Every once upon a time.. after a long (or not so long) journey.. quest.. and chain of dramatic events.. every beginning.. will end one of 2 ways.. happily ever after.. or The End.
Every relationship you will ever get into whether its puppy love or not.. will end in the same one of two ways... you will either break up.. or get married. There is no alternative. And since most people only do the marriage thing ONCE.. most people end up with a roster of people dubbed 'EX' in their little black books.
Some rosters have the numbers of a golf team.. or a quartette.. others could easily fill an NFL football team.. or an entire high school.
In this blog we talk alot about the different aspects of love and relationships.. how to get in them.. what to do while you're in them.. how to get out of them.. what to do once you're out of them..
Today we're gonna talk about what we ACTUALLY do when we get out of the relationships that don't end in happily ever after.. or at least the ones that haven't ended there so far.. The ones we feel are still being written.. or the ones we've torn the last page out of because we didn't like the way it was written.
There's a fine line between crazy and sane... between stalker and pursuer.. insane and brilliant.. right and wrong.. hopelessly devoted and patiently waiting.. no and not now.. are you freaking insane and aaww that's cute.. between aaahh and aawwww..
Many people flirt shamelessly with this line... especially the insanely attractive and swagged out playa g's you don't think to question.
While you're dating these crack addicts.. you don't seem to notice the on-the-fence behavior so much.. its when you break up that alllll the fun stuff gets revealed.
We've all had a version of this conversation with ourselves.....
"I dont like to think of myself as a professional facebook stalker... i like to look at it as strategic.. resourceful.. and practicing a future as a personal investigator for the FBI. I have to build a resume SOME how right? why not start with the sketchy chicks my ex is now dating?"
or
"stalking isn't the word... i'm simply running into him in a premeditated way... if i HAPPEN to show up to the party he said he was going to on his wall... its one of those 'fate' things. we were TOTALLY meant to see each other tonight!..i just have to PLAN these 'accidental run-ins' so that i'm wearing my best lou buttons and my hair is curled... duh."
The flaws in our society become more and more apparent as all of you involuntarily nod your heads in agreement.
See when we're dating someone.. assuming there's mutual trust there.. all our strategy and cunning planning gets put in a cupboard to gather dust until one day that lying cheating son of a duck does you wrong and you get to whip it out again. The longer the relationship was.. the more deprived you've been of the personal and thrilling drama of it all.. and the stronger your black ops mission senses kick in.
Getting out of relationships is hard for everyone. No matter the maturity level.. Everyone gets jealous. No matter how well they hide it.. everyone gets sad. its just the way love works. When these unfortunate relationships take the happily never after turn.. you're faced with another fork in the road.
It then becomes either.. 'this one jerk i dated'.. that you get over and move on from.. still secretly braggin to your friends that you slayed him/her cuz they're so attractive but they're 'SOOO not your type'.... or.. they become like the fly paper that's unbearably.. unIMAGINABLY sticky that you just can't seem to let go! They either become another marble in the jar.. or become the hemp bracelet you never take off.
If you're able to live and let go.. then you probably still do these things.. you just aren't intentionally ruining their lives in the process..
If you swear you're still supposed to be with that person and you can't bear the thought of them with someone else.... yaaa... you do it on purpose.
There are a couple different ways that these situations are handled..
The Black Widow.. and the silent but deadly.
first... the BLACK WIDOW technique. (cue mission impossible music)
I swear the government needs to catch on and develop an all female unit.. the Women in Black... the Black Widows.. that be creepin in yo windows.. snatchin yo hunnies up.. hide yo potential wives.. hide ya friendddss.. hide yaa blog.. they stalkin everyone up herrr.
ok. no. not every ex is a crazy stalker.
women.. and men.. just become conveniently very resourceful in times of need. its a survival tactic.
But in all seriousness.. government... take note. all. female. unit. they would handle their business like no one you've ever seen!! i mean yaa guys can be all... rawwrrrr.. jealous.. and punch something.. but you mess with our personal lives? and we mess you UP! i'm talkin psychologically.. emotionally... physically... psychotically. it goes DOWN! It gets personal.
You know the hard thing about living in general..? anywhere.. and everywhere you go, you bounce from bubble to bubble. the once 6 degrees of separation.. have become 2.. and our black ops widows use this to their advantage...
Even without facebook, before you date someone you know everything about them.. what their number was on the kissing rating list.. who've they've dated.. who they've cheated on.. who they cheated with... you get the run down from friends that know friends that are 'looking out for you'... Everyone knows everyone.. everyone's dated everyone.. in one way or another.. You've entered a bubble.
This is why when you break up.. and pop the bubble.. or damage something inside of the bubble..stirrrrr the bubble a little bit.. Everyone knows about it.
Suddenly your ex becomes friends with EVERY. SINGLE. ATTRACTIVE. PERSON. that you would EVER date... and you can't even call them out on it!!
You come to realize that, with how small the world is.. you are no longer the only mutual friend between your ex and your new potential hook up. in other words.. you're screwed.
Once your ex hones in on the 'code book'.. girl-code.. guy-code.. whatever... they can pull the code on your entire LIFE.. banishing you from any circle they run in because 'how could anyone do that to their new best friend?'.
Guys form fraternities sworn to never date ex's.. screwing over any girl..and all her friends.. that have dated any of the 35 guys that have now suddenly become best friends.
The other side of this.. well. not even the other side.. its just a special division of the club... are.. the 'SILENT BUT DEADLY'.
These are the unnaturally attractive ex's that make sure you see them every place possible so that they can never fully leave your system. They hang out with your friends.. they are in a position where your family would gladly trade you for them... they leave all the pictures up on fb of you two.. making it appear that you guys haven't skipped a beat.
The ultimate c.block. t.block. whatever... they make sure girls.. and guys.. don't wanna get involved.
They stamp 'its complicated' all OVER your relationship without ever having to really say anything!
They also use this 2 degree of separation rule... but they use it to keep the fire and gossip about you two alive! When asked how you guys are.. instead of replying that you had a big hard break up... they leave the mystery of it all out in the open with lines like.. 'i never know with him'..... 'you know how we are..'.... or better yet.. 'eh.. we'll be fine.'
Who wants to fight a ghost? nobody! so people stay OUT of it!!
The fine line that we talked about earlier is weaved in and out of... crossing and uncrossing.. only really forcing every ex out there to land on one side of it.. when their story comes to its own happy ending.
If two people end up together because one was being stupid... it all ends in sanity and roses.
If they end up apart... they are placed in a creepy creepy scrap book that they burn on their wedding day of all those ex's that 'one time did...'
If two people ARE supposed to be together.. all the games are stupid and will be laughed at.
If one person can't rid themselves of the sticky flypaper they've attached themselves too.. sorry charlie you wont get the last laugh... you will be laughed at.
I know you want a big relationship evaluation and MAD advice after this lovely post...
but my advice?
I'm not gonna tell you to man up and get over someone... the healing process is a WHOLE separate other blog.. i'll tell you HOW to get over someone later.. But while you're in this phase of 'not over someone'.. cuz yes. this black ops stuff does mean you're not over them... check where you're at on the spectrum... what side of the fence you lie on..We alllll do at least some of it! If you're now realizing that you're a bit too obvious.. go watch some CSI/Criminal Minds.. put on mission impossible and invest in some sly glasses. mayyybe even.. heaven forbid.. ease up on the stalking.. friending.. and scheming.
If you are 'way too mature for this' then good for friggin you.. you in denial son of a duck.
we know that you're the worst of all of us. you're silent but fatal.
A rule i live by? If you have to tell someone you ARE then you AREN'T...
- friendly..
- smart..
- attractive..
- amazing..
- in shape..
- talented..
- over someone..
If you have to convince someone that you ARE.. then clearly you are not.
Just BE.. and you will be eventually. Dont worry about putting on a show.
You dont have to be over someone and frankly its nobody's business whether you are or aren't. But ruining people's lives isn't nice. so don't do that. be in the bubble.. but not of the bubble. It's a small enough world as it is.
Be your best you.. and there's no way that anyone could NOT miss you.
Until later! xoxo
-Callymon
All you playas out there.. listen up.. Tools R Us is back in session. If you read this chicks post you'll get some more tips us tools do to keep the dumb clueless girls in the tool shed. Especially "exes". Make them stick to you like sticky tape like this chick talks about.
ReplyDeleteTOOL TIP: Friend tons of your ex's friends or have her friend your friends. Then post a bunch of pictures of your tool self all over their walls where you know they'll look (like a best friend or good friends, etc). If you don't post pictures all over the walls post quick dumb messages. This way the dumb clueless girls will keep seeing our mugs on the facebook walls and their dumb little brains will kick into clueless emotional girl mode. Post "cute" pictures with babies too. That way all the dumb chicks will click like on it and write "cute" messages. This will make your ex think they like you a lot which will make her jealous.
Becuase your a tool your ex is probably a dumb clueless chick anyway and she will keep on checking your facebook stuff/pictures/etc. They are probably not emotionally stable enough to cut you off completely so keep up the tool game. Their dumbness and cluelessness is your advantage. They'll forget why you even broke up in the first place (even though you know it wouldn't work out anyway).
Another important rule this chick keeps admitting that works even in this post is to keep a small group of dumb chicks around you and make sure the ex knows they like you or atleast make it look like they like you. They might be ugly chicks but oh well. Still works. This alone multiplies the effect by making her jealous. This check even admitted it once again in this post.
I hope all you tools out there learned your lessons. I'm tryin' to help all you tools out so study up and do your homework. Reading these blog posts will definitely improve your game. Playa's keep your game up and tight!
Dumb clueless girls work flock around in packs to the dumbest tools. Don't forget that. So even if you are a really dumb tool just remember these rules. All the clueless girls will flock after your toolness all day long. Bring them into the toolshed playas!!!
Big playa tools RULE, nice committed guy DROOL! Keep it real playas!
More to come, (if you're lucky)
Your Master Tool
Dear Too tool for cool,
ReplyDeleteA. i don't know if i should be flattered.. or scared. B. You said the word 'tool' in this comment... an insane amount. and C. if you're gonna be the 'counter part' to this blog.. that you've so lovingly made yourself.. you're gonna need to consider a couple things.....
1. you should be HELPING guys get girls... not helping them DESTROY girls. the thing you need to realize is the more relationships you burn.. the more you hurt YOURSELF as well. and judging by how much you love yourself ^^^ i'd say thats a little counterproductive.
2. i admit to dating tools. i've done it.. we've all done it.. that does NOT make me a dumb chick. thank youu. the sad thing about it is we are fully aware of the tool level of the guy we're dating.. the only dumb part is that we choose to stay with them!
3. you claim that you aren't a commitment kind of guy.. do you plan on dying alone? or just shananigating around a little while longer until you can pull your head out of your rear end and realize that.. EVERYONE is a relationship kind of person. EVERYONE is a commitment kind of human being.. its just a matter of who is mature enough to realize it and who is still in the denial phase that they enjoy screwing with their lives and others.
So. if you love me... which i'm counting on the fact that you do... shed light on your fellow tools in the shed.. dont lead them into the darkness. teach them how to GET girls.. and KEEP girls.. not play them and leave them! Thanx you're a doll.
-Callymon
Callymon, let me say straight up I like your attitude. Don't act like you're not flattered. The word Tool cannot be overused. Tools are who rules. Remember that. Let me say that again. "Tools are who rules"
ReplyDeleteI can't respond to everyone of your weak arguments right now (it's hard when I got two dumb chicks on each arm and one more coming over right now). When they leave I'll respond to each of your weak points. I probably should also upload some more picture of me with my tank top on for my facebook ladies that are always checkin' out my wall. I'll get on that now.
You would date me in a heartbeat. I can tell. You want me. Maybe if you're lucky enough we can hook up too.
Until Later,
Master Tool
Tooltime is back in session kids. We'll make this one a quick tool time session:
ReplyDeletePoint 2) This leads me to another point which are what I call "toolettes" These are the girl counter parts to tools. One of the top characteristics of tooletts is their inability to recognize a quality guy even if you hit them across the head with a crowbar. Most of the girls that want me don't even bother getting to know the few quality guys that show interest in them because they are so wrapped up with me and other tools. I don't feel that bad either. Toolettes are pretty stupid actually.
Another thing is they go from one tool to another pretty quickly. I know many that have rotated through me have been on a "super tool tour" over the last 4-5 months. Most toolettes emerge from the Tool Tours as dumb as when they started. They will then usually try to go back to what they felt "comfortable" with which is why they tend to go to the "ex". They are so dumb they don't have the capacity to seek out other potential men that would be a better fit than the ex they are glued to because they have a brain the size of a small african bird.
I know this was insightful for you. You can thank me later.
You're other points will be answered later, if you're lucky.
Sincerely,
Your Master Tooltime Tool Teacher