Confessions of a Tool-aholic

Hi. I'm McCall and i... am a tool-aholic. it's been.. not long enough since my last tool-binge and i am here to put a stop to this madness and serious addiction plaguing my life and the lives of those i love.
I come from a long line of tool-aholics.. you could say it's in my blood. and it's time for it to bloody stop.
In a female conversation the other day, a group of my friends all evaluated the kind of guys that we've dated.. We went clear back.. alllll the way through the roster,at least the part of the roster that we remembered... including the flings.. the 'one's that got away ' and boys that we planned on marrying the first time we saw them.. and then reconsidered 5 seconds later.. We then compared it to the kind of dudes that we want to marry....
Somewhere in the middle.. there was a disconnect..
We realized that the behaviors that we had conditioned ourselves to be interested in.. were not the same behaviors that our imagined charming princes would convey. In fact.. other than 'be a hottie'.. none of the factors matched at all.
We went through step by step... tool by tool.. seeing all that we had suffered in the name of love.. or what we had been calling love. Trying to figure where we went wrong thus far in our love lives.
The common threads that we found are woven into the same cloth as the rest of the dating world today...
We are all supposedly dating in order to progress... we're SUPPOSED to be dating in order to someday.. whenever it fits into your future.. get married... yet the people we are choosing to date are so far from the ones we would even consider marrying.. it's no wonder we think dating sucks! As stupid as it sounds.. and as much as you wanna smack everyone up side the head and just be like.. well.. STOP!.. there is, in fact, method to the madness.. and a way of explaining where each of us has gone wrong.
For the fellow tool-aholics... in high school, as well as growing up if you blossomed before that.. we were attracted to the confident.. cocky.. jock-ish.. swaggering guy that was this and that.. filling our juvenile love needs. We actually LIKED that they liked themselves more than they liked us.. because in an awkward high school world.. most people are insecure and awkward. The tools that overcome this awkwardness... or even only pretend to over come this with the false sense of security and worth that they develop from the sports they play or the number of chicks they make out with.. are put on a certain pedestal that toolaholics strive to conquer.
We learn on the playground as little girls that when a boy is mean to us.. it means they like us... and are determined to use our high school years to test this theory out. We get caught up in the sparkliness of our tools.. learning to love them.. while developing bad habits of seeking a superficial game-like kind of love.
We fall into the habits of seeking approval of all sorts.. 'never being good enough'.. always having to step up our game and question our position in the relationships we're in. This becomes attractive as we pound it into our brains and hearts, because it is in fact, an exciting way to live.. it leaves us constantly on edge. We confuse this so called excitement, or anxiety, that comes from the inconsistency of what's happening with what society would call 'falling in love' or 'butterflies'.. building the foundation under our hearts all crooked.. making sure that any future relationship short of this 'excitement' doesn't measure up.
While we are used to having to wait 4 days for someone to text us back.. keeping us on edge and on our toes... if we all the sudden start dating someone that texts us on a consistent basis... that familiar anxiety or 'butterfly' feeling.. is missing.. making us question the 'spark' in the relationship all together.
While we get used to this... we're just digging our graves deeper and deeper.. apparently subconsciously thinking that one day we'll magically make the switch over and be ok with dating something different..?

No worries toolaholics.. there is hope for us. But the answer isn't going to fall from the sky.. into our laps.. with a diamond ring..
This common problem that we face... the reason we go to this secret society of fellow addicts.. is because we seek the things necessary to make the transition from tools.. to nice guys. We band together in order to save each other's souls and hearts from a life time of making sandwiches and giving back-rubs.

Honestly... do we REALLY want to end up with someone that loves themselves more than they love us? do we TRULY want to have a serious relationship and marry someone that we're constantly seeking approval from.. that reluctantly gives any sign of love because it 'keeps us on the line'..? if your answer is yes.. you need more than this blog... you need serious help.

So how do you transition from dating like that.. exciting.. unpredictable.. never knowing when they like you.. or if their emotions will remain consistent over a 24 hour period... to the boring.. consistency of real love.. REALationships?
How to we retrain ourselves to like what we're supposed to like.. and quit giving these homies an excuse to never grow up?

You commit.. and follow through.

The same way anything is accomplished in life.. nothing happens if you don't start.
I wish i had a magic spell and special potion that you could drink and be cured... spin around 3 times.. hop on 1 foot while repeating 'woman make me sandwich is not the way to live.... woman make me sandwich is not the way to live...' holding your foot and touching your bellybutton.. but unfortunately, this is a bad habit that you yourself have created.. and you yourself have to break.
I'm gonna tell you right now that if you're in your addiction prettttyyy deep... if you're close to the 'lost cause' line... it's gonna be harder for you than others... this tool-rehab will be somewhat of a blog-worthy experience for you.. but i promise.. you'll thank me someday.
The first thing you need to do... is clean house.
Commit yourself to not dating the guys that you've already burned through at a rapid rate... and follow through with cutting the cord.. this means no 'i was lonely one night and fell back into my little black book' booty calls... no 'i really think he's changed'.. NONE OF IT. You stop it. right now.

The thing about these tool box's that we've chosen to associate ourselves with.. is that yes.. every one of them is going to settle down someday... there will come a time and a girl that they will in fact change (to a certain extent) for.. they will become monogamous... and actually get married. It takes the right girl for each one of them.. not the 'best' girl... not the 'hottest'... but the RIGHT girl. I'm sorry to tell you... but judging by your presence in the tool-aholics anonymous club... you are not this girl. Don't beat yourself up when they all the sudden decide to settle down.. you'll be waayyy better off without them. Don't decide to make them your projects in hopes that you'll be around when the switch flips.. that's NOT the way it works. cut it off.. you'll both be happier.

The second thing you have to do... is learn to handle your dating ADD and ADHD.
You've gotten accustomed to being on CRACK relationships.. you're gonna need to learn to breathe.. and focus. Get the constant 'have to be on edge'-ness out of your system. Give yourself a chance to actually FALL for someone. You don't have to trip at first sight.. chances are when that happens you end up breaking something anyway. These butterflies that you're used to are DEMON butterflies.. demon butterflies that eat your soul. Kill that addiction and realize that just because you don't have anxiety over someone.. doesn't mean you like them any less.

The last thing is just give the nice guy a chance! Once you kick the tool-bad-habit.. you'll be surprised how much you actually like being treated well. it will become a new addiction for you.. a HEALTHY addiction that will serve you better in your life.
Make a serious effort to date a new breed of man.. one that cares more about your feelings than his social agenda.. one willing to give up his little black book to be your ryan gosling. Realize that it will be a different dating experience.. and EMBRACE the change!

My girlfriend Beth comes from a long line of toolaholics. Her addiction had grown so much.. that anything shy of an all-star.. wouldn't make it past a couple of weeks in her dating book. Everything that she had ever known was inconsistent and a one way tug-of-war. All she ever wanted was to be loved.. but then if any boy dared to actually love her.. she was NOT down. As her tool time ticked on.. we as her friends.. conniving and mischievous were sick of seeing her heart crash and burn over and over and over as she continuously went back to tool after tool.. convincing herself that THIS time they would be different.. that THIS time.. this tool would fall, giving her the best of both worlds. We challenged her with a love experiment... we bet her a week of Zupas (our favorite lunch spot) that she couldn't date a nice guy for longer than 3 weeks without getting sick of him. And.. being a chick that loves her fairly priced salads and soups... she accepted.
So. the next 'nice guy' that all of us agreed on that fit the description that asked Beth out... set our plan in motion.. This boy's name was Matt.
Beth was required by our little gossip girl crew that she go on every date this boy asked her on for those 3 weeks... that she give him every chance that he wanted. She had to text back to every text he sent her.. answer every phone call.. and be responsive to any effort he threw her way.
Well... Matt, while being a nice guy... was in no way a shy nice guy. From the first date they went on forward.. he text her or called her every day. In the first week they went out twice.. and hung out twice on top of that. He definitely made it known that he was not only interested in Beth... but that he didn't feel the need to 'feel his options out'.. that he was the kind of guy that dated one person at a time.. and he had put all his focus on Beth.
Matt didn't play games.. he was never a douche to her... he showed genuine interest and had follow through.
While at first Beth was NOT down.. (we couldn't exactly blame her.. coming from a relationship where she waited by the phone for DAYS waiting for so much as a 'hey'.. all of the sudden having to consciously text and call a human back on a daily basis.)... she grew to absolutely love feeling like a princess. By week 3.. She was smitten.
Beth and Matt are still dating.... it's been 5 months. And unlike the relationships prior.. where Beth would be jealous and worry.. where she would have to think twice about speaking her mind or expressing concern about something... she has become a completely different person! By dating this nice guy.. she has taken the anxiety out of her love life and found true butterflies.. REAL falling in love emotions. and.. from what we hear.. she's not planning on letting them go.

Life is just too dang short to date douche bags. There are too many nice guys waiting to date amazing girls that have been corrupted to the point of overlooking happiness for false excitement.
We all complain that 'guys are all the same'.. 'girls are all the same'.. there ARE no nice guys in the world... but when it comes down to it... we've left them off our radar for so long that they've become invisible to us. Nice guys do exist. THEY ARE OUT THERE.. and they are waiting. They're like the polar express bell... you have to believe in order to hear it ring. You have to look in order to find. And finally.. you have to believe that you deserve a nice guy. Never think you're corrupted past the point of no return.. that you're doomed to sleep in the bed that you've made. No matter what your dating past has been.. you deserve the best. Find someone that makes you feel that way.. and don't let him go.

Until Later..
xoxo
-Callymon