.. FWB ..

Classifications generally go from bigger categories to smaller ones. The bigger ones covering a wide variety of things related only by general characteristics.. and the smallest ones getting into the most miniscule details.. forming much smaller groups.
When asked to define something.. a smaller classification is necessary in order to get a distinct impression of what you are specifically defining.
When a friend you met on a study abroad asks about the person you're dating.. you can start with general categories.. and move your way into the tiny categories that only your bf or gf would fit into..
Human being --> Boy --> attractive boy --> attractive athletic boy --> attractive athletic boy with blonde hair --> attractive athletic boy with blonde hair that's not a total tool box --> (this cuts the category down significantly).. attractive athletic boy, blonde hair, not a total tool box, named John, with great teeth, great kisser, knows how to handle his business, and expert cuddler... now they have a sense of who this guy is.

So.. for all tense and purposes.. alright no.. for my own pleasure and sanity.. and entertainment.. we're going to skip the ridiculously broad classification of "acquaintance" and start off our classifying with "FRIENDS"... obviously of the opposite sex.

This is the Callymon Dictionary addition 2011

Someone who is in the 'Friends' category:
1. Someone you enjoy being with/ spending time with..
2. Someone you confide in..
3. Someone you're comfortable with..
4. Someone who's opinion you value..
5. Someone with shared interests..

When out with this person you each pay for your own activities..
You introduce them as 'John'.. you don't even think to emphasize the words 'MY FRIEND John' because you've never thought of them as anything other than a friend and you would expect everyone around you to assume that you're just friends.
Zero sexual chemistry.
No cuddling.
No holding hands.
No 'shoulder to cry on'.. they have a couch to cry on.. while they tell you what a douche bag that guy that just broke up with you is.. they threaten to break his legs.. but you don't 'cry on their shoulder'.. you cry at a distance.
They're 'there for you'.. but they're not afraid to tell you to get over it.

Basically a 'friend' of the opposite sex by my definition.. is someone you're not physically attracted to. These are your ugly friends... Your 'sweet spirit' friends... The ones that you're friends with cuz their personality ROCKS!
They usually always have something funny to say.. they know how to cheer you up.. and they're great to have around in case you need an honest opinion of how big your butt REALLY looks in those jeans you just bought..
You can count on these 'friends' for JUST about anything..

Now we go a bit narrower..

'Friends that you would slay.. but you keep at arms length':

These friends are the attractive friends.. that are nutzo.. or crazy beyond your taste.
You guys would never click.. because of retarded personality differences that you both recognize.
This primary physical attraction is allowed in this category.. duh.. you're allowed to recognize beauty.. but that's it.
They're the friends you hook your room mates up with.
No cuddling.
No holding hands.
You cry on their shoulder and connect in moments of vulnerability.. but not the kind of connection that would lead to you anything. Just good ol' fashion bonding.. verifying the fact that you have an excellent - attractive friend that you need to find someone just SWELL to be with.
All the good stuff from the previous classification apply.. the common ground.. the way you enjoy spending time with them.
When you go out you still pay separately..
But these are the friends that.. when people ask.. you definitely emphasize that .. 'this is MY FRIEND John..' or even.. 'this is my CRAZY FRIEND John..'because people could definitely assume that you're a couple.. and you do NOT want them making THAT mistake..


All the good from the previous category makes its way into the next category as well.. leaving the bad.. and developing its own uncomfortable-ness.

'Friends that you would totally hook up with... but you just haven't' :
Like i said.. these friends have all the excellent traits of the friends from the last category.. they're attractive.. you confide in them..
You have to remember that as you go down the list onto narrower paths.. these people in the smaller groups we're classifying still have the true friendship qualities from the first group..
You still enjoy spending time with them..
You value their opinion..
You tell them everything... except maybe that you want to jump their bones.
These are the friends that when you go out.. occasionally a meal or a movie ticket is bought.. but when thanked you reply with... 'well duh.. we're best friends right? you can get the next one...'
You introduce them as just 'John' again... secretly HOPING that the friends you see think that you're a couple..
You have never really imagined an actual relationship with this person.. but you definitely would lock lips with them if the opportunity presented itself.. the opportunity being that if it didn't totally and completely jeopardize your friendship that you actually value!
The only reason you haven't kissed this person is that you're afraid it would come down to an either/or situation.. friend or hook up buddy.. and if you had to pick between the two.. no matter how good of a kisser they probably are.. the friendship trumps every time.
You occasionally cuddle while watching movies..
You don't hold hands..
You are each other's shoulders to cry on..
And you avoid moments of vulnerability all together because you KNOW how those will end every time..

Ok.. a whole page and several tangents later.. we're getting into the real meat and potatoes of this post... now we get to the actually complicated group..

'Friends with Benefits'
To be completely honest.. the only thing i can think of when it comes to FWB.. is this ideal for most people!
Think about it.. its the perfect relationship set up.. someone you enjoy doing absolutely everything with... you tell everything to.. you value their opinion.. but you're not afraid to tell them when they're being annoying..? Everything that you do with a best friend.. now add in a good ol fashion make out..?! The expectation is nonexistent.. so there's no jealousy.. no possessiveness.. you both completely do your own thing.. but you're always there when you need each other.. John pays for your meals but not because you expect him to or because he has to.. its only because he wants to..
You always bring money because you think every once in a while you should buy the movie tickets or the popcorn..
HELLO! Perfection! It's a committed relationship without the stress or constraints of the actual commitment.. This may just be my inner 'dude' comin out here but.. seriously! This would be the ideal college relationship..
The only problem? IT NEVER WORKS!
The problem with FWB is that.. sure it starts out being casual... you're best friends.. then you start makin out... then feelings get involved.. then all the sudden BAM.. you're in love.
This kind of relationship is ideal.. because it doesn't exist!
If you're best friends with someone.. and you're attracted to each other enough to be together... then duuh.. someday you're HOPEFULLY smart enough to pull your head out of your hiney and marry each other!
It only ends 2 ways... you get married.. or your you are dumb enough.. long enough.. to see someone else sweep them off their feet.. and then are forever stuck with the reality that you had them in the palm of your hand and you let them get away for a couple 'get out of jail free cards' of makin out with other people.

My friend Sarah just moved to a new city where she doesn't know a whole lot of people..
Because she didn't know anyone.. her parents had called a family friend that lived in the area and told them that sarah had just moved there and asked them to help her move in. Sarah had known the Jones family when she was younger.. but hadn't seen them in 8 years..
The Jones family had a son that was 5 years older than Sarah that she had had a crush on all those years ago.. but had all but forgotten about until he showed up on her door step to help her move some heavier boxes..
Walker was attractive.. definitely not as attractive as Sarah had remembered him being.. but he was alright..
Walker.. however.. had only remembered Sarah as a little girl.. so when this 21 year old answered the door.. he fell in love.
Walker and Sarah stared spending time together when sarah wasn't working.. and walker wasn't in school.. because.. again.. sarah didn't know anyone. and their friendship began to grow.
After a month of being there.. they had definitely become best friends. they did everything together! Because Sarah is a girl.. and she lived by herself.. Walker would check up on her all the time to 'make sure she was alive' .. as he told her.. but really, he just wanted to see her more.
Walker was dating tons of girls that he would talk about with Sarah.. getting the 'inside scoop' from a chick's perspective.. and Sarah would go on dates with Guys she met in her singles ward that she would laugh about with Walker and he would tell her what was wrong with them..

One day.. after seeing a movie together.. walker was driving sarah home and could tell that something was bugging her.
After prying it out of her 20 minutes.. and almost all the way to her apartment later.. she told him that she had just talked to her ex boyfriend Mark.. and that he told her he was moving.. and he was only going to be 30 minutes away from her.
She was upset because the break up hadn't ended well.. and she was afraid that out of convenience she was bound to get back with him.. just because he was there.
At this point they pulled into Sarah's apartment complex and walker was walking her home..
When they got to her door.. he said he was sorry.. and that she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to.. that if this tool box had broken her heart.. that she should keep him out of her life no matter where he lived.. and obviously he was a jerk for ever letting her go.. he kissed her on the cheek like he had so many times before.. and then lingered. SOMETHING was in the air.. they looked at each other.. kind of laughed.. and then BAM. first kiss. door step. made out. in the star light. it was AWESOME.
The next day.. they decided that this arrangement was going to work for both of them.. they were too busy for relationships.. and they spent all their time together anyway.. so FWB it would be..
no hard feelings.. Walker could still date other girls.. Sarah could still date other guys.. but now when they saw each other.. making out wasn't totally out of the question. in fact.. it was usually included in their days together at some point..

Walker started to fall harder and harder for Sarah.. but didn't want to say anything because it could jeopardize their friendship...
Sarah.. was grateful for the lack of commitment in the relationship.. not too long ago she had just gotten out of the relationship with Mark.. and it was an UGLY break up situation.. she wasn't looking for anything more than a friend and some space to think in this big new city.

.. lets just put on the record that i told you so.. k? FWB is impossible to keep up.

This wonderful relationship.. or whatever it was.. was great for a couple months. It was the ideal situation.. like i said.
Then. the catastrophic beyond traumatic most ridiculous thing happened.

One night while watching a movie.. Walker leaned over and kissed Sarah. nothing out of the ordinary.. they kissed for a minute and out of walkers mouth popped the words 'i love you sarah'..
WOOOOOOAAAAHHH BRO. ba-ah-ck UP! now. WHAT?!
Sarah just stopped. 'What?' was all she could say for LITERALLY 10 seconds. 'haha no you don't you weirdo' was the next sentence spoken..
As they both tried their best to pretend like it didn't happen.. lines had been crossed.. walls had been broken down.. rules had been shattered.. and WHAT THE CRAP WERE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO NOW!

They didn't talk for a week.
In this week.. Sarah had talked to her mom who mentioned a job offer back home for the summer that wanted her to start immediately.. she said that she could get her a flight home in the next couple days if she could get packed up in time.
She would be gone for 2 months and then obviously go back.. so she could leave most of her stuff.. and just take her clothes..
After the events that happened.. sarah thought this might be the best thing.
She left with out even saying goodbye to walker.

Walker obviously heard about her move from his parents the next week and didn't even know if he should call sarah.. things had ended so weird the last time he saw her.. and all because they decided they wanted to make out occasionally.. because 'IT WOULD NEVER BE WEIRD..' cuz 'they were SUCH good friends.. how COULD it be?!'... what had they done?!

At the end of the 2 months.. Sarah flew back. Went to her deserted apartment.. and found a note.
'we need to talk.. call me.. - W'
She called him.. he picked her up.. and they went on the most awkward drive of their lives.
They tried to make small talk for like 20 minutes til finally Walker grew some guts and confronted her... 'you didn't even say goodbye'... 'i know.... i couldn't'... she said.
He continued to confess his love for her and tell her that the friendship they once had would never be the same.. he cared too much about her.. and if she felt the same he was willing to put all of his dumb commitment issues they had once laughed about aside and he would give this a REAL chance..
Before he could even finish.. Sarah interrupted him.. telling him that the 2 months she spent away from him had just made her realize that she wanted to be with him.. and that being his friend was never gonna be enough again..

it's been 6 months since this happened...
They're getting married in 2 weeks.

You can fool yourself into thinking that YOU'RE the exception to this rule..
Go ahead.. try out the FWB thing.. i DARE you to think that it'll work!
But in the end.. you'll be writing me an email much like the one i got from Sarah.. and i'll be blogging about your unsuccessful FWB attempt that ended in marriage.

All love is built on friendship.
If you find yourself having feelings for your best friend... ooooooo you in troooouble!
because through friendship.. you find people that you're compatible with.. and through that compatibility comes love. the kind of love built on a friendship that can't be broken.

Friends with benefits = a love that you're putting on hold until you can both get over your dumb commitment issues and be with each other..
The alternative? BE TOGETHER!! just be accepting of each other's busy schedules and don't get all freaky-new relationship- needy - clingy- psycho-ess..
If all you need is a make out buddy.. the best place to look is probably not the person sitting next to you the majority of your time.. because kiss them.. i dare you.. see what happens..
and then email me when i'm right.

FWB is just LITM.. love in the making.

until later
xoxo
-Callymon