Double dog dare...

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you would literally give up anything to get it??
The idea of it turns in to thinking about it occasionally.. occasional becomes frequent.. then you start dreaming about it and before you know it you're a in a closet obsession because it escalates so fast that no one would even believe you if you told them how much you thought about it..
I'm a very stubborn person.. when i make my mind up about something not only do i make the decision and go forward.. when i get an idea about something or someone in my head.. whether its false or not.. i slowly start to talk myself into what i think more and more..
When i was in the 8th grade.. cheerleading tryouts were coming up. If you knew me.. or even know me now.. i was never the cheerleader type.. i was the SBO type. Since i was little i always had my sights on running for sbo.. i liked what it represented.. what they got to do.. and hey.. i dug the sweaters. til one day.. a couple weeks before the tryouts my sister made a comment that i could NEVER be a cheerleader.. it just wasn't in me.
At first.. in my head all i could think is.. "psh.. i could do it... if i wanted to.." That turned into "let me try some of those moves.. they don't look that hard... those skirts are pretty cute.." ............ "why does she think i can't do this!!! i am COMPLETELY capable of being a cheerleader!!!" ........." you know.. i've always wondered what it would be like to be a cheerleader.." and finally....."I'M GOING TO BE A CHEERLEADER!!!!"
not only did i make cheerleader.. i made co-head cheerleader. psh.. i sure showed my sister.
From one comment.. and 2 weeks inside of my head.. i worked myself into a Mc-fit. I gave up what i really wanted (at the time... once i started cheer i LOVED it and continued it as long as i could!) for what my brain got set on.. by accident!
Decisions are kinda scary in my head. My brain.. i'm convinced is determined to protect me. It's team McCall for sure.. my brain always wants me to come out on top.
When i was in 9th grade i was convinced that my boyfriend was cheating on me.. being me... i obviously confronted him about it. (i'm not one that wont speak her mind... if i have a problem.. i take care of it. do work. word) He.. of course denied it. Which got me thinking....
My brain was SET on the fact that he was cheating on me.. and so the process of one of my Mc-fits started. it went from a crazy idea.. to a "gut feeling" (that i created).. to something that i KNEW.. to "THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION.. THIS IS THE TRUTH." Because i worked myself into this state of almost panic about it.. i addressed it again. I had my mind set. and anything he said was a lie.. unless it was what i wanted to hear.
Turns out.. he was cheating on me. My mc-fit had been in tune with my mc-gut instinct.. or my freaking mc-eyes weren't blind.. But i think of how many times my stubborn little brain takes over and sabotages different areas of my life... how many times it creates monsters in my closet that are never there.. How many times i take a green flag and paint it red from fear of the unknown..
Certain things worry me.. that i don't think should.. at least as much as they do..
it's like the paranoid girl syndrome.. that i don't even think has to be developed out of a dysfunctional relationship.. i think we're just born with it!
Our heads are so worried about our hearts getting broken that they hang on to minor details looking for stories of infidelity or "major red flags" .. honestly woman.. he taps his pencil when he's thinking.. no.. NO.. it doesn't mean he has OCD or a twitch or that he counts in his head all day long.. he just likes to tap his pencil when he's thinking!!! Coughing.. sneezing.. BREATHING.. turn into red flags!
The fact that he talks to his ex MUST mean that he still wants to be with her! it HAS to mean that they're in some secret club where they talk about how much better their relationship was than yours!
My mc-brain would be so worried about it that i would work myself into one of my mc-fits and not only assume the worst.. but always be waiting for him to walk away without an explanation.
He looked at that other girl.. crap. he thinks that something is missing.. i should probably have my emotions in a to-go bag with disposable utensils just in case.. gooood thing i packed my running shoes......
Hey. i'm a girl who likes safety.. and security.
And when i smell a red flag.. or when i feel challenged.. i tackle it like a linebacker who rarely gets playing time.

It turns into the paralysis of analysis..
we analyze our jobs. we analyze what others think of us. we analyze relationships with girls. with boys.. with parents.. with bosses..
We're so worried about what to do about something that NOTHING GETS DONE!!!
We're so worried it's going to rain that we don't go outside at all until all the sudden it's raining (like 3 days later) and all we can say is "SEE! i TOLD you it was gonna rain!!"


If nothing else is in shape.. my brain sure is. and no i dont mean from studying.. It is over worked in every area of my personal life.
I've watched friends come in and out of my life.. so making ones that i think are gonna stick around for more than a season is hard. Why pull the vulnerability out of the bag..
I've watched boys walk in and out of my life.. why assume that i can sit and be happy with one..? once again.. why pull the vulnerability out of the bag..?
Why decide to be completely happy at one job.. people switch all the time.. if i get comfortable here.. it might hurt me later..
Stubborn.
Stubborn stubborn stubborn.

The other day me and my friend James.. after a fight... sat on the computer staring at our ichat with each others names pulled up.. for an HOUR! waiting for the other to start a conversation.
Please.. judge me. PLEASE call me out.. the girl who "makes things happen" and "isn't afraid to speak her mind"....
Well this mc-fit was going on in my head that had started with.. "ya.. i'll talk to him.. we're mature enough that when one of us has something to say they'll call the other.." and ended somewhere in... "WELL IF HE BLOODY H WANTS TO TALK.. HE. WILL. TALK. FIRST. DANG IT!!"
seeing my 2 week cheer mc-fit.. you know this one escalated quickly.

Right now.. in my life there are things that i want. Things i would give up anything and EVERYTHING for.. Decisions that i have to make in order to move forward..
It's scary being young!!

I'm so scared of what will lead to what that i'm stuck in the paralysis of analysis.
My stubborn brain needs to chilllllll outtt!!!

Any and every road you take will have stumbling blocks.. you'll take wrong turns.. you might end up being a cheerleader instead of an sbo.. but every experience will bring you strength. Every stumble doesn't have to be a mistake.. and if it is, every mistake is one you can learn from.. even if it's other people making them.

Leaping into the unknown.. the unsafe and insecure.. will eventually bring you happiness. Yes. you might get robbed a couple times from leaving your doors unlocked.. But you'll eventually get a reallllly good guard dog.. or a realllly good boyfriend with a shot gun who cares about your happiness just as much as you do.

if you close your eyes for too long.. your contacts will start doing funky things that make your eyes hurt when you finally decide to open them!

The challenges and weird obsessions that i come up with are a part of who i am.. they make up my mccallness even if they drive me half mad most of the time.. they sure do make life an adventure!

I'm going to get the patch for rash thinking.. call 1-888-567-truth.. and get the truth about extreme personalities.

YOU... and me... are going to get a challenge..
don't think you have to live up to someone else's idea of perfection.. even your own! Don't look for rainstorms before you see clouds... Don't build walls and shut out vulnerability in the fear of getting hurt.
be smart. don't be hermit-level-safe.
The greatest things in your life will happen when you least expect them to!!

Take the challenge to.. even if it's JUST this week... or JUST TODAY!!.. to just GO with things..
don't THINK so much!! let things happen!!

My newest challenge..
i'm giving up sugar again.
go ahead.. tell me i can't. tell me it's NOT IN ME..
yaa... i double dog DARE you.
WATCH ME!

Sound track to my life song: "Don't be stupid" - Shania Twain
and trust me if there was a song called..."give me bread.. give me sugar.. or give me death.." it would be at the top of the play list right now!

Peace. Love. Schizo freaks that make the world more interesting to live in.

xoxo
-Callymon