..Master of disguise..

After an eventful.. extremely entertaining weekend.. my girlfriends and I sat down to evaluate what EXACTLY happened. As we did.. we came to the realization that all of us aren't sitting around waiting for A guy.. there's plenty of guys.. we're just waiting for a guy to prove us wrong in our thinking that all guys are the same.
They all think that everything we do is motivated by something related to them...
that we talk to other people to make them jealous... go on dates hoping they'll find out.. and show up at parties that they'll most likely be at..
They assume that we WISH we could be with them.. so we find the next best thing and hang on for dear life..
They all wander in packs.. afraid of upsetting their 'leader' that claims you're off limits because he dated you once upon a time.
and NONE of them.. no matter how old they get... EVER grow up!

I talked to my friend Joe the other day and he told me that he LITERALLY tells girls the first date he takes them on that 'this isn't going anywhere.. i'm not really looking for a relationship.. so if we end up kissing i just don't want you to think that i'm leading you on..'
.. he claimed that by telling them this, he was being a 'nice guy' with 'clear upfront.. pure intentions'.
really joe... so the next time a guy tells ME that.. 'hey i'm just using you.. that's totally ok right?' i'm supposed to swoon at his 'up front approach'?
You idiot. if you're not IN a relationship.. unless you want to die alone.. you ARE looking for a relationship.. just obviously not with the chick you're slayin.

My favorite? The guys that have recently discovered (discovered.. not decided.. because they're completely right) that the more pictures you have on FB with babies.. and/or puppies.. the more likely we are to return your phone calls.. and if you can rent a LIVE one? you are set for dates for the month.
Its just SAD the shame and bad name that guys like this are giving the male species!


so i propose the question... are ALL guys tools?
does the 'nice guy' exist.. or is it just an act that the exTREME tools have mastered? .. and when the actual 'nice guy' comes along.. will us girls be ready for him? will we even want him? or will we be so caught up in what we're used to that we'll run the other direction..?


I recently saw the movie 'Something Borrowed'.... 3 times. nbd. and.. although i was obsessed with staring at Dex..the main hottie with a sexy body.. i was seriously confused at what the heck i was supposed to feel or think at the end of the movie..?

In the movie.. This girl rachel falls in love with her friend/ study partner in law school Dex.
In the 'insert confessing of love here' moment.. she chokes.. and passes up the opportunity to tell him how she feels in fear of an awkward situation..
Her friend Darcy.. that was there during the moment.. swoops like a biaaach and is with him from that point forward for the next 6 years... cutting off any other opportunity for rachel to bring up that she was in love with Dex.

so.. Darcy and Dex get engaged.. Darcy leaves her purse somewhere.. Dex goes back to get it.. and Rachel is there. They end up having a drink for 'old time's sake'.... when Rachel says 'now i remember why i had such a crush on you in law school...'
Dex gets super awkward and pulls the.. 'why didn't you say anything?!'.. they definitely end up slayin in the cab on the way home.. and the cab makes ONE stop that night.. if you catch my drift.

So. there they are.. the long time crush.. with the best friend of his fiance.. uh.. woops?

They cheat.. they realize that they're perfect for each other... the whole time Dex still going along with his engagement to Darcy acting like nothings wrong.
I mean ya.. because Darcy is suuuper annoying in the movie.. you take rachel's side.. and swoon at Dex when he tells rachel he loves her and makes out with her like a little sexy panther..
but heLLOO.... DEX IS A TOOL BOX! He's stringing 2 chicks along.. one that he's ENGAGED TO! while he cheats on her with her best friend.. for the sake of 'figuring out a lost connection'.

So.. dex.. behind his charm and his great smile.. is just like any other retarded dude that thinks he can do nothing wrong and that the world revolves around him.
The only reason you're even OK with the fact that the whole thing happens.. is cuz Darcy is so dang annoying that you WANT rachel to win.
So.. should rachel have never said anything? should she have kept her feelings to herself? IS there a point where it's 'too late'? Ya they end up together at the end.. so does THAT make it right?
Figure your freakin crap out BEFORE you ask someone to marry you.. you dumb piece of CRAP!

there are a couple lessons that we learn from 'Something Borrowed'.
1. Never pass up an opportunity to tell someone how you feel about them.. cuz when you feel it.. the time is NOW. do NOT wait 6 years til they're engaged to someone ELSE to go after them! it's HIIIGHLY inconvenient and causes WAY more drama that is ever necessary.
2. When telling someone you love them.. i dunno... mayyyybe make sure you're not scheduled to marry someone else..?
3. when the best friend that's the best cutest guy in the UNIVERSE confesses his LOVE for you.... DO NOT LEAVE! DO NOT GO BACK TO DOUCHE BAG THAT WOULDN'T PICK YOU FIRST!!!!! LOVE him. loooove HIM!! wtf happens to Ethan?! he's waiting for me in London. i have my plane ticket. nbd.

If he wasn't engaged to Darcy.. aint no ring aint no thang.. he could've just broken up with her and pursued the Rachel avenue... but the TOOL box.. plays both of them. with the rock on darcy's left boney.. annoying.. drunk.. hand.

And finally when rachel COMES to dex and tells him to leave darcy.. tell her he can't marry her.. and run away with Rachel... he says NO! He doesn't know what the crap he wants.. and he's afraid to go after anything!
Homie.. you take the time to cheat on your will-be-wife... and then AFTER you tell homegirl you LOVE her.. mm hmm BIG L WORD.. and she comes after you.. cuz you're a wuss and wont do a friggin THING about it... YOU SAY.. NO?!! are you on CRACK?!

Finally toolbox dex gets his act together.. grows up a little bit.. and him and rach end up together.. while darcy ends up with the greasy.. lovely.. friend. that got her prego.

SO.. Dex SEEMS like a good guy..he SEEMS like the 'nice guy' we're all looking for.. but when you break it down.. he's a tool box with a 'nice guy mask' on.. that doesn't know what he wants.. that strings chicks along until he figures it out.. and refuses to grow up and make his own decisions.

Figure your crap out BEFORE you get engaged.. you freak. cuz once i get the rock... we're goin to the temple.
And duh.. if someone is worth the cheat in your eyes... DUMP THEM. obviously you don't care enough about them to STAY with them and them alone. again... FIGURE YOUR CRAP OUT!

And uhh... ok.. bachelorette Bentley?

As much as i would still completely make out with him...
really bro? how are we EVER supposed to trust a guy again?!
The guy has MAD swag... has this chick BEGGING him to stay.. she says that she LOVES him.. and the WHOLE time he's like.. 'watch this... imma play with her head'... wtf?!
He's more than the ultimate provo all-star... he's MV-friggin-P!

It didn't help that he was messing with an annoying air head that confessed her love for him in the first 5 SECONDS!! Honey child... if you're gonna go on NATIONAL TV to play one big giant dating game.... LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE GAME!
The bigger the tool.. the more you need to play hard to get to keep him satisfied. duuh. your badddd.

but I don't blame ashley one bit for falling for Bentley.. He's the MASTER of disguise!
Flip.. if i was there.. i probably would've thought he loved her too..

once again.. he SEEMS like a good guy.. he even friggin CRIED when he was talking about wanting to be with his daughter!! When DUUH.. he stabs her in the face every time he gets on camera..
manipulation... how to get what you want... the art of the douche bag... do they send you boys to school for these things? are you in a gang? wtf?
How are we supposed to know if you're being sincere.. or if you have ulterior motives behind your 'good guy' facade.
because CLEARLY the bigger tool.. the better they are at the 'nice guy' act.


These guys are the reason that girls think all guys suck. Cuz heLLLOO... toolbox.. with a bow.. served on a silver platter.. with more than a trick or two up their sleeve. and they're GORGEOUS which makes it all worse!
They bat their big brown eyes.. make all of us believe them.. when to them... ITS ALL A GAME!

I'm convinced that the older a guy gets.. the more of an all-star he becomes.
The older they are.. the more years of practice they've had to perfect their 'you can believe me' smile.. they're 'aaww babe.. you're beautiful' wine.. and the way they're hand on your cheek makes you wanna kiss em..
They build their tool shed up and up.. until one day they wakes up.. realize 'what the crap am i doing with my life'.. and grab the first girl they can pin down.. and RUSH to the alter.

Until that 'eureka' moment in their lives.. all that they think is...
'ok.. i love being single.. i'm gonna date and slay as many chicks as i can before i'm forced to settle down.. cuz once i'm married.. this EPIC single life is OVER!!.. so i'm gonna spend as much time with 'the boys' as i can.. make them all worship me by my ability to mess with all these girls to make them fall in love with me.. and then one day.. FAAARR in the future.. i'll grow up. but not right NOW.. are you INSANE?! i'm in my PRIME player years!.. i'm young.. i'm attractive.. and i'm gonna work it for all its worth!'....

barf.

The whole ark 2 by 2 thing? i dont know where it went wrong.. cuz there are PLENTY of attractive.. single.. 'got it all together'.. spiritual.. ready to be in a relationship.. girls out there.. WAITING for the non-existent prince charming..
and there's like 4 guys that fit the criteria that ALL of the chicks are fighting for!
'oh uhh.. beauty and the geek? ok yup.. 'check'.. you can get on the ark now.. 'all brains and no physique'.. you go with 'hot tottie- brain all rotty' over there.. but people.. only breed 1/10 legit male children or life would be too easy for the women of the world.. '

My friend April was hanging out with this guy Duke. Duke's a stud. and April was stolked about it. They had been casually hanging out for a couple months.. by casual i mean they hadn't kissed.. when all the sudden.. BAM. toolness revealed.
So.. April had gotten out of a relationship not too long ago.. and her ex boyfriend was a BIT of a psycho. When her and Duke would talk about her ex.. Duke would tell April what a freak her ex was.. how he didn't deserve her.. and blah blah blah..
Just call him Bentley..the deceiving piece of crap.
So.. one day April shows up at a party and sees Duke when she walks in.. As she goes to talk to him.. he disappears.
confused.. but not exactly distraught.. she gets into the party with her friends and starts enjoying herself.
She sees Duke again.. and takes a couple steps in his direction to talk to him again.. and BAM.. he's gone again.
Super confused.. but still not thinking much of it.. she keeps mingling and dancin the night away.
When her and her friends decide to get some air.. she spots Duke for the 3rd time... feeling like a ghost buster.. she waves and walks towards him.
no sooner had she waved... when she saw her EX.. standing next to duke!! chattin it up like old buddies!!
All of the sudden.. the 'guy code' trumped the.. 'other code'..
the 'other code' being..
homies... you're NOT gonna date.. marry.. or end up living with friends that you barely KNOW of the same sex... or even your BFF dudes.
the fact that you worship each other ONLY makes us gag.
and if YOU put time and effort into a girl to only flip your tool switch like it 'aint no thang' in 5 seconds because you don't know how to handle your shiiii with could-be-awkward situations.. you need to go to day care and learn how to be a regular human being.

April... being a legit human being.. proceeded forward.. talked to her Ex.. and tried to talk to Duke for the 4th time that night. He. did. not. say. one. word. to. her.
By the end of the conversation.. which was short anyway... April discovered that Duke and ex-homie had become acquainted and decided to be wingmen.. PERFECT for her right? ugh retards.
she thought.. nice guy.. sweet guy.. older guy.. more mature guy.. he'll DEFINITELY be able to handle himself against her less mature.. younger.. awkward.. toolbox.. Ex-boyfriend.. that all the other guys are worshiping for no reason she can see. but clearly.. she was wrong.


My other friend Aubry had a grrreat experience with this lovely species as well!...
Aubry had been hanging out with Cam for a month. They were fantastic together... they LITERALLY were inseparable from the first date they went on. They went to the gym.. and then took a nap.. and then ate food.. and then went here.. and then went there.. and then took more naps... you couldn't separate these 2 with a crowbar!
After a month of hanging out.. basically out of NOWHERE.. but naturally none the less.. Cam asked Aubry to be his girlfriend.. to which she obviously accepted. I mean she hadn't even as much as LOOKED at another boy in a month.. Cam is great! He's probably one of the most genuinely nice guys i've ever met! i completely approved of the relationship between them. Just happy-go-lucky- Cam.. with fun-carefree-Aubry.. it was the perfect summer romance.
so much for a future.. or even a summer...

All was well for the next 3 days.. when Cam dropped Aubry off after the gym..
10 minutes later.. Aubry's enjoying a good ol' post-gym protein shake.. when there's knock at the door.
She opens the door to find Cam.. looking like he's gonna puke.
She invites him in.. and asks whats wrong...?
'i'm really sorry... i dont know what i'm doing or what i want.. i.. i just wanna be single!' .. is the speech that pops out of his mouth.
'...ok?' Aubry replies. (wtf was she supposed to say?)
And it was over like that. 72 hours. hm... nice guy? yes. Tool box? duuh.
He has Dex-syndrome.... figure your crap out BEFORE you ask a chick to be your girlfriend.. cuz where did that get you? ... 3 days past nowhere!

You real nice guys out there... if you even exist.. you should be beating these boys to a pulp.. cuz they're ruining every chance you have with these girls.
They're lessening our ability to differentiate between the glitter and gold. They're weakening our 6th-guy-sense.. and they're confusing the heck out of us.

Not only are they messing with our minds... they're taking us... and conditioning us to WANT to be with tools.. they make us think that we think its attractive!!

Watching the bachelorette last night.. all i could think was... Bentley totally is my type... he fits right in with the rest of the guys i've dated.. i would TOTALLY date bentley..
and no. i wasn't ashley.. who didn't see the commentary.. i SAW the commentary.. Bentley in all his toolness.. and i was attracted to it. fml.
the 'good guy' at this point in my life.. isn't even appealing! when guys care and are actually NICE.. its like.. a turn off..? like a one-way ticket to the friend zone... Thats BAD. i blame you. you tool boxes. you dang sexay tool boxes.

Boys.. lucky for you.. instead of killing you.. i have a proposition.

Because i feel like there's literally NO hope for you at this point in your lives.. i'm giving you a pass..
This pass is good until the end of the summer. This summer... you best be goin on some MAD journeys.. cuz even if you have to travel to Tim-buck-friggin-2.. you better FIND yourselves.

This is your 'figure your crap out BEFORE'... time.
Take this time to put your tool-like qualities in a shed that you can lock the door of and FINALLY move past... grow up.. and be able to FUNCTION! The one last stand to be 'one of the guys'.. where you can compare notches on belts and.. whatever else you guys compare.. weirdos.

My girlfriends and I have taken a vow of singleness for the summer.. cuz any relationship we get in before fall.. we know is doomed to failure.

Take these next couple months to get all of your 'do somethin crazzzy' moments out of your system.. finally put closer to your need of being the 'big man on campus'.
take the time to kiss those hoes that you would've cheated on your girlfriend with.. and then MOVE ON.
get it OUT of your system... cuz after this summer... there will be no excuses.

Fill your single void.. so that come fall.. you're ready to grow up.

For any of you boys that figure your crap out BEFORE the end of the summer? You'll have first pick. just sayin.

We're doing the same. taking the time to re-condition ourselves to like REAL.. legitimate.. men... instead of these immature.. insecure.. confused.. lost.. little boys that we're used to.

Become the men we're looking for. Help us even out this ratio a little bit. Take this summer to become REAL men... instead of Masters of Disguise.

until later.. xoxox
-Callymon