The Blog You Wish Your Boyfriend Read: Roses are red.. Bruises are blue..

Roses are red... bruises are blue... I'm glad it's over.. just like all of you.

Congratulations...We made it through yet another year of flowers and candy..awkward encounters with creepy strangers lookin for love.. a 2 hour wait at every restaurant.. and every copy of the notebook off the shelves.. out of the red-box kiosks.. and in every single girls' dvd player.

All the single girls can now start planning their strategy for getting a boyfriend in the next 364 days.. crossing off this year's plan as yet another failed attempt.

All the single guys can now make eye contact with girls again... turn their phones back on... and stop pretending they have a life threatening disease.

Let's face it.. it doesn't matter if you go to love-bashing parties... on BFD's (best friend dates).. girls movie nights drooling over Channing Tatum.. or anything and everything else to try and get your mind off of this day... it's still gonna SUCK if you're single.

Valentines day is a single guy's NIGHTMARE! Unless they're pretty dang sure of the status of whatever is going on in their lives.. they're probably hiding in a hole JUST as deep as the single girls are.. both dateless.. both hating everything in any shade of red.. pink... swirly or heartsy.

The exception to this Where’s Waldo mentality is the classic hopeless romantic looking to further his relationship quest. If you're one of these hopeless romantic types... you can give a HUGE thank you to society for giving you an entire day that you don't have to explain any over the top cheesy behavior or ridiculous displays of affection. On this day you don't have to "play it cool".. you can take your beginning stage relationship and act as boldly as you dare! To all of you that just dropped MAD cash on roses.. and chocolate.. and stuffed animals.. and limos.. and violin players... on girls you just met..Woo! More power to you.

If you're in the stage of a relationship where it's still pretty casual.. it could go either way.. to the alter or down the toilet.. and you come upon February 13th.. all the sudden it goes from ...'we'll see how this goes.. we're just hangin out...' to.. 'I DONT KNOW WHAT SHE'S THINKING.. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING!! if i do something for Valentines day.. she'll think I'm in love with her!!! and we don't want that..yet... but if i do NOTHING.. what if she thinks i don't like her at ALL!?!.. i should probably just not talk to her from feb 12 to mayyyybe like late afternoon on the 15th to play it safe.. ya.. we'll go with.. phone off... no contact... and then pretend like it never happened... SOLID! break on three... ready.. BREAK!"

Love is like money... it's AWESOME for those with a never ending supply... and it SUCKS for those that go without.

So while the people in love give a big shout out to the candy and flower industry.. loving themselves even more for picking a winner that stayed by their side regardless of this treacherous day of cheesy facebook posts...

While the single people plan out their gym time tomorrow to compensate for the emotional chocolate binge they're now seriously regretting...

I'd like to give my own shout out to the creators of this holiday for giving 'The Blog You Wish Your Boyfriend Read' a reason to blog about nothing in particular.. other than love itself. It will be more random than other posts... but bear with me. Thank you Valentines day.

These are the Day-After Valentines Day cards that i'm sending to all of you...

To: On the Fencers..

Women have a code. We have a language. We never say what we mean. We might as well be speaking friggin chinese.. because men will never understand us. We're given a book at our 'secret meeting' in the 5th grade that explains how we're meant to run the world but will choose to take a passenger seat in many instances so that people don't catch on to our genius ways and manipulative skills.

We constantly wait for our clueless boyfriends to read between the lines.. get the picture.. get the billboard size hints.. pull their heads out of their butts and 'care' like we want them to.

Girls... i have news for you that could rock your world.

They're a lot more ignorant than we think. They don’t analyze every word they say before they send it wondering how you’re gonna take it. Sometimes they say things that they don’t mean.. they occasionally stumble across things that we take as super offensive.. ON ACCIDENT. Sometimes you just need to take what they say with a grain of salt... take a text exactly as they wrote it. Leave all possible double meanings out of your mind.. stop stressing over his poor grammar.. and leave the decoding to the CIA! Most of the time they don’t mean to make you pull your hair out! They are completely unaware of the fact that you spaced out the time between text messages perfectly.. that you’ve come up with a scientific formula for the perfect balance.. the middle ground somewhere between needy.. cute.. and desperate.

They don’t know!!

Their life's work and goals are to 'figure us out'... what the crap is there to figure out?!

flowers + chocolate + 'you're beautiful' + 'i love you' = happiness. duuh.

Guys.. I’m here for you.

In one of my favorite movies of all time.. The Swan Princess.. we reveal a liiiittle bit of this male ignorance..

Derek and Odette grew up together from infancy.. Their parents planned on them getting married and were just WAITING for them to fall in love. When sparks finally flew.. Derek asked Odette to marry him. Being a chick.. she wanted to know why he loved her. In reply to her request.. obviously being the hopeless romantic that he is.. he looked into her eyes and said.. "you're all i've ever wanted... you're beautiful!" In regards to him professing his love...... for her face....... she said "thank you! but what else...?" Being a DUDE. he replies..."what else.. is there?"

Really derek?..? His lovely trusted best friend hits the nail on the head when he tells him... "you should write a book... how to offend women in 5 syllables or less."

Guys have a guy code... that goes something like this..

Don’t scam on your homeboy's chick.. but it happens.

Butt slap in sports game = encouraging..

Butt slap outside of sports game = you're gonna get laid out in about 5 seconds..

Same with holding hands.. during a football kickoff.. its promoting team unity.. anywhere else.. you better WATCH yourself.

and.. if you ever get a girl to crack the girl code.. to explain this crazy phenomenon of 'women-hood' .. you obviously make copies.. and share with the rest of them..

well guys.. helllooooo... its posted on the internet for all y'all to see. you can thank me later.

Trust me. we WANT you to figure us out! we don't WANT the secret to our happiness to be a secret!! we just want to be happy!!

You have to realize that.. 21st century or not... you guys are the playmakers of the relationship. As much as i absolutely do NOT want to feed into your male egos.. there's only soooo much a chick can do.. even if she's forward.. before she's left sitting at home waiting for you to call.

I know i've blogged before about being completely honest with your feelings.. being BOLD and doing something about your current single predicament... i know all of you roll your eyes and claim you're exactly as single as you want to be.. but hellooo.. guys.. Valentines day is over.. we can continue being honest with ourselves now.... EVERYTHING in the world is better when you're in love. so.

There comes a time... when a girl.. or guy for that matter... is completely unsure of the intentions of the other person. At this time.. they are looking for ANY sign that this current relationship thing will move forward, before resorting to putting up a big friend-zone wall in fear of being wrong.

Nobody wants to be the one that cares more.. assumes.. and looks like a fool.

Do i think that once a guy gives the go ahead, that a girl has to reciprocate this affection? ABSO-freakin-LUTELY! But i'm sorry to say.. again... guys.. no pressure.. but you have the control. You're in the drivers seat here... MAKE SOME FRIGGIN MAGIC HAPPEN so you don't have to spend another Feb. 14th playing halo.. naming body parts and comparing things you can't control.

Nobody can read minds in a relationship, yet everybody tries to. Let's make this a little easier folks.. narrate what's going on inside your head... at least a little bit. If you don't, you will remain on the fence.. in that in-between stage, until the other person can't take the uncertainty.. and they move on.

Be BOLD..

Love,

trying to use telepathy to make my phone ring... isn't working out so much.

To: Those of you looking to seal the deal....

After watching the movie 'Crazy Stupid Love'.. I became obsessed with the idea of having a “move”.. a finale.. a cherry on top in a final attempt to make someone fall in love with you.

In the movie.. the lovely Ryan Gosling is asked by the hilarious Emma Stone what his big GRAND move was to 'seal the deal'.. whether her definition is the same as mine.. is irrelevant. Our callymon definition today is the thing that moves a relationship from.. "I have no idea if we're dating other people".. to.. "i love this person. wow. ok. cool. lets DO THIS!"

When it comes to picking a BIG GRAND MOVE.. you obviously need to play to your strengths...

If you're not such a good kisser.. and your move.. is to kiss them..? Bad friggin idea. pick something else.

If you're an excellent cook.. and you choose to make them dinner... bingo! You understand. Have a cookie.

In the movie... his move is to do the dirty dancing lift. He proceeds to lift the chick above his head.. throw her.. and catch her all slowly.. breaking down any doubt she had in her mind. (although i can't imagine much initial doubt... he's ryan gosling.. duh.) I wouldn't exactly recommend this move.. unless you look like Thor... cuz if you drop the chick from lack of practice.. or lack of biceps.. (no judgement here).. it might make your relationship wander south a little bit... i mean as much as dropping someone on their head says.. 'ok now LOVE ME!'... you may want to make them brownies.

If you have a grand move.. that's great. If NOT... there are little moves that can definitely push you in that "love me" direction.

** JUST so we're clear.. these things are for people looking to seal the deal... if you're not to that point yet.. if you haven't already been dating someone... you probably shouldn't try these.. you'll just look like a creepy stalker.

An example of a smaller - yet still effective move - is strategic texting. If you text them AT LEAST in the morning and before you go to bed.. they know you're thinking about them when you wake up.. and before you go to sleep. Plus.. any girl that gets a 'good morning beautiful' text.. will melt like butter on a hot roll.. and be eating out of the palm of your hand.

Basically when it comes to sealing the deal... girls notice everything. So subtle things that show them how much you care about them.. are very much appreciated.. and can go a long way!

Give them something to journal about.. and you can go right ahead and add a #winning hash-tag on your love life.

Love,

A back-hug and holding their hand in public goes a lot further in the love-book than you think

To: The skeptics.

People have this theory... that when things happen slowly in life .. that they work out better. That if they JUST take their time and purposely slow things down.. there will be a much better outcome than if they let things take their natural course.

I am one of these people. Or at least i used to be.

With all the relationships around me down here in Utah County... there are 2 mentalities... you can't possibly be in love with someone until you've dated them for 6 months.. then dropping the L bomb is in the natural vicinity of where it should be... OR... 3 dates..? I LOVE YOU!!!!!

While thinking to myself.. wow.

that's it.. wow.

I have decided to further study this subject and work it all out in my mind.

What i came up with will be an ENTIRE post in itself..

but to sum it up in this lovely Valentine..

As things happen... LET THEM HAPPEN!! However fast or slow things happen... don't let opportunities pass just because something is going faster or slower than you anticipated! Go with the flow! Let your heart feel exactly what it wants to!! Have a little faith! and everything will be just fine!

Whether you fall in love in 2 weeks... or 2 months.. or 24 hours... act on what you feel. You could miss out on something great if you dont!

Love,

Love is the best kind of air freshener.

Another year has come and gone and all we have to show...

is yet another holiday we missed the mistletoe..

a band-aid for the broken hearts is what i'm here to give

as callymon attempts to change the single lives we live

the holiday of getting fat on chocolate covered tears

and adding one more lonely night to all the previous years..

This day we'll put behind us as the last and final bow

to go find what we're missing.. like rachel in 'the vow'.

Good day my fellow stalkers.. goodnight my distant friends

i hope you've laughed through broken hearts as this blogs at an end.

Live. laugh. love. and smile :) today is a new day. thank goodness.

Before i sign off... in the spirit of Valentines day.. i'll leave all you love birds on a happy note with my favorite love song i've ever written... (it's a few years old so don't judge it.. ) it's called 'I Found You'..

Enjoy!