..Timing is everything..

Time is something that i believe nobody really understands.
A tomato if picked too early is green and tastes like crap..
A tomato if picked too late.. is mushy and.. tastes like crap.
But if picked at the right TIME... they're delicious.
A banana.. for those of us that hate tomatoes.. Is green early.. brown too late.. but yummy when eaten at the right time!
Niiiiice and yellow.
Old soda gets flat... Aged wine gets better..
Some people grow OUT of awkward ugly phases.. and some get uglier as time goes on...

Life is crazy. And life is short. When you realize both of these things - you go about things differently..
As i sit here at 2am watching Criminal Minds til my eyes bleed.. i can't avoid the feeling of being rushed.
Its like my life is a treadmill on full blast.. and i'm trying to keep up with it.. but all my legs will do is walk... Like my heart is on speed trying to keep up with my mind.. as my mind tries to keep up with my agenda..
It's a weird feeling being 20 and feeling like i'm running out of time to do everything in my life that i want to. Time is of the essence.. things need to be taken care of immediately.. now as soon as i figure out what to do.. I'll get right on it.

Timing of things is crucial in every area of our lives.
It's hard enough to wrap your head around this topic individually.. now add another person that's supposed to fit into the same time frame.. with the same needs.. same mind set.. and same agenda as far as progression goes..
If you've ever wondered why relationships and dating are so dang complicated.. look at that alone and you'll get it.
Some people are getting OUT of relationships.. while others are ready to form new relationships..
Agendas will always be different - even with gender aside - people in general want different things at different times.
This lovely concept of time will haunt and destroy you if you don't understand it and cater to it and it alone.

In the pre-dating phase of love, you have to be sensitive to the alarms, timers, clocks, and expectations that you've set right from the get go.
Girls aren't crazy. Boys make girls crazy.
If you start out texting a girl once a week.. occasionally sneaking in a 'this reminded me of you'.. or 'look how funny this is..' convo... and then you wait a little longer than a week between texts.. most likely she'll be fine.
It's not the end of the world because the expectation has been set.. and girls aren't crazy.
We know that people have lives - that they get busy and complete consistency is an unrealistic request - so we're flexible. Plus.. we get that you boys have your whole dumb 'hard to get' stuff too. We'll give you a little lee-way before crossing you off..
But if you start out texting a girl every day.. or every HOUR.. and then all of the sudden she doesn't hear from you for 2 days.. the only thing going through her mind is.. SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG. which is understandable.
You set this alarm to go off in her mind ever hour.. she's been snoozing it for 2 days?! Do you have any idea how annoying an alarm that's been 'snoozed' 48 times is? My sister sure does.. i have to set like 6 alarms just to get up in the morning.. she wants to KILL ME!

As far as 'natural progression' goes.. you're screwing with it! You wouldn't want to climb a latter and have steps taken out from under you as you go farther up.. you wouldn't want to text every day and then slowly move to texting once a week... that timing would be whack. where would you be going in your relationship? nowhere! backwards if anything!

My friend Kaelee just started hanging out with this guy Mitch. The first week Mitch pursued Kae like man on a mission. He would text her all the time.. they hung out every night.. went on a date that weekend.. took drives.. it was fantastic. He handled his persistance with such swag she thought,'wow. finally a guy that knows what he's doing.. not comin on too strong.. but not playing dumb mind games.. he's just makin it happen!' woot woot for Mitch. snaps for him.
So the next week.. they text like every other day.. which was understandable cuz they were both in school.. but Kae was still a little peeved. These 'alarms' were going off.. and she was doing her best to handle the 'snoozing' process..
After not hearing from him 2 days in a row.. and him standing her up on a date.. she decided to say something. She asked him if there was a reason that they were talking less..and he had blown her off.. to which he replied.. 'i feel like i'm checking in with you.. you don't need to know what im doing every hour of the day do you..? And about the date.. i'm sorry.. i just forgot.'..
First off.. Mitch. we take our snaps back.. add 20 tool points for the 'check in comment' and 40 more for standing her up.. retard.
Second.. Nobody just sets up a date and 'forgets'..
and Third.. there's a difference between checking in and checking up..
Checking In is an insecure relationship need from people that are possessive, jealous, and controlling. Nobody should have to 'check in' with anyone else for a relationship to function properly.
I don't text people back.. is suck at it tremendously. "What's up.." "nm u?".. "nm" is not a conversation i want to have 9 times a day.. If you have a question.. Ask it. If you want to hang out.. Say that. Pointless conversations don't realllly happen on my phone.. they're usually very one sided.
I don't "Check in"... i don't see the legitimate need of giving someone i'm dating a play by play of..
'Baaabbee.. What are you doing NOW..?!' ....
'Well... 5 minutes ago i told you i was driving home from provo.. i dont own a hovercraft.. i'm still.. driving home from provo....'
.. 'I'm still in the same hour long class that i was 20 minutes ago when i told you class just started....'
This relationship? wont last long. The art of conversation has been LOST with our generation! Hence.. checking in.
'now i'm talking to a the boy at the check out stand at the grocery store.. don't worry hun.. you're WAAAY cuter than he is! and his pecks are TOTALLY smaller..'
Get out of this relationship for the sake of puking people everywhere!

Checking UP.. however.. is 'how's your day been' .. 'what are you up to'.. showing a general concern for the other's well being. It also includes the general mutual respect of informing someone of what you're doing.. for example shooting them a text that's like.. 'Hey i'm going to my lab for the next 4 hours.. i'll text you when i'm out..'
This general mutual respect is laid out and puts a foundation for a secure and comfortable relationship to form. If you inform someone on what you're doing.. without feeling like you're 'checking in'.. they feel like you want them as a part of your life. That way when you ARE busy.. the person understands. When they DON'T hear from you for a couple hours.. or days.. they know 'hey.. they must be in class..or studying for finals and THAT'S why i haven't heard from them' instead of... 'OMG.. I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM IN 10 MINUTES.. HE'S TOTALLY CHEATING.. HE'S NOT EVEN INTO ME.. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I'M TOTALLY OVER THE WHOLE SITUATION!! WHAT A JERK!'..
Communication is key.. all drama and craziness can be easily avoided.

Guys.. you set these alarms right off the bat. It's your fault these poor girls go crazy!
How frequent you set the alarms to go off tells us how interested and invested you are in being with us...
If you're busy.. but you start off a relationship with the.. 'hey im super busy but i want to talk to you every second i can!' vibe.. that's SEXY. We respect that.. and we get stolked when you text us.. even if its every couple days!
If you start the SAME relationship off with.. a text a week.. and the 'eh.. i'll get around to talking to you when i have the time' vibe... our mind wanders.. and we don't even take you seriously. There are boys that WANT to talk to us every. single. day... we're gonna pay more attention to the pursuers.

You set an alarm and then make us snooze it? Snooze you lose boys.

There are myths that we as the female species feed into.. that we shouldn't.
Such as:
Myth: All men are conniving deceiving pieces of crap.
Reality: Men just think that they do nothing wrong.

Back to Kaelee and Mitch.. Turns out at the same time the texting amount decreased.. Mitch had started hanging out with Kae's NEIGHBOR Shelly. The night that Mitch stood Kaelee up for their date she saw Shelly walking home so they stopped and chatted for a while. Turns out.. she had been at Mitch's house!
For those of you that are a liiiiitle slow.. instead of going ON A DATE with Kaelee.. that HE had set up!.. he was 'hanging out' with Shelly!! And apparently they had been hanging out.. and making out.. at the same time he was trying to FORM A RELATIONSHIP with Kaelee.

Now.. all you girls are going to absolutely HATE me for a minute..
But. I know Mitch personally.. i KNOW what kind of a guy he is.. and i know he's quality.
Remember our swear word from 'Mirror Mirror'..? IGNORANCE. i swear it kills people EVERY TIME! This is where ignorance comes in. Mitch really TRULY thought he was doing nothing wrong by hanging out with Shelly. He hadn't taken her on any dates.. sure he was interested but he wasn't committed to Kaelee in any way.. He had no IDEA he was hurting her. His ignorance got the best of him. dummy.

Kaelee is the kind of girl that if there's communication.. she's cool with JUST about anything. If Mitch would've been up front with hanging out with shelly.. and not lied that he 'totally spaced' their date.. Kaelee would've taken their budding romance with a grain of salt. If he would've handled it differently it wouldn't have been so dramatic! But because he was so eager to share his feelings about liking Kae so much..and initially spending ALL his time with her.. only to back off in 3.2 seconds.. he just drove her MAD! He made her feel stupid.. which made him SERIOUSLY in the wrong. dummy.

He was insensitive to the timing of things.. if he would've taken his time with both situations.. he would've at least had a chance to come out with ONE of the two chicks.. but now.. because his timing sucked.. he's chick-less.

Now we've all been in relationships that 'the timing was off'..
What made it so 'off'?
Trying to get the 'timing' of situations right is like trying to play darts blindfolded.. everyone is going through a different phase in their life at different times.. and these phases form their agenda and identity for the time being.
Is 'timing' a big invisible body-guard lookin dude that comes in and screws with relationships? Does he drive the wedge between people.. making one of them want to date other people.. and the other only want to be with that one person? I blame him. We all do. Big T is screwing our love lives over!

Big T will ALWAYS interfere. The timing will NEVER be right if we sit back and wait for it to be! I've said before that everything happens for a reason... but YOU are the reason when you choose to act!! Timing can ALWAYS be wrong if you let it be! YOU are setting your own alarm clocks.. and the alarm clocks of those you're dating..
Time is of the essence.. Don't blow it.
Don't be afraid to MAKE THINGS HAPPEN! Don't be afraid of going too fast! And don't freak out when someone is taking their time! Sync up your clocks.. and then wake up to your FIRST alarm.
Grab a ten and hold on to them.. cuz life is short.. everyone's on a schedule.. everyone's clock is ticking their life away..
Stand up to Big T.. or he'll screw you over..
Cuz when you set alarms and then force someone to snooze them..
You snooze... you lose.

until later..
xoxo
- Callymon

.. FWB ..

Classifications generally go from bigger categories to smaller ones. The bigger ones covering a wide variety of things related only by general characteristics.. and the smallest ones getting into the most miniscule details.. forming much smaller groups.
When asked to define something.. a smaller classification is necessary in order to get a distinct impression of what you are specifically defining.
When a friend you met on a study abroad asks about the person you're dating.. you can start with general categories.. and move your way into the tiny categories that only your bf or gf would fit into..
Human being --> Boy --> attractive boy --> attractive athletic boy --> attractive athletic boy with blonde hair --> attractive athletic boy with blonde hair that's not a total tool box --> (this cuts the category down significantly).. attractive athletic boy, blonde hair, not a total tool box, named John, with great teeth, great kisser, knows how to handle his business, and expert cuddler... now they have a sense of who this guy is.

So.. for all tense and purposes.. alright no.. for my own pleasure and sanity.. and entertainment.. we're going to skip the ridiculously broad classification of "acquaintance" and start off our classifying with "FRIENDS"... obviously of the opposite sex.

This is the Callymon Dictionary addition 2011

Someone who is in the 'Friends' category:
1. Someone you enjoy being with/ spending time with..
2. Someone you confide in..
3. Someone you're comfortable with..
4. Someone who's opinion you value..
5. Someone with shared interests..

When out with this person you each pay for your own activities..
You introduce them as 'John'.. you don't even think to emphasize the words 'MY FRIEND John' because you've never thought of them as anything other than a friend and you would expect everyone around you to assume that you're just friends.
Zero sexual chemistry.
No cuddling.
No holding hands.
No 'shoulder to cry on'.. they have a couch to cry on.. while they tell you what a douche bag that guy that just broke up with you is.. they threaten to break his legs.. but you don't 'cry on their shoulder'.. you cry at a distance.
They're 'there for you'.. but they're not afraid to tell you to get over it.

Basically a 'friend' of the opposite sex by my definition.. is someone you're not physically attracted to. These are your ugly friends... Your 'sweet spirit' friends... The ones that you're friends with cuz their personality ROCKS!
They usually always have something funny to say.. they know how to cheer you up.. and they're great to have around in case you need an honest opinion of how big your butt REALLY looks in those jeans you just bought..
You can count on these 'friends' for JUST about anything..

Now we go a bit narrower..

'Friends that you would slay.. but you keep at arms length':

These friends are the attractive friends.. that are nutzo.. or crazy beyond your taste.
You guys would never click.. because of retarded personality differences that you both recognize.
This primary physical attraction is allowed in this category.. duh.. you're allowed to recognize beauty.. but that's it.
They're the friends you hook your room mates up with.
No cuddling.
No holding hands.
You cry on their shoulder and connect in moments of vulnerability.. but not the kind of connection that would lead to you anything. Just good ol' fashion bonding.. verifying the fact that you have an excellent - attractive friend that you need to find someone just SWELL to be with.
All the good stuff from the previous classification apply.. the common ground.. the way you enjoy spending time with them.
When you go out you still pay separately..
But these are the friends that.. when people ask.. you definitely emphasize that .. 'this is MY FRIEND John..' or even.. 'this is my CRAZY FRIEND John..'because people could definitely assume that you're a couple.. and you do NOT want them making THAT mistake..


All the good from the previous category makes its way into the next category as well.. leaving the bad.. and developing its own uncomfortable-ness.

'Friends that you would totally hook up with... but you just haven't' :
Like i said.. these friends have all the excellent traits of the friends from the last category.. they're attractive.. you confide in them..
You have to remember that as you go down the list onto narrower paths.. these people in the smaller groups we're classifying still have the true friendship qualities from the first group..
You still enjoy spending time with them..
You value their opinion..
You tell them everything... except maybe that you want to jump their bones.
These are the friends that when you go out.. occasionally a meal or a movie ticket is bought.. but when thanked you reply with... 'well duh.. we're best friends right? you can get the next one...'
You introduce them as just 'John' again... secretly HOPING that the friends you see think that you're a couple..
You have never really imagined an actual relationship with this person.. but you definitely would lock lips with them if the opportunity presented itself.. the opportunity being that if it didn't totally and completely jeopardize your friendship that you actually value!
The only reason you haven't kissed this person is that you're afraid it would come down to an either/or situation.. friend or hook up buddy.. and if you had to pick between the two.. no matter how good of a kisser they probably are.. the friendship trumps every time.
You occasionally cuddle while watching movies..
You don't hold hands..
You are each other's shoulders to cry on..
And you avoid moments of vulnerability all together because you KNOW how those will end every time..

Ok.. a whole page and several tangents later.. we're getting into the real meat and potatoes of this post... now we get to the actually complicated group..

'Friends with Benefits'
To be completely honest.. the only thing i can think of when it comes to FWB.. is this ideal for most people!
Think about it.. its the perfect relationship set up.. someone you enjoy doing absolutely everything with... you tell everything to.. you value their opinion.. but you're not afraid to tell them when they're being annoying..? Everything that you do with a best friend.. now add in a good ol fashion make out..?! The expectation is nonexistent.. so there's no jealousy.. no possessiveness.. you both completely do your own thing.. but you're always there when you need each other.. John pays for your meals but not because you expect him to or because he has to.. its only because he wants to..
You always bring money because you think every once in a while you should buy the movie tickets or the popcorn..
HELLO! Perfection! It's a committed relationship without the stress or constraints of the actual commitment.. This may just be my inner 'dude' comin out here but.. seriously! This would be the ideal college relationship..
The only problem? IT NEVER WORKS!
The problem with FWB is that.. sure it starts out being casual... you're best friends.. then you start makin out... then feelings get involved.. then all the sudden BAM.. you're in love.
This kind of relationship is ideal.. because it doesn't exist!
If you're best friends with someone.. and you're attracted to each other enough to be together... then duuh.. someday you're HOPEFULLY smart enough to pull your head out of your hiney and marry each other!
It only ends 2 ways... you get married.. or your you are dumb enough.. long enough.. to see someone else sweep them off their feet.. and then are forever stuck with the reality that you had them in the palm of your hand and you let them get away for a couple 'get out of jail free cards' of makin out with other people.

My friend Sarah just moved to a new city where she doesn't know a whole lot of people..
Because she didn't know anyone.. her parents had called a family friend that lived in the area and told them that sarah had just moved there and asked them to help her move in. Sarah had known the Jones family when she was younger.. but hadn't seen them in 8 years..
The Jones family had a son that was 5 years older than Sarah that she had had a crush on all those years ago.. but had all but forgotten about until he showed up on her door step to help her move some heavier boxes..
Walker was attractive.. definitely not as attractive as Sarah had remembered him being.. but he was alright..
Walker.. however.. had only remembered Sarah as a little girl.. so when this 21 year old answered the door.. he fell in love.
Walker and Sarah stared spending time together when sarah wasn't working.. and walker wasn't in school.. because.. again.. sarah didn't know anyone. and their friendship began to grow.
After a month of being there.. they had definitely become best friends. they did everything together! Because Sarah is a girl.. and she lived by herself.. Walker would check up on her all the time to 'make sure she was alive' .. as he told her.. but really, he just wanted to see her more.
Walker was dating tons of girls that he would talk about with Sarah.. getting the 'inside scoop' from a chick's perspective.. and Sarah would go on dates with Guys she met in her singles ward that she would laugh about with Walker and he would tell her what was wrong with them..

One day.. after seeing a movie together.. walker was driving sarah home and could tell that something was bugging her.
After prying it out of her 20 minutes.. and almost all the way to her apartment later.. she told him that she had just talked to her ex boyfriend Mark.. and that he told her he was moving.. and he was only going to be 30 minutes away from her.
She was upset because the break up hadn't ended well.. and she was afraid that out of convenience she was bound to get back with him.. just because he was there.
At this point they pulled into Sarah's apartment complex and walker was walking her home..
When they got to her door.. he said he was sorry.. and that she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to.. that if this tool box had broken her heart.. that she should keep him out of her life no matter where he lived.. and obviously he was a jerk for ever letting her go.. he kissed her on the cheek like he had so many times before.. and then lingered. SOMETHING was in the air.. they looked at each other.. kind of laughed.. and then BAM. first kiss. door step. made out. in the star light. it was AWESOME.
The next day.. they decided that this arrangement was going to work for both of them.. they were too busy for relationships.. and they spent all their time together anyway.. so FWB it would be..
no hard feelings.. Walker could still date other girls.. Sarah could still date other guys.. but now when they saw each other.. making out wasn't totally out of the question. in fact.. it was usually included in their days together at some point..

Walker started to fall harder and harder for Sarah.. but didn't want to say anything because it could jeopardize their friendship...
Sarah.. was grateful for the lack of commitment in the relationship.. not too long ago she had just gotten out of the relationship with Mark.. and it was an UGLY break up situation.. she wasn't looking for anything more than a friend and some space to think in this big new city.

.. lets just put on the record that i told you so.. k? FWB is impossible to keep up.

This wonderful relationship.. or whatever it was.. was great for a couple months. It was the ideal situation.. like i said.
Then. the catastrophic beyond traumatic most ridiculous thing happened.

One night while watching a movie.. Walker leaned over and kissed Sarah. nothing out of the ordinary.. they kissed for a minute and out of walkers mouth popped the words 'i love you sarah'..
WOOOOOOAAAAHHH BRO. ba-ah-ck UP! now. WHAT?!
Sarah just stopped. 'What?' was all she could say for LITERALLY 10 seconds. 'haha no you don't you weirdo' was the next sentence spoken..
As they both tried their best to pretend like it didn't happen.. lines had been crossed.. walls had been broken down.. rules had been shattered.. and WHAT THE CRAP WERE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO NOW!

They didn't talk for a week.
In this week.. Sarah had talked to her mom who mentioned a job offer back home for the summer that wanted her to start immediately.. she said that she could get her a flight home in the next couple days if she could get packed up in time.
She would be gone for 2 months and then obviously go back.. so she could leave most of her stuff.. and just take her clothes..
After the events that happened.. sarah thought this might be the best thing.
She left with out even saying goodbye to walker.

Walker obviously heard about her move from his parents the next week and didn't even know if he should call sarah.. things had ended so weird the last time he saw her.. and all because they decided they wanted to make out occasionally.. because 'IT WOULD NEVER BE WEIRD..' cuz 'they were SUCH good friends.. how COULD it be?!'... what had they done?!

At the end of the 2 months.. Sarah flew back. Went to her deserted apartment.. and found a note.
'we need to talk.. call me.. - W'
She called him.. he picked her up.. and they went on the most awkward drive of their lives.
They tried to make small talk for like 20 minutes til finally Walker grew some guts and confronted her... 'you didn't even say goodbye'... 'i know.... i couldn't'... she said.
He continued to confess his love for her and tell her that the friendship they once had would never be the same.. he cared too much about her.. and if she felt the same he was willing to put all of his dumb commitment issues they had once laughed about aside and he would give this a REAL chance..
Before he could even finish.. Sarah interrupted him.. telling him that the 2 months she spent away from him had just made her realize that she wanted to be with him.. and that being his friend was never gonna be enough again..

it's been 6 months since this happened...
They're getting married in 2 weeks.

You can fool yourself into thinking that YOU'RE the exception to this rule..
Go ahead.. try out the FWB thing.. i DARE you to think that it'll work!
But in the end.. you'll be writing me an email much like the one i got from Sarah.. and i'll be blogging about your unsuccessful FWB attempt that ended in marriage.

All love is built on friendship.
If you find yourself having feelings for your best friend... ooooooo you in troooouble!
because through friendship.. you find people that you're compatible with.. and through that compatibility comes love. the kind of love built on a friendship that can't be broken.

Friends with benefits = a love that you're putting on hold until you can both get over your dumb commitment issues and be with each other..
The alternative? BE TOGETHER!! just be accepting of each other's busy schedules and don't get all freaky-new relationship- needy - clingy- psycho-ess..
If all you need is a make out buddy.. the best place to look is probably not the person sitting next to you the majority of your time.. because kiss them.. i dare you.. see what happens..
and then email me when i'm right.

FWB is just LITM.. love in the making.

until later
xoxo
-Callymon

.. Mirror Mirror ..

If i were to write 2 books.. one on the complexity of Men in relationships.. and the other on the complexity of Women in relationships.. The one on men would be a pamphlet.. the one on women would be 7 volumes.. each about the size of an encyclopedia.
Both genders make the other out to be some grand mystery that will never be understood. We over analyze every movement.. when most of the time.. neither one of us has any idea what the heck we're doing anyway.

There are stereotypes for both genders that we feed into.. and myths that we take as gospel.
Women are stereotyped to be weak and fragile.... emotionally unstable.. and pmsing most of our lives. Men treat us like we have 'needy' or 'desperate' written across our foreheads.. and call us 'tom boys' or 'hard headed' when we don't embrace our inner damsel in distress.

Men.. are stereotyped as insensitive jerks that could care less about a woman's feelings unless he has an agenda with them involved.. which in that case he manipulates them into feeling certain ways for his benefit because.. low and behold we're NOT that hard to figure out and he knows EXACTLY what to say to get us to do certain things. We assume that they all use. abuse. hurt. deceive. lie. and are out to make our lives confusing and miserable.

Turns out we're both wrong.
Not all women are crazy emotional roller coasters..
and not all men are agenda driven tool boxes that care only about themselves.

The swearword of the day is 'ignorance'.. and both genders are full of it.
Girls... we give guys WAAAAY too much credit. They're waaaaayyy dumber than we think. Most of the time they have no idea we're even worried or thinking about what they've said or who they've looked at or how they acted. We're handing over complete control of our happiness to a species that has no CLUE what they're doing! They don't know what to say or do to make us happy.. unless we tell them.. and then when they figure it out we claim that they're 'trying to manipulate us'. They're NOT that complicated!

Guys.. you have to realize that.. we give you guys WAAAY too much credit. We invest all of our time and energy to make you notice us and to make you happy.. and then when you dont.. we get frustrated. and sad.
There's only so much a girl can do! We can put out the vibes.. try and make you love us.. but at the end of the day... YOU have to make it happen.. so WE are left at home.. staring at our phones.. praying for the telepathic skills necessary to get inside your head to make our phones buzz! You know if we call you you'll think we're clingy.. and there's no chance in CRAP that we're gonna ask YOU out.. we are powerless. and our happiness lies in your buffoonic hands for you to screw with and screw up.

Women..
We don't say what we mean.... expect men to know all of our favorite things.. we think they're SUPPOSED to decode us like we try and decode them. We try and set up all these lines for them to read between. We try and feel for the vibes they're sending out. We perfect the art of being coy and mysterious when in reality.. if you hit a guy with anything short of a semi-truck.. they're completely oblivious.

At the same time we're laying out this maze and puzzle of clues for them to follow.. we're reading into everything that they do.. decoding their nonexistent complexities.. and driving ourselves completely MAD trying to figure out 'where we stand' and what they're thinking!

The sad and awful truth? Guys. aren't. complicated.
If they want to make something happen... they make it happen. If they wanted to kiss you... they would kiss you. If they wanted to date you... they would pursue you. If they wanted to talk to you.. they would text YOU first.
The only time they send mixed signals is when they don't know what they want.. and they only send them until they figure out WHAT they want.. and then they make their motives clear!

The 2 sides of this that suck... are dealing with the Tool box... and the Nice guy..
With the tool box.. he'll text you.. talk to you.. and play what we call 'mind games' and he calls 'strategy' when he wants something.. a physical booty call.. emotional booty call.. an appropriate date for his brother's wedding.. whatever. And then once he's achieved his objective.. he moves on. BUT HE STILL MAKES WHAT HE WANTS TO HAPPEN.. HAPPEN! Tool or not.. he does what he's set out to do.

The nice guy.. is the worst.
These poor boys don't know they're leading us on because even when they lose interest they continue talking to girls and hanging out with them when.. they've lost interest..and changed sports all together!
Because we're females.. and we like to complicate things.. we read into their kindness as interest.. interpret their friendship as pursuit.. and most the time come out with our hearts broken.

In the movie 'he's just not that into you'.. they talk about 'rules' and 'exceptions'..
You have to assume that your relationship lies with the majority of the nonfunctional folk.. that your love life follows these 'rules'..
- that if he doesn't call you.. he doesn't want to talk to you.
- that if he doesn't say 'i love you'.. then he doesn't love you..
- if he doesn't kiss you.. then he didn't want to kiss you
- if he doesn't ask you out.. then he just wants to be your friend
- that if he THINKS he's not interested.. then.. HE'S NOT INTERESTED..
this isn't rocket science.
Very few times you come across a relationship that fits 'the exception'..
- that if he doesn't call you.. he lost his phone.. or he was waiting by his phone for YOU cuz he thought YOU weren't interested.. or he got abducted by aliens..
- that if he doesn't say 'i love you'.. its because he's scared.. he wants YOU to say it first.. or he thinks it'll drive you away.
- that if he doesn't kiss you.. its cuz his 'life is complicated' and the complexity overrides the drive to move in for the kill.. that he just ate pizza and doesn't want you to hate him... or he is concerned that he's bad at it.. ( lets be honest.. no guy thinks he's bad at kissing.. some SHOULD think they're bad.. but none of them do.. )
- that if he doesn't ask you out... he's too worried about damaging your friendship..? this is the only exception i can think of.
- that if he thinks he's not interested.. he's just not interested YET! .. or he really is but doesn't know it yet!!

As hopeful people.. we all want to be the exception. We all want to believe that if he's not calling.. its cuz he lost our numbers.. and that if he doesn't love us.. its just cuz he doesn't KNOW he does yet.. but the reality of the situation, however heartbreaking it may be... is that we need to gather up our sorry lives.. and move on from these boys not worthy of the worry.. tears.. and brain power we put into them.
We need to realize that if they're not making it happen... then they don't want it to happen!


Now guys.. you have to again realize the ridiculous amount of credit and power we give you.. now that your secrets of simplicity are revealed.. YOU have to realize that if you want something to happen.. ITS YOUR JOB TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!! That if you want to kiss the girl.. then kiss the dang girl! If you want to go out with someone.. ASK THEM OUT! we wait around on things we take as subtle hints that.. duh.. you obviously must love us cuz you text us and want to see us.. you need to make your motives clear.
If you're not interested... DON'T BE INTERESTED.
If you ARE.. then COME AFTER US!!
none of this in-between crap.
We read your 'nice guy syndrome' as.. you love us.. you just don't realize it yet..
we take your continuous texting as interest that's not being acted upon..
We're following your lead here.. lead us in the right direction before BOTH of us go crazy!!


My friend Bridget started hanging out with this guy Kyle..
At first Kyle pursued her like crazy! He was 'makin it happen'.. and she was eating it up.
After hanging out a couple times.. kyle realized that he wasn't interested in bridget.. but thought.. hey i'm gonna give this a chance.. there's no harm in taking her out a couple more times.. so he did! he took her on a couple dates.. and hung out with her a couple times..
each time he did.. he realized more and more that this wasn't gonna work out.. but he didn't really think to knock it off cuz what harm was he doing..?
Bridget... having eyes and a brain.. realized that at first he was pursuing her pretty hard.. when it calmed down a little bit.. she thought nothing of it because he had shown no signs of wanting to move backwards.. and if your not moving backwards.. logically you would THINK that you were moving forward with someone..
So as he was fading more and more.. she thought they were continuing to progress..
Then. he was dumb.. and he kissed her. Cuz he's a guy.. he was being a tool.. and he wanted to.
but in his mind.. they had all but stopped talking and hanging out.. and it was purely physical.. like a friends with benefits.. sort of.. or one step up from a completely random booty call..
see the problem with 'FWB' (friends with benefits) is that this ONLY works when its mutually understood to be strictly friends with benefits.. you HAVE to be on the same page.. or people get hurt!
For Bridget.. this kiss was the next step in their forming romance. She took it as a sign of their progression.. and with this kiss.. dissolved any feelings that he had been being sketchy because uh.. he had just kissed her.. CLEARLY he was interested in moving forward..
Both of them couldn't see any other scenario in the situation in front of them.. both of their motives and plans were so CLEARLY displayed in front of the other that how could their be any confusion..?

This is the dumbest thing ever.. because all could've been avoided with basic communication!! We spend our childhood developing our communication skills.. and spend our adulthood DESTROYING them.. because WE NEVER USE THEM!!
Our generation is SOOO afraid of ANY sort of 'dtr' (define the relationship) that nobody will get on the same page!!! EVERYONE thinks they're the exception because they don't know any better!! NOBODY is able to get out of a dark tunnel.. cuz they're fooled into thinking there's still a light at the end of it.

Don't be afraid to get on the same page as someone! Let's reveal the simplicity of love!! It's NOT that complicated.. if we actually say what we mean.. TELL someone the way we really feel.. and don't try to friggin read between the lines so much!! the truth is in the literature! NOT the interpretation! If we were clear with how we felt and what we meant.. it would eliminate ALL guessing games leaving clean lines of functional love.. instead of the complicated mess we all spiral ourselves into!


The swearword of the day is 'ignorance'.. and both genders are FULL of it!
Not all women are nutzo.. and not all guys are lying cheating pieces of crap..

They both just feed into the fantasy that they've created.
If the girl believes the guy is into her.. she's gonna treat it like they're in a relationship..
If the guy thinks he's made his position clear.. he's not gonna be cautious..


Girls...sometimes he's just not that into you... and sometimes.. he's just a guy..
Always assume that you're the rule.. then when you're ever the exception its a pleasant surprise..

Simplicity is the best policy.. quit complicating the obvious.

Guys.. take the initiative to clear up confusion..
Girls.. don't be afraid to take things at face value.. everything isn't always 'not what it seems'.. somethings are EXACTLY what they seem..

Mirror mirror on the wall.. shows a reflection.. not a distortion. take a closer look and you'll see exactly what you're supposed to.


until later xoxox
-Callymon

.. Masquerade ..

In life.. there are 2 ways to tackle a situation..
the easy way.. or the hard way
the obvious way.. or the subtle way..
You can go through the front door.... or the back door.

In most relationships.. there's a meeting.. you exchange numbers.. someone pursues.. there's some sort of a chase.. all gets resolved.. and you fall in love. Maybe slowly at first.. but you follow the natural path of progression.
We learn this 'front door' approach when we're really young... 'tommy and sally kissing in a tree.. k.i.s.s.i.n.g.. first comes love.. then comes marriage.. then comes baby in the baby carriage." You kiss. you fall in love. you get married. you have babies.
When we grow up and actually have to apply this method.. we find out that the front door is booby-trapped.
We have to Indiana Jones our way into the hearts of those we love.. dodging the big rolling ball of ex's.. swinging over the fire pit of mind games.. killing zombies.. rescuing trust.. until FINALLY we can walk through the front door and be in a functional relationship.
Even with the Indiana Jonesing.. the front door is still the easy way to go about things.
It's straight forward.. your motives are known.. you're on a mission.. both parties (willing or not) are aware of what you have set out to do.. and the adventure begins. GOOD LUCK.

In high school, my friend James met his dream girl Jane.
He literally tells the story as.. the first time their eyes met he KNEW he had to be with her forever.. cheese ball? yes. i love it.
They met at a party at a mutual friend's house and the chase began....
Most people called James just plain stupid for falling so fast.. because the ultimate booby-trap was laid in front of him.. flaming in all it's glory... Jane had a boyfriend.
Jane and Tommy had been dating for 11 months. They had been through A LOT together.. and neither one of them saw it ending anytime soon. It wasn't necessarily love... i mean they told each other they loved each other but it was more of a really comfortable friendship that neither one of them wanted to end. They had even tried to break up.. like 3 times.. it just didn't work. so they stopped trying! Everyone knew them as 'them'.. so they didn't really see the point in separating. It's safe to say it was pretty friggin high school.. but hey. they were IN high school so.... whatever.
When James came into Jane's life... of course she thought he was attractive and charming.. but she was at the party with her boyfriend.. so it was more of a 'recognizing beauty' attraction that a.. 'i WILL be with him' attraction. It was NOT like that for James.
As James pursued.. the idea of being without Tommy became more attractive to Jane.. She broke up with him 3 more times.. each time playing into James' ultimate fantasy of them being a couple.. she even agreed to being his girlfriend one of the times.. only to be back with Tommy within 2 weeks.
She didn't MEAN to play games with James' heart.. it just happened that way.
As her and Tommy started to fizzle out a little bit.. his family moved across the country. James' prayers had been answered.
Let's be honest here.. when has a long-distance-HIGH SCHOOL relationship EVER worked..? exactly.
So.. James'.. ya he stuck around this WHOLE time.. saw his window of opportunity..and Jane.. didn't really want to be alone. soo.. She went to James and told him.. 'i'm finally ready to be in a relationship'. He flipped! His dream was coming true.. he had made it to the Temple of Doom and he was claiming his prize.. RIGHT through the front door.. welcome mat and all.
With Tommy out of her life.. she was more open to the idea of James.. even though the first part of their relationship she was with him more out of convenience than anything. She didn't really want to go through that whole 'dating and finding' thing again.. so this was ideal.
James' dreaminess got to her little by little.. and they began to MUTUALLY fall in love. After a year of him dodging bullets.. building bridges.. and shooting ghosts.. James' finally got his princess.. and Jane slowly began to fall in love more than she ever had.

So.. loves sucks. It's hard. We learn this at an early age. James was a CHAMP. i don't know many guys that would go through THAT much heart ache.. and THAT many crazy booby traps to get the girl they want! Hopefully your love story is a litttttle less dramatic and a liiittle easier than our friend James here.. but you'll most likely follow the pattern.. up front. front door. Heroic entrance with theme music playing in the background. claim your prize and ride off into the sunset.

This next part should PROBABLY be in invisible ink.... cuz while all these people are rummaging through booby traps and getting set on fire... allow me to draw you a map to the back door.
It may be the hard way... but its the less flammable way.. and it turns the greatest results... let me explain.

Not many relationships take a backdoor approach.. because you have to take the time and effort to do some myth-busting.. while relying the whole time on the idea that these myths actually ARE myths. You have to take baby steps in unintended directions in order to claim your prize.. the whole time PRAYING you brought the right map! Knowing that if you succeed.. your prize will far outweigh the one you would've gotten going through the front door.. but if you fail.. then.. you are the weakest link. goodbye.
Although there may not be flame throwers.. you definitely have to play dead a couple times..
You may not be tackling the chuck norris method... but you get your double jeapordy.. CIA.. Jason Bourne on.. and still come out pretttty freakin bad A.
You have to perfect the art of the Masquerade.

The first time my friend Josh met Melissa.. it was like shhhaaawing.. fireworks.. every bit as epic as when James met Jane. He KNEW he had to be with her. After using all the strength he could muster NOT to get on his knee and propose.. He decided to talk to her for the first time. Through a long heart-to-heart.. he found out that she wasn't necessarily recently single.. but still claimed the term 'emotionally unavailable'. He sympathized with her telling her about his recent break up as well.. giving them not only somethin in common.. but a 'vent connection'.
You know what i'm talking about... the certain people that you get with to vent about certain things because 1.you feel less guilty talking about it with this person..and 2. you guys are on the same level of hatred.. heartbreak.. rebuilding.. or revenge.. so you have loads to talk about!
Well.. because Josh is a friggin genius.. him and Melissa formed this 'vent' bond. He made sure of it. She told him of guys that had tried to come and swoop her up in her rebounding phase.. so he made a mental note NOT to do that.. 'agreeing' with her about how insensitive they were.. when really he just wanted to be like welllll... nice talking to you.. lets get married.
They exchanged numbers as 'new friends'.. and Josh began his back door journey..

Now the backdoor is dangerous for many reasons... Josh had to make his motives unknown while still staying out of the all-dreaded 'friend zone'.. make Melissa love him.. without pursuing her in a way that she would think he was like 'every other insensitive guy that was preying on her in her weak state of instability'.. or her 'prime rebounding stage'. He had to carefully fill a void while trying to replace the void with comfortability.. but find the balance between the kind of comfortability that you never want to be with out in a best friend way.. and the kind of comfortability that you want to spend the rest of your life with.
He had to seem dreamy.. but uninterested.. while still being able to take full advantage of the opportunity when the window opened itself to go in for the kill..
Talk about the hard way!!

They began going on drives and going to parties of mutual friends together. He never called them 'dates' cuz he didn't want to be crammed into the friend-zone by having to tell people they were on a 'friend date'.. they were just hanging out. Melissa didn't even really consider herself single yet.. and she told Josh this.. putting a huge detour in his map.. and trying his patience even further.
He didn't set any expectations for her to feel bound by. She even went on some dates that she would TELL him about. It drove him NUTS!
The only way he could MANAGE staying completely out of the friend-zone.. and ride the crap out of that fine line in this big jig saw mess.. is to never talk about specific people he was currently dating.. But still let her know that he was desired.. and not gay.
and he was never afraid to be her knight in shining armor.. he was whatever she needed him to be.. like batman! hero.. dark knight.. person she hated when everything was wrong.
Finally after wading in the shallow end for 2 months.. the grand opportunity arose.
His parents had tickets to a basketball game that they couldn't use.. that he knew about for a week.. but.. knowing that her night was open.. he waited until that morning to call Melissa up.
He told her of the 'last minute' (that sly dog) game with seats that HAD to be filled and asked her if she would help him out and go with him. She obviously agreed to go.
Because he had a week to plan this out.. he had called his friend that worked at the arena who knew the one of the guys that filmed the games... aka.. the guy that did the kiss cam.
Josh picked Melissa up.. they went to dinner.. obviously had a blast.. and went to the game.
When the time came when the kiss cam was up they started giggling at all these people that had to 'awkwardly kiss on camera in front of everyone'.. then BAM!!! it was them.. on the camera.. no mercy!!! Melissa smiled.. kind of shrugged.. and said 'why not'.. and LEANED IN FOR A KISS!!!! Josh did the UNTHINKABLE!!! He turned her face and kissed her on the CHEEK!! and the kiss cam passed!! Melissa was confused. They were friends.. but she swore they had SOME sort of connection..? Why wouldn't he kiss her? every OTHER guy would've taken the opportunity.. it didn't even have to be THAT big of a deal!... it was on CAMERA.. it's like the cardinal RULE that if you get on a kiss cam.. you KISS!! the only exception is if it's your BROTHER!!
As she sat there over analyzing the situation.. like Josh knew she would.. He causally grabbed her hand and held it. Because her mind was sooo in another place... one of rejection and pissy-ness.. she thought nothing of it. After a couple minutes of them holding hands.. she became REALLY confused. BUT the rejection had snapped something inside of her.. WHY was it bugging her so bad that he hadn't kissed her!! She was totally fine with holding his hand. At least he would do THIS!
When the game was over they went on one of their drives to a place they often went to talk.. nothing out of the ordinary.. Josh was playin it cool.. but now there was this sense of twitterpation in the air..
When he started small-talking her about the game.. she would give him short answers until she couldn't take it anymore.. She straight up asked him.. 'why wouldn't you kiss me when we were on the kiss cam?... i mean it wasn't that big of a deal.. and i figured we were good enough friends that it wouldn't have been awkward..? did you just not want to kiss me?'...
At this.. Josh laughed... leaned over.. and BAM.. laid one ON HER!! ".. of course i wanted to kiss you.." he said when they pulled away.. like 10 minutes later.. "but that circumstance wasnt exactly ideal..."
This started the relationship of ALL relationships. From here.. they spent every waking moment together.. if it was even possible to spend more time than they had..
It was amazing because they already KNEW that they loved each other.. so they were seamlessly allowed to FALL in love with each other..
Josh had Jason Bourned the crap out of her.. putting any Chuck Norrising to shame. He creeped in the back door and stole her heart out from under her nose..

He began without setting expectations. Allowed her to be comfortable and secure enough to be herself. Allowed her to RECOGNIZE her feelings for him without drowning her in a decision or ultimatum.. and then made her smack herself in the face and wake herself up when he rejected her.. making HER address their connection between them that he had been forming.. and wanted all along.
After this long road.. when he admitted that he had loved her for a long time.. it wasn't a creepy confession of a friend that you had opened up to.. that all the sudden was telling you that he actually had lied.. he did like women.. and he couldn't JUST be your friend any longer!
It was a confession of patience.. and it was daaang sexy.
The early bird may get the worm... but the second mouse gets the cheese!
He strategized his way riiiight into her heart.. and was able to remain there forever.

He had 'busted the myth' in her eyes that men and women could be 'just friends' when the whole time PRAYING that the myth was really a myth. He had to endure the talk of other guys and her being uncomfortable with any other 'guy' in her life.. the whole time strategically making himself the only 'guy' that would be able to so seamlessly swoop in.

This back door approach requires SERIOUS Jason Bourneing.. its not for the faint of heart or the weak in self control.. you have to be batman.. and fill every window needed.. while making sure that it's not a 'strictly friends' relationship.
ways to do this?

1. be sexy.
Physical attraction is something that can't be denied. Even if you have sexy friends.. you wouldn't undermine their sexiness because they're JUST your friend.. you just address them as your sexy friend so... Be attractive. It's not that everyone is shallow... it's just that.. even when they claim NOT to be... EVERYONE IS SHALLOW. and this is important.
ugly friends... remain friends.

2. Don't be afraid to tell them when they're doing something that bugs you.
you don't have to be a doormat. with the complexity of the back door method.. comes the luxury and benefits of a 'platonic friendship' as well. Because you're taking your time.. you actually get to tell them when they're bugging the crap out of you. As weird as this may seem.. it actually puts you a couple steps forward in the right direction.
together you're conditioning each other into your 'ideal' people.. Of course you need to consider what things are 'changing peeves' and 'accepting peeves' (see 'under my skin' blog) but for the most part.. when something comes up that anyone trying to go through the FRONT door would ignore because they're just trying to be LOVED.. YOU get to address it and break down barriers that would come into your relationship later on when you move on to loving each other.


3. Watch that fine line.
Don't call them 'buddy'.. or 'friend'.. or heaven forbid.. 'dude'. This SCREAMS friend-zone.. and its just annoying.

4.Make sure you stay away from comments like 'you're suuch a good friend!'.. lean towards 'what would i do without you'.. and 'i love talking to you' or 'i'm so lucky to have you to relate to'.

5. Stay away from the word 'FRIEND' in general.. it just places unnecessary terms in their head. and subconsciously makes them think of you as a 'friend'. you can get around this and weasel into their subconscious as 'potential love candidate' without them even knowing!

6. Avoid ANY form of 'DTR' (define the relationship) at ALL costs! stay away from any conversation that you establish that you're 'JUST FRIENDS'..
If you play it cool at first and IMPLY that that's your intention.. you can then weasel past the actual conversation until its unclear how you actually feel about each other.. and then you slowly move in for the kill. Make them comfortable with EVERY step of the relationship without having to talk about it.

Be strong. Wait your turn.. line up your fireworks show carefully.. and then BOOM! Love will happen!
Most people want the glory of an Indiana Jones entrance.. fire BLAZING.. bridges FALLING.. swinging in by a rope.. breaking down the front door.
Yes Indiana Jonesing lights a fuse in someone and i'm not saying that the front door approach doesn't work.. cuz it DOES! But sometimes you have to slowly increase the heat in order to boil the frog or they'll jump out..
Once again.. hookerism.. killin stuff.. these aren't things i'm promoting. get over it that i just referred to your potential girlfriend/boyfriend as a boiling frog.
Be willing to be a double agent.. pull some undercover - Jason Bourning.. and your reward will be worth it.
Make some undercover magic..
The name of the game is Masquerade.

Until later!
xoxox
-Callymon

..The non-stagnant relationship movement..

Some may call this the summer of love..
Some would argue that this is the summer of heartbreak..
In some cases it would even be the summer of facing reality.. moving forward.. accepting the inevitable.. moving out of their comfort zone..
My label?
This is the summer where the 'Non-stagnant Relationship Movement of 2011' is in full effect.

Look around.. heck.. just look on facebook and you can see that the entire single world is in an uproar. 1 of 3 things is happening to each person in the non-married community...
They're getting engaged.
They're breaking up.
Or they're in a 'buckle down- build up- from the ashes' new relationship.
Clearly there are rules and regulations in this Act/movement for each of these stages.. and obviously i'm about to educate you on what they are. Let me help you out here.

This Movement is designed to throw you off center.. to take your relationship to the next level.. to relieve you of your stagnant status in love... and to overall better your happiness in your love life.

Many relationships hit the 'stagnant' point at a place of comfortability. You've been together so long that you're not in the 'giddy honeymoon' phase of the relationship any longer.. you tolerate each other but there isn't anything beneficial happening on either side of the relationship.
If your relationship were a house being built.. you have delayed further construction because you don't know if you really want to move into this house anymore.. and putting anymore effort into it than you already have would be a waste of money.. but demolishing the foundation you've laid and part of the house that you HAVE built and starting from scratch seems like it would be a waste of what you've already accomplished. You are stagnant. You aren't moving forward.. you are coasting on the fundamentals of the relationship that you've built thus far.

Some people become stagnant because they simply don't know where else to go. They realize that it's go time.. and it freaks them out.. so they put the brakes on and park for a minute.. possibly damaging the course they so smoothly were on. They intentionally stop themselves from progression because progression is out of their comfort zone.. the 'future' is a place they've never been so they avoid it like the plague.. developing 'lost boy' syndrome of never wanting to grow up.. wanting to remain in a comfortable stagnant state in their lives and therefore their relationships.

This stagnancy puts people on a spinning top.. like the one in inception.. but to wake up.. or even realize that you're dreaming.. we've gotta THROW you off center and show you the reality of the state you're in.. as well as where to go from here.

If you're getting engaged...
I didn't say.. if you ARE engaged. Because if you are.. good for you. Don't let me give you colder feet when it comes to the idea of marriage. My objective is quite the contrary.. i'm tryin to warm up the feet of the people that clearly should be joining you!
If you're at the point in your relationship where its give or let go.. and you absolutely KNOW that it's right.. that forever with this person is inevitable.. but you're coasting on comfortability.. afraid of progression for the sake of progression.. then you're lazy.
This form of stagnant relationship is pointless.. if things are getting better.. and you're just waiting for the right 'time' to get engaged.. the time is NOW.
Join the club. plan a wedding. set the facebook status. buy a ring. get on your knee. and adhere to the philosopher Justin Beiber's principle of making 'one less lonely girl'. do it.
Time isn't something that's gonna come to you and say... HEY BUDDY I'M HERE.. NOW'S THE TIME.. you set your own boundaries and your own expectations. You are your own clock.
None of this.. everything happens for a reason stuff.. YOU are the reason. YOU make things happen by your decision to act! If you know it's right.. don't slow a rolling ball! Pull your head out of your hiney and make some magic happen!

On the other hand.. timing.. relevance.. and expectations.. are individualized on every account. Yes YOU are the reason.. so let YOU be the reason.. and not the growing number of engagements posted on facebook.
I'm not saying rush to the alter with someone you enjoy dating.. but if this Rascal Flatts song applies to you.. 'ain't like it aint gonna happen.. forever's a give in.. it's already written.. who we kiddin baby common.. why wait another minute for something we should've done yesterday..'
then you're an idiot for putting it off. Be excited and willing to start the next chapter of your life. don't be stagnant.. by putting it off you could damage your relationship by placing false doubts in your mind that come from holding off on a decision you know is right.
One of my professors had a friend that lived in Washington that thought that he really needed to sell his house. He had an opportunity in California and he felt like he needed to take it and sell his comfortable home in Washington. The decision was a no-brainer and a right one at the time he needed to make it. Instead of selling his house he decided to wait a year.. and do another year of school.. what would a year difference make right?
That was the year that the whole real estate market crashed in Washington... its been 5 years. His house in Washington has yet to be sold and the opportunity in California is long gone.
The decision was something he knew to be right.. yet he waited for the sake of waiting.. and the opportunity to make the decision passed him by. Don't let your house be forever up for sale because when the opportunity arises you're not willing or too scared to sell it.
Yes i just referred to you selling yourself. no i dont promote hookerism. don't do it. it was purely metaphorical. get over it.


If you're breaking up.. or should be..
if you're at a point in your relationship where the only thing keeping you together.. is the fact that you've been together... That the length of your relationship is the foundation of your so called 'happy'.. 'functional' relationship.. then you're a fool.
There are differences between someone that's fun to date.. and someone you could see yourself with forever. a year? 2 years? that's a cake walk. good for you for being able to be around someone a shorter amount of time than you went to high school for. we're talking about forever.
This reaches the OTHER end of the spectrum than our.. should be engaged.. folks are at.
If you're in a stagnant relationship that you know isn't right.. or isn't going anywhere.. but are remaining stagnant in the fear of loneliness and loss of something that's been comfortable and even just 'there' in your life.. you are a fool.
Let's bring back our house that we're building. If you know that this house isn't going to be finished.. that this isn't somewhere that you want to live.. your property is the place where you're going to build your forever with someone worthy of it.. TRUST me your property is too valuable to give up.. and your property is too valuable to let a half-built - always vacant house remain on for the sake of having something tangible to show on the property.. The sooner this house is knocked down.. the sooner you can build something of use.. something that you're going to live in.. and something that will do the property justice.
I'm not saying you can't take your favorite parts from this house and look for them in further architecture plans.. you're allowed to build any kind of house that you want to!
The relationship that you're in.. that you've been in.. hasn't been a waste of time. It's furthered your understanding of yourself and the opposite sex. It will help you in relationships to come.. But if the only reason you remain in it.. is to remain in it.. then get out of it.
Throw yourself and your relationship off center.. the building process may be hard at first.. but you have to remember that you're keeping the person you're in the relationship WITH out of their dream house as well.

If you too are waiting for the right 'time' to do this.. you're like the 'one more' dieter.. once more week wont kill you to stay in the relationship.. one more cookie wont kill your diet.. you'll start RIGHT after that.. until you keep having 'one more'.. and you get fat. The diet never starts with 'one more'. The place your at wont benefit with 'one more' in your relationship either.. it'll only make your relationship.. and love life..fat. quit putting off the inevitable.

The next thing is.. break ups suck. Duh. They're hard.. and they're sure as heck hard to get used to. You're doing something that's uncomfortable. The longer you were in the relationship.. the more uncomfortable being OUT of it is. YOU. CAN. NOT. CLOSE. YOURSELF. OFF!!
If you get out of a relationship you know wasn't right.... and then wait around for it to be right.. you're not accomplishing anything. Let yourself move on. You're not doing anything wrong by loving again. You have to allow yourself the time to heal.. the time to get past the point where emotion is involved.. you have to get past the point where loneliness overrides your every emotion and all you want to do is be with that person. You haven't been without them in a long time - it's gonna take some getting used to. Don't necessarily take wanting to be with them as 'a sign' that you should be. There were obviously reasons you broke up.. consider them before running back into their lives and creating a stagnant relationship again. Consider that your forever is on the line and it's important. More important than a couple nights of crying.. weeks of almost calling someone.. and months of the sting when you hear their name. You'll get over it and be better because of it.

The 2nd and 3rd stages go hand in hand.
Once out of a break up.. people are experiencing this 'buckle down- build up- from the ashes' new relationship... They get out of ONE relationship and expect this new relationship that comes into their lives to pick up where the last one left off..
They're so 'comfortable hungry' that they don't give the new relationship enough breathing room to grow into its own relationship. They bring up old relationship to make sure they get across what they want and what they're looking for.. that apparently weren't obvious in the last relationship.. put everything on the table.. and then decide if this new relationship can 'buckle down'.. begin to build up.. and take them from the ashes they were left in from their recent heart breaks.
This is the process of 'rebound relationships'.
People that don't want to be alone.. so instead of looking for something different than their last bf or gf.. they simply replace them to fill the void.. take what they liked about the last person they dated.. and like the similarities in the new relationship.. disregarding any new aspects this new person brings because they're so distracted with their selfish desire to not be lonely anymore..

Once out of a relationship.. you have to consider your own healing process.
I'm someone that doesn't believe in rebounding. I believe in healing and moving on to bigger and better things.. I wont kiss someone else when i break up with someone JUST to 'get on the path to recovery'. i feel its unnecessary.
People only feel the need to rebound when they're uncomfortable with the state that they're in. when they're insecure with their relationship status.. and when they care about what the rest of the world thinks about how they handle things.
I don't feel a need to prove to the world that i'm over someone.. i feel like rebounding is a way of saying that you're NOT.
Rebound hook ups and rebound relationships usually fill their purpose and fizzle out. .

This doesn't mean that i don't believe in moving on quickly.
I believe that security in a break up CAN lead to immediate new relationships. If you really knew that something wasn't right and you're at peace with the decision that's been made.. you have a clean slate.. feel free to jump into something when it comes along.. even if it's quick!
You know your own heart. Don't let someone be a band-aid.. everyone deserves to have all of you. When you're whole and willing to give yourself again.. by all means.. DO IT!

There are 'once in a life time' people.. and there are 'once in a while' people..
When you're in a 'once in a while' relationship.. with a 'once in a while' person.. there are definitely good things about it.. the comfortability with this person proves that you're both tolerable.. and you're both human. But by holding onto something that you're not invested in 100% you're missing out on 'once in a life time' opportunities of love.
When you meet 'once in a life time' people.. and have the opportunity to love them.. absolutely do NOT let them pass you by.. Nobody is going to wait around forever. Decide where you stand. If you're stuck in your position of your relationship... get off your spinning top of stagnancy and realize is this right.. or am i dreaming?
Be part of the 'non-stagnant relationship movement'.. be part of the revolution against a stagnant single society.

Until later..
xoxo
-Callymon.

.. Mannequin .. Man-Again ..

Hi. I'm McCall.
I'm from Utah.
I go to BYU. I'm majoring in Journalism
i went to skyline high school.
I would tell you where i live but thats CREEPY.
I don't have a 5 year plan.. but i have a general idea.
i sing.
i blog.

ok cool. phew.. now that this is all covered.. we've broken the ice.. now we can stop pretending like we're interested in these things.. stop making up names of people we know in each other's home towns.. high schools.. and programs at school.. and get to know each other.
What do you like to do for fun?
I like movies.. going outside.. reading.. and just hangin out with friends..
You're gonna get the same answer from a 6 year old.

I'm lookin for a guy thats..
-attractive
-funny
-sweet
-intelligent
...oooh right. as opposed to the girls that are looking for the ugly.. douchey.. stupid ones.. gotcha.

On paper.. everyone is the same. Jobs vary.. activities vary.. but on PAPER you can click with anyone.
If you do your homework.. aka. some light facebook stalking.. which EVERYONE does.. you know the answers to the dumb standard first date questions anyway.
And if THAT'S as deep as your conversation gets.. you have a serious problem.... you're dating a cardboard box.

Allow me to take you through the phases of relationships.. and how to handle them appropriately so that you don't die alone.

Phase 1. The Meeting.
Whether you meet on facebook.. at a party.. through a friend.. on a blind date.. whatever. When you meet someone.. and you get past the dumb questions that don't matter (cuz even though i'll tell you not to ask them.. i know you will). Make eye contact. FLIRT. find out if you could stand being alone with this person for 5 seconds. find out if they have a brain.. and if they're married.. cuz that could get awkward.
Take the time to pay attention to them! This isn't the time to play hard to get. If you come across as a diva or a douche bag.. chances of going to phase 2..are slim.

Phase 2. The Get-to-know.. Platonic Friendship Phase.
Whoever said that friendship comes first.. was right! I'm not saying you have to grow up next door to them or form some year long friendship before you can move in for the kill.. cuz i'm not retarded that that's not the way love has to work... Hey.. it can even be a couple DAY friendship! But knowing things about each other and getting comfortable with each other is crucial. you do this FIRST before you try to date someone and chances of it working out.. better significantly.
If a girl thinks that you're interested in knowing her before you try and WED her.. or BED her.. she's gonna like you a heck of a lot more.
If a guy gets to know you and actually has platonic feelings for you first.. he's gonna worry about breakin your heart a LOT more.
so.. although hanging out is shunned in SEVERAL cases.. especially on this blog.. hang out a couple times! get to know each other in a comfortable environment. you're not in any form of a committed relationship yet.. not even CLOSE.
You can take this phase as fast or as slow as you want.. ok no. You can take this as fast as you want. you are not allowed to just hang out with a bunch of chicks til you die. that's lame. that's retarded. and that's not gonna work.
You are allowed to hang out with a girl 4 times before starting to actually pursue them..or ask them on a date.. after that, We're puttin you in the friend-zone. A terribly hard zone to break out of. DON'T GET INTO IT.

Phase 3. The First Date.
On the first date.. Don't be afraid to be yourself!! So many girls go on first dates and are trying SO hard to be "right" for the dude.. or to seem coy and mysterious.. or are so focused on making the guy think that 'they do this alot'.. that their actual personality is left at the door!
Guys.. I swear if you honk.. text.. or call them to have them come out to your car.. any respectable girl.. WILL NOT GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE.. heck. i wouldn't even go OUTSIDE!
I don't care if you're in love with the chick or not... YOU GO TO HER DOOR!
Girls.. you knew he was coming at 7.. it doesn't make him want you more if you make him wait until 745 cuz you didn't like your outfit..
if it takes you 6 hours to get ready.. start earlier! it's not like he just randomly decided to come pick you up.
Guys.. chivalry isn't dead. get her door. THE WHOLE NIGHT. and when you do.. don't say 'my mom would totally kill me if i didn't do this..'
Girls.. LET them get your door! don't pull this feminist 'i can friggin open my own door k? im a capable human being' crap. be the CHICK of the relationship.. and let him be the dude! you don't have to be both!
I'm not gonna set ground rules on kissing on the first date.. cuz hey.. if there's chemistry and there's an 'insert kiss here' moment.. go for it! Some people think it's too soon.. don't have this rule set in your head. Time has absolutely nothing to do with it.
So girls..if he tries to kiss you cuz you're sending SERIOUS vibes.. don't think he's scum. IT'S YOUR OWN DANG FAULT. if you don't want it to happen.. QUIT SENDIN THE VIBES RETARD!
Guys.. if she lets you kiss her on your first date.. don't go home and think she's not 'wife' material or that she's 'easy'.. the moment was there! you guys took advantage of it! good for you!

Phase 4: The Chase..
After the first date.. people tend to FREAK OUT! girls sit there for HOURS a day ..having all their room mates call their phone to make sure its not broken.. and then yelling at them if they let it ring more than once cuz. HE MIGHT BE CALLING!!!
The post-first-date-texting is important. If you're interested in someone.. don't pull the 'i like to take things slow' approach. if you like them COMMUNICATE with them! you don't have to rush to the alter!
My favorite thing? 'sorry i would but..i'm realllly busy' right. too busy to breathe? too busy to facebook on your iphone for like 6 hours a day..? Nobody is too busy to be in a functional relationship. it literally takes 5 seconds to text someone back. if you don't.. there are definitely other reasons besides 'i'm too busy'.
Lots of people think they're too busy to be dating at ALL. you are wrong my friends. a secure person can handle not seeing their bf or gf every 5 seconds.. and a legit person understands difficult schedules.. its the effort put forth regardless of your crazy hair on fire schedule. You have all the time that you allow yourself to make.

Some people think that this chase is.. wait at LEAST 3 days to text them back.. and yada yada yada.. if you honestly have a formula for this? add 20 tool points. cuz you're a tool. don't be afraid to go with things! no matter WHAT there's gonna be a chase of some sort anyway.
If you go out with a girl.. and she doesn't hear from you.. she's gonna think you weren't into it.. or that she did something wrong.. and she'll most likely over analyze your every move from the date you went on and look for signs that it went down hill..
DON'T PUUT HER THROUGH THIS. its not gonna end up on youtube for you to enjoy.. you wont benefit from it in anyway. be a good guy.
Girls.. don't do this. relax. They're more ignorant that we think.

and hey.. if you're not interested.. then drop it all together. and go back to phase 1.
Chica.. if the dude tries to go out again just tell him 'hey i think you're great but i think we're better as friends and i don't wanna waste your time and money'
Home boy.. if the chick is slitting her wrists cuz you haven't called her.. shoot her a text and tell her you got back with your ex girlfriend but you think she's a great girl and you have a hot roommate you really wanna set her up with.. that doesn't exist. she'll get the hint. after a pint of ben and jerry's.

Phase 5: The Pivotal 4th date.
I'm gonna give you 4 dates to decide if you are genuinely interested in someone. Until this 4th date happens.. date around as much as you want without caring if this person finds out. Take the space you need to 'find yourself' or whatever the crap you dudes do. Until this 4th date.. you can coast. No expectations from the girl.. no need to progress.. heck you don't even have to kiss her before this.
But by the Pivotal 4th date.. you should know if you COULD date this person. By now.. unless one of you is completely demented.. you've gotten past the awkward.. not really be yourself.. talk about nothing.. laugh at the jokes that aren't funny.. phase of your non- relationship. By this 4th date.. if you DONT want to kiss them.. and DONT find yourself WANTING to talk to them and text them.. then move on. or put them strictly in the friend-zone. Cuz after this 4th Pivotal date.. you're leading them on.
I'm not saying this 4th date requires you to move into something completely committed... but after this 4th date you should be comfortable moving TOWARDS that. you should be able to SEE yourself in a relationship with this person. If you decide this person falls into that category.. then you take things naturally and don't be afraid of progression. Don't force things.. and do NOT go buy a ring!! But be ok with moving towards exclusivity.
This phase is where.. if you haven't kissed her.. you stop treating her like your sister and GO IN FOR THE KILL. There's a point where its respectful.. and a point where its tortuous douche-baggery. knock it off. grow some guts and make it happen.
** side note.. homies.. you think about this.. a date a week? this is a MONTH. to decide if you can stand someone.. im being generous.

Phase 6: The DTR. (Define the Relationship)
Everyone is TERRIFIED of the dreaded DTR. Clearly you're doing it wrong.. cuz all a DTR should be is communicating with someone that you're already dating.. that you want everyone ELSE to know that you guys are dating.
It's getting on the same page.. and honestly if that's THAT scary for you.. you have serious communication issues that you can most likely blame on FB.. texting.. and never having to actually TALK to a person.. but all this crap aside.. you've been spending time with this person you're talking to.. get over it.
People bring it up like they think they're clever.. 'so.. someone else asked me on a date.. should i go?'. oook chicka.. first off. he's probably either gonna think you're kidding.. or tell you yes cuz 'if you don't care about him enough to WANT to say no.. then you're not where he thought'. My favorite... 'Brooke asked me what the deal with us was.. and i told her i would have to talk to you.. so..' hahaha no WONDER these conversations are awkward!
Guys.. here's what you do. you say.."will you be my girlfriend".
then there's no guessing.. no reading-between lines.. no walking away from the conversation more confused about your status than ever. Trust me. when it gets to that point.. you both are dating each other anyway. clear up the confusion.. and again.. grow some guts and make it happen.. it's YOUR job.

The problem with people being afraid of the DTR is.. that girls are insecure.. and guys are egotistical.
The girl will be afraid to say no to other guys asking her out cuz if SHE says no cuz she thinks you guys are more than YOU think you are.. then she looks like an idiot for letting go of an option to the rest of the world when you haven't tied her down and branded her.
and the guy will be so afraid that the chick will hear wedding bells if he makes her his GF that he holds off as long as possible..
both things? retarded. just communicate. if you're on the same page there wont BE any confusion.. and the DTR will happen naturally.

Phase 7: Dating/ Honeymoon Phase.
When you start out dating someone.. of COURSE its pure bliss... if it's not.. this is a HUGE red flag. cuz anyone can get along while they're still twitterpated and a relationship is new..
Love the crap out of each other so that when your fire cools.. it still exists. Go on dates!! Most of the time we treat those whom we love the worst because we're comfortable with them... don't do this!!! They should be top priority. Before, during and after the honeymoon phase of your relationship!
Never fall out of the habit of telling each other that you love each other.. of course this is when the L bomb is dropped... which takes time. We'll blog about THAT awkward moment another time..
Actually WORK at your relationship!
People tend to get jealous.. insecure.. and possessive in relationships.. there is absolutely NO NEED FOR THIS!! if guys weren't so deceiving and girls weren't so insecure.. relationships would be a BREEZE!! Guys.. don't give your chick a reason not to trust you. Girls.. don't look for the worst in your bf.. and both of you.... friggin let go of the 'texting other girls.. texting other guys' thing!! It's like you're saying 'how DARE you have a life before you met me!.. how DARE you be the social person i fell in love with!'.. wtf people really? If they WANTED to be with someone else... they would be with them.. not you. so get over it!
On the other end... If you cheat. you're scum. end of story. if you deceive.. you're fungus and you dont deserve to be in any form of ANY functional relationship.. watch your back you useless human being cuz.. imma blog about chu.

Phase 8.1: Marriage.
I'm not gonna tell you when. how. why to get married.
the only thing i'm gonna say is when it's right.. DO IT!

Phase 8.2: The break up.
If you don't get married.. this is the only other alternative at the end of the day.
Break ups are hard. but they're a necessary component to your happiness sometimes. Hey - we can't marry EVERYONE we date.. and every heart break just gets us that much closer to the person we will end up with!
People make break ups soooo much harder than they need to be!
You will NOT be friends at first. you need to be fine with this. not talking a whole lot til you're over each other is probably the best way to handle it just so you don't do anything rash if you really believe that things aren't right.
Be happy for their happiness.. they were a big part of your life! They deserve it.
Don't spread rumors or gossip about each other.. common we can be adults now cant we?
Address the good times that you shared.. you don't have to forget them. take them with a grain of salt as a part of your life that was great that was a transition to an even better part.
There's no need to be sad. I mean obviously you're gonna be sad losing a best friend.. but It's ok! Everything will be fine! and everything will work itself out! You'll be able to look back and make sense of this whole sucky dating thing you once had to go through.

You don't have to be a mannequin that fits a formula or a 'type' to make someone happy. Be the best YOU you can be and you'll find the person that's best for YOU. Don't alter yourself to make someone else happy.. even if you make through all the phases.. you'll never feel accomplished.. you'll never be satisfied with your life.. and you'll never be happy.
the surface shouldn't be the only thing you're willing to show and the only place you're willing to go.. dive into people. they might surprise you.

hey yall.. each relationship will have its own twist and turn and way of handling each step.. but don't be stupid. Don't complicate the obvious.. and life and love wont be as hard as you're making it!
Sorry for the lengthy post..
until later.. xoxox
-Callymon

..Tick.. Tick.. BOOM!

How much do you think an hour of your time is worth?
Take into consideration:
That you're functioning at your maximum capacity and living to your full potential 24/7.. you sweat excellence and doze with an agenda..
That you've worked your entire life.. every hour up until this very second.. to live THIS hour in the best way you can..
That with each passing moment you are getting better and better and better.. because your soul is hardwired for progression.. that you're either moving forward or backwards.. and if you're working your guts out there's no way you're moving backwards..
That every second you spend doing something to better yourself helps you increase the value to your hour..

Now add to the mix that life is short... that there are only so many hours to live.

A diamond is forever. It's the symbol of love.. class.. and wealth. It's prettttyy safe to say that diamonds are extremely valuable.
Now if when you went to a playground.. the gravel.. or the little ugly bark thingys that they have now.. were replaced by diamonds.. you planted your flowers in straight diamonds.. and used diamonds to file your nails.. clearly their value would diminish. This magnificent sparkly rock.. would be just that. a sparkly rock.
The value of a diamond is so great because they're hard to obtain.. there are a limited amount.
If diamonds paved the streets.. you better believe i wouldn't put one on my finger.. we as a society would pick a new sparkly rock to worship.

I love sugar... who doesn't. It makes life better. You can buy it anywhere.. and you can get it cheap.
Now imagine a world where there was only one bag of sugar left... TOTAL!! Never to be made again! The value of it would be priceless!! No one would be able to pay enough money for something that was so incredible and so rare.

Simply because there are less of something available.. the value of it increases tremendously.

Life is short. there are only so many hours to live. Every hour is like a diamond. like discontinued sugar.. the value of it is priceless.

Now have a moment of honesty with yourself..
How are you wasting your diamonds? Pouring your precious last bag of sugar down the sink?
How are we spending the hours of our lives?
Is it worth it?

Like the 'tool test' i did in my last post.. there are many things that i could put in front of you to help open your eyes to the value of your own life and time.
- every trial .. add 90 points..
- every year of wisdom added through school.. add 100 points..
- every time you've applied something you learned.. add 100 points..
- every time you've learned from a mistake.. add 100 points..
- every time you've given your all.. add 100 points..

But there are an infinite number of things that you would be forever adding to your list.. and i would be wasting your time and my blog space.
Too many of us spend these precious hours worrying.. crying.. feeling sorry for ourselves.. gossiping.. and trying to figure out ways do to the least amount of work possible and obtain the most from it.. thats retarded.

Think of your life as a job. For the value you bring to every hour of your life you are paid a certain amount of money that's put into a bank account that you can cash out at the end of your life to use in the life after..
would you be in debt?

The most important thing in your life should be the relationships you form with other people.
Are you surrounding yourself with people that are worth your time? Are you giving the people that you love the most the time they deserve?

A man that spends his precious life in an office.. without his family.. loving his computer and his iphone.. will end life in debt.
The same man that puts in the hours at the office.. and gives his family every precious hour he has outside of it.. loving them to death.. will end life with a WHOLE lot more money in this bank account.
School is important.. jobs are important.. sports... music.. they're all important.. but when we break it down.. the only things that matter.. are the relationships we form with those we love.

When you think about it in dating...
Why would you go on dates with guys you aren't interested in? Why waste your precious time and his.. when you both could be using the same time to find someone you ARE interested in..?
Why spend time in relationships that are 'comfortable' at best.. that you KNOW aren't going to work out.. yet you don't want to end it in fear of losing the comfortability..? The second you KNOW something isn't right.. get out of it! Your time is too valuable to spend it wasting your life away with someone that doesn't make you happy! On top of that.. in any form of detrimental relationship you add hours of worry.. anxiety.. even hours of just trying to figure out what the heck is going on! Relationships shouldnt be THAT hard! Simply being with someone shouldn't feel like work..
Yes you have issues.. everyone has issues.. and working through legitimate FIXABLE issues isn't a waste of time at all! in fact its in these hours that you grow the most.. together and individually. But there are solvable issues... and dumb issues that can be solved if both of you realized that hey.. this isn't working. We're wasting our time trying to fabricate a relationship that both of us can agree is tolerable at best.

Guys get SO offended when a girl wont go out with them because she's not interested.. GUYS.. SHE'S DOING YOU A FAVOR! Get off your male ego high horse and realize that she has just made an executive decision for both of you that she doesn't need to waste your time and money when she absolutely is sure that it wont go any further than you buying her dinner.
The whole "give him a chance" thing..? are you people on crack? If you're not attracted to someone.. then you're not. If someone isn't what you want.. then they're not. Attraction can GROW.. but be friends until that point! When there's anything mutual.. then duuh.. it changes things.

Girls.. don't be afraid to say no to a date that you have no interest in going on. and don't wait around.. wasting hours of your life away waiting for some guy to call you back when.. if it wasn't right for him.. it will be for some other lucky guy!

Don't be so hurt when something doesn't work out! It's a blessing in disguise!

And when you form a relationship that you DO see going somewhere.. then give it the time and effort it deserves!
We are in a time in our lives that dating sucks.. everyone agrees. But we're making it waaaaay harder than it needs to be.

So many people stay in relationships to avoid the sting of loneliness... kiss people to make sure they aren't getting out of practice..
If you're being the best you... you wont be lonely long.. and then hey.. you'll get all the kissing practice you need!

Make a list of priorities in your life.. and prioritize your time accordingly.. remembering that PEOPLE are worth more than THINGS.. and those you love will help you shape your own character.. bringing further value to each second of your life.. and those you associate with by default probably wont add to your self worth as much.

Don't spend time with people that make you worse. Spend time with people that make you want to be better!

Don't nap or cry or worry your life away.. spend it loving and living and laughing and striving to be the very best you that you can be! Work HARD to jack up that bank account waiting for you when you bite the dust.
Live the CRAP out of every hour you have.

Until Later.. xoxox
-Callymon

. Tool Time .

There are different levels of toolness..
You have baby tools.. like the mini screw drivers that come in nail kits that have flowers on them that you can use to fix a sewing machine or a hobbit's lawn mower.
Regular tools.. that have an average toolness about them.. saayy.. a monkey wrench. an average size monkey wrench..
Power tools... that have extra tool-like attributes.. a chain saw/ power drill..
and Tool boxes...that have ALL tool characteristics.. there is no hope for them.. put them in the shed. and lock the door.

Now today.. i'm gonna act like Tim the tool-man Taylor.
Tim.. deals with all sorts of tools. He can classify them.. categorize them.. break them.. name them.. and use them to allude to things inappropriately.

Duuudee... broo....... mannnnn......
It's time for you to take the tool test...

How to know if you (or the guy you're dating) is a tool.
Start with a points system... the higher your tool count... the more of a tool you are... grab a calculator..
Fair warning.. you may want to take this ALONE.. save yourself some embarrassment.. or not. whatever.

** to determine your start value.. take all the nick names you've been given in your life..
if any of them included 'lady killa'.. 'meatball'... 'duude bro fa sho'... or anything that ended in 'money'.. start at 10.
If in the last 24 hours you've said 'that's what she said' more than 4 times... start at 5 (this is less because lets be honest... a few 'thats what she said' moments are necessary)

1. If you are a guy that should CLEARLY wear a Large shirt.. but you wear a medium because "the store was out of them".. add 6 points.
2. If you care more about what you look like than all the girls you went to high school with... add 5 points.
3. If you take longer than 20 minutes to get ready WITH a shower... add 6 points.
4. If you can name a whole group of friends that you've made out with.. add 10 points.
5. If none of the girls KNOW you've kissed the rest of their friends.. first off.. props to you you tool.. add a gold star.. and 5 points.
6. If you go tanning because the ladies love it.. add 5 points.
7. If you lie to girls for any reason at all.. add 15 points.
8. If you are dating more than 1 girl at a time because you don't know what you want.. add 4 points.
9. If you can flirt your way out of a ticket.. even with a dude cop.. add 6 points
10. If you call your girlfriend "Bro".. "dude".. "man".. "buddy".. or "homie"... add 10 points
11. If you wont hold the girl's hand your dating in front of other people because you think it closes your dating doors to other hot chicks there... add 15 points.. you tool
12. If you have a section in your phone you know you can booty call at ANY time.. send the girls my way to get some sense knocked into them.. and add 5 points (it's a low number cuz hey.. we all got needs!)
13. If you are trying to kiss and date as many girls as you can cause 'practice makes professional'... add 10 points.
14. if you rock out to Miley Cyrus.. for ANY reason... add 6 points.. commmmonnnn mannnn
15. If you pop your collar.... add 15 points. and go back to Jr High
16. If you facebook message random hot girls and ask them out.. 'hey you're cute.. we should go out sometime'.. add 6 points.
17. If you put the 'w' in 'dawwwg'.. add 4 points.
17.5 If you say 'dawwg'.. add 4 points.
18. If you would rather play black ops for 3 hours than spend those same 3 hours with a beautiful girl.. add 10 points.
19. If you've ever stopped making out to answer the phone... add 10 points.
20. If you text other girls when you're on a date.. that YOU asked the chick out on.. add 7 points.. retard.
21. If 'that's hot' makes a regular appearance in your conversations.. add 6 points.
22. If you just bought a new car cause you think it will get you more bootay... add 10 points
23. If you hate on Justin Beiber in public so you're not thought of as a sissy.. but secretly listen to him in your car cuz you love the color purple.. add 10 points
24. If you own more designer jeans than your girlfriend.. add 5 points
25. If you wont date a girl unless she owns more designer jeans than you.. add 10 points.
26. If you make fun of girls to get a laugh out of your buddies.. add 10 points
27. If you know something is hurting a girl you're dating.. and you do it anyway.. add 15 points.. you disgusting tool
28. If you wear the elastic headbands on your head.. add 7 points.. fyi.. you look retarded
29. If you straighten.. perm... or spend more than 30 bucks on a hair cut.. add 10 points
30. If you've ever said 'i'm trying to love you.. really hard'.. add 15 points.. apparently this happens a lot? you boys.. i swear.. wtf?
31. If you wont tell your mom you love her in front of people.. add 20 points.
32. If you hire kids.. or use your sibling's kids to make girls fall for you.. add 7 points.. (if your intentions are pure its adorable.. if not.. you're retarded.)
33. If you go to the gym because the mirrors are bigger there.. add 10 points
34. If you have a 'pick up lines' app.. 'see if you're a good kisser' app.. or 'how to do the perfect fo-hawk' app.... add 12 points
35. If you've named any part of your body.. add 12 points.. you weirdo
36. If you've ever honked.. or texted a girl 'hey.. i'm here'.. you should be shot.. add 15 points
37. If you're on a date.. and your date goes to the bathroom.. and you proceed to get the waitress's number... who are you!? .. add 10 points.
38. If you own a larger than average size truck.. add 5 points
39. If you wear anything bedazzled or gaudy add 25 points. This includes jeans with nasty pockets, Ed hardy, affliction..etc.
(addition made by the lovely Eliza)

Total toolness: 353.

0-150 : acceptable.. still attractive toolness... 150-300: Toolbox material... 300+: past the point of no return..

Care to redeem yourself? Need some bonus points to lower your number a little bit?
fiiine. cuz i'm such a nice person... you may use these "attractive points" to lower your tool status.

* many times confidence and cockiness are confused. If a guy is genuinely a confident person its SUPER attractive. who wants an insecure fool? nobody. However, we draw the line at obnoxious.. and if you don't know where that line is... it's not like the polar-express bell.. that if you don't believe.. you wont hear it and it doesn't apply to you... if you fail to recognize the line that many tools cross.. then duh.. you're a tool..
** so.. If you're a CONFIDENT man. that handles his business and has his crap together.. add 10 attractive points (subtract 10 points from your tool score)

* Times of flyin solo are BOUND to be accompanied by some form of dating and kissing around. Duh. that's WHY you're single. Doing it in a respectable manner.. kissing girls you're interested in other than just a bootay smack with a face that you don't care to look at and a personality that is irrelevant.. not ok. Many people kiss lots of people because they're exploring options with pure intent of finding someone they're compatible with.. this is attractive.. add 10 attractive points (subtract 10 from your tool score)
* if you don't get the attractive points on this one cuz you're a tool that just likes to get down.. add 5 more tool points retard.

Like i said.. there are many different levels of toolness.. find your place in the shed.

This will most likely be a double-post day. so stay tuned.
Until laterrrr
xoxo
-Callymon