. We loved the ladies in their diamonds and the men in their best suits.. the older couples looking like comfortable old pros calling their favorite waiters by name.. the younger ones with nervous looks on their faces.. awaiting the doom of having to pronounce the chef's special of the night in front of a date they promised that they spoke fluent french.
After the initial shock of kids walking into this pish-posh place wore off.. those around us saw that we weren't there to cause dennis-the-mennace worthy chaos.. and all but forgot we were there. That is, until yours truly.. with my 7 year old short arms of destruction.. reached across the table to grab a roll.. knocking over my root beer and water, spilling brown stains all over the perfect white table cloth.
Silence filled the restaurant as all eyes turned to my parents.
Each couple slowly imagined a different fate for this poor little girl with still so much life to live... would my dad whip out the belt right here just to show his respect for the posh-level of where we were?! ... would i be forced to sit in the car..? Would they have me wash dishes.. or at least table clothes until my hands were to wrinkly to move?! .. i could even see one old man screaming 'run child.. run!!' in his eyes.
They watched and waited.. hearts beating in their ears.. while my dad, without skipping a beat, turned to me and said, 'McCall... what do we say when we spill..?'
With a care-free expression.. that should've been a dead giveaway to the punishment awaiting.. i looked up at my dad with big happy eyes.. giggled a little bit.. and said 'no big deal just clean it up!'
As a child i learned that if something was broken.. you fix it. 'No big deal just clean it up!' .. and move on. You don't fester about it... you don't let it build in your mind until it consumes you.. you don't pull the belt out and scar you and the transgressor to make sure the mistakes are remembered.. you clean it up.. and let it go.

Somewhere in my young adulthood this idea got distorted.
'No big deal just clean it up!'.. became.. 'WHAT!!!!! you're KIDDING?!... what have i DONE!??!.. ahhh!! the world is gonna end as we know it!!!!! hide ya wife.. hide ya kids.. im gonna DIE!!" then clean it up and yet still think... "can you see that nonexistent stain? ew cuz i can.. even the memory of that disgusting root beer stain makes me cringe.. ARE YOU STARING AT THAT SPOT?! eew.. you're totally judging me for spilling that root beer.. oh you can't see it..? ITS RIGHT THERE!!!"
Every mistake in the younger years was almost immediately forgotten.. and most of the time not even brain-logged as a mistake.. they were just events that happened throughout my day or my life that didn't get more brain space or worry than they deserved. Every mistake in the latter years became some earth shattering experience to journal about... something to make sure i remembered so as to NEVER DO IT AGAIN.. something to learn from.. something to tattoo on my forehead.. worry about.. fester over.. and consume my every thought until the next mistake was made.

Mistakes.. misfortune... heartache.. loss.. all things we once had learned to clean up and move on from.. have become the things that consume us.. control us.. break us.. and make us the people we are today.
Is it a bad thing? Not necessarily.. people really do and should learn from mistakes and heartache.. the breaking down is definitely character building and all that jazz.. but Is it a choice? Yes. and i think we've chosen wrong.

You can learn the same lesson from acknowledging and moving on as you can from shattering your world.. altering your universe.. slitting your wrists.. and hiding in a hole until you run out of blood to bleed and tears to cry.
I think people think that in order to make something worth the time you put into it.. it has to have a huge dramatic ending. That if you don't mourn the loss of the boy that just broke your heart then you didn't care enough... that input equals output. The more you put in.. the harder and longer it's gonna take you to get over it. Then.. if you do get over it.. and you don't feel like it was an adequate enough amount of time.. you drag it on.. putting yourself through more misery until you feel like you were sad enough for long enough.. that you've earned the right to move on.
People think that it's the sad.. bad.. depressing.. and miserable moments in their lives that make them great. The 'rise above syndrome'. And because of this thought process they believe that the sadness deserves the most attention because it's the most beneficial to their greatness in the end. that's retarded.

No big deal... just clean it up.
No I'm not a robot that's like.. man up! rub some dirt in it! heartbreak isnt that bad!!
duh. you've read my blog for how long now? you know im pro-pity-party. i know heartbreak sucks.
but take exactly the time you need to get over it.. and then remove it from your life. don't self sabotage. don't compare every boy and every relationship to the tragic one you just got out of.. you'll never allow yourself to be happy! you'll be so stuck in the past that nothing in the present will seem good enough.
By carrying the mess and baggage from the past.. you're not giving your current relationships even a fair chance.. cuz you now will associate the bad from the last relationship.. along with the sadness.. to your current state of mind with the new people in your life.

My friend Elizabeth went through her very own 'break up of her life' recently. The ones that you'll never forget.. the one that everyone has at least 1 of.. that consumes your entire existence. After mourning for almost 3 months.. she felt like she was truly over it and she started dating again. With every new boy she became interested in.. she felt guilty for being so happy.. she would stop herself in her tracks... have an anti-social-chick-flick-night and drown her sorrows in taylor swift songs and nutella.
She would bring up all the sadness of her last broken heart episode.. talk about expecting the worse... and then come to the conclusion that she 'just wasn’t happy with this new boy'.. that she 'found herself just like... sad.. all the time.. and that's not a good sign'.
Uh... duh you dipflip. you THINK you're sad all the time.. therefore... YOU'RE SAD ALL THE TIME!!! clean it up.. and MOVE ON.
You are sabotaging any chance of any and every new relationship that comes into your life. you've mourned.. you've dealt. if you're not over it.. then take more time to cleanse it out of your system.. if you are.. then BE over it.. don't keep coming back to it!
You don't have to KEEP learning from that mistake of a boy.. you've learned.. you've logged it.. now put it in the archives and live your life.

There's always gonna be heartache... there's always gonna be pain... hey. we're human. it comes with the territory.. But choosing to make it simply another part of your life as opposed to the very experiences and emotions that will break us.. mold us... and make us into soldiers.. will serve each of us greatly.

Yes. learn from your mistakes.. become better individuals from every experience given to you.. but don't dwell on the negative.. that will get you nowhere and nothing but sadness. It's not 'the sadder you are.. the stronger you are'.. happy people are strong people too!! they may even be stronger for choosing a more productive way to live. It doesn't mean they have less trials.. they just choose to say 'no big deal just clean it up!'.
Be ok with being ok.. and you'll be ok.

Until Later
xoxo
-Callymon

The Dark Knight

The definition of a hypocrite is "a person who pretends to be what he/she is not". So. for something to be hypocritical, it appears as one thing, yet it is really another.

There are righteous hypocrites and wicked hypocrites.. appearing to be something or do something.. but below the surface.. they fake the world out.
The hypocrites that we think about when the word comes to mind are the people that are preaching one thing and practicing another... like the preacher cheating on his wife that stands in front of a congregation preaching morality. The girl who claims she hates gossip in one breath and in the next she can't wait to get a rumor off her chest. The boy who says he'll never commit that walks away from the girl that decides to date other people.
All of them hypocritical in nature and practice. All of them pretending to be something they're not, condemning others for their flaws as they hide behind their smokescreens.

This is where we get phrases like.. "if you love someone let them go.. if they come back they're yours.. if not.. they were never yours to begin with"
Now.. i know in previous blogs i've argued FOR this phrase.. saying that hey.. its bloody true. Sometimes you have to let go and in order to realize the value of what you're holding on to. But today.. i have a different take on it.
Everyone in the single world claims that they hate games... yet we all play them until we're blue in the face. We all pretend to be something that we're not.. hiding our real reasons for doing what we do... lying to the face of love.. claiming to be tougher.. or sometimes weaker.. than we really are in order to get ahead in 'the game'. Hiding vulnerability... faking vulnerability.. putting a mask on to hide the real emotions that could legitimately get us hurt if we revealed them. Everyone plays. Everyone is hypocritical... and everyone whines about it. If everyone that claimed they hated games didn't play them.. the league would be out of business. so. i know you hate games.. so do i. stop playing them or shut up about it.
The thing that i've come to realize is... you wont play chicken with something you truly care about. You wont 'lead someone on' if you actually want to be with them.. you'll just be with them. You wont text someone if you don't wanna talk to them. And if you do.. sooner or later you'll either break down and text them.. or you'll realize the same thing holds true with them.. that they don't wanna talk to you.. or they would be texting you.
Do i think that games are stupid? yes. However, do i feel like they're completely necessary? Absolutely. The length of time that the games consume your relationship.. depends on the relationship.
Games are played until the level of like.. or the level of love.. is mutual. Once you both surrender the upper hand.. once you hit the point that you don't care if you have the 'power of caring less' card in your hand anymore.. and decide that you both actually care if the other walks away.. you both stop threatening to.
Once you want this person to be a part of you.. you stop the hypocritical behavior.. stop pretending to be something that you're not.. and you start being everything that you ARE.

You wouldn't walk away from something if you were truly afraid of losing it. If you cared about it THAT much.. you wouldn't let it out of your sight.
The phrase above only is valid BEFORE the level of love becomes mutual. If the other person cares less about you.. and you're holding on for dear life.. then yes. you need to let them go and allow them the time to realize that they need to come back. and if they don't.... then you never really had them in the first place. You tipped the scale by putting more into the love balance.. and you need to find someone that will put just as much into your relationship as you do.

In the definition of a hypocrite... it doesn't say.. "a person who pretends to be what he is not.. and hurts people because of it"... sometimes the only person the hypocrite hurts is themselves.. The definition leaves it at a person fooling those around them, hiding behind one thing in order to hide another. It never claims that you have to be preaching something good and doing something bad.


It's easy to believe that in a competition driven world that nobody in their right mind would do something if it didn't benefit them in some way. That a true self-less human being is a myth and farce.. and maybe that's true. But what about Robin Hood, Mother Teresa, Ghandi,Bat-Man.. the true Dark Knight, and the 98 Degrees song 'the hardest thing'..? Do people just FORGET about these incredible contributors to society?!

Robin Hood..a thief.. an outlaw... a hunted man that wealthy man fear and powerful men hate. A man that steals from the rich and gives to the poor. A man determined to bring justice to a world that justice overlooks. A man determined to level the playing field a little bit.

Bat Man.. being exactly what the city of Gotham needs. Not exactly a hero.. but exactly that at the same time. Saving the world one guts-out move at a time... doing what others refuse to, in order to get the results that benefit the same people that refuse to act.

Nick bloody Lachey that pretends he doesn't love a woman in order to allow her to get someone better for her than himself.. knowing that she would never walk away from him.. so he leaves her.. ending the best thing that's ever happened to him because he knows she can do better. He knows he cares less.. so he knows he has to walk away.

All of these heroic men wear masks in order to not only make their job easier.. but to make it possible. Giving themselves the responsibility and burden of living a double life.

My friend Susan recently got out of a bad relationship. After being best friends with him for 2 years.. she dated her recent ex boyfriend Nick for 15 months. At the beginning.. he pursued her HARD... he wanted all of these things.. promised her all of those things.. and made it seem like he wasn't going anywhere. He presented her with a perfect 'Lizzie - Gordo' relationship.. that he was gonna love her no matter what.. for however long.. until she felt the same. That he wasn’t.. no matter what happened.. gonna give up.. he loved her.. and would forever.
Suz didn't take it for granted.. sure she dollied around for a month or two.. trying to make the transition in her brain and heart from best friend - to lover.. but by 2 months into it.. she was having a hard time holding the upper-hand card at all. She realized that she cared just as much about Nick as he did about her. and she slowly started to take off her hypocritical mask.. slowly started to stop pretending to be something that she wasn't.. and she let her guard down.
Happily ever after seemed in her near future... her troubles and douche bag ex boyfriends in her wake.. and she allowed herself to be happy. At the 13th month mark... Nick turned the tables on her so fast.. her head is still spinning. First, he claimed that he wanted to be 'less-official'.. saying that they had forever ahead of them.. they didnt need to be in any sort of a rush to be together. Then.. he decided that they probably shouldn't see each other so much.. so that 'they didn't get sick of each other'.
At the end of the month.. after putting her through psychological hell.. He finally told her.. that he liked dating her.. but he never wanted to marry her.. so keeping her at arms length was probably the best thing for both of them. He didnt want her to GO anywhere.. the best friend relationship that they started out with would still benefit them both.. but the title.. and commitment of it all.. seemed a lot less attractive to him now. So at arms length is where he wanted her.. loving her at a distance. He claimed that all along.. he had never wanted to marry her.. he saw a peak of their relationship far before they reached it.. but he kept dating her.. balancing out the mutual love level.. until he saw the scale tip at her wanting a future with him.. and him remembering that he had no such plans with her.
He pretended to be something he wasn't.. truly in love with her.

Now. the story begins.
Suz got out of this relationship about a year ago. having suffered serious psychological trauma.. she took herself out of the scene and out of the game for a while.. After 4 months she decided she needed to force herself to date again.. kind of like the pilot that crashes and immediately gets in a plane.. she figured if she didn't start soon.. she'd be forever scared.. and die alone. (ps.. arms length relationship? ya right. she walked away from that moron) at 5 months she found herself dating one boy, Sean, over and over again. After 3 weeks of spending most of their time together.. they had the mutual.. unwritten.. sort of unspoken.. 'togetherness' about them.. They weren't dating other people... because they didn't have time to with all the time they spent together.
Suz wasn’t in the place where she wanted to be in love again.. she kind of had the screw-love-mentality still.. but she figured after being traumatized and falling so hard.. she needed practice. She needed to practice being with someone else without playing the tough girl she did before Nick came into her love life. She needed practice at vulnerability without running away from someone. She basically needed a stand in boyfriend to help her get over her issues and prepare her for being with someone else.
wellllp. Without even trying.. she found herself in a position where Sean was filling that roll in her life. Did she see herself marrying the kid? no. Did she see herself even seriously dating the dude? psh.. nahh. but he was fun.. he took her on lots of great dates.. and he was letting her practice being in love.. without actually caring.

Wellllll... first off.. Suz is a stone cold fox.. and second.. while she 'wasn't caring'.. she was being completely herself. And the combination of the two.. had Sean falling all over himself. The more time he spent with Suz.. the more he fell in love with her. They never really talked about their relationship and where they stood.. but he figured that it was building from both ends.. and would soon meet in the middle.. with the scale balanced.. and them in completely in love.
After 2 months of spending every day together.. Sean decided to test the 'mutual-love-waters'.. and bring up them being together...
'do you like me?' and 'do you see us like.. ya know.. being together' were the questions that filled Suz's texting inbox, as Sean, first off.. wasn't 'boyfriend material' in Suz's eyes partly contributed by the fact that he loved having these conversations via text messages.. and second, wasn't ready to hear the answers in person.
Suz.. in her practice mindset answered 'yes' cuz.. first off.. she did like Sean.. he was great! they had a lot of fun! and.. technically.. she would have to be closing her eyes for most her life to not 'see' them together.. so she figured.. what the heck.. sure.

over the next little bit.. Suz had Deja vu of a relationship not erased from her memory yet.. a relationship where.. one person had no interest in actually BEING with the other person.. yet led them on to believe that they did because they genuinely enjoyed spending time with that person. She also remembered the outcome of the relationship and the pain that came from the reality of the situation.. even though the honesty should've been refreshing.. that the enjoyment factor.. and the casual nature should've been no big deal... there was a lot of hurt when the scale tipped.

Suz.. not wanting to be a hypocrite, pretending to be something she wasn't, any longer.. decided that she needed to walk away. The hard thing was.. there was no reason to walk away from Sean.. she was having fun! She was enjoying herself! Yet.. she saw that too-familiar look in his eye.. and she knew that the scale had tipped, and she had no intention of balancing it out.
Suz became the Dark Knight.. the Robin Hood.. giving up her own happiness for the overall goodness and happiness of the situation. She walked away in order to save a heartache she knew too well. And she really did hurt because of it. She now understood why Nick wanted to keep her at arms length.. cuz that's exactly where she wanted Sean. But she wasn't about to ask him to stay there.

There is good.. and there is bad.. There is hurt.. and there is joy.
The world is pretty black and white. Overall happiness.. although is hard to see at times.. is what's important in the end. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your own happiness in order to give someone what they deserve.. someone to balance out their own scale. Sometimes as fun as it is to have someone obsessed with you.. you need to find someone you're just as obsessed with. Being a hypocrite doesn't always mean that you're doing something hurtful intentionally.. But a lot of heartache and pain would be prevented if we never pretended to be something we weren't. Don't pretend to care more than you do.. it is just as bad as pretending to care less than you do. Both instances lead you to places you don't wanna be. By wearing a mask.. you'll never get the right shade of make up. By pretending.. faking people out.. and putting on a hypocritical show.. you'll never get what you want.. and what you deserve.
So. Dark Knight or not.. take off the mask. Go to the places you never thought YOU would go.. before vowing to go to the places no man has. Allow yourself to be in love.. and when you're not.. be ok with walking away from it in order to let someone else find their own happy ending. Stop the hypocrisy and find the person that's right for YOU.. as opposed to the person that's right for who you're pretending to be.

Until Later xox
-Callymon

. . The 6th Sense . .

Every date we go on... every new potential lover we meet.. every crazy friend with a crazy set up idea you know you're gonna be forced to go on at the end of the day... all wanna know one question..
"so... what are you looking for in the opposite sex?"
To this question we have many answers.. all of which we believe to be true.
If you're talking to your best friend from high school that you, side by side filled the shallower end of your roster with . your answer usually goes something like... attractive.. sexy.. ryan gosling-like.. hot friends.. has swag.. drives a range rover.. all that good stuff.
When talking to someone on a date.. if you like them.. or could see yourself liking them.. your answers usually cater to their physical appearance.. occupation.. and what you know about their thoughts and feelings on things.
"weird... that's what you're looking for? well honey.. here i am!!!"
we all wanna be loved.. our brain takes the easier route by telling ourselves.. and the person we're with that.. "we must be DESTINED to be together! look at that.. you have EVERYTHING i'm looking for!"
If you're on a date with someone that has turned sour.. or that you never want to go out with again... you make your list IMPOSSIBLE to meet.
"oh ya know... some form of professional athlete.. in the peace core.. loves back packing.. has his massage therapist license... in culinary school.. loves to clean.. is a professional nanny in his spare time.. single handedly solved world hunger.. just simple things like that.... "
If you're on the rebound.. you want someone to make you feel less lonely.. more important.
If you're not even close to wanting to talk about marriage.. or avoiding it like the plague.. you're just looking for someone you can have a good time with..

We ask... we get asked... and we answer. But when no one else is watching... no one is asking.. and you finally realize that it's not who has the most impressive.. or hardest list to meet.. it's not a competition to see who can be the hardest person to be with.. When we sit down on a thursday night with the lights off.. alone.. contemplating the wonders of the universe and actually ask ourselves... what am i looking for in someone? How do we answer the only person that matters and the only person we can't lie to? What gets added to our list then? what gets removed??

I've said before that everyone that you date has a purpose at that given time in your life... but is that enough?
We're at the point in our lives that we're supposed to choose someone that we can spend the rest of forever with... how on EARTH are we supposed to make THAT decision?!

My friend Candice is one of those self-sabotaging types. She doesn't like to let herself be happy.. because she doesnt' want to get comfortable in something or someone that wont last.
Happiness is a scary word to her.
What if love is blind? What if her loneliness makes her make decisions that will matter more in the future than they do at the time she makes them? What if she mistakes substance for love?

On my couch a couple nights ago.. candice started venting about her current situation:
Candice loved this boy named Chris for almost 2 years. He was perfect on paper.. with her parents.. they liked to have the same kind of fun.. could talk about anything spiritual without having that uncomfortable 'dont wanna offend someone' vibe.. He fit perfectly into her life.
But. when the 'non-stagnant-relationship-movement' (see previous blog) took its toll on their relationship.. he decided that he no longer wanted to be with candice. That he loved her.. but forever was a long time.. and there were things (that he wouldn't mention) that he just couldn't live with forever.
As you can imagine.. Candice was crushed. She made the vow that many girls do... to never get hurt like that again.. and by doing so took herself out of the dating game for almost a full year.
Now... a couple months ago.. hot little candice decided to grace us all with her presence.. and boyyyyyyy was she on fiiiireeeeee.
For 3 1/2 weeks she was on a date with a different guy every single night. (i mean really? who goes out on a tuesday?.. oh ya.. candice.) It was disgusting how dialed in she was! Then one day.. she decided that she wanted something more stable than that. She wanted a boyfriend.
So.. she picked one of the boys she had gone out with and decided that he was now gonna be her boyfriend. (if only life were that easy for everyone... haaate her.)
John... the lucky winner of Candice's attention and love for the moment.. and Candice started hanging out more and more.. going out more and more.. Candice would turn down other date options.. and john kept asking. It was exactly how she had imagined it. The all dreaded loneliness that girls stay up late and cry about with their friends while snuggling in bed together.. was gone. The void.. filled. Everything was going great.

Now. we get to a couple nights ago on my couch...
Before Candice realized it... 5 months had gone by. Were they fun? absolutely! Was she lonely? Not at all. Was john the perfect date? over and over again.
But when you live in a state where everyone thinks the ship is goin down and you gotta grab someone and get off... marriage is bound to cross your mind after that long.. or at least get brought up in every single conversation you have - casual or not.
Candice said they hadn't even become official yet but it was right around the corner and she was gonna need to make some decisions in the next little bit about actually wanting to be with john or not..

Could she see herself marrying him? It wasn't even about that when they started hanging out! She couldn't even answer that question..
She was lonely.. he was there. and not just there... he was wonderful! But marriage? forever? Thats a long - A time! It wasn't that he was a filler... but he was doing just that.. occupying her mind and her heart... wasn't that enough for right now?
So. I calmed her down... put another scoop of creme brule ice cream in her now blabbering mouth.. and asked her the question....
What are you looking for in the man of your dreams? What are you looking for in your happily ever after? What does your future require for you to be constantly happy? Can john give you those things?

our once list of.. 'sexy abs' and 'man handling capabilities' all the sudden took a different turn.
We became CSI relationship.. dissecting every possibility and need for each others futures.

How did we want our children to be raised? How did John grow up? Would he understand the same things that Candice had been raised on?
What would happen when they fought? was this lonely void that he filled enough to keep them going when they hated each other?
Were the things that were important to Candice important to John?


Then we got to the next layer...
If the answer to any of these questions was no... did that mean that they needed to break up? Was there a time line she needed to follow before worrying about leading him on too much about forever?
People date for a long time... but isn't the ultimate goal marriage? and if she didn't see it going there now... would she? was she just scared? did she have any reason to break up with him?

What do you do when you feel like its give or let go but there's no reason to do either? When you feel like the pressure is on to make 'smart relationship decisions' but you don't feel like you're in an adequate place to make ANY decisions?
At what point can you not get away with 'just going with it'?

Let me give you the same advice i gave her...


You're the only one that truly knows yourself. People can live around you.. observe you.. and claim to know you.. but none of them are you.
Because you know yourself so well... subconsciously you would never let yourself get in a situation that would sacrifice your happiness. You date people that you're attracted to..
Yes we all go through 'phases' of crazy rock star boyfriends and guys that we don't see ourselves with past next tuesday... but we also recognize them as phases... even if we claim we could spend forever with them.. we know what’s up.
People that we actually date and actually love... the ones that make us throw our lists out the window.. are the ones that matter. if they don't meet 'future president' or 'cardiologist with a summer home in france' mold.. don't kick em to the curb quite yet.
Think of the list that is deeeeep inside you... not the one you want your mom to be impressed by... not the one that you've compiled with your friends on their couches late at night..
YOU are the only one that has to live with YOUR ending..
YOU are the one that marries the love of YOUR life.. so YOU have to follow your own heart.
If you are yourself with someone.. they accept you for you.. and you are having a great time... ride the wave that you've been given. With your own future comes your own time line.. no matter where you live.. or who's pushing what fate on you.
You're allowed to call your own shots.

Love is a 6th sense.
It will never lead you astray. You need to learn to trust your own instincts that have brought you into the relationship you find yourself in. Something about it was attractive to YOUR heart and subconsciously to YOUR future.. don't let what others think interfere or make you go into a panic mode full of time-lines and agendas.

Allow yourself to be happy. Not everything lasts forever.. and thats ok!! because someday.. something will! you don't need to worry about today being that someday!

And finally... don't date people that you couldn't marry.. If you have a list of what's truly important to you.. and they don't meet those points... don't start.
If they're missing the dumb stuff.. you aren't perfect and your list could change.. but never drop your priorities in love and your future for a weak or rebellious moment. It's as simple as that. there are a lot of people in the world.. its just as easy to fall in love with the right kind of person as the wrong kind of person.
If you feel like you're picking between love and eternal happiness... uh. you're retarded. if it doesn't make you happy.. its not love. and if it does.. and you're still questioning it.. maybe you're putting too much emphasis on the wrong things.. maybe you're too caught up in the rehearsed list you've given for so long. Or maybe you're filling a lonely void that you need to be ok with letting go.
Get back to listening to yourself. Follow the 6th sense that you've been given..
Follow your heart.. you're bound to have an adventure.. and your own kind of happy ending.


Until Later!
xoxo
-Callymon

The New Girl

You are a story. You are an author in charge of writing your own adventure.. your own happy ending.
You are a chain of events.. a never ending web of good and bad shooting in all directions.
Every thing you do.. every person you meet.. you influence something and someone.
Every move you make has an impact somewhere in the world on someone's life.
You are in a human orbit.

Have you ever thought of how much you affect the world around you? WIth each decision you make do you think to yourself.. wow. i really made that persons day.. or dang.. i was in a bad enough mood to send seismic waves into the hearts of those homies..
Every attitude. Every word. Every fleck of gold left out of your eyes is influencing those searching for something happier and better.. and depriving the world of the goodness you could bring to it.


When i was a little girl i developed this fantasy in my head that i've carried with me until recently. Every year at the beginning of school i would dream of moving to a new school.. new neighborhood.. new state.. somewhere where nobody knew who i was.. what i did.. or anything about me. The new girl that got to reinvent herself over and over and over again.. deciding who she was.. not letting the world around me do it for her. The girl that got to place herself strategically in the orbits of others.. influencing them precisely how i planned..
I wanted to be the new meat all the boys wanted to talk to.. the girl that all the girls wanted to play with at recess.. the new girl that was so mysterious that wild and crazy rumors about what my real favorite color was.. and if my dad was really an astronaut would be spread about.. at least the first couple months of school until the 'newness' wore off.

It wasn't that i didn't like the 'old' me.. i was never trying to run away from some outrageous 5th grade past of being the pencil outlaw or the drinking fountain hog... i never failed nap time.. i didn't need my record wiped clean. i just liked change. i saw how fun it would be to be the madonna of my time.. and constantly mold people's opinion of me.

As i got older.. this record became a little dimmer.. a little dirtier.. and the new girl fantasy became more and more attractive. Little mistakes here... bad habits picked up there... nothing serious.. but enough to put dust in my orbit. Enough to make me not the person that i would want people to remember me as.

I recently decided that i didn't like where i was in my life.. sad songs were all that came out of my head.. negative thoughts.. anti-social-ness.. i mean ok. no i wasn't depressed.. i just felt less shiny. Every area of my life was just going through the motions. day after day.. week after week.. waiting for the world to change around me so that i would be happier.. more satisfied.. less single.. healthier.. smarter.. anything.
I felt like there was so much to do that i didn't want to do any of it! the mere thought of the changes that i wanted to make were paralyzing!! so.. i did nothing. and then i did MORE nothing.. until nothing.. was kinda all i did.

Trying to change while the world around you stays the same is almost impossible.. so sometimes its the world around you that needs to change with you.

Through this lovely process of dulling my shininess.. i started developing a past that my future self would learn to hate. I started slowly spiraling into mediocracy.. and i had no problem with it. There was just too much to care about.. to care about anything at all. NO i wasn't depressed. NO i wasn't suicidal. duh. i was just blah. just chillin.. not doing a dang thing with my life.

I craved being the new girl more than ever before. i wanted to dump my dirty water somewhere and move to a clear Caribbean of people and places that expected me to be extraordinary.. leaving the people wishing me to fail behind.. so. i did what anyone looking for a change in their life would do... i googled it.

What do you do when something is dirty?? you clean it up! .. we've all seen the orbit commercials.
So. i googled 'cleansing'. and oh boy did i find what i was looking for.

the past 30 days i have done a complete 180. i have forced myself to become the new girl i had always craved to be...
i decided on emotional baggage i wanted to get rid of... spiritual goals i had never quite reached.. mental capacities i had failed to push myself to.. and physical things that i had been neglecting for waaay too long.. and started my 'new girl' transformation one day at a time.

Negative people.. gone.
Never going to class... fixed.
Insomnia.. cured.
Negative thoughts... replaced.
Bad eating habits.. changed.
Heartbreak hotel... closed for business.

The weight of the world was literally lifted as i realized that the first person i was affecting was myself.. so i was the only one that could change any of it. I was the key to being the new girl in my own life. In the orbits of others i could be a light in their life.. not a dusty magnifying glass of their own negativity..

the moment i decided to change there was no looking back. The new callymon had begun to form.. the old one buried in the ground rotting away with all the other gross things that she represented.

Love makes life hard.. but love also makes life worth it! and my heart was the biggest thing that i needed to fix. Once broken.. your heart needs the most rehab. Once betrayed.. your trust needs serious therapy before coming back in its fullness.

The thing that i learned the most from this cleansing process.. is that anything is possible.. if i want it to be. Like the little engine that could.... because i thought i would never get over someone.. i hadn't. Because i thought i was stuck never sleeping.. i wouldn't. Because i thought guys were all tools that were out to play girls.. they were. No one could be trusted.. because i wouldn't trust them. No man could be in my life.. because i didn't want anyone there.

Well folks. i'm happy to report that it can be done. and it SHOULD be done in your lives too!

It doesn't matter how hard your heart breaks.. fix it! It doesn't' matter how far away from your goal you are.. take one more step towards it! Sometimes you have to crawl before you can walk... and walk before you can run... but your life deserves you at your best. YOU deserve you at your best.. and your prince charming out there.. whoever he may be.. deserves you at your best.

Love likes the happy. Love doesn't' like the angry.. or the bitter. So get back to what makes you happy. Look at your life and think.. would i date me? would i put up with the crap that i put myself through? if the answer is no.. then you have a problem.

Pick things in your life that you can improve on... mentally.. physically.. emotionally.. spiritually.. intellectually... and decide to change them for the pure sake of happiness. For the fantasy of being the 'new girl' in your school.. your town.. and your life. Then if you're looking for love.. you'll at least have the right map.

Be the positive thing that people need in their lives. Choose happy. Choose amazing. Choose to lift people up not try and tear them down. Make people want to come into your orbit to get more of what you're hangin on to.

No one will ever come into your life if you dont let them.. including your new self thats been knocking on your door for way too long. Pour out your dirty water and cleanse yourself from the inside out. Out with the old.. in with the new.

Until Later..
xoxo
-Callymon

.. Childish things with Grown up wings ..

Santa Clause. The Easter Bunny. The tooth fairy. The monster in your closet that would eat you if you didn't clean your room. (no..? just me?)
The things that we grew up on. Things that made our lives full of magic and excitement. The best kept secrets in the world! The things that kept us scared of being on the naughty list.. kept our rooms clean.. our trips to the dentist exciting.. and our easter dresses covered in multicolored food coloring. Things that i wish i still believed in. And even more than that.. things i wish were actually true!
I still remember the day that my friend broke the tragic Santa news to me. I cried. I even pretended like i believed in him for 2 more years before letting my parents figure out that i knew their secret. I was devastated that the strange telepathic fat man in red with rosey cheeks that stalked me in my sleep, always knew what i wanted, and always knew when i was awake wouldn't be breaking into my house that year through my chimney. I was traumatized when i realized that.. BUNNIES DON'T LAY EGGS!! and really.. what tiny person would give me a quarter for my gross teeth when mom was home.. and 10 bucks for the same tooth on the other side when dad was home?
The monster in my closet that would eat me if my room wasn't clean.. obviously never scared me THAT much.. ok it did... but not enough to make me clean my room.. i figured out at a very early age that.. hey.. im still here.. my room's still messy.. i may be grounded.. but things could be worse.. i could be in the belly of the mess monster! The only thing this fantasy got me.. was a fear of the dark that never went away.
The older we get, the more ridiculous and childish our once childhood fantasies seem. The more 'mature' we get.. The more we cling to them, waiting for the day we can lie to our own children about the red-suited burglar and freak hybrid egg-laying bunny. The magic we once lived for.. and thrived on.. becomes the fun - yet ridiculous - memory of the younger us.

Thank goodness for Harry Potter or my childhood would've become waaaay too muggle-ish at much too early an age.. For when we got a little older.. a new kind of magic was introduced to us.
A magical land of spells and witchcraft.. trolls.. appearing feasts.. defeating evil.. and having your best friends stick by you til the end.
I would love to tell you of a time that all these wild and ridiculous fantasies left my subconscious.. but lets be honest.. im still waiting for my Hogwarts letter.

We grow up on these nursery rhymes and fairy tales of bigger and better things.. of worry free holidays and magic always being there to clean up after our mistakes..
As we get older.. we don't let go of these magical fantasies.. cliches.. and happily ever afters.. No. Like our shift from Santa to Dumpledore... we just get new hopes.. new dreams.. and new magical worlds to replace the old ones.

True Love is our grown up version of Santa Clause.
Now hold it right there.. nooope i'm actually NOT turning this into a cynical 'man-hating' 'love sucks' blog. No bitterness here. So all you mushy love people can read on without thinking that i'm gonna jinx you.. and all you bitter single people can change your cd to something Ernie Halter and take a chill pill. i'm not here to fuel your love-hate fire.
But.
True Love.. or what we have grown up to recognize true love as... is our grown up version of Santa Clause. We grow up on this fantasy of boy meets girl.. fireworks explode.. they get married.. and live a happily ever after every day from there on.. (cue birds singing and fawns cleaning houses)
If you think love is easy... you are setting yourself up for failure.
Should love be HARD necessarily..? absolutely not. But it should be the hardest and the easiest decision you ever have to make... and the hardest and easiest problem you will ever have... confusing? and a litttttle contradicting? duh. its love.
People think that love comes without trying.. and if you have to 'try' that its not real love. This is false. Sorry dreamer.. bunnies don't LAY EGGS! People have to work at love everyday! Its what you're willing to go through to MAKE it perfect that makes it true love!
If you're getting into a relationship.. don't write it off so quickly if its not all peaches and creme.. weigh the good and the bad.. THEN decide if its worth it..
If you're getting married.. cuz lets be honest.. its kinda the thing to do right now.. don't go into it thinking that if you have a small argument.. or even a LARGE argument.. that 'you made the wrong decision'. Sometimes things get heated! Take a chill pill.. walk it off.. and come back to the issue with a logical.. more level headed approach.
If you've been married a while and you are just nodding your head to this. then woot woot. have a cookie. you've figured it out.

a couple more Santas?

'Love is Blind'
as much as i wish this absolutely WASN'T the case.. its true! When you're in a situation.. you rarely see the actuality of what is happening.. it can be a good thing or a bad thing.. depending on the relationship.
If you're in a bad relationship.. and everyone around you sees it.. but you don't. it's because you haven't filled your 'love prescription glasses' in a while. The best way to see if you're Stevie Wonder-ing it or if you're vision is just a little blurry but you wont crash your car..... when people talk to you about your relationship.. especially the ones that care about you.. don't lie. Don't make excuses.. tell them exactly how it is... if it sounds like a bad relationship when you say it out LOUD.. but then you back it up with.. yaa but you're not IN IT.. so you don't GET IT.. honey. you blind.
It's no one's decision but your own whether or not you want to put up with this relationship or not. And if you make the decision to.. then keep your relationship problems to yourself. The only thing venting to someone else about it will do.. is make them hate your girlfriend or boyfriend even more.. and tell you what an idiot you are.

'Love conquers all'
True.
It doesn't matter what your fight is about.. jealousy... money.. just plain stupidness.. if you love each other.. that's all that matters. It's like the 'good vs. evil' battle. Good will ALWAYS come out on top in the end.
If you are letting something come between love. you're an idiot. cause really... love conquers all. And as soon as you figure that out.. you're gonna feel..and look.. like a total moron. Save yourself that walk of shame.. Let the little things go.

'If you love something let it go.. if it comes back its yours.. if not.. it was never yours to begin with'.. (or something along those lines)
trust me this is a whole blog in itself ( probably the next one actually)
But, i used to think.. this phrase is sooo retarded! if you LOVE something.. why the heck would you want to 'let it go?!' wouldn't you want to fight for it? hang on to it? NEVER let it go?! why would you have to go through some weird process of yo-yo love dieting?
and then... it happened to me.
like i said.. get stolked for the next blog.. buut to finish this one out..
for real.. if you love something.. and you let it go.. and it comes back.. it's yours.
Sometimes you have to have the courage to walk away from something with the faith and hope that everything will work itself out. You have to be willing to lose someone if you love them because you may not be the best thing for them. This santa SUCKS. but its true!
.. If it was never meant to be and you walk away.. then trust me something even better is on the way!
and if it WAS.. then hey.. start planning the soundtrack for when you two run into each other's arms and have the 'epiphany of each other' moment when you realize you could never live without each other.
Either way.. win win!

You can believe in 'true love' if you bring truth to your love.
Breathe.
Forgive.
and dont spend forever festering over things that are out of your control.. its time wasted.

Until Later! xoxo
-Callymon

..Love Sick..

Its only september and already the first colds, flues and achey sicknesses are beginning to take their toll on us all.
With each little tiny change in the transition from season to season comes a new.. fun.. disgusting little surprise.. determined to keep us bed ridden for the best season of the year.. fall!
My favorite right now? Ya.. i have pneumonia! Suuper fun. So. while i get lots of rest.. drink lots of fluids.. and take these hard drugs my lovely doctor wrote me up for trying to get over my fickle fall sickness.. i figured we should cure some sicknesses plaguing our hearts as well.

1. The common creeper.

We're gonna address both sides of this issue.. tackling the symptoms from both ends in order to exterminate these little buggers.
I believe in being nice to every human being on the planet. I love befriending anyone and everyone. Kindness is something that everyone deserves.. however. I feel like growing up a lot of us have been fed a skewed image of kindness. ..'be nice no matter what'..and 'kill them with kindness'.. have been bent into.. 'you cant say no'.. and 'avoid confrontation altogether'.
When someone approaches you... or stalks you... you don't HAVE to say yes to going out with them. If a creeper is creepin.. avoid him and don't give him reasons to think you're leading him on!
Girls... just say NO. You can say no in a nice way! But you need to make sure that your message is clear. If homie with his pants up to his eyebrows.. lovely stache.. and a knack of running into you in a premeditated fashion comes at you with full force... you going along with his skewed fantasy of you two making tragically creepy young ones is hurting BOTH of you... you may be taking one for your own team to add another brick to your heaven mansion... but you're also leading him in a direction that will soon be completely taken out of his compass.. most likely leaving him even more emotionally damaged than if you would've initially... nicely.. backed out of a situation.

I was in an english class last semester when a girl that worked at the police station told us a story of a girl that had come in the previous week.
Jane had just moved into a new college town and was determined to make friends.. she was the sweetest girl alive so she didn't exactly have a huge challenge ahead of her.
Her new neighborhood came with a new church ward, new home teachers (male visitors assigned to check up on her and give her gospel related lessons), and new room mates.
Her new home-teacher Chuck was a straight creeper. he started by showing up at her apartment unannounced.. being there when she got home.. calling her every night.
She initially gave off the vibe that she wasn't interested.. but when he continued to pursue her.. she didn't want to hurt his feelings.
One day he text her and told her that he had a surprise for her and to let him know when she was home... she coordinated with a room mate to make sure she had someone there with her.. but when she got home.. he was waiting for her, and her room mate was still in class. He insisted that they start her 'surprise' right away..
He told her he had made a scavenger hunt for her.. starting in another area of their apartment complex. She followed him to the common room.. where she found a big box with her name on it.
When she went to open the box... he. pulled. out. a TAZOR!! She blacked out for a couple seconds.. and when she came-to he was trying to HANDCUFF HER!!! uhh.. hello!!!!
She waited 3 days to go to the cops about it because she 'didn't want to make him feel bad'.

Girls... don't be this dumb. If you get the creeper vibe... avoid your own tragedy by stopping the homie in his tracks.

Boys.. the sad reality of this world is.. the difference between a straight creep.. a tool.. and a persistent fellow.. is the level of attractiveness and swag they bring to their creeping.

I'm not saying the attractive creepers aren't creepers... they just tend to get away with it more.
If y'all haven't taken my 'tool box test'.. you should. a lot of the tool-like attributes cross over to creeper status.
Vitamins for your poor souls...
Don't resend texts when a girl doesn't write back.. if you sent it... SHE GOT IT.. sending it again isn't gonna make her write back any quicker.
Don't text her and call her every. single. night. if she has shown no interest in you... you can only put forth so much effort without her reciprocating it before you get put in the creeper box. knock it off.
When you're doin your thang.. Don't leave a fb stalking trail.. where's the fun in that?

So. its hard to tell girls to stop creepin.. cuz the truth of the matter is... a girl creeper.. is just desperate. If he's not interested in you.. there's no way that he's perfect for you.
If you fall into this category.. even though there was an oil spill.. there's STILL plenty of fish in the sea.. quit creepin and move on. He's married knock it off.. - wait what? ooh right. that's just at byu.

So.. the cure? Stop leading the creepers on.. grow some guts and let them know that you're not interested.. and homies.. quit creepin. have a very honest evaluation of your flirting.. pursuing.. and pouncing tactics.. look yourself in the mirror and decide 'am i a creeper'? if you are.. nobody likes those. Knock it off.

2. Hopelessly Devoted

I've always thought of love as a tug-of-war... a little give.. a little take.. finding the balance.. picking your battles.. surrendering the upper hand.. taking control... caring more.. caring less.. back and forth back and forth back and forth..
That sometimes you are running.. and sometimes you are chasing..
That at the end of the day, everything works itself out.
I've grown up believing the fairy tale of love.. and everything that goes along with it.

I never understood the phrase 'falling in love alone'.. i just figured that if someone was dumb enough to fall without someone catching them.. that they had no idea what love was.. so therefore they weren't 'falling in love alone'.. they were just bungee jumping without a cord. retards.

In sports.. there are individual events.. like track.. and.. bowling.. but in love.. if you run with no one chasing you.. what the heck are you doing...? if you're chasing something that never has any intention of stopping.. either your legs will fall off.. or you'll die of a heart attack in the middle of the love road somewhere... alone.
If you play the love tug-of-war by yourself... you just fall on your butt.

I've always believed that everything that is supposed to work out.. will. But what if something ISN'T working out that you want to?? what do you do?
How long can you hang on to something without needing to see a shrink?

I dont' think its possible to fall out of love with someone.. how ever unfortunate this realization is. That person, however, CAN be replaced.

My cure for 'hopelessly devotedness' : Be on top of the world! I know saying 'replace that love dummy' is waaay easier said than done.. so. when in drought.. replace it with yourself! Not in the tool box conceded.. love yourself to death kind of way.. but in the actual bettering your self and soul.. true self worth kind of way.

My friend Winston had dated this girl Laci forever. It ended in a pretty bad break up.. i'm talkin.. him in the middle of the street.. on his knees.. sobbing.. screaming.. heart wrenching.. life changing.. break up.
After this break up.. they did the.. occasionally see each other.. most likely hook up.. and then go their separate ways.. him always wanting her.. her always something more than what he was.. until he finally caught the vision that if he realllllly wanted to be with her... he couldn't do the 'casually run into each other thing' until something had significantly changed.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result... and he was tired of going crazy.
After working his BUTT off for 9 months with out scratching his Laci itch that came every so often.. he started really getting places in his life.
He found himself with a deal in his hands with one of the biggest music distributing companies in the country.. (oh ya.. i forgot to tell you.. he's a rock star)
As he walked out of this meeting with tour dates.. cash to burn.. and a serious ego boost.. he decided to call Laci..
she agreed to meet up with him and go to lunch. Of course at this lunch she saw his success.. his rock hard body.. and his new found confidence and wanted him in a heart beat..
He however had found something out about himself. He didn't need someone that waited for him to be good enough to be with her.. he needed someone that loved him for being him.. in any state.
When he was on TOP of his game.. he finally realized... he didn't want her back.
Hopelessly devotedness CURED! When you are at your best you make MUCH clearer decisions than when you're struggling with your own self worth. After getting out of relationships that make you feel unwanted and like crap... you need the time to replace that love with something you love to do. It will help your independence.. it will help your confidence.. and your added boost of yourself will make you more attractive. so there. take your medicine. you will be cured.

3. Heebie Jeebie Newbie Cooties

Everyone that gets out of a relationship faces this last one. When your relationship season changes from 'taken' to 'broken' aka 'single'.. you don't like the fact that you're not comfortable with the dudes and chicks you're going out with... these Newbies aren't like your old boyfriend or girlfriend... they don't know that when they say 'legit' you vomit silently.. they don't know that when you say 'stop tickling me' you mean.. STOP EFFING TICKLING ME BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE GONADS.
The worst is when you start to actually like someone.. and you HATE IT. You give yourself the heebie jeebies because.. what the FREAK are you doing?!

Re.LAX. everything is new at one point or another.. dont put so much thought into who has the upper hand.. who says what first.. who calls who first... if you like each other.. you need to knock it off and get out of your own way! Go into it thinking.. this will most likely work out.. instead of.. this most likely WONT work out. Allow yourself to let your guard down.. get the wiggles out.. this new thing.. if you can actually give it a chance.. could very soon turn into a natural.. regular.. not-so-new thing.

Prescription..? Plenty of rest for your mind and your butterflies. Knock it off. you're fine. You have to give SOMEONE a chance.

Every sickness has a cure. Our bodies are perfect machines designed to fix and repair themselves. Our hearts are the same way... every heart ache.. uncomfortable moment.. and sniffle we run into has a remedy.. Our hearts are programed for love. Let yourself love and be loved. By yourself as well as by someone else.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... A blog a day keeps callymon sane.

Here's to the next few days of drugs.. vicks vapor rub.. orange juice.. and cough medicine.
Cheers.
Until Later..
xoxo
-Callymon

.. Circus Performers ..

Who are you when i'm not looking?
Although this country song talks about the endearing side of someone when they're by themselves.. not worried about what the world thinks.. with quarks.. bad habits.. messy rooms.. and a bad belching problem... i want you to really ask yourself this question...
Who are you when nobody else is around? ... Who would you be letting down if they saw you do some of the things you've done and say some of the things that you've said in private? Who would be surprised? Who's heart would you break?
This question has been on my mind for a while now.. it all started when i was exposed to the double life of a couple friends of mine.

While vegging with my room mates on our couch yesterday.. i relayed what had happened..

Last week, my really good friend Jake.. (good enough that he was willing to expose his 'other side'.. or good enough that he didn't even think about it..) was on my computer while we sat on my couch watching Glee. As he continued to facebook stalk some girls.. he would give his commentary.. complete with his agenda with each of them. ... im not retarded.. i was fine with this.. but as he went back and forth from his cell phone to his fb messages.. i asked his girl situation in full.
I definitely got the dramatic story i was looking for... and it surprised me.

Jake had dated this girl Alex on and off for like 3 years. I knew of alex, obviously but had never heard the whole saga..
He loved her.. but he refused to commit to her and only her. As his convenience allowed.. he would call her.. slay her... cuddle with her.. vent to her.. fight with her.. do everything that an 'old married couple' was complete with.. just with out the strings attached. Alex loves Jake.. and jake knows it.. so he takes advantage of the 'opportunity' as he calls it. He figures that Alex doesn't mind because he knows he's filling a need in her as well. He explained with a sincerely smug look on his face that they both benefit from his screwed up arrangement of 'playing house' and then 'playing playa'.. he gets his freedom.. while she gets her moments of amazingness. He couldn't see any problems with stringing her along because he still cared about her... so why should he let go of that option? He would tell Alex that he just 'wasn't ready to settle down'.. that he 'wasn't really dating'.. he just 'needed time' and that they would 'figure it out'. Obviously this kept Alex.. who loved Jake and would do anything for jake... who also had been waiting for jake for 3 years.. in Jake's back pocket. doing just that... waiting.

THEN. he proceeded to pull up his facebook messages and go through his library of text messages from other girls. HE WAS BEING A TOTAL SKEEEEZZZ! He would write every girl on facebook that he thought was attractive and tell them the saaame thing.. that he found them extremely attractive.. he was recently out of a relationship so he 'didn't really know how to do this..' and then ask for their number. Judging on his level of attractiveness (ya he's like a 9.8... you're welcome jake).. every.single.girl. would give it to him! He could play skeez ball bingo with their responses... all somewhere along the lines of.. 'awww you're totally fine! you just need to ask! duh! ya we should TOTALLY hang out...
'would you like to make out too?' ..
'if its on the menu..'

I"m talkin like.. he would hang out with one friend... notice another friend that was cute... and hook up with both of them within a couple weeks. the dudes got GAME!
All his juggling he should join the freaking circus!!!
To every girl he looked and sounded sincere. I even got to witness a few of the hang outs.. he was smooth.. 'genuine'.. and seemed really interested in every girl he took out.. then. he would get home.. and text Alex his famous 'Goodnight babe.. hope your day was great! miss you!'

WHHHAAAAT? really?? Even jake's other friends.. his home dawgs.. whatever.. even THEY weren't aware that he was chasing more tail than a dog. he kept it very secretive.. covering his tracks.. lying through his teeth about every situation. Even trash talking Alex to his buddies on FB. Telling them how clingy she was.. and how annoying the whole situation was.. and how she ;just couldn't get over it.

On the surface.. he was this incredible.. amazing guy! But dig not much deeper.. and you find a completely different person!

At the beginning of the story.. i told you i was telling my room mates this.. While i completed this story with my over zealous facial expressions and dramatic pauses.. gasps.. and dun dun duns... they took it all in.. and then concluded that i had simply gone where very few girls had gone before...... i had a look at the inner mind of a guy... DUN DUN DUUUUNNN..
They made an overall decision that all guys were like this... just nobody knows about it! That if every girl had access to every guy's texts and facebooks and thoughts, that they would all see the inner snake in their knight in shining armor.

Clearly my whole house has trust issues. I'm working on my hating-man-syndrome.. and im gonna go ahead and say that no.. i dont REALLY believe that all guys are like this.. at least i hope they're not! but i'm gonna put it on 'human being' in general.

What secrets would you be ashamed of? Who are you cynically leading on for your own personal convenience? Who are you lying to because you think you'll never get caught?

It's what you do when nobody is around that makes up who you are.. NOT how good of an actor you can be. NOT what you can get away with!

I have a friend named Jamie that dated a guy named Rich for 2 1/2 years.. They were more in love than anyone i had ever seen. On the surface it was the perfect relationship...
After Rich completely out of the blue broke Jamie's heart with no apparent reason.. the creme started rising to the top.
Rich's friends.. and other girls started coming to Jamie to apologize.. assuming that she already knew... Rich had been cheating on Jamie their ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP!! wtfreak?!?
Jamie wasn't completely deaf dumb and blind.. she had heard the rumors go around... she had caught wind of what was going on several times... But every time she brought it up to Rich.. he would make her feel guilty for even thinking it for one second! He would turn the situation on her.. tell her she was making him feel bad because he could never ever do that to her and she should know that!
uuuh.... Rich? YOU SUCK. and you are straight retarded.. even some of Jamie's supposed 'good friends through association' were in on the big scheme. Before Rich had broken up with her.. they felt a certain amount of loyalty and 'guy code' or whatevvvver. But then they broke up and uuh obviously crap hit the fan.

Really? homie.. 2 years?!!! wtfreak!

Honestly... who are you when its JUST you?? Who are you pretending to be??
What are you saying.. doing.. and acting like JUST to get ahead in life? When does the ACTUAL you come out? We are taught to believe in innocent until proven guilty.. yet we live in a world that if we don't consider 'guilty until proven innocent'.. then we're naive.

What friends do you throw under the bus to be the 'expert' on someone? What lies do you prance around telling people and potential relationship-ees just to make sure you can keep them on the line?

You need to remember that you are building your own mansion.. nobody else's. That every good and honest deed you do.. every genuine act.. every time of adversity that you are able to overcome.. every gossip session you avoid.. is a brick. Nobody else will benefit or suffer from your lack of or abundance of property. Your character mansion is under construction.. being built every single day.. it is the honest core of who you are.. and you are ruining it by being anything less than REAL.
If you believe that everything happens for a reason then REASON with yourself.. cuz by living or telling lies you are making the wrong dang things happen.. and you're screwing with other people's lives as well as your own. You are making the entire 'everything happens for a reason' concept invalid because you're manipulating the world around you in a negative way.

In my favorite movie..'EVER AFTER'.. the roll of the evil step sister Margarite tries to play the prince like she's an innocent lovely lady. She keeps her act up every time she's in front of the prince so he knows no different... however.. like regular life..... the creme rises to the top and her bratty retardedness is revealed in the end when he falls in love with her sister.. the cinderella figure, Danielle.

Alright one final story. sorry.
So. my friend Aubry just met this boy John... she pretttty much fell in love with him on the spot. She had a class with him and realized at the end of the 3 hour block that he was exactly her type! HOWEVER... John had sort of dated one of our other friends Carrie.. or had almost sort of dated her?? Carrie and John would make out a couple times a week.. and had been hanging out.. 'progressing'.. or so she thought.. for that month they were doin their thing..
UUh.. come to find out.. john had had an almost girlfriend.. the whole time. so. sketchy points went up..
In PERSON john seemed to be the greatest.. most spiritual.. all his crap together kind of guy! But according to his past.. or at least the stories about his past.. he was a total sketch ball!!
So what the freak is Aubry supposed to do???!

You may be the best actor in the world.. but sooner or later.. your true colors will be revealed. When they are.. be a pretty picture. Not an ugly smelly one thats hidden under perfumes and illusions for as long as you could stand it.

Work to be the same person when no one is looking that you are when you're under the spot light and microscope. If its hard for you... realize you're hurting people.. most of all yourself..and CHANGE. Fake is never a word used in a positive sense. Be real. Be you. and let everything happen for the RIGHT reasons. Don't be a circus performer.. don't HAVE to worry about juggling the people and relationships in your life. Be you.. in real life.

Until Later! xoxo
-Callymon