.. Chasing Cars ..

Love is powerful. It's a creator, destroyer, confuser, clarifier.. it makes everything fall apart and come together at the same time. Such a powerful emotion has the ability to change anything and anyone. Love in itself can be a complete road block on a sought after path, it can take your plan...throw it out the window..and form a new one.
If we had a pyramid of emotion,love would be on the top.. and the bottom. It's the foundation of life and reason.. and its also the frosting on the cake that everybody wants. It's what is instilled in us from birth.. and brought out...strengthened.. and perfected through extraordinary circumstances and people. It doesn't have to make sense... its love. It doesn't have to be fair.. and rarely ever is. It has no regard for 'bad timing' or what you think you're supposed to feel.. it just IS.
It's unreasonable in the fact that without it... there's no REASON for anything.
Through reason and logic.. you'll come up with answers.. but without love.. you can come up with the wrong ones.
Reason leads to conclusion.. but it's emotion that leads to action. Even if that action is paralyzation.
All is fair in love and war right..?
well. unfortunately this post isn't focusing on the love part of the equation... We're going up a level on the pyramid of powerful emotions where we find the next 2 that.. along with love.. make up the 3 most powerful and motivating emotions available on the human emotional spectrum. Everything i just said about love applies to these emotions as well..however, these emotions unfortunately affect us just as powerfully.. in a negative way.
These emotions are Loneliness.. and Rejection.
They are both creators of pain and confusion.. clarifiers of your true strength and humanity.. they make everything fall apart.. and come together at the same time.. They can be a complete road block on a sought after path.. and they can take your reason and logic.. and throw them out the window.

Mother Teresa said that, "Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty."

"blessed are the curious for they shall have adventures." -lovelle drachman

Curiosity has brought us many incredible discoveries.
its cured illness.. landed us on the mooon.. created a way to get tan without the sun.. you know.. the big stuff..so in general.. curious people are adventurous people.. like the lovely Drachman said. People who wonder what things are like generally have the guts to find out. and.. in the process of seeking answers to questions.. they find their wildest adventures.
Alright. Riddle me this one Love-man. You never know unless you try? uh. how about curiosity killed the freakin cat.?!
When it comes to love....( mm hmm.. Big L stuff..).. are you the wildest explorer discovering new worlds and comin out on top with medals and states named after you.. or are you the cat that got curious and jumped off the cliff cuz tweetie bird did it and lived..?

I hate the dark. I am terrified of snakes. i'm scared of spiders. And the thought of being heartbroken makes me huddle into the fetal position.
Some are afraid of heights. Some are afraid of emotion in general.
Most people claim that they're afraid of love.
But when added up and stripped down.. heartbreak.. emotion.. love.. none of these things are reallllly the core issue. These things alone don't scare us.
The real fear here is loneliness. The fear of being or ending up alone.
Mother Teresa once said that "The greatest disease of the West today isn't tuberculosis or lepracy.... it's loneliness."
We stay far away from anything that we could potentially catch this contagious epidemic from.. in fear that..once exposed..it might be uncurable. That instead of being treated for it.. we'll be left to die.. and our bodies will be burned like they did with the plague. No love doctor has advanced enough technology or a big enough band-aid to relieve us of emptiness.

Loneliness can drive us to do crazy irrational things.. it can push us in unintended directions.. and it definitely can paralyze us past the point of disfunction.

Loneliness has killed.. driven people mad.. and kept people from well deserved happiness.
Man wasn't meant to be alone. thats why its a crock of crap when anyone says they dont want a relationship...
no. retard. you just want several.

One of my favorite people from my home ward was an older woman named Ruth. Ruth used to sit with me after our church meetings and tell me her wild stories about when she was my age and what a betty she was.
Her and her husband George had been married for 48 years. They met in highschool.. where she "made him chase her around like a puppy for 2 years until she would go with him".. But when they finally got together.. they never spent a day apart. They were married at 20. The funny part about it.. she would say.. was that growing up he always had called her 'sis' so she never thought of him as a boyfriend or someone she would go steady with. luckily he pulled his head out and saw what was in front of him.. and she 'did him a favor and married him'.
After 48 years of waffles and peanut butter for breakfast, tuesday drives, sunday walks around the block, and their weekly saturday chocolate banana shake - 2 straws.. complete with holding hands, snuggling on porch swings, and obviously people basking in their perfect story book old-people love that was THE most adorable thing on the face of the planet... George died of a sudden and unexpected stroke.
After the funeral i went to visit Ruth where.. even in a few days time.. she had aged tremendously. The once bubbly feisty lady that told of her trouble making days, was now this old woman in front of me.. sunken in a chair.. unaware of the things going on around her.
The ladies in our ward stocked her fridge with peanut butter and eggos.. offered to take her on walks.. and tried to visit as much as possible.. but every time we came over.. she sat in George's chair and focused on answering our questions.
5 months after George died.. healthy.. never had a health problem.. was gonna live to 120 Ruth.. followed him.
In the autopsy report, the doctor had no explanation to 68 year old Ruth that passed in her sleep. She had simply died of a broken heart. Her loneliness had consumed her.. until she finally joined her lost sailor at sea in the life after.


I feel like loneliness is very misunderstood.
When i lived in Texas.. i explored the difference between loneliness.. and being alone.
I was literally alone allll the time.. because i knew like 4 people in the state. But loneliness wasn't what i was constantly feeling. When i got lonely.. that was when i needed a pick-me-up-make-out-with-a-hot-guy moment. which definitely happened. but being alone didn't drive me to constant booty calls with dudes i met at walmart... It brought out times of curiosity and self discovery that were much needed at that time in my life. I was left to explore my own thoughts and wander in my wonder. But it didn't necessarily drive me crazy.
was it weird? yes. was it bad? no.
I equate loneliness to emptiness.. and being physically alone didn't make me feel empty.. it just made me feel alone.

There are people that loneliness is such a scary word.. that they don't even go to the bathroom alone in fear of massive earth quakes that could separate lovers. these are the people that you swear are dating one person.. and 10 minutes after they supposedly 'broke up' with this person.. they're in a new legitimate relationship..that they dub as 'wayy serious'..with someone else.... so basically these people are on crack. and have serious co-dependency issues. They love love. not people. they want to avoid emptiness.. so they fill their cup with whatever is available.

My friend Darcy wants a boyfriend SO.DANG.BAD.
It's all she talks about. thinks about. dreams about. it consumed her life. and the lives of all her friends that she guilt trips into setting her up with every boy they know.
We figured we'd have a single summer full of fun girls nights and finding boys that are nonexistent.. and she bailed. HARD. she heard the word single and ran for the hills!
All she wants is a relationship. Someone to fill the void that fills her.
She's beautiful.. she's smart. she's funny. she's not entirely crazy.. she has everything going for her.. so we can't figure out.. if she wants a boyfriend so bad.. then why doesn't she have one by now?
Her booty-call speed dial is the last 2 months of her call log.. and if she doesn't have a date every other day.. she has an anxiety attack.
remember how i said not ENTIRELY crazy..?
She's so focused on finding a husband.. that she's not taking the time to SEE a husband.
She wants so badly to be in a relationship.. that she doesn't take the time to settle into anyone or anything before she's on to the next thing.
She's filling her lonely disease with a placebo pill of instant gratification and only making herself sicker.
She's afraid of being alone.

Not gonna lie. i share Darcy's desire to have a boyfriend. but because i want one.. i dont want to get one.. just to have one. thats dumb.
She.. and I.. need to push off the lonely bug and everything will work out.
i'm convinced that the second Darcy DOESNT' want a boyfriend.. she'll get one.

Me and D suffer from different challenges..
i suffer from the 'fine how are you' disease.
How many times a day to we walk around to random strangers and say 'hey how are ya?'.. good how are you? good.'
This is the most unnecessary.. unproductive conversation of our day.

Think about this.
If you were to ask all of these people how they were.. and they were to answer you honestly.. you would think they were on drugs.
"Hey how are ya?"
".. ya know.. i've been feeling really sad because me and my boyfriend broke up and i'm fighting with my mom and my dog died and my parrot flew out the window this morning.. its been rough.. so i'm just under the weather.. not really up for anything exciting.."
uuh.. ok check out lady at Kroger... i'll take my groceries and go now.. i was just being polite you freak.

And when they don't feel up to par.. they feel like they need to explain themselves.. usually they go to the path of least resistance/controversy/the quickest way to end a convo....'i'm sick'.. seeeee yaaa.


Something that i'll confess that i shouldn't?
I think i'm sick all the time when i'm sad. or angry. or sad. or.. sad.
i can explain that i have a migraine much easier than I can explain some dumb emotion that even i dont understand.. so i stick with the 'fine how are you' disease.
if they had an 800mg sadness pill.. do you know how many cupboards would be FILLED with it?!

I like being tough. i dont like showing vulnerability.. or emotion.. or sadness. and so.. 'i'm fine how are you?'

Loneliness is feared so much that people would rather never love than love and get hurt.. or they're like Darcy.. and they love LOVE so much that they aren't ok alone.. ever!

This fear of loneliness leads to irrational behavior.. creating emotions that aren't as strong as we think.
Loneliness causes irrational behavior.. but its more of a passive irrationality. The person you are affecting in your lonely rant.. is yourself. for example.. bootycalls. who are you hurting here..? you. (wellll.. depending on how you look at it... either you.. or nobody at all).. if it makes you irrationally clingy... you are hurting yourself. If it drives you completely mad to the point of stalking... you need help. YOU need help. .. and once again the person you're hurting..and affecting.. is yourself.

Now we get to the last emotion in our powerful emotion trifecta.. Rejection.
Rejection is the most motivating of the 3...
It's the hardest to get over... the hardest to deal with.. and the most complicated.

rejection fuels a certain kind of fire in us that is addictive and destructive.
Every 'game' played in love feeds off of this fire.. the fear of rejection.. and the hard-to-deal-with state that being rejected puts someone in... the insecurities that rejection brings out and amplifies..and the attempt to hide the insecurities that are brought to the surface..

It's addictive in the fact that when someone is running away from you... you chase them.
Its destructive in that it builds love on the insecurities of someone.. if the love is ever built at all.. and its the hardest thing in the WORLD to get over!
Can you think of something worse than being unwanted?? no. it leaves you thinking that you weren't enough.. making you want to try harder.. thinking you can fix this rejected feeling by being better- or different.. when its the rejecTOR with the problem... NOT the rejectEE..

In an earlier post.. tool-mc-tool-face.. even said that to get a girl to fall for you.. you need to play them against each other.. make them compete for your affection.. these A-holes are playing into the ultimate fear of rejection.

My friend Ashley was in a Lizzie-Gordo relationship. Her and Tucker had been friends forever... when all the sudden it turned romantic one day. They kissed.. sparks flew.. and they declared their love for each other. i knoooww you want more details.. but this isn't the important part of the story... the REAL story starts after they started dating....
The one person that had known Ashley forEVER.. started telling her that he 'didn't love her and he didn't know why'... that he 'wanted to' but he just couldn't.
This started the fear-of-rejection-fire in Ashley and made her want to do everything in her power to 'help' tucker love her.
After dating for a couple months.. Tucker broke up with Ashley because he didn't want to be with her.. and ended this life-long friendship out of the blue.
Ashley felt more deeply rejected than she ever had been.. because Tucker knew everything about her.. and still he didn't want her. She felt like if HE couldn't love her.. NOBODY could..
After that Ashley built up her romantic feelings for Tucker in her mind to the ultimate extent... (in all honesty.. when they were IN the relationship.. we never really thought Ash was into it that way...but because he didn't WANT her... she sure as heck wanted him back!!)
They dated maaayybe 3 months.. before that she had had WAAAY longer relationships than that.. several were like year-long-loves... but she had never been rejected so badly.. making this heartbreak rank WAAAAY above the rest.

Why do we always want what we can't have? ... its this WEIRD rejection fire!!! i tell you!.. once it's started... its ADDICTING.. and DESTRUCTIVE!!!

We need to step back from this trifecta of powerful emotions and get them in check.
I kid you not.. no exaggeration.. they will completely run your life if you let them.
Fill your life with love.. you wont regret it.

Don't be afraid of loneliness.. its temporary. Don't let it lead you into rash relationships and pointless bootycalls.. assess the relationships that your constantly getting into... are the REAL-ationships? or something and someone filling a void in your life.

And finally.. avoid the feeling of rejection. I know you can't help or avoid rejection itself.. its actually pretty inevitable in this dumb dating game we're stuck in.. but don't let it run your life. if someone isn't smart enough to recognize how amazing you are.. don't be stupid enough to stay with them.. or to want them.. These dumb people that are messing with you are fueling your insecurities.. and using them against you to make you love them more.
As hard as it is... don't be the dog chasing the car.. cuz once you get it.. you wont want it! Run after something that runs along side with you.. not from you!

Don't be afraid to be curious.. but go for adventurous curiosity.. don't go jump off cliffs thinking your invincible.. be smart. recognize the wolves in sheeps' clothing.. and let LOVE be the only powerful emotional influence in your life.

until later!
xoxox
-Callymon