.. Circus Performers ..

Who are you when i'm not looking?
Although this country song talks about the endearing side of someone when they're by themselves.. not worried about what the world thinks.. with quarks.. bad habits.. messy rooms.. and a bad belching problem... i want you to really ask yourself this question...
Who are you when nobody else is around? ... Who would you be letting down if they saw you do some of the things you've done and say some of the things that you've said in private? Who would be surprised? Who's heart would you break?
This question has been on my mind for a while now.. it all started when i was exposed to the double life of a couple friends of mine.

While vegging with my room mates on our couch yesterday.. i relayed what had happened..

Last week, my really good friend Jake.. (good enough that he was willing to expose his 'other side'.. or good enough that he didn't even think about it..) was on my computer while we sat on my couch watching Glee. As he continued to facebook stalk some girls.. he would give his commentary.. complete with his agenda with each of them. ... im not retarded.. i was fine with this.. but as he went back and forth from his cell phone to his fb messages.. i asked his girl situation in full.
I definitely got the dramatic story i was looking for... and it surprised me.

Jake had dated this girl Alex on and off for like 3 years. I knew of alex, obviously but had never heard the whole saga..
He loved her.. but he refused to commit to her and only her. As his convenience allowed.. he would call her.. slay her... cuddle with her.. vent to her.. fight with her.. do everything that an 'old married couple' was complete with.. just with out the strings attached. Alex loves Jake.. and jake knows it.. so he takes advantage of the 'opportunity' as he calls it. He figures that Alex doesn't mind because he knows he's filling a need in her as well. He explained with a sincerely smug look on his face that they both benefit from his screwed up arrangement of 'playing house' and then 'playing playa'.. he gets his freedom.. while she gets her moments of amazingness. He couldn't see any problems with stringing her along because he still cared about her... so why should he let go of that option? He would tell Alex that he just 'wasn't ready to settle down'.. that he 'wasn't really dating'.. he just 'needed time' and that they would 'figure it out'. Obviously this kept Alex.. who loved Jake and would do anything for jake... who also had been waiting for jake for 3 years.. in Jake's back pocket. doing just that... waiting.

THEN. he proceeded to pull up his facebook messages and go through his library of text messages from other girls. HE WAS BEING A TOTAL SKEEEEZZZ! He would write every girl on facebook that he thought was attractive and tell them the saaame thing.. that he found them extremely attractive.. he was recently out of a relationship so he 'didn't really know how to do this..' and then ask for their number. Judging on his level of attractiveness (ya he's like a 9.8... you're welcome jake).. every.single.girl. would give it to him! He could play skeez ball bingo with their responses... all somewhere along the lines of.. 'awww you're totally fine! you just need to ask! duh! ya we should TOTALLY hang out...
'would you like to make out too?' ..
'if its on the menu..'

I"m talkin like.. he would hang out with one friend... notice another friend that was cute... and hook up with both of them within a couple weeks. the dudes got GAME!
All his juggling he should join the freaking circus!!!
To every girl he looked and sounded sincere. I even got to witness a few of the hang outs.. he was smooth.. 'genuine'.. and seemed really interested in every girl he took out.. then. he would get home.. and text Alex his famous 'Goodnight babe.. hope your day was great! miss you!'

WHHHAAAAT? really?? Even jake's other friends.. his home dawgs.. whatever.. even THEY weren't aware that he was chasing more tail than a dog. he kept it very secretive.. covering his tracks.. lying through his teeth about every situation. Even trash talking Alex to his buddies on FB. Telling them how clingy she was.. and how annoying the whole situation was.. and how she ;just couldn't get over it.

On the surface.. he was this incredible.. amazing guy! But dig not much deeper.. and you find a completely different person!

At the beginning of the story.. i told you i was telling my room mates this.. While i completed this story with my over zealous facial expressions and dramatic pauses.. gasps.. and dun dun duns... they took it all in.. and then concluded that i had simply gone where very few girls had gone before...... i had a look at the inner mind of a guy... DUN DUN DUUUUNNN..
They made an overall decision that all guys were like this... just nobody knows about it! That if every girl had access to every guy's texts and facebooks and thoughts, that they would all see the inner snake in their knight in shining armor.

Clearly my whole house has trust issues. I'm working on my hating-man-syndrome.. and im gonna go ahead and say that no.. i dont REALLY believe that all guys are like this.. at least i hope they're not! but i'm gonna put it on 'human being' in general.

What secrets would you be ashamed of? Who are you cynically leading on for your own personal convenience? Who are you lying to because you think you'll never get caught?

It's what you do when nobody is around that makes up who you are.. NOT how good of an actor you can be. NOT what you can get away with!

I have a friend named Jamie that dated a guy named Rich for 2 1/2 years.. They were more in love than anyone i had ever seen. On the surface it was the perfect relationship...
After Rich completely out of the blue broke Jamie's heart with no apparent reason.. the creme started rising to the top.
Rich's friends.. and other girls started coming to Jamie to apologize.. assuming that she already knew... Rich had been cheating on Jamie their ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP!! wtfreak?!?
Jamie wasn't completely deaf dumb and blind.. she had heard the rumors go around... she had caught wind of what was going on several times... But every time she brought it up to Rich.. he would make her feel guilty for even thinking it for one second! He would turn the situation on her.. tell her she was making him feel bad because he could never ever do that to her and she should know that!
uuuh.... Rich? YOU SUCK. and you are straight retarded.. even some of Jamie's supposed 'good friends through association' were in on the big scheme. Before Rich had broken up with her.. they felt a certain amount of loyalty and 'guy code' or whatevvvver. But then they broke up and uuh obviously crap hit the fan.

Really? homie.. 2 years?!!! wtfreak!

Honestly... who are you when its JUST you?? Who are you pretending to be??
What are you saying.. doing.. and acting like JUST to get ahead in life? When does the ACTUAL you come out? We are taught to believe in innocent until proven guilty.. yet we live in a world that if we don't consider 'guilty until proven innocent'.. then we're naive.

What friends do you throw under the bus to be the 'expert' on someone? What lies do you prance around telling people and potential relationship-ees just to make sure you can keep them on the line?

You need to remember that you are building your own mansion.. nobody else's. That every good and honest deed you do.. every genuine act.. every time of adversity that you are able to overcome.. every gossip session you avoid.. is a brick. Nobody else will benefit or suffer from your lack of or abundance of property. Your character mansion is under construction.. being built every single day.. it is the honest core of who you are.. and you are ruining it by being anything less than REAL.
If you believe that everything happens for a reason then REASON with yourself.. cuz by living or telling lies you are making the wrong dang things happen.. and you're screwing with other people's lives as well as your own. You are making the entire 'everything happens for a reason' concept invalid because you're manipulating the world around you in a negative way.

In my favorite movie..'EVER AFTER'.. the roll of the evil step sister Margarite tries to play the prince like she's an innocent lovely lady. She keeps her act up every time she's in front of the prince so he knows no different... however.. like regular life..... the creme rises to the top and her bratty retardedness is revealed in the end when he falls in love with her sister.. the cinderella figure, Danielle.

Alright one final story. sorry.
So. my friend Aubry just met this boy John... she pretttty much fell in love with him on the spot. She had a class with him and realized at the end of the 3 hour block that he was exactly her type! HOWEVER... John had sort of dated one of our other friends Carrie.. or had almost sort of dated her?? Carrie and John would make out a couple times a week.. and had been hanging out.. 'progressing'.. or so she thought.. for that month they were doin their thing..
UUh.. come to find out.. john had had an almost girlfriend.. the whole time. so. sketchy points went up..
In PERSON john seemed to be the greatest.. most spiritual.. all his crap together kind of guy! But according to his past.. or at least the stories about his past.. he was a total sketch ball!!
So what the freak is Aubry supposed to do???!

You may be the best actor in the world.. but sooner or later.. your true colors will be revealed. When they are.. be a pretty picture. Not an ugly smelly one thats hidden under perfumes and illusions for as long as you could stand it.

Work to be the same person when no one is looking that you are when you're under the spot light and microscope. If its hard for you... realize you're hurting people.. most of all yourself..and CHANGE. Fake is never a word used in a positive sense. Be real. Be you. and let everything happen for the RIGHT reasons. Don't be a circus performer.. don't HAVE to worry about juggling the people and relationships in your life. Be you.. in real life.

Until Later! xoxo
-Callymon