. Tool Time .

There are different levels of toolness..
You have baby tools.. like the mini screw drivers that come in nail kits that have flowers on them that you can use to fix a sewing machine or a hobbit's lawn mower.
Regular tools.. that have an average toolness about them.. saayy.. a monkey wrench. an average size monkey wrench..
Power tools... that have extra tool-like attributes.. a chain saw/ power drill..
and Tool boxes...that have ALL tool characteristics.. there is no hope for them.. put them in the shed. and lock the door.

Now today.. i'm gonna act like Tim the tool-man Taylor.
Tim.. deals with all sorts of tools. He can classify them.. categorize them.. break them.. name them.. and use them to allude to things inappropriately.

Duuudee... broo....... mannnnn......
It's time for you to take the tool test...

How to know if you (or the guy you're dating) is a tool.
Start with a points system... the higher your tool count... the more of a tool you are... grab a calculator..
Fair warning.. you may want to take this ALONE.. save yourself some embarrassment.. or not. whatever.

** to determine your start value.. take all the nick names you've been given in your life..
if any of them included 'lady killa'.. 'meatball'... 'duude bro fa sho'... or anything that ended in 'money'.. start at 10.
If in the last 24 hours you've said 'that's what she said' more than 4 times... start at 5 (this is less because lets be honest... a few 'thats what she said' moments are necessary)

1. If you are a guy that should CLEARLY wear a Large shirt.. but you wear a medium because "the store was out of them".. add 6 points.
2. If you care more about what you look like than all the girls you went to high school with... add 5 points.
3. If you take longer than 20 minutes to get ready WITH a shower... add 6 points.
4. If you can name a whole group of friends that you've made out with.. add 10 points.
5. If none of the girls KNOW you've kissed the rest of their friends.. first off.. props to you you tool.. add a gold star.. and 5 points.
6. If you go tanning because the ladies love it.. add 5 points.
7. If you lie to girls for any reason at all.. add 15 points.
8. If you are dating more than 1 girl at a time because you don't know what you want.. add 4 points.
9. If you can flirt your way out of a ticket.. even with a dude cop.. add 6 points
10. If you call your girlfriend "Bro".. "dude".. "man".. "buddy".. or "homie"... add 10 points
11. If you wont hold the girl's hand your dating in front of other people because you think it closes your dating doors to other hot chicks there... add 15 points.. you tool
12. If you have a section in your phone you know you can booty call at ANY time.. send the girls my way to get some sense knocked into them.. and add 5 points (it's a low number cuz hey.. we all got needs!)
13. If you are trying to kiss and date as many girls as you can cause 'practice makes professional'... add 10 points.
14. if you rock out to Miley Cyrus.. for ANY reason... add 6 points.. commmmonnnn mannnn
15. If you pop your collar.... add 15 points. and go back to Jr High
16. If you facebook message random hot girls and ask them out.. 'hey you're cute.. we should go out sometime'.. add 6 points.
17. If you put the 'w' in 'dawwwg'.. add 4 points.
17.5 If you say 'dawwg'.. add 4 points.
18. If you would rather play black ops for 3 hours than spend those same 3 hours with a beautiful girl.. add 10 points.
19. If you've ever stopped making out to answer the phone... add 10 points.
20. If you text other girls when you're on a date.. that YOU asked the chick out on.. add 7 points.. retard.
21. If 'that's hot' makes a regular appearance in your conversations.. add 6 points.
22. If you just bought a new car cause you think it will get you more bootay... add 10 points
23. If you hate on Justin Beiber in public so you're not thought of as a sissy.. but secretly listen to him in your car cuz you love the color purple.. add 10 points
24. If you own more designer jeans than your girlfriend.. add 5 points
25. If you wont date a girl unless she owns more designer jeans than you.. add 10 points.
26. If you make fun of girls to get a laugh out of your buddies.. add 10 points
27. If you know something is hurting a girl you're dating.. and you do it anyway.. add 15 points.. you disgusting tool
28. If you wear the elastic headbands on your head.. add 7 points.. fyi.. you look retarded
29. If you straighten.. perm... or spend more than 30 bucks on a hair cut.. add 10 points
30. If you've ever said 'i'm trying to love you.. really hard'.. add 15 points.. apparently this happens a lot? you boys.. i swear.. wtf?
31. If you wont tell your mom you love her in front of people.. add 20 points.
32. If you hire kids.. or use your sibling's kids to make girls fall for you.. add 7 points.. (if your intentions are pure its adorable.. if not.. you're retarded.)
33. If you go to the gym because the mirrors are bigger there.. add 10 points
34. If you have a 'pick up lines' app.. 'see if you're a good kisser' app.. or 'how to do the perfect fo-hawk' app.... add 12 points
35. If you've named any part of your body.. add 12 points.. you weirdo
36. If you've ever honked.. or texted a girl 'hey.. i'm here'.. you should be shot.. add 15 points
37. If you're on a date.. and your date goes to the bathroom.. and you proceed to get the waitress's number... who are you!? .. add 10 points.
38. If you own a larger than average size truck.. add 5 points
39. If you wear anything bedazzled or gaudy add 25 points. This includes jeans with nasty pockets, Ed hardy, affliction..etc.
(addition made by the lovely Eliza)

Total toolness: 353.

0-150 : acceptable.. still attractive toolness... 150-300: Toolbox material... 300+: past the point of no return..

Care to redeem yourself? Need some bonus points to lower your number a little bit?
fiiine. cuz i'm such a nice person... you may use these "attractive points" to lower your tool status.

* many times confidence and cockiness are confused. If a guy is genuinely a confident person its SUPER attractive. who wants an insecure fool? nobody. However, we draw the line at obnoxious.. and if you don't know where that line is... it's not like the polar-express bell.. that if you don't believe.. you wont hear it and it doesn't apply to you... if you fail to recognize the line that many tools cross.. then duh.. you're a tool..
** so.. If you're a CONFIDENT man. that handles his business and has his crap together.. add 10 attractive points (subtract 10 points from your tool score)

* Times of flyin solo are BOUND to be accompanied by some form of dating and kissing around. Duh. that's WHY you're single. Doing it in a respectable manner.. kissing girls you're interested in other than just a bootay smack with a face that you don't care to look at and a personality that is irrelevant.. not ok. Many people kiss lots of people because they're exploring options with pure intent of finding someone they're compatible with.. this is attractive.. add 10 attractive points (subtract 10 from your tool score)
* if you don't get the attractive points on this one cuz you're a tool that just likes to get down.. add 5 more tool points retard.

Like i said.. there are many different levels of toolness.. find your place in the shed.

This will most likely be a double-post day. so stay tuned.
Until laterrrr
xoxo
-Callymon