.. From the Ashes ..

I have a couple confessions.
One.. i'm completely in love with Prince william. Expect a Royal wedding blog VERY SOON.
Two - given that i haven't blogged in a record time of like.. 2 weeks.. you know my life has been on crack.
Between finals.. my head feeling like its gonna exPLODE.. and a couple other things.. lets just say im glad i made it out alive!
it's not that i haven't come to my little blogger page and typed.. ooohh there definitely have been some blogs that have started.. even naming the titles would tell you that they probably wont make final 'publishing' cut..

in life. we go through times where we're not really sure of how we feel.
about people. about circumstances. different situations.. events.. and we're left in our own darkness awaiting direction.
THIS hit me with full force in the last couple weeks.
looking at the situations i've put myself in.. a lot of people would argue that i was simply going through the phases of grieving. That it was healthy. and that i would come out of it.
noo i'm not telling you im depressed. i'm not some tormented being that hates sunshine and chocolate and babies. I'm not even really confessing to a state of sadness.. cuz it hasn't been that either..
I"ve been caught in a state of limbo. unsure where i stood.. unsure of the ground beneath me.. unsure of my surroundings.. and completely blind to any future direction.
i would draw strength from my phrase "tough as nails" and block out any incoming emotion.. determined not to break in any way.. soo focused on holding myself together that i was just.. ok really. we hear all the time that "fine" isn't a real emotion. i agree with this.. but that's all i was. i was fine.
before yall come to conclusions and start checking building tops.. and for reallly good psychiatrists.. allow me to take you through the last little bit of time.
I have been neglecting my friends that needed voices and advice ( and been getting hate mail for it) because i didn't know how i felt myself.. but now that i feel i have a hold of my own emotional roller coaster.. that it wont derail and any moment.. i can answer and advise in my retarded mccall way again.
the good thing about having friends with problems in their lives.. is that you can focus on the problems of others.. and through the healing of other hearts.. you come to your own conclusions.
at least thats what i'm about to attempt.
at the beginning of this blog.. i promised to change names to protect the innocent. and the guilty. i need to add a few more to that list...
to protect the tools.
the liars.
the deceitful.
the ignorant.
the brave.
the lonely.
the broken.
and the straight up retarded.


and so we begin..

Although we all think we're alone in the world of love.. that no one has ever felt the emotions we feel.. and that our relationships are SO different than all the rest.. none of us are exempt from relationship stereotypes.. the phases of life.. and the breaking and mending process our hearts are meant to go through.

our first love. our first heart break. the person we almost meet at the end of the isle. the one we will always love. the longest relationship we have before we end up with our true soulmate. the ones we think will or should last forever. the ones we give up everything for. and the ones that break us down into fine powder.

While the montage of your love life runs through your head and your series of songs you've reserved for each relationship start playing in the soundtrack to your love lives.. allow me to take you into the world and heart of Christie.
unfortunately for christie.. all of these stereo types.. all of these major stepping stones.. were jammed together in one big boulder.. a mountain of experiences... in one man.

Dave was her first love. her first heart break. the person she not only assumed but planned on ending up with. the man she gave up everything for. the one she was willing to bend and break and rearrange and change for just to make him happy. the first and only person she's ever cared about more than herself. The one where.. at the end of the day.. she will never give up hope for. He's her weakness. and if you know Christie like i do.. probably the only one she has.

Dave and Christie had dated on and off since 8th grade. The first time they met they sat giggling talking about their futures. From day one they started painting scenes in their own fairy tale book. Their 'plan' started forming.. the one they anxiously awaited to unfold before their eyes.
imagine at 14 knowing you were going to marry someone.. or at least believing that where ever you went in life.. whatever happened.. you had this anchor.. this default setting to come back to. This is what dave and Christie became to each other.
Even in their off periods they were not only protective of each other.. they made sure the plan was still in motion.
they had some unwritten.. unsaid agreement.. that they could absolutely date.. kiss.. woo.. anyone they wanted to. it would always remain insignificant. The default setting would override any feelings of doubt.. any feelings of love for someone else.. the anchor would hold them in place on their path they had beautifully drawn together.

Over the years they went their separate ways geographically.. even emotionally a couple times.. when they reallly thought it was over and then something earth shattering would bring them together again.. and one look is all it took for the magnetic force between them to be reactivated.. stronger than ever.
They had more than love. they had understanding of one another. They moved as one. thought as one person. even when they were miles and miles apart.
Well... as happy as this fairy tale seems.. recent events began to tear pages from it.. rewrite parts of their precious plan.. and start a new story all together.

When Dave was 20.. he decided that he was going to an Army prep school to play football out of state. Although Christie was sad.. she had faith in the plan.
At this prep school.. Dave met Sandy.
Sandy was very different from Christie.. but something about her kinda drove Dave nuts.
Long story short.. Dave decided that he loved Sandy. Through the process of falling in love with her.. he never wanted to hurt Christie so he kept things from her. Sandy was portrayed as just a friend.. a sister almost.. that lived close by. he 'didn't even think she was pretty'.. and they 'had been hanging out with groups of people.. randomly paired up a couple times'. He told Christie that they were 'just hanging out'. He never admitted to Sandy being his girlfriend. He always kept Christie on the line.. the male ego in him, not wanting to let go of an option. especially one he had made a plan with.
After like 8 months at this school.. Dave badly broke his shoulder and was forced to return home and give up his football scholarship.
The adjustment home was hard.. back to living with his parents.. and Christie was there.

They decided to resume their relationship after their break of a couple years and resume their plan.
Every way that Christie was different than Sandy.. dave learned to hate.
He picked the things that were similar to his half-attempted romance with sandy.. and decided to hang on to those..
But the characters in their fairy tale... and the story line for that matter.. had been changed.

Out of desperation.. Christie saw dave pulling away from her and tried to change every thing about her that he all of the sudden found unattractive.
Her strength became her weakness.. because dave no longer wanted someone that had their crap together like Christie. He wanted a damsel in distress. so that's what she became.
Never having been insecure about being herself in her life.. Christie was thrown in a state of panic. All the things Dave (and the rest of the world) had loved about Christie were gone.. she suppressed them.. and became something unnatural and unstable.
She gave up her life for 'the plan'.. determined to make it work.. afraid to express doubts to doubtful dave in fear that the whole story would collapse all together.

After 4 months of Dave being home.. and Christie developing a natural tendency to retreat to the fetal position.. they sat down and discussed the obvious. They weren't happy.
Christie had been ground into a fine powder through the insecurity that dave put her through.. afraid to be herself in anyway.. not even really knowing what or who herself was anymore.. so she clamped her teeth.. balled her white-knuckled hands.. and walked away from him.

After a month of a couple awkward run-ins... and several rain storms of tears.. Christie learned the truth about Sandy. Dave's sister karen (who had always been one of Christie's biggest fans and allies) had found letters they had written back and forth since he had been home with him confessing his feelings for her.. undermining any relationship he had with this 'desperate Christie girl from back home'.. basically calling her delusional. Karen copied them and sent them Christie.. feeling like she should know the truth.

Through everything that Christie has been through.. the problem.. challenge.. and heartbreaking reality that she came to me with.. was that her 'Dave and Christie' fairy tale was still on her shelf. She still held out hope for the boy that stole her heart in the 8th grade.. still had a small kindling fire going for the plan they once had written in the stars together. She was just adding chapters to it.. waiting anxiously for it to unfold before her swollen tear-filled eyes.

Christie.. as one of your best friends i realize more than most how much you have loved dave. I realize that he will ALWAYS be a huge part of your memory.. and a huge part of your past.
but he doesn't have to.. and can't.. remain a huge part of your present and future. you have put your entire BEING on hold waiting for a fairy tale.
There are people in our lives that we're ALLOWED to always love. Dave is yours. but you have to let go of the hope of your plan. you have to accept the memories.. accept the sadness and all the songs you have for your guys' relationship and put them in a box and let them go.
If you forever hold on to Dave.. you will never let your heart heal.. and you will never let anyone else in.
I said earlier that none of us are exempt from these relationship stereotypes.. these phases of life we unfortunately have to go through.. i promise christie that you're not alone.
The first loves of the world are crying with you.. the broken hearts of those that have been deceived.. and the broken people who have lost themselves in the attempt to please another. We all stand behind you with open arms and success stories of those that have moved on.
You WILL. i promise. you just have to let yourself.
Don't hide from it..
Acknowledge that you loved him.
Acknowledge that he was a huge chunk of your life..
and then move on from it.
Through time.. you will be able to build yourself from the ashes he left you in and be stronger because of it.
Don't let some duche bag tool box take your Christie-ness away from you. Go find her again.. and prince charming will find you.


The rest of the heartbreaking friends of mine will have to await their stories and advice for at least a couple hours.. as this post is getting lengthy..

The heart is a strong muscle of our body.. as many times as its torn and broken.. it will always repair itself. It's stronger than we give it credit for.. sometimes we just need to allow ourselves the time required to rebuild.
Hang in there.. let go.. and smile. You deserve it.

(the only good thing about not blogging for so long.. is i can post as many times as i want and not feel retarded) so.... basically until.. an hour from now.. talk to you soon!

xox
-Callymon