..Security Breach..

I'll start out by saying that if you want a happily ever after.. stop reading this.
If you want one of my fun stories that start with an awkward couple meant to be.. and ends with fireworks and goodnight kisses.. this isn't the blog for you.
This love story doesn't end well..
is it helpful..? yes. insightful..? yes. Will it give you new perspective? i think so.
But there are no fireworks tonight. Fireworks don't show in rainstorms. No sweeping off of feet and landing in prince charming's arms in the last second. I'll warn you about this story full of walls and flaws and coming to look at yourself in the mirror for who you are.. and who you always wanted to be.. or who and what you always thought you would be.

People pay a lot of money to feel secure. Look at all the guys these countless blogs make fun of.. that make bank roll selling.. just that... guaranteed security.. security systems. systems that make you feel safe. like nothing can hurt you. How do you even put a price on that?
Exactly. so people fork out the cash and put the state of the art systems into their homes.

If you could guarantee security and safety to your heart.. it would be priceless.
We search for the 'state of the art' defense systems to protect us... and we at least have a bat handy at all times.. just in case.
We all have our defense mechanisms.

Before i really get into it.. i'll apologize.. i know this blog is kinda all over the place.. if you've made it this far.. just bear with me.


I have an extremely high pain tolerance level.
It takes a lot to make me cry.. feel uncomfortable.. or at least show that i'm uncomfortable.. my camel's back can hold a dang lot of straws.

When i was a senior in high school (so aaages ago right..) i hurt myself cheerleading which lead to the first major surgery in my life - a knee surgery. This surgery and recovery taught me a lot about who and what good ol callymon was made of. When i was put out for the surgery my body accepted the general anesthetic.. but as soon as it was time to wake up.. instead of going through the crazy.. groggy.. out of it phase.. i was UP! 2 minutes later i was crackin jokes with the nurse.. asking about things i had missed that i needed to make up in school.. all the time complaining that my knee hurt pretty dang bad.
Being a glorified legalized drug dealer.. the nurse started giving me morphine in my IV.. when nothing happened.. and i still felt pain.. like.. just as much pain as before getting blood-fed heroine.. she gave me more. Each time, after she shot me up.. waiting for me to drift off into oblivion. Waiting patiently for my head to SLAM into my pillow. My pain never changed.
After giving me enough morphine to - as she said - 'put me in a coma for 3 days' she decided to call it quits.. what a doll.
After getting home.. the same process happened with my pain meds. At first, i knnnoww my mom didn't believe me when i told her that my pain wasn't even dulled a LITTLE bit when i took the Loritab and the Perkiset.. but after the first day.. i just didn't take any more.

I have a high pain TOLERANCE level.. which means.. i can FEEL juuust as much pain as everyone else.. i just handle it differently. If i just didn't feel pain.. that would be fantastic. But the fact that i take it.. put some chocolate sauce on it.. and eat it for breakfast.. now THAT just makes me a freak.
I find this to be my biggest fault. The biggest obstacle and flaw in life.

Because when it comes to relationships.. not just love relationships.. i mean relationships with human beings... i have an extremely high pain tolerance level. I take the pain and crap that people dish out.. put some chocolate sauce on it.. and eat it for breakfast.

I haven't always been this way. There was definitely a time when i was a cry baby.. i mean maybe i was a crack addict cry baby that morphine didn't work on.. but at least emotionally i was a vulnerable feminine wuss that let people do things for me.. that would cry when i got hurt and build walls and beds of egg shells for my heart to remain boxed in by - easily broken.. easily replaced. I used to be normal. an emotional roller coaster. i used to be ok with being weak. Now i have a body-builder heart.
and you know when you get reallllly fit.. or realllllly skinny and its hard mentally to ever be anything else? Like once you hit that point of your peak.. anything else makes you feel inadequate and .. weak..? Once you build rock solid walls around your life.. and your heart.. and your mind... big thick sheets of concrete replaced by egg shells make you feel naked. Once you've been hurt.. you're determined to never be hurt again.

I look at vulnerability as a weakness. I blame our society - in part.

Look at the dumb dating games that we have to play in order to get into what we call 'functional relationships..'
When you start talking to someone - not even to the 'dating' phase yet.. you have to worry about seeming needy.. whiney.. too interested.. too invested.. too 'there for them'.. cuz then.. jelllooo.. you get 'stage 5 clinger status'. If you text someone back too quickly you're immediately ruled out because you seem desperate.. if you don't play 'hard to get' then you are walked all over and tossed out with the morning trash.

We all battle every day for the upper hand. My problem is that i can give advice to others all day and say 'dont do this'.. 'dont play games they're dumb'.. when in reality.. in life in GENERAL.. not just my love life.. if some sort of 'game' isn't played.. i act like every other tool out there and move right along!
We've been mentally conditioned to seek approval from those who dont give it easily..
we've been evolutionized into thinking that we have to put up with it.. and we feed each other the same crap. we're all eating off the same plate.. all drinking the same bong water.. and nobody will put a stop to it!

I look at people that have other people help them with their problems as incompetent. Any sign of weakness and i pity them for not having the b- guts to man up and handle their business.
I shut others out. i speak my mind. and i SUCK at being a chick.

i'm like the big robot monster on the Incredibles.. in the movie.. for all of you that are retarded and dont watch the best movies available.. this monster learns from each person it defeats. It gets stronger and stronger with each fall.. teaching itself how to never fall the same way twice.
I look at relationships that fail.. people that fail in areas of their lives.. and learn from them. teaching myself to never fall the way they fell. whether its to their hands and knees.. or in love.
There's enough disfunction in the world to keep me pretty daaang busy trying to fix myself into a bomb shelter thick environment so that nothing and no one will ever hurt me.

It would be really easy for me to go into a well known.. well rehearsed monologue that many dramatic girls give about.. be alone.. its easier.. or.. you're better off with out him.. whoever 'him' happens to be.. a boyfriend.. an ex.. a figure in your life that let you down.. a dream that got the best of you.. stand strong.. chicks rule.. pounding my chest with one hand.. other fist in the air.. with a girl-power t-shirt on..
I could tell you tough girls to never fall in love.
The ones that have trouble letting past relationships go because for some reason they eat pain with their cornflakes.. to just forget it.
I could tell you boys to avoid us chicks that vulnerability scares. That we're long lost hopeless cases.... hopelessly devoted to something that was never ours.

But i'm not going to.

We don't need to be alone.. we need someone tougher than us to come in with a bulldozer and force us to knock our dang bomb shelter walls down. We need to realize that sometimes bad things happen to good people.. and that not everything in life is our fault. Sometimes things just happen.
Some things happen that you're not SUPPOSED to fix. Some things go wrong that have nothing to do with your life.

I have a friend named Miranda that, like me, has an extremely high emotional pain tolerance level.
She has taken crap from the same guy for a year and a half. He hurts her.. she goes back for more.. he hurts her again.. she blames herself.. and goes back again.
She's like a boxer without gloves.. going into a ring with someone 3 times her weight class.. in heels.. getting WORKED.. rubbin some dirt in it.. and getting back in there for more. It's just illogical.
Miranda grew up with a mom that was tough as nails. Her shambled marriage affected miranda in the fact that she stuck with it for a while. Like Miranda.. she took the blows in the ring.. and ate pain for breakfast. Miranda was hand fed this mentality of love and slowly started building her own callus. 5 years ago.. her mom got divorced. Because of the scarlet D carved into her moms chest.. she too took a big red sharpie and drew one on her own.. thinking that all relationships in her life were bound to end the same way. She would take the pain.. handle life on her own.. never back down..make her own success.. be her own companion.. and come out a winner.

It doesn’t have to work that way. Dysfunction is not genetic. Vulnerability isn't bad.
Just because we will do it ourselves.. doesn't mean we WANT TO... men! are you listening?!

Just because we've built these walls ready for the atomic bomb doesn't mean we don't wanna snuggle inside of them! We want to be loved and held and treated like a woman the same way a whiney.. needy.. vulnerable chick does!

I know i talk to a very select group when i address chicks that suck at being chicks...
but girls... if you're listening.. reading.. whatever.. please take this into consideration.

Everything that has broken you down.. broken your spirit.. and made you build this callus towards men and towards love.. let them make you better.. and stronger.. not tougher.
Don't be a wall that no one can break down. Don't shut off those feelings. and don't look at femininity as a weakness.
Men fill their roll. and as women we fill ours. As much as i try and avoid it.. i want to be taken care of. I want to be the chick in a relationship. i want that state of the art emotional security system on my heart.

Cuz break it down...

When it comes down to it.. when you actually GET in a relationship with someone.....
would you rather have someone needy? or distant?
Would you rather have someone that WANTED to talk to you all the time? or someone that could care less if you texted them back??
Do you really WANT the upper hand with your future relationships? This epic status and way of thinking that we've all strived to achieve and maintain is counterproductive and mind-screwing!!

You boys that think you want a tough chick... have made tough chicks out of wimps.. that are afraid to be anything but on their guard 24/7.

All we want to feel is secure. Emotional consistency is the key in providing that. Don't push your tolerance to a place where it will break you.. you don't have to see how much you can handle before it kills you. Admitting weakness is a very strong act.
Break down your own walls.. breach your own security system.. and invest in a emotional security system in another. Cuz the world is a screwed up place.. and nobody should have to face it alone. - even if they think they want to.

Sorry for the saddness..
Until later xox
-callymon